My two freshman daughters connected with tons of other students on social media for their class at each school. Had meetups before school started and just rolled into school with lots of friends and connections.
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My D is a sophomore but this is kinda like her freshman year since she wasn’t in-person initially and then she was, and it was extremely locked down. So this is her first semester of “real college” and it has been ROUGH. She is finally starting to settle in and turn the corner after a few solid months of both a therapist and an academic coach. I have spoken to a few other parents and they, too, are seeing improvement with their struggling kids the last few weeks. I do believe that the pandemic has stunted some kids’ social and academic progress, especially those that were in strict distancing situations. Hang in there, and give her the time and help she needs. It’s going to get better!
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I’m sorry to hear about your worries. Without doubt, two years of various degree of disruption (on what’s now their sophomore class, and the current freshman class, as well as many campus traditions/activities) will have affected the student body and the traditional experience - likely at any school.
So definitely some very important, positive things to build upon.
She’s already better off than many other freshmen who dislike professors, struggle with academics, etc.
So she already has a perspective - which also is encouraging. On the surface it sounds as if she’s coping with the current situation.
Closed doors are not uncommon and maybe less of a matter of “cliques” and exclusivity, than a matter of “by default” socializing with whom they already know.
Naturally, being in a single room reduces a few easy ways to form a social circle, doubled by whatever other connections a room mate might introduce.
Maybe focus on some promising potentials:
Besides having made a few friends, and the club, there is the DJ gig, and the classes and campus job she loves. Hopefully, one can reach out to a few familiar faces about going to the dining hall together, or meeting in the library to work on papers?
Maybe the next semester will bring a new mix of classes, maybe some require group-projects? Some of these classes might introduce her to fellow students, of various seniority, who share the same interest/passion in whatever subject?
All these can be good openers.
And next year will bring new room assignments, with incoming transfer students eager to connect and some students who prefer to change room mates, etc. - which will reset her own dorm experience back to normal
I’m glad you will support her, if she ultimately decides to transfer. But it’s entirely possible that she would be transferring just when things would have improved anyway. Then she’ll start somewhere else without contacts, and not knowing if she’ll love classes and jobs equally well.
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My daughter’s freshman dorm was “closed doors” as well. The rooms were doubles, and basically too small to really “host” anyway. So it wasn’t a sign of cliques, as no one knew anyone else either.
On top of that, her roommate was almost a commuter student, who used her room during the day and some nights, but often spent time in the city with her family, or with her boyfriend elsewhere. Initially, my daughter was truly worried for her when she didn’t come back at night, until she realized it just was going to be “that way”.
So… instead of the traditional “room mate” bonding experience she had envisioned - she disappointedly had a quasi-single. The “closed doors” turned out to be no real problem though, as she soon made a friends through classes, electives, clubs,… - and, by extension, their circles.
I’m sorry for your daughter. It’s hard to tell if it’s COVID, the college or both. It sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders and has a plan to help ameliorate her experience. I have a freshman too and she seems to be doing well. She is in marching band and they are an instant family with socializing and activities on top of all the games they perform at and the practices they need to attend. She is also very involved in various clubs, both related and unrelated to her major. It’s a big state college in a big city so I think the experience might be a little different to your daughter’s. Her dorm is also closed door (it has the reputation for being the socially dead dorm) but she lucked out with great roommates. She made a close group of friends that meet together for dinner most days, and plan little excursions to the beach, the farmer’s market, the nightclub etc. I think their university monitors the wastewater in the dorms for COVID and if they detect anything they mandate everyone be tested. My daughter has to test three times a week because of indoor wind instrument playing (the Bball games just started). I think everyone else is encouraged to test weekly but they are not obligated unless they are symptomatic or the waste water sounds the alarm. I’m not 100% sure though. There have been tough patches but nothing like the end of Junior year and most all of Senior year in high school with the school closures and lockdowns. All my best to your daughter. It’s tough leaving home and not fitting in. I hope she finds her place!
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My D25 is also a freshman at a small LAC with strict COVID rules. She wound up in a single and found it really difficult to make any friends in her hall. Nobody keeps their doors propped open because then they would have to keep their masks on.
And “freshmen orientation” was a big letdown. Instead of hosting movie night or cookies in the lounge, her RA held all of their meetings via zoom! So these kids are steps away from each other, behind closed doors, trying to get to know each other. Meanwhile, why can’t they just meet in person if they’re wearing masks anyway? I was so infuriated that I nearly reached out to Residential Life to complain. But I held my tongue because I’m trying not to try & solve every little problem anymore. And I realized the RA is a sophomore whose experience on campus has been completely shaped by COVID.
Fast forward a few months, D has made a nice group of friends, basically through a few kids she knew from home. But parties still seem to be closed & I have no idea if that’s because of COVID.
Let’s just hope that all of our kids get to experience college “fun” as it used to be while still staying safe & healthy.
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It sounds like a mixture of both. Private LACs are smaller and tend to have a more cliquish culture than most schools. It sounds like this school might not be a cultural fit for her. Perhaps a larger, more diverse school might be better, like a state university. They tend to be less personal, but there’s no pressure to be part of a culture that doesn’t fit.
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@NRgy24 Dorms can be very hit or miss. Both of my kids attended LACs. The first ended up in a dorm that was socially dead with a passive RA and an antisocial roommate. She never gelled with her dorm and formed her friend group through who she met in her classes. This took a bit longer but she had consolidated a friend group by her second semester that stayed with her through the rest of her time in college. The second has a very lively and social dorm life with the whole floor knowing one another, hanging out, getting along well, etc. The RA is very hands on.
