<p>OP, before you go off thinking that you have AS you should really check out House Season 3 Episode 4. I find it very off that people decide because they watch one episode of a tv show that mentions a disease that there suddenly experts on it. Oh and btw that episode aired on tuesday 10/26. </p>
<p>Im kinda shy (use to be alot like you). I think the major problem with shy people and not knowing what to say is that we didnt get the necessary experiance during childhood. it gets easier with time. just keep working at it and it will get easier (and more fun).</p>
<p>my main problem is just being able to hold a non mechanical conversation</p>
<p>After some research it appears to me pretty accurately that I have a personality disorder and after years of misery and failure in social relationships I’ve long lost the ability to try anymore to form friendships and almost prefer (because its the easiest thing now) to just avoid all people. Of course this is not good, but the little voice in me that use to tell me not to give up has finally died from exhaustion. Whats worse now is I also no longer feel ability to actively keep any existing relationships because of my years of semi-isolation i’ve grown to not value most people who are incompatible with me. This selective tendency ensures a life of continued isolation and misery. At one point my problem became so severe I took time off of college hoping to find a solution but even after much professional help i remain the same and worse. I’ve accepted this is something that will affect me probably for most of my life and I just find no happiness any longer from day to day. Of course I no longer find meaning in any previous passions and in fact seem to have no passions what so ever now but just tolerable things that can keep me occupied. I don’t imagine wealth or power or anything else achievable by hard work through my studies or otherwise as able to improve my emptiness. Suicide is always on my mind but i’ve come to discover that i’m too afraid to take my own life, so now i just hope for a natural death soon and i try in vain to accelerate this by doing things to put myself in danger, usually for a quick rush. I wish a for a change in the course of my life but i’ve run out of ideas and because of other contradicting issues I see my problems as only solvable by a miraculous intervention of some sort. Hopefully one or the other will come soon as I fear having to do the last thing in my ability.</p>
<p>This whole thing looks like a giant don’t-care state on a Karnaugh map.</p>