<p>The Dean should be able to talk to the folks at campus mental health to give the heads-up on the RM.</p>
<p>Is there a Resident Head/Graduate resident who supervises the RAs in your S’s dorm? Meeting with the RA and Grad Resident may be an intermediate step. When I was an RA, the Grad Residents were generally PhD Psychology or MSW students and had some professional training. Would also be a hop, skip & jump from there to the Dean, and makes sure that the RA is supported appropriately as well (and provides CYA for letting folks up the food chain know).</p>
<p>Agree that the OP’s S needs to extricate himself with support, so he isn’t damaged by the RM’s actions or the S’s own perception that he abandoned someone in need.</p>
<p>Does he see RM as a friend? Tell him this is NOT a friendship. I had a good very long-term friendship pretty much destroyed because I was in your son’s position and didn’t stop it. It feels like you don’t have much choice, but it’s what needs to happen. </p>
<p>Also, ask him if he wants to do this his whole life. If RM is in therapy, RM will learn coping strategies and figure out how to adapt without leaning on your son, but he isn’t being forced to commit to that because your son is there.</p>
<p>1) As someone who had a suicidal (or at least threatening) roommate first year at a T20 school, and </p>
<p>2) Mother of a freshman son at the T20 school who has recently had roommate problems and didn’t want to takes things up the ladder beyond the RA to get resolution.</p>
<p>I think it is time to make sure the Dean knows what is going on, to document (at least for you own records) who has contacted whom, and to ask for a new rooming assignment asap!</p>
<p>Whether or not RM is actually suicidal or just scary/manipulative is not the point—this is very unhealthy for your son, and as someone else said—it is convenient for the school to take a wait and see approach. </p>
<p>When i got up the nerve to report my roommate’s behavior (in confidence, although I took a dormmate with me as backup) they got her out of there right away. In the long run this did both of us a service. She got appropriate help—I wasn’t put in an impossible situation for an 18-year old to handle.</p>
<p>I identify with your interest in letting your son handle this and keeping him in the driver’s seat, but as a mom I think this is the time to make it clear that what is being asked of him is not ok. If the kid does hurt himself (or someone else) you don’t want you son in the firing line.</p>
<p>Good luck. There’s a lot of good advice out there. Let us know what happens…</p>
<p>Call me a helicopter parent… but I would call the Dean myself if I were you. The consequences for your son are lifelong if the roommate does kill himself. I was recently at a suicide support group for survivors, and there was a couple there whose son’s life had been just destroyed by the suicide of a very close friend who had manipulated their son in very similar ways. Even if your son has told health professionals on campus, you should play the heavy here and get him moved to another room. Your son can say that his mom insisted…</p>
<p>Just another comment, D1 had roommate problems her first year, and at her college there was someone between the RA and the Dean (sort of a head RA person) who was engaged when the RA couldn’t handle the issues. That person might exist at your son’s school as well, and should also be engaged. Even if your son moves, this kid will still be there with these issues.</p>
<p>This thread is making me crazy. The roommate sounds just like my sister-in-law</p>
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<p>No, it’s easy. Your son just needs to move, sooner rather than later.</p>
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<p>I suspect they know what is going on, they just don’t know what to do about their son any more than anyone else does.</p>
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<p>I hope that doesn’t mean you are going to wait for things to deteriorate again before taking action, because they will deteriorate again.</p>
<p>These kind of people are highly manipulative. They burn through friends, they burn through therapists, they burn through family members.</p>
<p>Let me ask you this, do you think your son has helped his roommate? Because I don’t. Are the nightly talk fests helping? Have the hours your son has invested helped the roommate one little bit? I suspect that all the effort your son has expended has just been wasted effort. I know that sounds harsh but I really feel for your son in this situation. Being around people like his roommate is like being six feet under water. It just feels bad, it is so much easier to be around people who aren’t so needy.</p>
<p>The roommate has made your son think that he really needs him in his life. But the truth is that the roommate will do just fine once your son has disengaged. He’ll find someone else to be responsible for him and that will continue until he burns through the next person.</p>
<p>I know your son hopes this problem will solve itself but I don’t think it will. The roommate will just keep using him as long as your son permits him. Good luck.</p>
<p>Also, by intervening you’ll be sending your son an important message about how not to be used by manipulators and when it is appropriate to get help. Both useful life lessons.</p>
<p>If you let him wait and see how things turn out, you risk sending the message that this isn’t that bad, and he should suck it up.</p>
<p>OP- again, I appreciate your wanting your son to handle this himself and not to play the heavy but…</p>
<p>You have third hand information that says the kid is in therapy. You don’t actually know the RM is seeing a therapist- the kid has told your son he’s seeing a therapist.</p>
<p>You are an MD. If you have a patient who tells you about what’s going on with another physician- don’t you verify that by looking at the medical records? </p>
<p>Again, I am biased. I had a suicidal roommate Freshman year. I declare my biases upfront. My parents were clueless- you are not. It was an age before prozac and only “crazy people” saw psychiatrists. However- a few dynamics have not changed-- RA’s are sometimes mature and capable people (but still undergrads) but are very often 20 year olds who are augmenting their work/study jobs with free room and board. You are allowing your son to rely on the advice and counsel of a 20 year old? How many clinical hours has the RA fulfilled before assessing whether the RM presents a danger to himself or others?</p>