Having a roommate that engages in illegal and frightening behavior is likely a random unfortunate event not specific to that LAC and to their credit, they reassigned your daughter’s housing. By the way, she should not feel that it’s her responsibility to support or counsel a roommate who makes such poor choices in the middle of the night. That’s kind of her but too much to ask. Just my opinion.
You also asked about COVID impact - that might have some bearing, especially if there are rules about how many people can socialize in a dorm room. But I think that much of this may be random.
It sounds like she is finding her way and has a plan to further broaden her social circle. She also should be reminded that those friendships that everybody else seems to have made may not last beyond the first semester. Her three friends may last the distance if they’re based in common interests rather than who happens to be in the room next door. But as @Lindagaf has counseled, if a transfer is a possibility, make sure she does her homework regarding what’s involved, the timeline, etc.
Good luck!
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My D also attends a SLAC with pretty strict COVID protocols. Luckily she’s met a lot of people she likes, has a small group of close friends and seems to be doing well in her classes. She’s joined a few clubs and gone to some social events, however, there seems to be a general lack of fun activities. From what I can tell, most of the parties are thrown by athletic teams or are small gatherings thrown by upperclassmen. Overall the experience seems subdued.
I do think some of this can be attributed to the pandemic. Recent issues of the student newspaper have had articles about the suspension of first-year traditions, including an annual formal; record-setting demand for mental health services; and an editorial about the increase in the presence of campus security in dorms during weekend evenings which “foments uncertainty about whether and when we can gather without fear of discipline and — after 18 months of isolation — discourages us from forming the social connections that are core to college life.”
Combined with what seems to be a culture of pride in being swamped with work, I’m afraid the college is close to becoming a place where “fun goes to die,” at least for nonathletes. I know it’s still early days, but it’s disheartening.
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I am so glad you posted. I’ve been wondering if my D’s issues are related to having spent a year and a half of High School at home and missing so much interpersonal interaction. She is miserable at college now and wants to come home. She’s at a performing arts conservatory in a big city, and she loves the city but is so unhappy with her program. I am suspecting it is mostly because of the social stuff. She has been living in four person dorm, and it’s been horrible. The girls are horrible, horrible. Mean, partying excessively. It all came to a head Halloween weekend. The roommates held a party, did not tell my D and the room became party central. 20 strangers in the room went crazy, drinking and screaming, spilling alcohol on my kid’s stuff. When she asked them to stop ruining her things, they screamed and called her the C word. She left, came back and they were passed out around the room, one girl passed out in the bathroom with vomit everywhere. My D got them all out, cleaned up the vomit at 4:00 a.m., got into bed only to find empty liquor bottles under her covers. The roommates gave her a lame apology. In case you are wondering their RA is MIA. We called housing, got her relocated to another room with much nicer girls. But the damage is done. The original roommates have since been bad mouthing her around their program. I think she done with this school. I definitely think these kids don’t know how to interact, are partying excessively, and have lost the ability to interact.
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I agree, my son is on a sports team at Whitman, and joining a frat (not sure what I think about that!), and I think this has helped immensely. He spends all his time with them, and some of the girls on the corresponding women’s team. But Whitman seems to be operating pretty normally, 99% of kids vaccinated with masks only required indoors, parties…, so that might help the socially. I would say joining a sorority might help, or maybe a IM or club team?
I think a lot of the trouble is likely the roommate, I had a terrible roommate my freshman year (stealing from me in middle of night, locking me out and not letting me in…), but hard drugs? That’s another level. I also had 3 close friends after 1 semester, that is plenty to start with. Hopefully she continues to meet people and will slowly feel more comfortable.
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My dd is a freshman sports team member at a SLAC this year. I think that made it very easy to show up on campus and have an instant “family.” Besides that, she also met several other students and her non-athlete roommate on Instagram first, and then met up with her roommate once before school started. They each have their own group of friends but also get along very well with each other. My dd has been extremely lucky as it seems that every weekend there are well-attended social events, and several members of her team tend to all hang out together. The sports teams on campus almost remind me of fraternities and sororities as they get together with each other every weekend.
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I am sorry to hear about her experience! This thread has shown many factors - Covid, school culture, size, luck - that can combine to have it go well or not so well.
In case your D does pursue transferring, I can share my D21’s experience at a NE LAC. This school wanted to manage Covid but also very much wanted the LAC experience back so all activities are back on this year, everything is in person, they can cross register, etc. They just have to mask in class buildings and dining when not eating. They have only had a handful of cases all year - the trick seems to be that they achieved a 99% vax rate for students, faculty and staff. What a difference that has made. My D told me yesterday she doesn’t even have to think much about covid. They test twice a week so she knows her colds aren’t Covid!
She did meet students on discord before school so came in with friends and then has made more. Their RA has done in-person fun activities and their dorm common areas always have people to chat with and they do movie nights with a projector etc. She even threw a party in her dorm room (with open doors) and met people that way.
Also this whole comfort pet thing has been great for her. She doesn’t have one herself but visits those who do - she loves animals and gets to hang out with them in dorm rooms and common areas.
And this school has a culture of not distinguishing between what year people are. The dorms have all 4 years in them etc and they seem to not care or notice who is what year.
She has made a close group of friends but they are aware that they don’t want to be cliquey so they overlap with other groups and she is always trying to meet other people through her clubs, etc.
I share this to let you know that there are culture and structural factors that can facilitate bonding at a small LAC (despite all the covid issues) that your D can now prioritize higher if she looks for a transfer situation. Good luck to her. 
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