<p>
Very well-stated! This is it in a nutshell!</p>
<p>
You can’t predict, but most of us can predict that he will stop paying his loans…</p>
<p>Since the car title is in OPs name, why can’t she just go and get it? I assume she has the title paperwork. With the VIN #, you can get a new key made if she doesn’t have a spare. Just go and take it, and then afterward let S know (so HE doesn’t report it stolen). The actual owners aren’t “stealing” it. The computer I would forget about. That seems petty, even if S was pulling a fast one on them. Agree that it’s a bad idea for parents to report the car stolen.</p>
<p>And in reality many parents also pay off the cosigned loans although their kids graduate, have good jobs, make good money. They also offer to put down payment to buy the first houses. Not in the financial difficulty of the OP though.</p>
<p>These parents sound like they are struggling financially though.</p>
<p>If I had the money I would love to help my kids pay off their federal loans. (Unless some unexpected money drops in my lap it probably won’t happen). But choosing to help pay the loans is a different from being forced into doing it.</p>
<p>I don’t think the boy intentionally forced the parents to pay. What can he do now?
Stupid boy but not much he can do. He only sees the romantic woman he loves.</p>
<p>Can you have someone repossess the car rather than report it stolen? If it is your car, get it back without making him a criminal. But stand your ground. And stand firm about the loans. If the bills come to you, forward them to him. Do not start to pay them for him until you have no other choice. If your credit is a bit challenged by your husband being out of work, wait until the last possible moment to be making payments for him. Call his bluff. </p>
<p>This girl is powerful. Lets see if she can support him as well.</p>
<p>Trouble with that plan is that the first time a late payment is made the OPs credit rating is affected, even if they don’t know it has been missed.</p>
<p>
You said it before I could…sounds reasonable to me. Make a road trip to his apartment/work and bring it home. Sell it quick and put the money towards what you will owe. Discussion over.</p>
<p>But, ladies and gentlemen, ease up on this GF…we have ABSOLUTELY no idea what the situation is or has been with her. She may be a perfectly nice young woman. Nice people make mistakes all the time. And there’s no reason to assume the son is thinking with his “privates” and no other reason. The belligerent and irresponsible way he is acting (unless this is his normal character…but it doesn’t seem so, or OP wouldn’t be asking what to do) suggests that there is something going on beyond the need for sex. He is in need of whatever it is she can provide, and it means enough to him to defy his parents, and all reasonable logic. That should be the issue…what’s eating Gilbert Grape?</p>
<p>IMHO the conjecture on this thread is getting out of hand, and to no real purpose in helping the OP. Yikes!</p>
<p>In the old days, women left college all the time to be with (well, in the old days, marry) slightly older men with degrees and a future. Nobody bat an eye, and the man, in those cases, was not demonized the way this girlfriend is in this thread. Maybe the legacy of the 60’s is that a guy has an equal right to drop out and be supported while he takes care of the house.</p>
<p>Sorry folks, this is a little facetious, and maybe less a comment on the current question and more of a comment on the past, honestly, but still, I’ll bet a lot of people would react differently if a young woman was substituted for the son, and the girlfriend was, instead, a young investment banker in the suburbs with a good income.</p>
<p>Also, some people who drop out at this stage end up getting some good career experience, then return more motivated, and finish school. Or some get some good career experience and never return to school because they don’t need to.</p>
<p>The problem here really boils down to money obligations. Perhaps the son could eventually pay the parents back for whatever money is lost when he leaves school. I would not automatically assume that this is a lost cause without the degree.</p>
<p>If he goes through with this plan, I would change my will to reflect the money it costs you. I would deduct that amount from his inheritance, or give an equal amount to siblings who do not act in this manner. </p>
<p>Oh, and getting a key for a car knowing the vin# is not as easy as it sounds. So many of the newer cars have chips in the keys, so it is difficult without having the car in your possession. My cousin is in the process of getting a car back that she bought for a step daughter-in-law. The SDIL has not made the payments she promised, so my cousin has to get the car back. They will have to tow the car to a dealer who can then get the key done.</p>
<p>
I would react the same if it were my daughter quitting just a couple of semesters shy of graduation. I would hope both she and her significant other would be mature enough to see the benefit of finishing school and be willing to wait a year to be together.</p>
<p>But as for judging the girlfriend, I agree that is pointless. The one who owes some respect to the parents and the sacrifices they have made to send him to school is the son.</p>
<p>Here are my serious thoughts. I would tell the boy the following:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If you decide to build a family with your GF then I wish you best luck although I am not happy with the fact that you dropped out of college.</p></li>
<li><p>You can take my car as a gift. Arrange time with me so that I can transfer the title.</p></li>
