<p>I agree with LanaHere- you need to have a heart to heart talk- lay all the consequences on the table… I also think perhaps he should see a counselor or therapist. You can’t let him continue a slide into depression, and you certainly can’t send him off to college without coping skills.</p>
<p>So let us say he got into Harvard. He may be thinking “Cool! I got into Harvard! Look everyone!”
But then internally he may be thinking “I can’t believe I got into Harvard…even my mom was surprised. Really smart people get into Harvard…how am I going to keep up with them?”</p>
<p>And perhaps, subconsciously, he is self-sabotaging so he doesn’t go there. </p>
<p>Maybe you want to talk to him about what is going on. Maybe you bring up the idea of does this maybe have to do with next year? And then let him know even though he is admitted to a reach school, he doesn’t have to go. This process is about finding the best school FOR HIM, not what everyone else thinks is the best.You will support him whatever he chooses…but the one thing he has to choose is to do better now.<br>
And then have him go to the teacher after school, get a tutor, form a study group, get a book with extra practice problems, etc. etc.</p>
<p>Have you talked to his teacher(s)? I don’t usually talk to teachers but in this situation, I absolutely would. Ask how he is performing in the classroom now, compared to before the acceptances came in. One question is how did the other students do on the same exam? (If the highest score was 20%, his grade is still worrisome but it puts things into a different context.) Is he engaged in class? Does he ask questions? Does he answer questions? How did he do the first semester? Perhaps having a conference with your son, his GC and the teachers will provide some insight into the situation.</p>
<p>I’m finding out that high school is incredibly stressful for students. I hear over and over again about students who are seeing counselors and therapists as well as tutors. I’m not convinced getting into one’s dream colleges removes any stressors. </p>
<p>The “soft and delusion” is just being transparent [to you all on this forum]. He is. I am not going to sugar coat it. It’s partially my fault, but he is not at the level of the top students in his school. He is not close to the level of maturity he needs to display in the classroom. His SAT score saved his butt and along with the context of his life, showed elite schools that he is a boy who has a ton of potential. But his grades and schedule are not near the top of his school. In short, there is a disconnect between ability and effort. For him to say “I deserve a break this summer” is disconnected from the reality of what is deserving of a break. His peers [those in the top 10% of class] are doing things that he is not. What he defines as exerting vast sums of effort is a walk in the park for those students. </p>
<p>It’s a laziness I thought he would grow out of, especially after becoming motivated by all of the acceptance letters coming in. But this is proving to be perpetual behavior.</p>
<p>The teen brain is a mysterious thing. OP may talk to her son and still have no idea why he’s doing what he’s doing. The reason? He may not know why he’s suddenly nose-diving. </p>
<p>“The teen brain is a mysterious thing. OP may talk to her son and still have no idea why he’s doing what he’s doing.”</p>
<p>This is very true. Teens do not just open up and spill everything that’s going on. Or “I don’t know” is a common response.</p>
<p>Hello Linden, I highly doubt he was accepted to his dream school solely because of the SAT scores, especially if if this school is one of the top 20 in the nation. Surely his essays, teacher recommendations or some other part of his application would have been equally strong. I hope a trusted school official speak to him about this situation first. </p>
<p>“How’s he going to be able to keep up at this selective university?”</p>
<p>Sink or swim? I’ve been focused on getting him there, assuming the maturity would gradually happen. But his disposition hasn’t improved at all over the last year. Everything is done last minute, assignments are late, head in the clouds when he’s supposed to be studying for major exams, etc.</p>
<p>So you have 2 sons . . . the older has been accepted at some wonderful schools but he is soft, delusional, lazy did not earn the acceptances and it is a miracle that he got in. Your younger son is athletic, well liked, sociable, a B student and is just like his father in all the worst ways. </p>
<p>I stand by my assertion that what you need more than anything is to maybe step back and reframe. I feel the derision raining down in every post on both threads and frankly, it would make me want to put my head down and duck for cover too . . . or maybe just go to my room and shoot nerf basketballs.</p>
<p>Your older son’s timeline is short to get himself organized for this final stretch of senior year. The counseling office would be a wonderful place to start, but I would also advise trying to avoid the attitude that the boys are inherently “wrong” first thing out of bed in the morning. If nothing else, you’ve tried that and it isn’t working.</p>
<p>I appreciate your concerns, but I’m merely trying to be transparent to you all. I can see how it can come across as crass, but I am the furthest thing from a mean helicopter parent or whatever it is I sound like.</p>
<p>It’s not as if I’m telling my children “you’re just like your daddy!” or anything like that. But genetics are very real, and both have the careless disposition that inflicted their father. The older one is better read and more self-reliant, possibly more naturally gifted, so he has been able to overcome that attribute – and by the skin of his teeth – get into some very competitive colleges.</p>
<p>Is this his dream school or your dream school for him?</p>
<p>You seem so disappointed in him, he has to feel that - do you allow him to make his own choices? I see this a lot, parents so excited about a school acceptance so kid jumps on the train not thinking for him or herself and can’t get off. They get to the school they didn’t choose and fail and/or transfer. </p>
<p>Is he listening to all his peers be excited about their choice and inside he just isn’t excited about his? Maybe he just doesn’t want to work as hard as you want him to, or is tired of being told what to do and how to be? Sounds like a kid desperately trying to express himself (perhaps not in the best way) and no one is listening. But then, what do I know, I wish you luck.</p>
