<p>My DS2 is finding that the "only" socializing kids seem to do at his top 20 school on the weekend is drink, but he doesn't like beer/wine/or watching kids get drunk. He's not into pot either. He has tried to make plenty of friends, but when it comes to the weekend...well he's left behind. I picture him doing laundry on a Saturday night, like his mother! Suggestions? Anyone else experience this?</p>
<p>What worked for my son was joining an outdoor activity group and hanging out with those kids. He also joined the Ecology club. In other words, he found groups that didn’t tend to attract the party kids.</p>
<p>What clubs/organizations has he joined? That would be the first step.</p>
<p>Many schools have organizations that offer sub free clubs and most have student activities boards and or outdoor activity clubs who organize all kinds of things to do that don’t involve alcohol. My so far sober D has had good luck with both of these and has met other kids who are looking for sub free activities.</p>
<p>I am not a drinker and refuse to be around people who are drinking-- I am not the type who finds enjoyment in going to parties and being surrounded by binging, and I have been to at least half a dozen parties in my day for the sake of not having a buddy go in unsupported, and I’ve never seen anything different. I am really not comfortable being in the presence of people who are THAT drunk, it just scares me. So I have had to find alternative methods of socializing.</p>
<p>It can be difficult for me socially for this reason, the default for most everyone who is okay with drinking, it seems, is to just go party-- especially in the freshman year. I rely on clubs, community service, work, and meeting kids in classes to make friends and then we just do our own thing. It seems like it takes an extra effort, and probably more time-- as I am building real emotional connections with people rather than just meeting up twice a week to get hammered and letting it roll from there, it makes sense that it takes more time and effort. He just has to be patient and he’ll be okay. For the first month or so of school I did do laundry on Saturday nights. 
Someone here once chastised me for taking a shower at 11pm on a Friday. But now I am at a point where there are a handful of people I could say, “hey, there’s a movie screening tonight, do you want to go?” and I can go do that. No best buddies yet that I could just sit around and yap with, which is honestly my favorite thing to do, but it’s only been two months. It’ll happen. Your S just has to remain optimistic and keep hammering away at alternative social opportunities until something sticks. It’s harder to find your people when you are genuinely looking for kindred spirits and not just someone to drink with.</p>
<p>Twisted is correct. He’ll find his “people” it just takes a little longer. My neighbor’s son was somewhat unhappy early on his freshman year as a non-drinker and he went to a school not typically known for parties, but he eventually found like-minded friends. Maybe he’ll meet someone in the laundry room! I would advise him to take advantage of the on campus activites, movies, the student center, if there is a campus radio station, other places where kids might be that are not at parties. Maybe proportionatey not as many at his particular school as colleges are all different, but I guarantee you they are around and they will eventually find each other.</p>
<p>^^^Great post Twisted! I’m so glad you seem to be settling in and finding your way. Time has a way of allowing us all to eventually find our path and our people.</p>
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<li><p>I can’t tell you how much you impress me, Twisted – the quality of your thought, your ability to express it, and your mature outlook. Somewhere out there are some really lucky future best buddies!</p></li>
<li><p>Someone suggested the radio station. As a former radio station parent, this seems like a particularly bad idea to me. First, actually working at the radio station is pretty lonely stuff late at night, unless you have a partner. Second, maybe it’s different from school to school, but my impression is that college radio is not a high-yield place to meet people who don’t drink and/or use drugs on a regular basis.</p></li>
<li><p>Here’s a somewhat left-field, practical idea: One of my kids is very involved in theater. On the whole, theater kids probably drink and drug as much or more than radio kids (when they aren’t the same kids; they often are). But on most Saturday nights, my kid (and his theater friends) are WORKING together, stone sober, and very satisfyingly. The drinking doesn’t happen until later, after set strike. So while theater may not be a great place to meet teetotallers, it IS a great place to work as a team and have substantive relationships with people who are not engaged in drinking right now.</p></li>
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<p>another plug for theatre kids…and that doesn’t mean actors only there are tons of jobs in support roles…they are often some of the most accepting kids out there also joing a service club like Rotoract or Habitat for Humanity or something will put you S in contact with kids who have another focus. Not saying none of them will be drinkers just saying that pursuing activities that don’t involve drinking per se will net more buddies than staying home or heading to a party</p>