<li><p>Be a man. Find a job to support your family. Raise your kids.</p></li>
<li><p>You still have the responsibity for the loans. You have to pay me back when you can.</p></li>
<li><p>Let me know when you are in trouble.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I tend to agree that things like reporting the car stolen are not going to be of value, nor would taking back the computer.</p>
<p>I have a question, do you know the GF? And more importantly, do you have any kind of relationship with her? The reason I ask is because does she know the whole score? Does she realize that the son has loans he will be responsible for paying, that will come out of the household budget? And that those loans are co signed? I wouldn’t be surprised if the GF didn’t know those facts…now obviously this wouldn’t sit very well with your son, but it may be better to talk to the GF to make sure she knows (e-mail would be okay IMO, phone better) what is going on. For all she knows, he is leaving school with his parents blessing, there a no loose ends and so forth. </p>
<p>If I spoke to her (if I decided that was an option; on the other hand, if she is negative, well wouldn’t waste the time) I wouldn’t make a big show or god forbid blame her, as some parents might do. I would simply say something like “S has told us what he is planning to do, and while we feel that leaving school is a mistake at this point, he is an adult and has to choose his own path.The reason I am speaking to you is I want to make sure that you know the details, that now that he has left school he has X thousands of student loans that were cosigned for and they will cost X a month, and you should know that, especially since you are starting a business and money will probably be tight, assuming S gets a decent job”…or something to that level. Not adversarial, not blaming her, plus also let her know (if you so decide) that the car is in your name and you will transfer it to son, but that that is going to cost money for insurance. It is an option, and it probably is a lot more rational then trying to fight with your son, what I sense with him is he is bound and determined to ‘do it on his own’, which is fine, but the GF also has a right to know tangible facts that she will be responsible for if they are living together, if she knows already, well, then you have done what you can. I also wouldn’t be surprised to be honest if this is something he decided to do, and GF doesn’t know (wouldn’t be the first time). If she has a masters in business, I would hope she realizes how hard it is to get a business off the ground and make money at it, and that the situation with your S doesn’t make that any easier (I am wondering if your S feels like he won’t need to get a job, that he would work with GF building the business, assuming like too many young people that it is likely they will soon be on easy street, which mostly isn’t the case)</p>
<p>In terms of your relationship with your son, while I think it is important to keep the door open and that it is wise not to break off totally, or go over the top, you also can’t be blackmailed by the threat of your son getting displeased and running away,while it is nice to think of S eventually having a family and kids and so forth, there has to be boundaries there. If he wants to leave school, that is his right quite frankly, and I think breaking a relationship over that, or the way he has dealt with you, isn’t worth it. That said, though, the loans are something that does effect you, and getting saddled with those loans given your already tight financial situation is unfair to the rest of the family besides yourself, and he has to be made to accept that, and in that you need to protect yourself. Likewise, with the car (if you are willing and can afford it) you could tell him “You can keep the car, I’ll sign it over to you, and when I do that I want the plates in return, and I am going to cancel the insurance as well, so you will need to get insurance and register it. If you are not willing to do that, I will need to take the car back,because it is in my name and besides the cost of the insurance, I don’t want the liability with you away from school”. That is only fair, if he is going to ‘be a man’, then he needs to care care of things like an adult. It is one thing to be at school, it is another to be out there on your own and if he wants it both ways, you can’t back down because you are afraid he will get made or cut you off. </p>
<p>Plus like others, it is likely things won’t work out the way he thought, and there will likely be rapproachment if you have left the door open. Yep, kids have the right to make their own mistakes, I made more then a few myself, but they need to learn to deal with those mistakes, their choices, and they can’t be allowed to use emotional blackmail of ‘I’ll never talk to you again’ to get their way, because then the parent ends up the victim. Plus speaking as a child who had a strained relationship with my family, things rarely are forever,anger cools, hurts heal.</p>
<p>I think that since you co-signed on the loan that you are completely entitled to notify the lender that you need to be copied on all loan communications, and you ought to be able to get an account with the lender that lets you look at the loan balance and payments on-line if the lender generally offers that options to borrowers. That way, you can make payments as needed to keep your credit rating protected. </p>
