<p>My DS has decided he does not want to continue college. He was attending a LAC college on the east coast, we live in NW. S received very nice financial package and I paid the rest of fall semester with the caveat that his money $4k would go toward second semester.</p>
<p>Last Thanksgiving he blew us out of the water by saying he wanted to transfer closer to home and go to an in State U. I listened to his arguments, told him to discuss with his LAC advisor (who was also one of his favorite professors) and we would talk aout it over Xmas break. </p>
<p>At that time he re-emphasized that he would not go back east but would attend the state u, I said ok he could apply for spring quarter and still be in college this spring ( the state U also accepted all his AA degree credits from his running start program which the LAC would not)</p>
<p>Now it is Feb 11th, he's been accepted but we haven't heard about any fin aid yet, but he does not want to go to school at all. I told him that now that he is 19, if he does not want to go to school then he would have to start paying room and board. He wants the $4k to travel this summer with a friend. </p>
<p>I told him since he hadn't put any "skin" in the game for school yet that I would not let him have the whole $4k as I felt like he wasn't holding up his end of our deal for the first year of college. I told him I would keep half for me, but the more I think about it I would rather just hang on to the entire amount so it's available should he in fact decide he wants to go to school in the future. Am I being too harsh?</p>
<p>I would try to find out exactly why he doesn’t want to continue college. Is he depressed? Homesick? Doesn’t know what to major in? It sounds like that particular college might be part of the issue, since initially he wanted to transfer to a state U. How are his grades? They might indicate if he is having a hard time academically.</p>
<p>Personally, I would not be financing vacation trips for any amount. </p>
<p>Sorry you and your son are going through this, but I promise the rough road will smooth out eventually.</p>
<p>Edit: Oops, I didn’t see that it was HIS money. Well . . . I would decide what to charge him for monthly rent when he got home and then take out a lump sum based on X number of months. (As many as you think it will take before he can find a job.)</p>
<p>If it’s really his $4K he can do with it what he wants. </p>
<p>It’s your house. You can do with it what you want. </p>
<p>I don’t know the nature of your relationship. </p>
<p>Here’s an idea:</p>
<p>Tell him the terms you are offering for room and board and that you’re giving him 30 more days of free room and board to give him time to find a job. Make him sign a lease with you. If he objects, you can start eviction proceedings which you can always call off later. Let him know which storage company you’re going to use for his stuff and how much it’s going to cost to redeem it.</p>
<p>Thanks “mom” Mike and Naturallly,
Academics are not the issue his “grades” are excelllent, he’s always been a top student and is an excellent writer. Part of it is homesickness and missing friends and another part is the school itself. </p>
<p>He does not mind working, infact I just talked to him and he said he has an interview with Safeway next Tuesday, so maybe if he gets a full time job he will appreciate going to school.</p>
<p>I guess my issue with the whole thing is that he had this great opportunity and did not take full advantage of it, but that is my hang up. He understands the consequences of his actions fortunately/unfortunately he likes DW and myself and is welcome to live at home but as I said before he will have to start paying.</p>
<p>I guess I’m lucky in that S is a great kid who I’ve never had problems with and now I’m feeling a bit like the job that I thought I was almost finished with has taken a turn that I wasn’t expecting.</p>
<p>I think the worry about the 4k is small potatoes here. What is plan B, if he wants to quit school? What are his ideas about work and his future? It seems like you two have a fairly contentious relationship at this point, and his lack of communication is probably a large part of the problem.
I think my first step would be having a long talk to find out what’s in his head. If he has a reasonable plan, then you can offer advice on what the 4K should go for, and talk about possible rent, insurance, and perhaps further training in what he thinks he wants to do with his life. To take his last dollars and travel around with his buddies, just to land on your doorstep next year with no plans and no money should be an obvious no go. </p>
<p>I see you’ve answered some of my questions. So he’s a responsible kid that is having some doubts about his path in life. Not so unusual.
I’d definitely let him live at home, work and pay rent. My bet is that it will lose it’s appeal in less than a year, and he’ll be heading back to school with a new appreciation, and maybe a new goal.</p>
Given that, if he doesn’t do a second semester, then it’s his money and IMO you should return it to him.</p>
<p>However, if he’s not going to school and since he’s 19, he should pay for all his own expenses including rent, food, medical insurance, car/gas/car insurance, entertainment, etc. Unless he has some income source this means he’ll need to get a job to pay for all this and that would likely exclude the ability to go on his vacation. He needs to have the reality hit home and have the light bulb go on. Wait until he sees how far a job at Safeway will take him if he’s faced with paying for his actual expenses.</p>
<p>Really, you need to understand what the real issue is of why he doesn’t want to continue with college. Discuss with him the possibility of going to college closer to home if that’s what he wants to do (it should be his choice), getting a part time job so he can build up some savings, and he can fund his own vacation this summer, which would be educational in itself.</p>
<p>moonchild- not a contentious relationship at all. In fact he likes us too much! When I was 19 I hated my Dad and couldn’t wait to go away to college. DS on the other hand likes home, so doesn’t mind staying. He has some evanescent plans at his point-- talks of finding a permaculture living situation. He is very idealistic and counterculture, but of course I can only give him the “real world” speech so many times. I think he’s just going to have go through this and I have to be there on the sidelines for him.</p>
<p>I see- I misread the tone in your first post, sorry.
