Son can't seem to get on track with school

Parents Forum
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<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>S is a smart kid who seems to sabotage himself in small ways. He did extremely well in school through the 8th grade (all A's throughout middle school at a demanding private school). He wanted to go to public school for high school, which was fine. He took all honors and AP classes, and he started off very well ... all A's. Sophomore year, he let things slide a bit here & a bit there. He started to get B's now & then when he easily could have gotten A's ... he ended up with a decent GPA but not a "top" student. He got a 33 ACT, but he had no EC's. He spent his time outside school playing in bands & recording music. I couldn't get him to do any clubs, sports, or volunteer work. It isn't easy to get summer jobs in our high unemployment rate area, but he didn't exactly try, either. He saved his birthday and holiday money, so he wasn't bumming money from us. He didn't really look much at colleges, and he was waitlisted at the state flagship. The point is, he just sort of floated through life ... far from a slacker, but never quite where he could have been.</p>

<p>He is at a state U that is good for his original intended major, but he has changed his major. He isn't going to return next year. He applied for transfer to our flagship, which is very competitive, for next fall. Today he got his "no thanks" letter ... he was told he could ask them to review him for a later semester with a written request. He plans to try again next winter. In the meantime, he will attend a local commuter U, which is a solid school. He will live at home. He has to get a job (whether or not he wants to!).</p>

<p>I know very well that he will be fine, and that some kids just take a bit longer than others to get from point A to point B. He is a good kid, doesn't get drunk or do drugs. He isn't quite sure just who or what he wants to be. </p>

<p>So why does my heart ache for him? I know he needs some time to mature. He needs to take his education into his own hands & decide for himself how to proceed from here. I know that he will be fine. </p>

<p>So why do <em>I</em> feel so bad???</p>

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<p>When our kids are born and for the first few years of life, all things seem possible.
We can’t help but want the best for them, and we have our own dreams for who they will become and what they might do with their lives. But a funny thing happens on the way to adulthood- they take their lives into their own hands, and sometimes what we think or “know” is the best path for them isn’t as important to them as finding their own way.</p>

<p>You may feel bad because your dreams for him haven’t been realized, and may not be.
I think if we, as parents, truly recognize that it’s our dreams that are dashed- and not our children’s- it is easier to take. Is your son unhappy? I mean, I’m sure he’s disappointed that he didn’t get into the flagship, but is he unhappy in general? Depressed? If not, good for you. You’ve done a great job in letting him know he’s loved for himself and not for his achievements. Keep encouraging and have faith. It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything that should make you doubt that he will find his way, and succeed in whatever path he chooses.</p>

<p>And the short answer to why you feel so bad? Because you love him.</p>

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<p>Why you ask? You’re a mom!!</p>

<p>That is our job and mission in life; to ache and worry for our kids. From what I have been told, you never stop worrying, it’s just a different type of worry. Your S sounds relaxed and under no pressure to move quicker and seems content with this.
Basically, he’s marching to his own beat. My D is very much like that.
She is a HS senior and just finished the application process. It was so stressful applying to theater programs which are very competitive and only take about 20-25 kids.
I can’t tell you how frustrated I was with her attitude. I lost so much sleep worrying if she would get the apps done, then worried if she was prepared for the audition and finally, the interview. If I could do all of this for her I would have! I will say, I did more than I should have and it was eye opening for me. I realized maybe she wasn’t ready for all this pressure and stress. She was a little nervous but nothing earth shattering. </p>

<p>Now rejections are coming in and, I’m still losing sleep and she struts along. Go figure. Yes, thankfully, she did get accepted into a BFA program which turned out to be her least favorite. She is so happy to go and has transfer ideas in mind. I just want to die thinking of this process yet once again, just shoot me. </p>

<p>Suddenly a light bulb went off and I realized, its up to her and she will have to work really hard and do this on her own. I helped the first time but now it will be up to her and how bad she wants it; isn’t this what life is all about? I gave her the tools and now she must use them. No matter what, I will still worry. </p>

<p>What have I learned? It’s her life and she’s happy and content. Meanwhile, my wine intake went from one glass to 2 (daily) and she’s still happy. I did my job which was to support, guide and educate her. In the end it’s her decision, and all I want is for her to be happy. She has goals and the route she takes might take a bit longer, but where am I going? I can only hope it won’t take 6 years or I will be in serious debt.
I realize now, she will be going to a college where she truly belongs, doing what she loves, getting valuable experience and a year to mature and develop. </p>