<p>If you do not have the money to pay the loan, then I think that you need to talk with him about you selling the car and using the proceeds to either pay off the loan (if that’s possible) or as a fund that you manage to make loan payments as due while your son gets a job, gets housing, and gets going. In that case, selling the car isn’t punishment, it is what you need to do to protect your credit. If he ends up going back to school the loans can probably go into forbearance. </p>
<p>I’d give a pass on the computer, and not say a thing negative about the girlfriend. She might turn out to be a wonderful person, and you don’t need to pollute that water.</p>
<p>I am absolutely with musicprnt on this one. Talk to the GF on a non emotional level (if that is at all possible). Discuss the facts. Suggest that you possibly do not understand everything and could she explain from her point of view. Perhaps woman-to-woman you can explain the weight of the loans. She obviously values education. She should want the same for your son. You are not getting anywhere with your son. A frank discussion with the GF may give you better understanding and SHE may talk some sense into your son. Even if he takes no responsibility for the loans, his earning potential will be limited. The short term may be a net gain for your son’s GF, but the long term for him (and her) if he finishes his degree will far outweigh what she will get in financial assistance for a single year if he quits.</p>
<p>Above all I’d try to keep your emotions at bay with him. It’s obvious they are not of consideration to him right now. Stick to the facts. Let him know that this doesn’t have to be difficult, that he is completely in control of the situation. Tell him what actions you will take if he leaves school, including taking the car, etc., if that is your intention. You could also give him the option of purchasing the car at Bluebook value. Again, it’s his choice. Legally I don’t know what you can do about the loans. You have to treat him like a two year old, calming explaining the cause and effect of his actions. That’s what he’s acting like.</p>
<p>I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this. He may find some understanding soon, it may be years. You can’t control him. You can control your own actions. You can be a mom without being a doormat.</p>
<p>OP: Is there a college in GF’s city to which he could transfer and complete his degree, which would also enable him to defer repayment of the loans? It may not be your first choice for him, but it would be a means for him to stay in school.</p>
<p>*The car in my name he says he won’t give up, no he has not paid anything for it. He is moving out of state, I explained why he can’t take the car, he still plans to take it. Told him we will have to report it stolen, he still plans to take it, along with the very nice computer I recently purchased for him because his other one broke and he needed a new one for school. He suckered me right in, I had no idea he was planning to quit at the time. He says he plans to go back “someday” but right now what will make him the happiest is to move in with the girlfriend and of course he needs to be happy at whatever the cost to us. So thats where we are. *</p>
<p>Do you know where the car and computer are? Just go and get them. You can legally take them right now.</p>
<p>If he tries to leave with the car, immediately call the police. BTW…if he’s arrested, he really won’t be able to leave the state until that’s cleared.</p>
<p>he is apparently leaving his mom high and dry to pay the loans, knowing that his dad is out of work and she is the sole support of the family.</p>
<p>I think I’d strangle this kid if I could. He’s doing all this for sex.</p>
<p>*Here are my serious thoughts. I would tell the boy the following:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If you decide to build a family with your GF then I wish you best luck although I am not happy with the fact that you dropped out of college.</p></li>
<li><p>You can take my car as a gift. Arrange time with me so that I can transfer the title.</p></li>
<li><p>Be a man. Find a job to support your family. Raise your kids.</p></li>
<li><p>You still have the responsibity for the loans. You have to pay me back when you can.</p></li>
<li><p>Let me know when you are in trouble. *</p></li>
</ol>
<p>NO - Friggin’ - WAY!</p>
<p>This behavior does NOT call for a doormat response.</p>
<p>*Since the car title is in OPs name, why can’t she just go and get it? I assume she has the title paperwork. With the VIN #, you can get a new key made if she doesn’t have a spare. Just go and take it, *</p>
<p>I would totally do this. I wouldn’t even let my son know I was doing it.</p>
<p>*Why would a woman with an MA (and a 3 yr old) want a young guy with no degree–
Surely if she is as smart and together as claimed…she’d encourage the guy to finish his degree if its only a couple of semesters.</p>
<p>I smell a ■■■■■… *</p>
<p>I don’t smell a ■■■■■.</p>
<p>The GF may think he’s going to finish his degree at some point. She may have a hard time getting dates if she has a kid…not many young guys want a ready-made family. </p>
<p>Has the OP’s husband talked firmly with their son? Sometimes boys react differently from man to man talk.</p>
<p>Some seem overly concerned that these parents will “go too far” and sever their relationship with their son. I’m more concerned that if he totally ruins the family’s financial situation then THAT will sever the relationship. Few families can forgive that.</p>
<p>I’d definitely go and pick up my car if that was physically possible, or have someone in the business of repossessing cars go and get it. The computer is a different story. The OP says she bought it for her son, which to me sounds like it was a gift. Perhaps she made a mistake giving him a gift, but that’s done now.</p>