It’s great he feels happy to be at home- but he should definitely contribute in some way to the household. And he really needs insurance- and I wouldn’t pick up that tab unless he’s doing everything he can monetarily and really doesn’t have the funds.
Sounds like he just needs some more time to grow up and figure out who he wants to be.</p>
<p>What’s a “permaculture living situation??” lol.</p>
<p>And I agree with the others, that the 4k is his- if it indeed was his to begin with.</p>
<p>I think you are being exceedingly reasonable in asking for him to pay for his own upkeep. It is fine that he is not ready for college, but that means he has to be ready to work and contribute instead. Whether or not the money is his, as in, he earned it, he pedged it to you for school. You already paid and he needs to pay you back. At the very least, even if you do not hold him to this pledge, he should work for a while and earn some money to pay you back BEFORE he heads off on a carefree voyage. No not unreasonable at all.</p>
<p>I am going to ask… from where did his 4k come from? I would offer to invest this money on his behalf for a minimum of six months UNLESS he came up with a concrete travel plan that you felt warranted the expenditure. There are some merits to the travel, especially if you want to see the real world vs just hearing about it. This, of course, is not best viewed at a resort. :)</p>
<p>I think the job is definitely a requirement, but at the same time, be very reasonable with the rent. My H has an employee that really needed to save up his cash to even THINK of getting his own place with first and last months rent PLUS a security deposit. So I just think being fair and yet still very much family is important.</p>
<p>However, I will bet you that a kid who typically excels at school is going to want to be back at it in the fall so I feel this whole situation is very temporary. Job, travel, etc. Essentially, it’s a gap year thats beginning mid year. Even though he is academically very prepared for college, he just doesn’t seem ready to know what he wants to do for the rest of his life. It’s amazing how fast people start asking you what your major is or what do you want to do for the rest of your life. Take it from someone who really didn’t know and felt I was wasting my father’s money in not feeling passionate about any of it.</p>
<p>He wants to travel; he wants to be close to the family.
Sounds to me that he is the ideal candidate for a gap year. If that had been the scenario, would we all be saying that he needs to begin to earn his own living or would we have suggested all sorts of ways for him to spend a year becoming more mature–including traveling?
I don’t think it has to be either college now or never, even if, right now, he may feel this way. So I would suggest finding ways for him to not foreclose the possibility of returning to his college or another. It may take the form of working at a really boring dead-end job, or traveling–as long as it’s not vegetating at home.
cross-posted with modadunn</p>
<p>Is there a good college near enough to home that he could still live at home and go to school? My younger sister was never ready to leave home during undergrad, but she got an excellent education and moved out after she got her first job. She was just an introvert and an engineering major and she liked living at home better. She’s now married with 3 kids and an excellent job and a ton of friends. So, sometimes it’s just that they aren’t ready to leave home even though the culture says its time.</p>
I would be. If he’s 19 and has decided not to go to college then he ought to work to support his own expenses. I think traveling within practical financial limits is fine too and might help him. I don’t think he should do what many who decide to quit college do - lounge around and grub off of the parents and only spend any money they have or earn on luxuries for themselves.</p>
<p>Maybe this is just cultural, but I find this whole discussion very strange. If my freshman child wanted to quit school, my priority (after finding out the health insurance implications) would be to discuss the reasons and and how he envisions his future. The money aspect would be the farthest thing from my mind, and I would never consider charging my own kids rent. </p>
<p>It does sound like he would benefit from a gap year or more. But if a strong student suddenly loses interest in school, I would want to get to the bottom of it and strategize with him about possible future plans rather than focusing on the finances. Sorry if I’ve misunderstood – the description seems vague to me, but since it sounds like you’re close, maybe you do understand his motivation and just have not posted the details here.</p>
<p>"
I told him since he hadn’t put any “skin” in the game for school yet that I would not let him have the whole $4k as I felt like he wasn’t holding up his end of our deal for the first year of college. I told him I would keep half for me, but the more I think about it I would rather just hang on to the entire amount so it’s available should he in fact decide he wants to go to school in the future. Am I being too harsh?"</p>
<p>No, you are right. You were willing to pay for his college education. That was the deal.</p>
<p>If he wants to travel, etc., he needs to get a job and pay for himself to do those things. If he’s living at home and not in college, he also needs to be paying for his room and board and following house rules, and then he he can use any excess to pay for his travel.</p>
<p>Saying this from my experience as the mom of 2 sons. Younger S took a gap year after h.s. working for Americorps and living at home. We had him pay rent, pay for gas for the car, and follow house rules – including chores – for adults living at home.</p>
<p>Older S dropped out of college and lived with SIL, a childless middle-aged woman who against H and my advice let him stay their rent free. He had a great time partying until SIL retired and moved away and S learned then what kind of horrible living quarters one has to stay in if one doesn’t have a job. Since he learned that lesson, he has been employed by a corporation and has had several promotions while supporting himself.</p>