Son resents us for not pushing him harder

Parents Forum
1

<p>Our brilliant son is home for a few days for Thanksgiving and this issue has come up, not for the first time.</p>

<p>He is extremely bright/gifted and from a very early age showed a distinct interest and aptitude in a field that neither my husband or I have the slightest aptitude in. We always tried to encourage his interests and find opportunities for him during his childhood, though it was often difficult. We live in a state not known for having the greatest schools, and we chose to enroll him in charter schools which we felt were the best option.</p>

<p>He was a good student, though not straight A by any means and his SATs were excellent, though probably could have been better with more prep. During HS I did remind him that he would need to really apply himself and get top grades to get into a top school, but he wasn't really motivated by that, although he was always, always working on some project or other and learning about his current interests independently.</p>

<p>I helped him and coaxed him along with the college app process a great deal. He got into a pretty prestigious U and transitioned into college beautifully. He loves what he is studying. </p>

<p>He is now a college junior who works extremely hard, takes 21-22 credits per semester, and is involved on teams, has an on-campus research position, and last summer he got a high-paying internship at an extremely prestigious company.</p>

<p>So what's the problem? He is extemely critical of his father, me, his younger sister (who is pretty much his polar opposite), and the way we are raising her. He believes we did not push him hard enough and that he "wasted" most of his time in junior high and high school. </p>

<p>We love him and are so proud of him, but visits (and even talking to him when he is away) can be extremely stressful. At times I feel like it's all OK and that in time he will get past his resentment and forgive our imperfections. We did what we thought was best. Often, though, I feel really sad about this, and I certainly hope this won't continue into his adulthood.</p>

<p>Any advice or insights from those with similar experience?</p>

2

<p>So he is blaming you now for his not listening to you during high school when you told him to work hard? Does he often blame other people for his own shortcomings? </p>

<p>I’m sorry he is causing you & your husband so much pain. He sounds very self-absorbed.</p>

3

<p>My, this sounds familiar: I think a lot of college students struggle with separating from their parents and the way they do it is by becoming hyper-critical. Suddenly they are experts on child-rearing (lots to say about how it should have been done for them, their siblings, etc…). Your most innocent comments are (pick adjective of choice) sexist, classist, ageist, racist, politically naive or, my personal fave, insufficiently well thought out. And your habits, family rituals, choice of dress, favorite activities (feel free to add more here) are unbearably annoying. </p>

<p>Spouse and I try to remind each other that the sub-text here is “I love you but I need to define myself as an adult separate from you. My current strategy is to be as awkward as possible until I have the confidence to define myself in a more positive way. Please bear with me while I work through this unpleasant phase.” </p>

<p>What you don’t want to do is take all this criticism to heart. That isn’t to say some of it won’t be valid - we aren’t perfect people - and it’s fine to take him as seriously as he is hoping to be taken. But to assume it means anything about your relationship now or in the future is giving it too much validation. Just wait it out and know that it will pass.</p>

4

<p>M’s Mom said it very well. Each of my kids has gone through stages like this. As a parent who has tried to do my very best for them, it’s painful. I’ve tried to be fair, to explain my reasons for parental decisions, etc. It doesn’t matter. When a kid is going through this stage, all you can do is respond calmly and hope that it passes. With some of my kids this has been very temporary, and a few months later they were back to being great, appreciative people. One kid has always been a little snarky, and I get critical comments on everything from my Thanksgiving dinner preparations (not healthy enough), decorating and fashion choices (too old-fashioned), politics (not informed enough), money choices (don’t give her enough :wink: etc. People tell me it will pass. I don’t know…her eyes started rolling when she was 10, and they haven’t stopped yet LOL.</p>

<p>I’m laughing as I describe this, but it doesn’t always disappear. My sibling constantly criticized our parents. We had the same parents and same rules. My view of our childhood is that our parents did their absolute best and made many sacrifices for us. My sibling’s resentful assessment of our family is that our parents lacked understanding, failed to provide essentials such as private college educations without debt, and her life would have turned out much better if our parents had sent her to grad school (she was a poor student who took 5 years to get through college with a C average). </p>

