<p>This boy is in college.</p>
<p>Hey, worse thing, start over, healthy and well</p>
<p>Many people have set backs in life, and have to start from scratch</p>
<p>My H had a partner that stole EVERYTHING- his business was left with nothing- we borrowed money to make the rent and started over-knew tools, knew truck, new phones, it was a nightmare</p>
<p>It was a struggle</p>
<p>My H had a decision to make, pursue the person who stole and sue, etc, or cut his loses, and focus his energy on moving forward</p>
<p>My point is, think of this college like a bad marriage or relationship, how much is it worth hanging in there...losing the money is awful, but mental health, healing, moving on and having to start over is not the worse thing that could happen</p>
<p>losing the interest in college, trust in yourself, passion is really bad</p>
<p>If your D were in an abusive relationship, would you tell her to stay and take it? Even if she could lose her house and car? Wouldn't you say, get out while you have your sanity and health?</p>
<p>This college sounds bad, and if you have an option or a chance to start over in another place, do it</p>
<p>sorry my mistake but gist of comment --pay attention to this emotional distress-- still applies. </p>
<p>One thing I do not understand: The young man seems unwell. Couldn't he get a medical leave? Mom seems to be saying he just wants to stay home and play video games but her detailed description of the situation does not compute with that casual dismissal. Nope. </p>
<p>I think it is illegal for JW to deprive young man of anything when he's on medical leave. </p>
<p>These young people can be fragile. There are too many suicides on campus. We need to listen to them closely when they insist they're in distress. </p>
<p>My $.02.</p>
<p>There is no stigma in taking a medical leave --and the beauty is, it is a legal protection, as well it should be.</p>
<p>yes, my son is in college, and his classes do not transfer. no, my son is not an @$$, yes, I am just angry at him for the moment. My son is lazy, he has never pushed himself despite his incredible IQ, and is even in culinary because he had to be moved to vo tech from high school to get him to graduate, rather then god forbid he spend a minute studying instead of playing video games, even when I would take the cords to work with me. unfortunately I was a single mother who worked 12 hour shifts and my father was particularly easy on my son instead of making him do homework and pushing him to succeed. I have on many occassions sat with him calmly, discussed that yes, we made a mistake having him go to johnson and wales, but we made the decision based on their information, which most of was lies. and because nobody there takes any responsibility for anything , ( I would love to show all of you the letter I received from the president of their North Carolina campus in response to my many complaints, I'm sure eventually he could run for political office based on his complete non-responsiveness to the problems). All my son has to do is show up to classes that he finds very easy, complete his work, and get the heck out of there. otherwise he can go to his house, he has every technological comfort of life, and a very cool roommate, and just get it over with. instead, he thinks he should just be able to default, come home, and I should cover the thousands of dollars we would then owe. J and W has a loan program that depending on your GPA at end of year, that is how it is determined how much you pay back. ie) if you have a gpa of 3.9, you don't pay back the loan at all, a gpa of 2.0 and you have to pay back most of the loan, it goes by percentages. if you just leave before it's over, you pay it all back. He is currently on the deans list, which means little to no payback. I understand everybodies concern for his mental safety and emotional distress, but he is not in emotional distress or unsafe. He just wants an easy way out, and I won't give it to him. I have supported him beyond words, and I will continue to. If I thought for a minute he was in danger, he would be home. He wants to go to a state school next year for mathematics and science, and I am holding my breath. He wants everything to be easy, and it just isn't, and that is the source of my frustration. like I said, I don't negotiate with terrorists, and that's his game. there is no easy way out. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I hope I don't, but I feel he has to understand responsibility and finishing what you start, even if it's not the utopia you had hoped for. thanks all for your responses and support. It's a great arena to get help and I'm glad I found it.</p>
<p>amith1--I've got your back!! I have one like this as well. If it isn't easy then why bother............</p>
<p>Amith...maybe he's just come to grips with the fact that he's no longer interested in Culinary? I'm not sure how starting an academic program in math and science is the easy way out....perhaps he's picked up on your anger at J&W and just can't stand to be there???</p>
<p>I think a compromise might be in order (and no, I don't think you're negotiating w/terrorists...this is his life and future you're talking about.) If he finishes the program on the Dean's list, you'll sit down w/him and an educational counselor to assess what it would take to get him into and how to pay for the math/science program he wants. No debt for you....but some upside for him if he maintains his average....</p>
<p>Part of maturity is getting to the point where you stop blaming other people for your life's choices... you've got to stop blaming your dad for your son's academic success or the lack therof;your son has to stop blaming you for making him end up at JW....lots of growing up yet to do. I know you all can do it. He sounds like a talented kid.</p>
<p>amith1..........why do you continue to take the responsibility for making the mistake of choosing J&W? Your has been and is a problem, why would you then suck this up? I understand that you don't negotiate w/ terrorists. What I don't understand is his coming home if you have the ability to subsidize an apartment/house now then I would give your son a drop dead date and incentivize the rental rate. What purpose does allowing him to live at home serve?</p>
<p>Actually, it sounds like there are a lot of ways that you have fostered and supported the types of behaviors that you seem to be frustrated with. </p>
<p>Are the loans in your son's name or yours? If they are in his name, then the amount he owes at the end is his problem, not yours. If they are in your name, why isn't the discussion about how your son plans to pay you back for the money lost vs. your demanding that he stay in school? </p>
<p>It seems to me that you have chosen to bear all the consequences and costs associated with your son's problems: the unusual tuition/loan arrangement, his housing costs, his car.... then you get frustrated when your son doesn't do things your way. But he's got no incentive: you are going to pick up the pieces.</p>
<p>When my son wanted to drop out of college, I wrote up a financial statement - it listed all his assets, all the expenses that would be his responsibility if he didn't return to school (including things like health insurance), and what I expected it all to cost in terms of lost financial aid. There was no arguing -- I just asked him to sit down with me and go over expenses, and then I left it to him to decide what to do. I told him that he was welcome to stay home through the summer, but as of Sept. 1 he could no longer live at home unless he was either in school or employed. </p>
<p>He dropped out, got a job, supports himself, and has lived with the consequences of his own decision. I used to think my son was lazy and just wanted to play video games, too -- but he changed. Not for me, but for his employer. My son made the choice to forego some of the financial benefits he would have had if he had stayed in school -- now he has to use his own earnings to complete his own education, and will have to do it at a college that is far less prestigious than the one he was attending. But as noted, that's his problem, not mine. </p>
<p>I see a lot of negativity in the way you characterize your son, as well as resentment for the choices he has made in the past. What I don't see is any sign of your letting go or letting your son bear the consequences of his own choices. You'll hold fast and force him to stay in school, but as far as I can tell you haven't told him that he can't come home or that you are going to cut off the rent money if he leaves.</p>
<p>amith,
sometimes its an issue of just putting one foot in front of the other - and perhaps a counselor might be helpful. Best wishes and virtual hugs.</p>