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<p>Yeah, that pretty much describes my son and his school. The “only game in town” on weekends nights is a drunken party at any given frat house. For those who suggested involvement in clubs, service orgs, Habitat, etc., most of those don’t meet on Saturday nights. It’s really Friday and Saturday nights that are the issue.</p>
<p>missy-I think what people are saying is that by getting involved, the student may meet other like-minded kids that also want to avoid the weekend party scene.</p>
<p>Kids in community service and theater are also likely to have to get up before 2pm on weekends to go work on their stuff, so they are less likely to be out all night hitting the kegs the night before. There’s no way you could drink the night before doing most of the things that I do on my weekends.</p>
<p>missypie, that’s why I brought up theater. Theater kids WORK Friday and Saturday nights – that’s showtime! And if they aren’t working (and they go to school in or near an urban area), sometimes they go to someone else’s theater on Friday or Saturday night.</p>
<p>I know some of my kid’s schedule. This weekend, he’s going to be working a friend’s show. Last weekend, he wasn’t working, so he went to a show that a professional company was doing. He knew the lighting designer somewhat, and was impressed with the design, and went up to talk with him after the show with another theater tech friend, and they both wound up staying and helping to strike the set. They may well have gone out drinking afterwards, but up until about midnight, he was fully engaged in non-drinking, highly satisfying, and social activity. Beats laundry!</p>
<p>Have things really changed that much since we were all in college? I went to a big school with plenty of parties, and went to plenty of parties, but I just happened to not be a big drinker. There were <em>always</em> tons of kids there who weren’t big drinkers either. We would hang out and talk, or dance if it was a really big (space-wise) party. Sure there were drunk people, but it seemed like there were just as many people who were stone cold sober and just enjoying the conversation. </p>
<p>Or maybe I just thought they were all sober…</p>
<p>Maybe it’s just the parties I’ve been to, but there have usually only been one or two people there sober with the rest RAGINGLY, disruptively drunk. Granted the parties I have been to have probably not been more than 50-100 people. I have never been to any of the gigantic ones, I don’t feel safe.</p>
<p>I think things HAVE changed since our own college days, based on what I hear from kids today in a range of schools. My D had a rough freshman year for exactly the same reasons, although she’s no teetotaler, she’s not into heavy drinking and partying and there were many saturday nights when she would call home just for company! It really is harder to make real friends when you’re not relying on drinking as a social bond, but it’s definitely possible. It takes longer, but the good thing is that the friendships tend to be real. Many of the freshman “instant” drinking friends have fallen by the wayside as they move on. By mid-second semester, D had found others like her and now, as a sophomore, she has a group. She still occasionally complains that “all anyone wants to do is drink all weekend”. Maybe the CC students here need to find each other!</p>
<p>Twisted, you’re smart to not feel safe at these drinking parties. My D reports multiple abusive incidences (all boy on girl) among her friends all tied to drinking. She is actually trying to raise some awareness on her campus but seems to be getting stonewalled by the one dean she talked to.</p>
<p>Is he in his dorm room on Friday/Saturday nights? Tell him to always leave his door open if he’s in, and to occasionally walk up and down the hall to see if anyone else is around. If they are, invite them over or go to the common room to watch a movie/TV/play games.</p>
<p>My hall freshman year was split up into two groups. The guys that went out drinking Friday and Saturday, and those of us that stayed behind to play games, go out to movies, or just to hang out. The rest of the week we were all friends and hung out the same, so there were no hard feelings or that obnoxious elitist acting some people that don’t drink put on.</p>
<p>Club sports - teams that travel. Ultimate is a good sport, usually has some good kids with more moderate/low drinking levels. :)</p>
<p>GREAT POST TWISTED!</p>
<p>a lot of maturity and wisdom there…and a great show of leadership</p>
<p>…its one fo the reaons our S is looking for a school where he will find good things to do - beyond that heavy drinking culture…</p>
<p>My D’s experience has been much like Twisted. She has a small group of friends…they go to a movie, watch something on her big TV, go to the mall, etc. Some of the more service oriented greeks have events that aren’t ragers. It will definitely take more time, drinking is the no brainer default.
PS My older S definitely parties…I’m not criticizing parties here or claiming my D is an angel so let’s not go there.</p>