Son not mature enough to go to college?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi all,
I will try to give you the background info you need in order to give me some advice. I'm worried my son is not mature enough to handle going "away" to a big university. I put "away" in quotes because his first choice school is only about 45 minutes from where we live. Here's the info:</p>

<p>He's a GREAT kid and has done well, but he rarely has to work hard to make good grades and has developed some really bad work habits (waiting until the last minute, not being super organized, not managing his time well). He lettered in 3 sports and played football all 4 years. He also attended Boys State last summer and was chosen as most outstanding mayor for the state. </p>

<p>Here's the college info: </p>

<p>1.) Accepted and received full tuition + some extra $$ scholarship to University of Alabama College of Engineering (6 hr drive from home). Scored 31 on ACT with a lot of prompted study time with me. Still have to pay room and board. </p>

<p>2.) Accepted to University of Georgia and that's his first choice by a long shot. That's the one 45 minutes from home. They are super stingy with scholarship $$, so none from them. He will get the HOPE scholarship but that won't pay full tuition. Still have to pay room and board. UA and UGA will be close to the same out of pocket $$ for us. </p>

<p>3.) Also accepted to Kennesaw State about an hour from home. He REALLY doesn't want to go there, but the price is right. </p>

<p>All that being said, this isn't all about the money. We (his father and I are divorced) can handle the money, thank goodness! Our concern is this: he is currently a senior in a high school that isn't that tough. He got a bad case of senioritis and skipped some classes. We grounded him - no car, no phone - for a month. During that time, we discovered that he had some self-image issues that were pretty serious and we immediately got him into counseling. He's responding really well to that. </p>

<p>One day before his grounding was up, we found out he just didn't turn in an important AP calculus math assignment. Due to that and several other assignments throughout the semester that he "just didn't turn in", his grade in that class is now a 68. His other grades - in the "gimme" classes (work-based learning, world literature, and office aid) are all 100's. So it appears that as long as he doesn't have to work too hard, he does fine. We' re worried that without us there (at college) checking his grades and assignments like we've been doing most of his life, he will just not rise to the occasion and get things done that we know he's capable of doing. Especially given all the temptations of cool college things to do that are NOT related to academics. </p>

<p>I'm not as worried about the money aspect of it as his dad is. I know that kids have to go out on their own and succeed or fail independently and I'm OK with that. If he decides to go to UGA (which he's pretty adamant about right now), and loses the HOPE scholarship, he will have to come home - we can't afford it without the HOPE and we've been very clear about that. Yes, we stand to lose a few thousand dollars, and that's significant, but it's about more than just the money. </p>

<p>I tried to make this short and sweet, but obviously that's not possible - sorry for the long post!</p>

<p>Any advice/guidance/suggestions you can give a worried parent would be great!</p>

2

<p>We’re actually considering NOT letting him go to UGA or UA and spend another year at home going to community college so he can develop better work habits independently - he will have to “prove” he’s ready to go away. But that just feels like we are punishing him for not being perfect. I am truly stuck. </p>

3

<p>If UGA is 45 minutes away, is there any possibility of having him live home and commute for the first semester or two so it will be a more gentle transition if you think he would benefit from more support for a while? Then if he seems to be swimming ok, he can move onto campus for the remainder. That would save you some room and board $ too.</p>

4

<p>1) With that 68, he well may get a “D” and face a battery of college offer recissions. You might want to look at that. Frankly, have a talk w/DS that he may have no options for Sept.</p>

<p>2) Clinically highlight that an objective observer would say his trajectory isn’t bound for success. If he happens to have a place to attend in Sept, you need to tell him it’s conditional on his maintaining a certain GPA (I suggest 2.8 or 3.0). You can offer to work alongside him to set up milestones if he requests accountability from your and DH. But otherwise, tell him it’ll be completely his success or completely his failure.</p>

<p>Ask him to look up the % of freshmen that do not return for sophomore year; ask him what he thinks are characteristics of those students.</p>

<p>Ask him if he sincerely wants to do this. He might not and be too embarrassed/afraid to tell you so. Is he sabotaging himself? Don’t demand a quick reply. Ask him to consider this basic question and come back to you after some meditation. Or is his impetuousness really this severe?</p>

<p>Good luck. My well wishes go out to your family</p>

5

<p>Knightdawg, I feel your pain. It’s a tough decision. In a way, having him “fail” for the first time in high school is a better scenario than having it happen after he’s gone to college. Making bad decisions and learning from them is part of growing up, but the stakes are definitely higher once he goes to school. The transition was really hard for our son, but I’m not quite sure what I would have done differently. </p>