<p>My point is that we can hope for the best, but sometimes our kids just don’t turn out the way we hope. Some people are always resentful, because it’s part of their nature. Some people move across the country after launching, and hardly ever see their parents again. Some people marry spouses who add problems. Some people have drug or alcohol problems. Some people blame spouses, bosses, parents, Lady Luck or others for their own deficiencies. </p>

<p>Anyway, the odds are strongly in your favor that this is just a stage as M’s Mom so eloquently describes. Hang in there! On the positive side, someday he may be a parent and you’ll get to see him make most of the same choices that you made (and he’ll probably tell you then that he finally “gets it.”).</p>

5

<p>All I can say is my parents got a LOT smarter after my first child was born…</p>

<p>Otherwise, I agree with the others that is can be a phase - or personality. It may go away, or not. But, I wouldn’t take any of it to heart. We are in the same phase with our oldest… and I’m hoping that we, too, may “get smarter” after he has children of his own.</p>

6

<p>You’ll need to come up with a “go to” response…something along the lines of: “We did our best, we told you XXXX, you made your choices. Pushing a child who stubbornly wants to do otherwise, just leads to rebellion.” </p>

<p>Your son needs to learn to take responsibility for HIS choices. As an intelligent teen, he made choices. It’s not too late for HIM to make NEW choices to get him where he wants to be.</p>

7

<p>Mark Twain: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.” I think it might be a little older than 21 when some people come to this realization!</p>

<p>As far as your not pushing your son far enough, my SIL said she told her kids, “Look, school is YOUR job. I already did 7th grade [or whatever] and have no intention of doing it again!” It’s not fair for a kid to blame his parent for not pushing him enough!</p>

<p>I can already tell that two of my kids will believe they had a good upbringing, and the third will be telling his therapist what monsters his parents were. I already have to steel myself against his hurtful comments. At least we have lots of friends and family members telling us we’re doing a good job under difficult circumstances (his bipolar disorder).</p>

8

<p>BTW…since this happened while he’s home for Thanksgiving, it might be a good idea to tell your child (ahead of time) that when he comes home for Christmas break, if he wants to stay at your home, then this kind of talk that leads to hurt feelings/disharmony will not be tolerated. It’s your home…you get to make the rules.</p>

9

<p>Similar experiences: we’ve had painful discussions with each of our daughters, when they’ve brought up the ways in which our good intentions backfired. And, though I don’t remember discussing it with them, I remember thinking the same thing about my own parents almost 40 years ago. Once I finished growing up, I recognized that they had done their best and that I had much to be grateful for.</p>

<p>Advice: since this is a continuing subject of discussion, and you find it painful, how about setting some conversational limits? Something like, “We love you and have always done what we thought was best for you at the time. We’re proud of all you’ve accomplished. I’m not going to talk about this any further.” Then just repeat it every time it comes up, unless you think there’s something you can gain from talking about it another time.</p>

10

<p>If discussion and talking about how much he was hurting you had no effect, I know what route I would go. I would allow him the chance to really push himself by paying for his own college. It would be an opportunity for him to really stretch himself and discover true independence. I am sorry you are going through this but your son sounds bitter and ungrateful. </p>

<p>Things could have been a lot worse for him growing up and I am sure there are many kids who were abused physically and/or mentally that would have loved to have been raised in home like yours. Your son needs to stop looking at how much better of a parent you could of been and realize he was lucky to be born into the home he was.</p>

11

<p>I think he will get past it as he grows older and recognizes from his own experiences that sometimes people cannot anticipate the long-term consequences of decisions.</p>

<p>In my experience, young people often do not realize how often adults don’t know the “best” choice to make in any situation. It takes time for them to realize that (1) parents are fallible, and (2) sometimes, it is not at all clear what the “best” choice is.</p>

<p>Your son isn’t quite at that point yet.</p>

<p>I like the idea of taking the subject off the table for a while. Perhaps you could suggest having one more conversation about the topic, so that if there’s anything he hasn’t said yet, he can say it and feel heard, and then discontinuing all discussion of it for a period of time – maybe a year or two.</p>

12

<p>I feel for you, inspired by music. Holidays are often stressful times anyway, and this introduces an element of pain (when surely you are eager to see your son when he comes home). </p>

