Socially awkward/quirky kids at BS - success stories, tips?

Would love to hear some success stories or tips from parents with socially awkward/quirky kids at boarding school. Especially boys!

My son is a great student, but not particularly self aware. He won’t need academic help at school, but may need some organizational help. He would definitely be described as “quirky” or “nerdy” and is picked on and bullied at his public school. We are hoping BS will be an environment that is a little more accepting of his personality. He is also not sporty, but really likes art.

At one recent interview I got the impression from the AO that it would be a struggle to fit in. He compared him to some of their incoming international students.

So, any tips from those with quirky kids?

Hi @busymommyof4 . Thanks for your post. First, let me say, I am sorry to hear about your son’s experience at his public school. Your post tells us that you are carefully crafting a list of schools where your DS will fit in comfortably and thrive. There are number of BS’s where your child’s interests and talents can be nurtured. We have found that BS can set the stage (so to speak) for kids to come out of their shells. There may be many kids like your DS. There are also platforms available at BS upon which kids can explore new areas of expression, as well as academic study. One thing we had wished we had done for our “shy” kiddo was to prepare for speaking in class. Contributing to the classroom discussion is something that is more expected in BS than in middle school. Also, many schools tell parents (during Revisit) that they want and expect students to advocate for themselves. So, if your child is quiet or shy, this may be something to start thinking about and preparing for in BS next year. Best wishes! :bz

I do think some schools have more of a critical mass of quirky kids and are more embracing of eccentricities. School culture matters.

AOs are paid to emphasize the positive aspects of their school and downplay the negative. If they are hinting that your son might get picked on at first, I think you can assume the reality is much harsher. I would not apply to that school.

I am sorry this has been an issue for your son in public school, and I agree with the above that I would take to heart what an AO is saying. I do think that at the right school, there is plenty of room for a kid to find his niche and outlets for his interests (and new ones). Also, it’s cool to be smart. DS has a couple of former MS classmates whom I’d describe as quirky (and extremely bright) who are having a lot of success at prestigious schools, though one attends a day school and the other is a faculty kid at a school frequently discussed here. Best wishes, and definitely keep your eyes open and listen to your gut reactions at revisits!

What are your son’s interests? What schools have you started to explore? I am a true believer that everyone can find their “fit”. Jump on over to the Academic Support post that is pinned and you will see some of the more nurturing schools that can also offer executive functioning support.

As my son was coming from a very small Montessori school, one of the things I requested on our tours was a kid with similar interests that came from a similar type of school if there was one. Definitely ask to meet kids with similar interests.

Thank you all! Our first choice school has a learning center that I think would definitely provide all the support we need to keep him organized! I am praying that is where we end up! I am hoping to get an updated evaluation this summer and his middle school counselor has told me that she will help with getting his IEP, 504, etc.

I am more concerned about him fitting in socially, making friends, and being happy at school. He is not happy at his current school and it’s heartbreaking to watch. The last school we interviewed at seemed like a great school academically, but it made me nervous when the AO made a remark about his ability to fit in there since he isn’t very sports focused. He implied that he would eventually be befriended because the other kids would want his help academically. I would rather that he find a group of friends that want to be his friend for more genuine reasons. He’s very smart, likes to read, play video games, draw, play chess and is interested in theatre.

I have a big list of questions for revisit days! I feel like it was hard to get a true sense of the other kids at the tours. Hopefully revisits will be a little more revealing?

@busymommyof4 Do you live close enough to schools that you can go visit them at other times? My pup is sporty and it was suggested early on on CC that I start going to games to see what they are like, observe the students, etc. We have been to several at all the schools and it also gave us an opportunity to really speak to coaches and AOs an extra time. All in all, a really nice experience and it helped the pup narrow down her list because of how she was treated at some schools.

I imagine that you could do the same for theatre productions or concerts or whatever else is going on on campus.

Schools that specialize in academic support are often more welcoming to quirky kids because they attract kids who have struggled in the past and who have a more developed sense of empathy as a result.

I think your challenge is geographic: Most of the schools that might seem a stronger match are farther away from home.

@busymommyof4 I think the revisit days are better for getting a sense of the environment since you are there for a longer period than the interview, and it’s much more relaxed since everyone has been accepted. They typically split up parents and kids and send kids off with a host to go to classes and/or panels, lunch, and have some time to hang out with students. Being an athlete does make it easier to have a “built in” group, but you and your son should be prepared to ask about other activities and groups, such as music ensembles, theater, peer tutors, community service, etc. And who knows, he may end up doing a sport — it’s encouraged, and BSs offer levels for pretty much anyone. Also, other than the most self-confident, extroverted kids, I think it’s a little hard and awkward at first for everyone. My son admitted around Christmas break last year that it was a harder adjustment at first than he had let on. The question is what efforts does the school make with freshmen (and otherwise) to get kids to mix and get involved, what kinds of structured activities there are, etc. (in addition to the general atmosphere).

@CaliMex - geography is an issue. I don’t want him to be too far from home. I’d also like him to be at a school with his sister.

I don’t think academics will be much of an issue at all, especially with the small classes, accessibility of teachers, etc. The bigger issue is definitely the social piece. In general, not school specific, I’m just wondering if there were was anything that helped a quirkier kid fit in in the BS environment and what I should be looking for when we revisit? Thanks!!