<p>How is he dealing with his calculus slip up? Can you step back and let him sink or swim on his own over the last couple of months of his senior year? That might give you an indication of how much support he’s going to need in college.</p>

<p>Will he have an “adult supervision” at school? Will he continue to see his counselor or, at least, a counselor? Is he playing sports in college? Staying in touch with his coach could help. </p>

6

<p>The short answer is that there’s really not a lot you can do, whether he’s 5 or 45 minutes away. Once he’s on campus, it is impossible for you to influence his decisions in a constructive way . (You can nag, threaten, etc. but he’s still the one there, and it’s detrimental to your relationship) T2’s suggestions for talking points are fine, but imho it’s usually pointless to set ultimatums and wave disaster in someone’s face. Sometimes, counterproductive.</p>

<p>Having had a son just like this, I can tell you that you aren’t imagining things or punishing him. He is likely to drown, and who wants to see that happen? You are being kind and realistic. You want him to succeed. I second the suggestion of commuting to UGA – he still gets the school he wants, with a little more “guardrail” as he acclimates. He will not like this idea at all. Let him choose between UGA commuting or CC, but do it with kindness. Buy him a good reliable car. And be honest with him-- you are worried he hasn’t been mature about his academics, and you want him to have success (not perfection!) in college, so as the investor you are going to require he commutes. No curfews, no strings, no checking the homework (although I advise getting a weekly look at whatever online class tracking system UGA uses, at first), no vetting the friends. He becomes an adult boarder. And a long commute cuts down on the fooling around time!</p>

<p>He has plenty of wonderful qualities, as I’m sure you know. And I think that this time of year, parents everywhere prepare to launch and have many, many, many worries about what they imagine they haven’t done right, or taught enough, or forgot to emphasize! Remember life is not all about school :)</p>

7

<p>Hoo boy! As the mother of two teenage boys, I am sympathetic. One minute they seem so capable, the next, not so much. It looks like your son could go either way. He has a track record of success when guided, but he is restless and looking for trouble right now. </p>

<p>I like the idea of a commuting year/semester in which he proves himself. No way to persuade him to take a year off and grow up a little? Get it out of his system? Could he get a job now after school? Give him something different to do and keep him busy? I have sent that work with some seniors. They are tired of high school and want a taste of something grown up.</p>

8

<p>My academically lazy B- average S went off to directional state u. We were pretty apprehensive but decided to give him a try. Our local CC is not great. We didn’t see him being successful there. So off he went. </p>

<p>The first semester was dismal. He was dealing w/ emotional issues ( his two best friends killed in a wreck one month before S left for college. S was following them down the road and witnessed the whole thing). He wanted to go to college/get away fr. our town. He seemed relieved to go off to a new start. Turns out he was really depressed but was very expert in hiding it from us. He finished his first sem, with a .80 gpa (academic probation).
After much discussion, we sent him back for the spring semester. He really liked his univ. and wanted to return. We decided after all he had been through he deserved a second chance. </p>

<p>He retook the failed classes fr. the previous sem. for grade replacements. Managed a 2.5 that sem. and got off Probation. From there on out, his gpa went up every semester. He graduated in 4 years. His final semester he made a 3.75!<br>
We were so glad we gave him a chance to prove himself after that awful first semester. It did worlds of good for his self-esteem and he is so proud to be an alum of his univ, Letting him go back after failing was the best thing we could have done for him. Moral of the story…don’t give up even if it starts out rough.</p>

9

<p>I think rather than have him commute from the beginning, I would take it a semester at a time. Tell him he can board, but if his grades aren’t up to par (which you all can agree on beforehand) then he does come home and commute to classes. I think it might be harder to integrate fully and do his best if he doesn’t start out boarding like the majority of other students.<br>
The other condition would be to get a summer job, full-time, or as many hours as he can get, for the summer after graduation. Let him use the his earnings for his spending money the first year of college. </p>

10

<p>One problem I see for him is that apparently he wants to be an engineering major, which is tough and doesn’t have lot of leeway for messing up because there are so many requirements. Even if he “succeeds” and doesn’t get end up on academic probation or having to come home, he may end up washing out engineering as a major due to the difficulty.</p>