<p>I would take him aside and remind him that the big acceptance can be rescinded if he doesn’t pass his classes. He can slack off some, but he can’t completely shut down. Have another trusted adult tell him the same thing—a teacher, a counselor, a coach. See how he replies. I agree that the words he says may not reveal the true picture, but it will be a start. If he were my son, I’d ask him why the change—tell him he doesn’t have to go to Big School if he doesn’t want to, and that he could take a year off if he isn’t sure or doesn’t feel ready. (And that year off would be spent productively, of course.)</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like you are a hardworking mom who really loves her children and wants only the best for them. Your single mom status and a not-so-great father figure add stress to the already overwhelming struggle to raise kids that are willing and able to work to their best ability.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. You are your child’s best cheerleader, their encourager and the one person who loves them more than life itself. They need you in their corner right now. Unfortunately, they may also need a dose of reality, and not being a single mom, I don’t know how so many single moms can administer discipline and love and keep it all straight.</p>
<p>Now is the time to rally your resources, whoever that might be. A family relative or friend, someone who has established a pattern of love and trust with your children. A neighbor, a coach, a teacher or former teacher, a church pastor, someone who can come alongside you in these difficult times with teenagers. It needs to be someone your kids look up to. Maybe that person can “speak the truth in a loving way” to them.</p>
<p>The school might offer a number of resources for you and/or your children to shed light on the situation and any possible solutions. Teachers, administrators, guidance counselors, keep pushing to get information that might give clues to underlying causes. Your child may not be able to vocalize or even recognize their subconscious efforts to sabotage their success.</p>
<p>You need to look your child in the eye and tell them “I love you, and we will get through this together.” Hug him, and repeat as often as possible. Best wishes sent your way!</p>
<p>In re to “What does he want?” He has no idea. Nor has he displayed incredible initiative to find out. I’ve been the driving force behind the college motivation. He’d be content being anti-social and playing video games all day and moping around with a 3.5 GPA if I never pushed him.</p>
<p>In re to “Is it his dream college or [mine]?” I know the few friends he has are going to crappy regional public schools. He has bragged about every acceptance letter that arrives in the mail on social media, so I assume he is excited. I don’t tell him to tweet acceptance letters. In fact, I find it tacky.</p>
<p>I honestly think it’s depression and or anxiety disorder – but then his teachers will write it off as senioritis and a kid who lacks discipline. So, I’m cautious about making excuses for what may just be…am underachieving and lazy slacker.</p>
<p>Completely editing my post to focus on what you just said. Depression and anxiety look a lot like laziness to some people. Poor social life, inability to focus, no longer caring - those are all linked to depression. So if you know this, why are you calling your son soft and lazy? Are you aware that depression kills teenagers?</p>
<p>“Where he seems to be unhappy and not doing well. Now do you see why people are advising you not to try to make your other son into someone he’s not?”</p>
<p>What’s that mean? Be a laissez-faire parent and let a child with a perfect SAT go to junior college as he copes with depression, anxiety, laziness…whatever it may be? All but guaranteeing my child is shut out from true success, further perpetuating the inequality in America? It’s not as if he has a rich uncle or grandpa at a Fortune 500 company to offer him a job after spending 5 years slacking off at the state U. Middle class families only ticket out of this cyclical class status is education, period.</p>
<p>(1) I am calling him lazy because if I blame <em>everything</em> on “depression” his teachers roll their eyes. They think he is lazy and lacks discipline. He also has a history with two teachers of back talking.</p>
<p>(2) I also do believe he is soft. The “I need a summer to relax” when his peers have been working twice as hard the last 4 years illustrates that this isn’t purely depression. I believe there are multiple factors here and I don’t want to be the mom that blames everything on depression or anxiety when it is absolutely character as well. That’s all. I hope I don’t sound callouss, I worry I have been too forgiving and babied him and have created a child that isn’t nearly as disciplined as he should be [at his age, or at his level of intelligence]. A child that is “soft” can also suffer from depression.</p>
<p>Note: He has an appointment to see a specialist next week (after an 8 week wait for new patient).</p>
<p>Linden, if you really think he’s got a depressive or an anxiety disorder, get him to a psychiatrist or psychiatric NP for diagnosis and treatment (or to rule those things out). Depressive and anxiety disorders feel terrible for the person who has them. You wouldn’t let him walk around feeling fairly certain he had diabetes, why wouldn’t you seek treatment for these diseases?</p>
<p>Treatment is especially important for someone heading off to college. If he needs meds, the first one doesn’t always work, and psych meds aren’t like antibiotics. You have to let them load (usually 6 weeks), then come off them slowly before starting another. If you think he’s ill, you want him off to college with meds that work, not still in the “well let’s try this” stages. In medications aren’t indicated, CBT, which is highly recommended as a form of therapy, is pretty short term. Start him now and he can be through it by the time he leaves in August or September. </p>
<p>If you have been the driving force and I believe you used those words in an earlier post, it might be dawning on your son that he’s not especially interested in the college you propelled him toward. Take him out to dinner, sit and talk and see if you can figure out what’s going on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a young man or teen to take a couple years and get some classes at a CC under the belt before heading off to a 4 year college. Your statement below said it all for me and perhaps explains alittle why your son might be doing the things he’s doing. Last time I looked college was college and only 50% of kids actually finish. Nothing wrong with CC and the state U.</p>
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<p>As a single parent of two kids with anxiety issues (one of whom goes to a highly selective college), I feel for you. I think you need to take a path that you clearly have rejected: stop thinking these two kids are failures and will have no future worth anything if they won’t or can’t do exactly as you say. Start sending the message that you care about them for themselves rather than as simply how they measure up against everyone else at school. I’ll tell you from experience that if one of your sons becomes clinically depressed, your focus is going to be on him being able to get up in the morning, not whether he’s beating the kid next door at the college admissions game.</p>