I’m a freshman at an elite school in the east coast. It’s November and I’ve been here for going in 3 months and I’m miserable… It’s not classes but the social life — I was always very social in high school and never struggled to make friends but here it’s been so difficult. I’m not against partying and have gone out several times but I guess the party scene isn’t where I thrive but either way I haven’t been able to make any really good friends. I’ve tried joining clubs and even just sitting at random tables in the cafeteria, but nothing stuck. The kids in my classes are nice enough but we don’t hang out outside of class. I have a couple of friends but we just don’t really clique as well as I wished. There’s other friendly people I do homework with or can grab a meal but overall I just feel really alone.
I know I need to give it more time but everyone has been saying that for 3 months and it’s gotten worse instead of better cause there’s less opportunities to meet people anymore.
I’ve considered transferring (not a decision I will make imminently and will definitely give more time) but i just feel that transferring out of a prestigious university would be a regret forever even if I am miserable here.
I think the way you are feeling is very common and very normal. I also think the change from high school to the college social scene is harder for the students who had a very positive high school experience which it sounds like you had. You were in one place for a many years, had friends, everyone knew you, and most likely you felt at home. (I’m reading between the lines a little. Forgive me if I’m wrong.)
Now it’s all brand new and although you have acquaintances, you feel a bit like a fish out of water and it all feels disconnected and uncomfortable. Again, I’m assuming.
You didn’t mention your living situation. What about your roommate(s) or floor? Have you made friends with anyone there? I always think the dorms and/or group living is the place people really connect and end up forming those close relationships.
I have said this before but I’ll say it again…I feel for your generation because I think the constant use of technology (phones, iPad, laptop, gaming etc.) has disconnected the college student and made it harder for them to meet one another and form those close relationships. I know a college student who spent a “semester at sea.” He said he loved the time they were underway on the ship because none of the technology worked. He couldn’t believe the difference in social interactions without the “I-World.”
It sounds like you are doing everything right and honestly, I would discourage you from transferring simply due to not being satisfied socially. I have never been a huge fan of Greek life but lately I’m hearing more and more positive things from students. It seems to be fulfilling that closer connection many are seeking. Maybe you should rush in the spring and check out the different houses/organizations? You also didn’t say if you are working but sometimes getting a part time job is a place students end up feeling a strong sense of belonging.
Keep on keeping on and doing what you are doing. It will get better. Remember, close relationships take time to develop. If you transfer and keep moving around you won’t have the time to form those relationships.
@Empireapple Thank you for you words of advice. I’m not much of a “fraternity” person. In fact, I sought out colleges with low amounts of greek life in hopes of avoiding a bro vibe. I’m not sure what I wrote in my roommate app but I have 4 roommates, two of them being athletes and they fit the bro card to a tee. We get along fine and don’t have issues but definitely not much of a connection there. Also, my school isn’t known for greek life although we have substitute type groups that are exclusive and just not my vibe. I’ve tried to make friends in my dorm but they’re pretty small dorms and i haven’t had much success.
I do think part of it was that I had success in high school academically and socially and here everyone is very smart and talented and its much harder to shine. But I’m not a competitive person and I’ve just struggled to make many connections at all. The I-world is a valid point, but there’s not much I can do about that.
I don’t have a job, honestly I’m not even sure where I would want to work. I don’t really need the money and am not sure I would have or want to set aside the time for one. Just struggling to continuously put myself out there when every time i do, it just leads me feeling awkward and embarrassed.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were successful academically and socially in high school. It was easy to fit and now you are having to work at it. I bet this is how others felt at your high school. So now you know what it’s like to feel a little bit like you are on the outside looking in. I agree - Greek…meh. But what I’ve learned is you need to rush and see if you fit there. Or at the substitute type groups you mentioned. I think this happens to a lot of successful kids once they hit a pond where everyone is successful. Hang in there and keep working at it. It will improve.
Growth and making progress in life takes deliberate effort and often effort that is uncomfortable. You are grieving your old easy social life of high school which is in the past, that’s uncomfortable, and you are struggling to find social grounding in your new place in life, that’suncomfortable. If cultivating a social life is important to you, then you have no choice but to keep trying. Smile, talk, INVITE a lot, be friendly, persist, make ongoing everyday deliberate effort.
Also, while trying to grow a new social life, stay on top of your academics, these need to be a priority. Take time to appreciate the tremendous opportunity you have earned to attend a top school in our country. Bottom line is that you are first and foremost at college to earn a degree.
Do you think you could get a group from your hall together to watch your roommates’ play their sports? I’m not a big sports fan but in college, I enjoyed watching people I knew by name play and the school spirit surrounding the games. Having a regular event to attend was fun also.
Others are giving you good advice about how to try to make this school work. I’ll take on the transfer question. If you’re at an elite school and doing well there academically, it should be possible for you to transfer to another very strong school. So while you’re trying to make this place work, start looking into other schools you may want to transfer to, in case that ends up being what you decide to do. Now that you know what type of environment isn’t really a fit for you, that may guide you in terms of finding one that does.