<p>All that said, I am guessing from what you said that he has the basic horsepower to attend and graduate from either UGA or UA. And for many kids, they can pull it out when they have to. I have one like that who (and I know it will sound strange out here) did the minimum she had to do to get into a top college. Honestly, she knew where the bar was, and performed barely above it. She had excellent admissions results and ended up at a very, very academically challenging college. And now that she is there, I definitely see signs of growth in key areas like organization. Her grades aren’t terrific, but she is doing what she has to do.</p>

<p>One thing to consider is to ask him not to pledge a fraternity if he has any interest in that direction. Or make him wait until sophomore year and achieving a certain GPA before doing so. It is time consuming and distracting, and if you are already worried about his focus, best to be avoided freshman year.</p>

<p>I agree with the summer job idea, too. My kid night stocked at Walmart the summer after senior year. It was eye opening for her – “real world work”, and it gave her some incentive on why she wants to do well in college. And also gave her money for college spending money and books (our kids’ responsibility at our house). Having him provide his own spending money gives him a little less “beer money”, too – I think they think harder about what they spend their own money on, which probably isn’t a bad thing if you are worried about whether he is going to be responsible. My kid is not working during the college school year right now – she has work study, but is finding the academics too challenging to add a job in, and she saved enough money from her summer work that she does not have to. I think he might also want to skip a campus job his first year if possible while settling in academically.</p>

<p>But fundamentally I say let him go. It is like watching them ride a bike for the first time – you have been running alongside holding them up, but at some point you let go and they wobble away. You hold your breath and cheer them on. College in itself is an experience that will help him mature, so I say let him go to UGA.</p>

11

<p>Packmom’s story is the exception, not the rule, at least based on my experience as someone who works with college freshman. A few kids with GPAs that low do pull it out. Most do not. </p>

<p>It is easier to connect with the campus if a student lives on; it is also very distracting. I think commuting one semester with the offer to live on if he earns a B- average (2.67) is the option I’d take. </p>

12

<p>I second the thought of having him work this summer. Experiencing a manual labor or minimum wage job might inspire him.</p>

<p>The real possibility of colleges rescinding their offers is the “Major Crisis” here. Not sure how to “make” a child “get” that. It might take reading the letter/email from a college telling him he can’t attend to make it real for him.</p>

<p>The reality is that you can’t make him do anything, and at this point he may not be influenced by your encouragement to finish strong academically.</p>

<p>You can, however, make parental decisions on how you spend your money. I have no advice on what to do. But decide and hold firm even if there is pleading and whining. </p>

<p>If I was allowing my child to go to college in this situation, I might be leaning towards UGA. It is still in-state, and easier for son to come home for a weekend if he needs to, or to ask you to come share a meal with him to encourage him.</p>

<p>UGA does have a 4 week Summer College Freshman Program for incoming freshmen. It is expensive, but might help with the adjustment period. Students take 2 classes, one academic, one “life skills” and receive academic credit. It’s something to consider.</p>

<p>Good luck to you as you figure out the best path for your son. Parenting does not have an expiration date!</p>

13

<p>Will there be on campus housing available at UGA for the second semester? </p>

<p>I would let him go and live on campus. Give him a bottom line academic expectation…b- GPA with NO D or F grades to continue to do so. And then stick to your deal. If the GPA is lower, then he moves home.</p>

<p>I will say, I’m not sure what living at home is going to do to change the situation. He lives at home NOW, and still does not always follow through. Why do you think living at home in college will be different.</p>

<p>Yes, you helped him study for the SAT, but HE took the test. </p>

<p>Some kids actually do better in college than in high school largely because they have more say in the courses they are taking.</p>

14

<p>I would second two excellent suggestions here—have him get a summer job and say “no” to pledging a fraternity until at least sophomore year. </p>

15

<p>I was very concerned when my older son went to college because he just seemed “not ready” to go away. He often needed to be woken up for high school, slept thru alarms, wasn’t that great about doing chores without being REMINDED!! But off he went. He grew up in college, got straight A’s, etc. </p>

<p>I agree with no for frats til soph.</p>

16

<p>Stop pushing him, reminding him, enabling him. Senioritis? Let hiim fix it. I made it clear to my kids that I wouldn’t sign excuse notes for them for missing tests, skipping school, etc. and they don’t skip. All their friends do, but mine don’t (one can’t because of sports, one just doesn’t). What it’s taught them is that those who skip aren’t really having all that much fun.</p>