<p>We have to appreciate the good in our kids. Your son sounds like a great kid and from what you wrote, he doesn’t sound miserable or unhappy. He’s just not anxious or in any sort of rush, that’s a good thing. (maybe not for you)</p>

<p>He will wake up when he’s ready and you will be there with a smile. Just don’t let him take too long. You are normal and most parents experience this, they just don’t have the guts to admit it. Remind yourself are you worrying for him or you? </p>

<p>Good Luck and Relax :)</p>

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<p>I think another aspect is that we have lived longer and see the bigger picture. I have a niece who is a bright young woman whose academic life has derailed. I KNOW what she is capable of accomplishing and I know that at some point she will regret the choices she has made. She is not going to be content in a minimum wage job, she is going to tire of her co-workers, and she is going to be 30 years old and muddling along. We have lived long enough to know how this time is precious and it is very difficult to regain these opportunities. </p>

<p>This young woman is not my child, I don’t nag her, but it is killing me to see her squander her potential.</p>

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<p>Sorry to hear that your son is struggling, but it DOES take some kids longer than others to sort things out. The most talented youth psychologist our family ever encountered (is an owner of a therapeutic wilderness program) flunked out of college freshman year. His family cut off funding and he had to work at Sizzler for a year. He went on to get a PhD and is a leader in his field.
It IS disappointing when our dreams for our kids don’t quite align with their own reality. I understand completely how you feel. It is even harder with a successful “easier” older child.
Let him take the time at the local college and figure out what he’s missing.</p>

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<p>kelsmom, i completely feel your pain. i also have a boy who started out as a highly promising student in a very selective ‘highly gifted’ program – who has been floundering in high school. his dad and I’ve had to radically adjust our expectations and visions of his more immediate future. like your son, he’s late bloomer, with issues to boot, who more than likely will be struggling in college, if not academically then emotionally. no words of wisdom, just a hug along with sympathy and understanding.</p>

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<p>MoWC - good point!</p>

<p>I re-read my post and it sounded soooo gloomy. I was trying to point out that it isn’t just the “mom” thing kicking in, it is also having a different vantage point.</p>

<p>I was also a problem child. I dropped out of school after two years and returned and became a school psychologist with a very nice career. No amount of nagging was going to bring me around when I was being my version of wild child. I had to look around and realize that I was going to be bored with my job, tire of my co-workers - OH LOOK that’s what I want my niece to realize :)</p>

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<p>Why isn’t playing in bands and recording music considered an EC?</p>

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<p>Actually, I do consider it to be an EC … and he did include those things in his apps. He did get accepted to some equally good schools last year. It’s just our quite snooty flagship with its point system that is the issue (UMich). And of course, that is where the kid wants to go to school.</p>

<p>I really appreciate all of your comments. He is not depressed, and he did half expect the rejection. MOWC knows that I do have an older D who is an over achiever, so she is correct that that plays into things … if I didn’t have that child, it might bother me less. I have never compared the two, but it’s hard not to think about how much easier some things are with D (but then, some things are more difficult!). I have worked really hard to let him be himself, and he has never disappointed me in any way. It’s just that I do, as some have pointed out, love him so much & want the best for him.</p>

<p>My wonderful coworker had a great suggestion this morning. Our flagship has a campus not too far from us to which he could almost certainly be accepted for fall. She knows it well & says they offer concierge service, more or less. They are supposed to be wonderful in helping the students get to main campus. I am looking forward to talking to him about this option tonight when I get home.</p>

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<p>Oh kelsmom, quite a few of us have these kids, mostly sons. You said:</p>

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<p>I know that in my case, I *don’t **know ***that mine will be fine. I don’t want to be a huge downer, but for every “became a huge success after bad start in college” story we all know of kids (and maybe even our own peers) who just never did much of anything. The stereotype of “still living in his parents’ basement at the age of 30” exists for a reason.</p>

<p>Some people rise to the occasion and others don’t. My inlaws know a guy who was fired in the air traffic controllers strike of 1981 and went to work at a fast food place and never left. I’m not talking fast food management, I’m talking “do you want fries with that?” </p>

<p>We tell ourselves it wil be fine, others tell us that, but there is no guarantee. We on CC pretty much think that a parent’s duty is to make sure her child has a college education. It’s scary to think of that not happening.</p>

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<p>That is a problem with us, too. His younger sister will be leaving for college far away in September…and by the looks of things, he will still be living in his bedroom, going to cc.</p>

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<p>Why did I post? I’m no help whatsoever.</p>

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<p>I think your perspective is helpful, missypie.</p>