<p>I think if you heard about this situation from a professional colleague of yours, you would be reacting the way most of us are. I realize that one can loose objectivity when it’s one’s own kid. But think hard- if in fact, the RM is severely depressed, or suicidal, or just starts to cut himself or engage in other self-destructive behaviors… or even just spends the next three weeks sleeping all day and talking to your son all night… is this something your son can handle?</p>
<p>And is this fair to the other kid- who may or may not be following up appropriately with his appointments, medication, etc.?</p>
<p>Haven’t you ever had a patient who was non-compliant?</p>
<p>Ugh, my H had a narcissistic friend who would come over and talk for hours about his girlfriend problems. I felt like I was being held hostage. Then he would finally go, after revealing that his car had been double parked the whole time, in the bright August sun, with his girlfriend’s cat inside! Oh, and he had to leave the cat with us since he was going to work. Knowing that we had cat allergies! Hopefully that girlfriend got far, far, away.</p>
<p>Eventually, I cut off all contact with him. He’s the only person I’ve ever done that with. I suggest the OP’s son do the same. After he changes rooms, he needs to change his phone number and skype id too, just to be sure. If he has “wisp of Aspie” it may make him vulnerable to this type of predation. Have him take it all off himself by “blaming” it on you, or the university. For example, “I’m sorry, but my father insisted I stop skyping my friends so I can concentrate on studying”, etc., etc., over and over…</p>
<p>Remind your son that he owes nothing to his roommate. They were a random assignment just a few months ago and will go their separate ways. Better sooner than later- your son doesn’t realize what life is like without this RM. He will realize the difference when RM is no longer part of his life. Someone mentioned how their son was considered the best match for a problem student- it is not that son nor this one’s job/obligation to take on the burden instead of any other student. These sons have the same right to a normal dorm life as the rest of the students. </p>
<p>Contact the RA’s boss- the school won’t let RA’s cope without backup.</p>
<p>I feel your pain. We found out from DD’s roommate’s mom the night we were moving the girls in that her DD was taking medication for an anxiety disorder. Roommates mom was intense and frantic about getting everything unpacked and put away so that her DD didn’t have an anxiety attack. They also insisted on putting black out curtains on the window. Other than that, the girl seemed nice enough.</p>
<p>Fast forward a few weeks later and my DD was calling me in tears. Her roommate slept until late in the afternoon (skipped classes frequently), got angry with my DD if she turned on a light to study when she came back from classes, and kept the room so dark it was like a cave. She was also a complete slob, beyond that of a typical teen. She would throw used tissues, candy wrappers, you name it, on the floor instead of in the trash can, and, she started littering my DD’s desk and her side of the room. She also chain locked the door and wouldn’t wake up to let DD in numerous times.</p>
<p>By the end of the first semester my DD was depressed and angry. Her grades suffered because of the awful situation she was living in. </p>
<p>She moved into a new room with a lovely new roommate for her second semester. She’s very happy living in a bright, clean, and cheerful environment. Her grades are excellent so far, and she is back to the happy girl she’s always been.</p>
<p>Tell your son to get out of that situation now. It will take its toll on him one way or another. It’s not healthy and he shouldn’t have to deal with his roommate’s issues.</p>
<ol>
<li>All promises of confidentiality are null when the subject of suicide arises. State this as one of the laws of the universe.</li>
<li>RM is impaired and does not know what is best for himself.</li>
<li>It is DS’s responsibility to report the full situation to the Dean</li>
<li>If he won’t/cannot do so within the next 24 hours, you will do it.</li>
</ol>
<p>Mafool summarized it pretty well. If your son is reluctant to go to the Dean himself, you should fax a letter to the Dean emphasizing what you have been told about the suicide threats,… A faxed document becomes part of a paper trail, and ought to convince the school that some action is necessary on their part. </p>
<p>I cannot imagine the drama getting any milder as the semester progresses and intensifies. RM needs more help – and who only knows what RM is telling his therapist.</p>
<p>As a student, I agree with those saying that you might want to consider getting involved if S isn’t willing to go to the dean himself. I mean, he lives with this person, he has no refuge from this manipulator. He has no sanctuary to rest his mind and be in peace, he is constantly under the weight this guy is putting on him. This is far above and beyond normal roommate conflicts, and while normally I would feel weird about a parent stepping in, this is an exception.</p>
<p>Just saw this thread. Honestly if I had a child dealing with this RM who threatened suicide, I would tell my kid to bypass the RA and pick up the phone and call 911 the next time a suicide threat is voiced. That would get all the wheels turning and the OP’s child would have done exactly what is warranted. Dean and RM’s parents would be involved and there would be a solution for DS even if it meant a new room.</p>
<p>Agree with many others…get him out of this situation! How does anyone know whether this student will harm himself; much less others on campus? He could have a mental break and be a threat to many. And, if the school is aware of his condition, how in the world can they justify his existence on campus given the climates of many campuses and mental health issues of students over the past few years?? As a parent, I would do whatever it took to get my child out of this situation and especially given the tuition costs–if it is a Top 20 school, I am sure you are paying a pretty penny. Safety is paramount at all costs!</p>
<p>On cellphone so will be brief. I believe the threats are indirect along the lines of “If I didn’t have your support, I might have killed myself”. Will reply fuller when I get to a computer.</p>
<p>Any thoughts on why DSs counselor didn’t do more about RM?</p>
<p>I feel strongly that RM is no danger to anyone other than potentially himself. He is a bright, nice kid that has found a gulible clueless ear in DS and is taking full advantage by keeping him reeled in.</p>