<p>Show him that not turning in assignments makes his grades fall, and then the GPA. You’d think if he’s in calculus he’d know that, but they honestly don’t. They don’t think getting a D is ‘that bad’ but it is. Show him with numbers.</p>

<p>My daughter is just an average student, but a total airhead. Having a job has really helped her this year as she can’t leave everything to the last minute since she has to work on Tuesdays, someone might ask her to cover a shift, she wants to go to a movie or participate in a school project. Sure there has been slippage, but she’s taking more responsibility for her things.</p>

17

<p>I agree with the thought that not living on campus may affect his ability to integrate. Students make friends that first semester. Unless it is a commuter school, in which case he could do fine living at home. If he is 45 minutes away, you are pretty available.</p>

<p>Is there any chance he would qualify for certain supports at UGA? Does he have ADHD, anxiety or depression? Those missing assignments don’t tell me he is lazy. They would seem to indicate something else going on that is deeper. I would not be punitive but kind. (Honestly, I have never found that grounding works!) It sounds like he is exploring the cause with a therapist, which is great. Has he done a questionnaire for ADHD, or has he ever been evaluated? oOr perhaps the problems are emotional, related to leaving home. Al lot of kids sabotage the leavetaking.</p>

<p>He may not want to register with the disabilities office (which he could do, and get accommodations, if any of those issues are documented), but chances are, there are resources of some kind that can be investigated so that the “training wheel” situation transfers from parents to someone else on campus. That means more independence without, at first, losing the support or even monitoring. </p>

<p>You can also hire a coach (they are available both in person and online) for the first semester or two. Time management, monitoring of assignents, that kind of thing. The main point being, a transition from parental support to a non-parent, whether affiliated with the school or not. You could avoid nagging and worry and have a nice relationship while he is in the process of leaving…</p>

<p>I would try to show confidence and trust in him and let him go. Not so sure about the engineering though…Is he talking to the therapist about his goals? He can go in undecided but it is true that if he wants to do engineering, he has to start early, and a lot of kids are weeded out.</p>

<p>Good luck. A lot of us have been there and things really do work out, even when there seem to be irrevocable disasters. Whatever happens will mean progress for him.</p>

18

<p>My own take is to tell him your concerns, listen to him say why he should live on campus, explain the consequences financially if he loses his scholarship, then let him convince you to live at campus ‘just one semester’ or one quarter. If he doesn’t get a 3.0 average he comes home and commutes. (None of this 2.67 for me, that is a weird number and Bs are a normal parental expectation.) The kicker here is what do you have to sign on his housing contract? I’d be tempted to say it and assume I can get out of it if he leaves campus, but there might be a financial penalty there. The point is about his grades, not his housing costs, however. I think he will not want to go home after living on campus and if you remind him of this, say the week before midterms and well before finals, he will try to make it work. He DID make the grades all years but senior when he was ‘sure it didn’t count’, didn’t he?</p>

<p>I tend to agree with the no frat first year bit but don’t know his conviction for that. It can be an incentive to STAY in something you like, as well. My Dad told me if I joined a house I had to keep a B average to stay in, and I did. It was just a matter of pride, and he might have bent on it, but I eventually decided to go to law school, and this turned out to be a real blessing. If I hadn’t had ANY grade target, who knows if I wouldn’t have decided a ‘gentleman’s C’ average was good enough? </p>

<p>However, the self image issue is different. I can’t speak to that if you are hearing warning signs of some sort. </p>

19

<p>I just came across something in my deceased brother’s files last week… he pledged a frat freshman year, and missed the drop deadline for a class during pledging. Had to take an “F” – he appealed (all the letters regarding it are in his file), but “busy with pledging” did not cut it with the decision committee. Let the OP’s son pledge sophomore year if he wants to, but don’t add it to the freshman “figuring stuff out” phase.</p>

20

<p>When it comes to rushing, it is not as simple as saying why don’t you wait until next year when you are better adjusted. With a lot of schools, it is either do it when most people rush or never. At my kid’s schools it is the spring of freshman year. If you don’t pledge at that time then it would be hard to get into a house of choice.</p>

<p>With D1, we had an agreement with her, 1) for us to pay for her college she had to maintain 3.0 or she could transfer back to our instate public, 2) to live at her sorority house, she had to maintain 3.5 or we would move her out right away. D1 knew they weren’t idle threats. </p>

<p>OP should have a discussion with her son about what they expect of him. Have him sign a contract if necessary, but just be prepared to carry out the consequences.</p>