Sent you a PM.

I think that it’s impossible to speak about this generally…A LOT (EVERYTHING?) is going to depend on the school you pick.

This is a topic with which I have an unfortunate amount of experience. If your child struggles socially, it’s likely they will struggle socially to some degree at almost any school, although there will be factors that may make it better/worse, depending on the school and the kid.
We wrestled with the decision to send our son to BS for primarily this reason. He has ASD and ADHD diagnoses, but is very high functioning, so comes across to peers as just awkward and sort of weird. The things he struggles with the most - executive function skills, social savvy - are the things that a happy, successful experience at BS requires. I have to admit, as tough as it has been at points for him, he insists he’s very happy and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. In the end, the pros of having opportunities there to do things he loves have outweighed the cons of struggling socially and organizationally.
Practically speaking, in addition to academic or sports/arts opportunities that might align with your child’s interests, also take a close look at the student clubs. My son has not clicked with his dormmates, for the most part, and were it not for the clubs he joined, in what I would consider pretty niche areas of interest, he would feel very socially isolated. I would make sure the school has a robust counseling program for if/when your child does feel lonely and needs more support than you might be able to provide from afar. I would also plan to be very upfront with your child’s advisors and teachers - at the lowest point this year, we reached out to his advisor, who was able to keep a closer eye on him and also encourage the proctors in the dorm to take him under their wing a bit more, and it helped a lot. He has also taken the time to explain his diagnoses to each teacher he’s had at the beginning of the term, and for the most part, they’ve been warmly welcoming and appreciative of his self-advocacy.
Please feel free to PM me!

@momof3nyc - thank you! That is very helpful! I think I will make a point of finding out more about the advisor/counselor when we go to revisit days and will find out more about the clubs also. My son sounds similar to yours. I think it will be a challenge for him socially, but the opportunities that will be available to him will be worth it!

To the OP: While you are considering schools and making your choice, determine what structured activities and/or support may be available to students on the weekend. What are your expectations and your student’s expectations (as well as needs) for the weekends. For some students at BS the first year, the weekends can be difficult and lonely - especially if they are not in sports. Some kids participate in theatre or performing arts practices on the weekends. Some kids, on the other hand, spend a lot of down time with video games. So, you may want to determine what clubs and/or activities are available on the weekends.

I think a culture of tolerance and acceptance makes all the difference. And, on a more nuts-and-bolts level, for a non-sporty kid it is important that there be some acceptable alternative to the team sports that some schools require (and other ways to stay fit, of course). There should also be a structure in place that forces all kinds of kids to get to know each other (for instance, meals with assigned, rotating seating that include faculty). But really, it all comes down to how people treat each other, and I don’t know how schools make that magic. It probably comes down to a combination of the students they choose and the way the adult faculty and staff model behavior.

@twinsmama - I do think the seated/assigned meals will be very helpful. The schools we are considering all offer them with some frequency during the week. I think they go a long way in helping kids to meet other students they may not normally socialize with. One of the things I loved about my BS was that everyone knew/recognized each other and would say hello when passing on the quad, etc. even if we weren’t in the same class, dorm, or group of friends.

OP-It’s so great that you are thinking of these things, as he will likely have no trouble in the classroom. Though I don’t like the AO comment that he’ll be helping other kids so kids will want to be friends with him, that could give you a window into what that school is like. Sounds a bit cliquey to me.

We visited several schools that didn’t fit our kid in multiple respects. We did find a couple of schools which had more a more quirky bent than others. Some had less emphasis on sports and more on other things. Proximity to various cities also changed the nature of the school. Geography matters. So does part of the country ( East or West Coast or Southern or Western it varies a lot).
Remember all he needs is a small group of like minded peers. So finding a school that isn’t too small might be the way to go. You’ll know it when you visit it. Also talk to other parents. Is this a school that attracts name brand folks who are looking for their kid to attend an Ivy league or are they also interested in the whole package? We found some schools to be filled with parents who were more about prestige than education. That’s fine, it’s just not our family.

I would also ask a lot of questions about how schools begin the Freshman year. We’ve heard from friends whose kids were dropped off and started the next day all the way to schools which took several days to integrate the kids and get to know one another. It varies a lot but can make a big difference in what foot he gets off on.
Honestly, I think there are more quirky kids at BS’s than public schools or at least they are valued at BS. My kid has met lots of kids who are unusual in many ways. I head a lot about it. Sometimes the stories are about teenage awkwardness and sometimes they are about the struggle for kids to fit into a new environment.

@Happytimes2001 - that comment made me nervous as well.

The school that i think is our best fit reached out asking for copies of his IEP etc, so I am hoping that’s a good sign. It is mid-size, has sit down meals and an emphasis on community. They seem to have a much friendlier community and would be supportive of a kid that’s very smart, but awkward. I am really praying he’s accepted there and that revisit day will be reassuring!

@busymommyof4 Sorry but I don’t know what makes you nervous so I can’t clarify. Maybe just the thought of sending your kid off to BS?

@Happytimes2001 - the AO’s comment, not yours, I’m sorry! I wasn’t clear! Thank you for your thoughts!