<p>My nephew is about to graduate from college a year early. This is due to somehow getting to take a bunch of CC courses during high school and then some summer school. He is immature and has a disability (fairly mild TS) and, in my view (and I keep my mouth relatively shut) he is NOT ready to enter the adult world. His mother (my wonderful sister- seriously) has edited papers all through college, but generally has done an amazing job managing his disability and raising him. He has been interviewing for jobs and does not have a stellar GPA. He is an average student with some real deficiencies in writing, spelling etc. (HOW does a kid like this graduate from a top suburban high school with a high GPA???) So- here we are in March and he is having a meltdown about the interview process, the prospect of having to get a “real” job etc. My sister is fit to be tied, but to her credit (and her husband’s) has made it clear that he will NOT be lying on the couch watching the Phillies all summer. As soon as he graduates, his gas money gets cut off and all he gets is the right to live in the house. If he wants to flip burgers, so be it. They pretty much told him that he has to find a job with benefits, but that isn’t totally true since with the new healthcare he can still be covered. He thought he was going to move to Florida to live in their condo, but they said that can only happen if he gets a “real” job down there. This is a really good kid, but he has clearly not found his way yet- partly due to his disability (has associated OCD and anxiety even with meds) but also due to basic immaturity.<br>
So- I guess my point is that even a college degree isn’t the end of the road…</p>

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<p>Missypie-I appreciate your viewpoint. If we KNEW the story would end well, we wouldn’t be losing so much sleep. But, we don’t know. Kelsmom, it seems to me, has done all she can to this point. It doesn’t sound as if she has any regrets. What else can she do now but cross her fingers, be supportive and worry, like the rest of us.</p>

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<p>Kelsmom,
Are you in MI per chance? My son was / is exactly the same, except that he did graduate with a 4.0. He’s now at the state flagship, and not doing well from lack of effort - and depression. We got the email late last night that he plans to withdraw next week. I ache for him, and know that it’s mainly the depression that has hijacked him, but I know I’m going to be embarrassed to tell people he’s coming home and going to commute to the local school. We want what’s best for our children, and I know he NEEDs to do this, so why is embarrassment even an issue? My emotions are all over the place.</p>

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<p>Kelsmom,
Obviously I didn’t read the other posts before I posted. My brain is frazzeled today. I’m glad I now read all the other posts. There is a lot of hope & encouragement in what I read.</p>

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<p>Kelsmom,
To me your S just sounds like a great kid who just doesn’t have patience for jumping through hoops. He has real interests and doesn’t just float along, imo. Floating along would have been staying at his first school even though it was no longer meeting his needs because that would be easier than transferring.</p>

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<p>When it became obvious about a year ago that Son would not be returning to his LAC, I think everyone in our family started trying out our stories. Our true friends know the reason. To others I’ve told various versions, but most now get “he’s trying to figure out what he wants to do.” Most people ask about college just as something to say - who knows if they are even listening to the answer.</p>

<p>But I will tell you one thing: If you ever delve into the fact that your college student is less than perfect, there is a very good chance that the other parent will admit to imperfection, too. Someone has to go first.</p>

<p>Real conversation:</p>

<p>Us: How are things going for your son at XU?
Them: Great! How are things for your son?
Us: Not so great. He is coming home and going to cc next year.
Them: Really? Our son didn’t do well either and he is coming home and going to cc, too.</p>

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<p>missypie: I love you.</p>

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<p>I think it is unhealthy to think that all kids at 18 are at the same maturity level. Mature does not equal good character! Lots of great advice here.</p>

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<p>Thank you, rumandting. I never dreamed that I would have so much experience in this area.</p>

<p>At the risk of making the other moms cry, I do think that many of the students feel weird and/or embarrassed about coming home. Son’s two best friends from high school are also back home already and they virtually never see each other. They only get together on school breaks, when the kids going to school out of town come home. </p>

<p>I’m sure that areas where there isn’t a huge college-bound population are different, but in our area, not only do the parents expect that at 18 their kids will march lock-step to college, but the kids grow up thinking exactly the same thing.</p>

<p>We attend a very large church. The “college program” is designed for students away from home, attending a nearby university. There is no Sunday morning programming because “everyone knows” that college students don’t get up for church on Sunday mornings. There are all kinds of kids who either didn’t go away to school or did and are back home and there is nothing for them at church because the church doesn’t expect them to be there. My son volunteers with the elementary aged sunday school kids, just to have somewhere to go. </p>

<p>It is hard for kids to follow their own path after high school, because the community just expects them all to be on the same path.</p>