<p>As a now-grown-up ungrateful child, I can only say hang in there. I perceived that I “made it on my own,” getting into a good college, etc., etc…Only now as my kids go thru high school do I realize that I was wrong. My parents helped and supported me in many many ways…I just couldn’t see it at the time.</p>

<p>Does it help to think -“A little bit goes a long way” (we gave him enough to launch him, contrary to what he perceives)
-“We did the best we could at the time” (we could all do better, most of the time!)
My favorite: “The fact that he is successful means we must have done SOMETHING right”</p>

<p>He is getting a taste of how successful he can be on his own. He is rightfully proud. Yet, he thinks he got there by himself. Of course he has no inkling of the sacrifice you and your husband put in to help him get to that place. Kids rarely do.</p>

<p>Smile and put appropriate limits and try to enjoy tie with him as best you can. Sounds bad perhaps but…don’t let him see how much it hurts you when he says these things. Be strong because you must be convinced that you did a good/sometimes GREAT job. Sorry but I agree with previous posters, he is being self-centered. The fact that he is in college already means you and your husband have achieved a tremendous accomplishment. Now it is his turn. In 20 years we’ll see how he measures up!</p>

<p>Don’t enter into arguments. This is a gut issue for him. Be patient and above all positive and show interest in what he is doing. You can let him know we all regret things in parenting – but then move on. You could have done a lot, lot worse.</p>

<p>Just try to preserve the relationship…without becoming a doormat.</p>

13

<p>If he is at a top school for his major, surrounded by others who are tops at that, it can be very easy to start believing that achieving in that particular subject and/or at that particular type or level of institution is the be all and end all of existence. When he comes home and sees that his sister isn’t headed in that same direction, his self-worth is challenged. If he cares for her at all, part of him wants her to study a peer subject at a peer institution. Been there, thought like that myself.</p>

<p>Only when I had my own kid who came into the world with a temperament and talents that are so unlike my own did I really start to get over it. Here is the model I’ve used to explain things:</p>

<p>In the game of life, each of us is dealt a different hand of cards. You may have ended up with nothing but high cards, or nothing but low cards, or be missing one suit entirely, or even (because this is life after all) all the card in a suit that no one else even knew existed. How you play the game that you have to play (which may not even be the game anyone else at your table is playing) with the hand that you have will determine whether or not you do win. Figuring out how to play your own hand is what matters.</p>

<p>Your son may not be ready to understand that his sister isn’t him. But it might help her through all of this if she can see that she isn’t and that that is not a problem at all.</p>

14

<p>Thank you all so much! It is SO reassuring to hear from others who understand this situation.</p>

<p>I’m off to do some Black Friday shopping, but I’ll be back to respond later. I really appreciate all your responses.</p>

15

<p>OP - grow a pair, or what ever. Tell your son that he needs to be respectful when he speaks to you, otherwise he could find some where else to go for his breaks. I have never put up with any stage my kids were going through - terrible 2, middle school sassy, teenage rebellion. I go through stages too - middle age crisis, menopause - but I don’t dump on them or abuse them. I tell my kids to deal with it, and be respectful when they are with me. </p>

<p>Yesterday, we were with our friends and their grown kids. Some of those kids started openly arguing with their parents and rolling their eyes. A friend said to me, “Your girls don’t do that. They don’t contradict you or make fun of you.” I said, “I wouldn’t put up with it, but I also treat them well.”</p>

16

<p>I would certainly remind him of all the times you told him to study harder, bring his grades up, study for the SAT :D. I would also suggest that you talk to him about being respectful to his parents and to stop being an arrogant kid when he visits. I would not put up with him talking to me like that AT ALL.</p>

<p>Our D did say the other day “I wish you would have made me…” I kindly reminded her of her reaction every time we DID suggest she do that…oh yeah.</p>

17

<p>External pressure rarely works in the long run. I think the OP did things exactly the right way at the time for her child, and that others have offered some good and plausible explanations for why her son is resentful now.</p>

<p>I also agree with oldfort that he needs to learn about respect. He is extremely fortunate to have had the parents he has and the opportunities that have led to his current success–even if he wishes things have been different in some way.</p>

<p>Some families don’t have the resources to get their kids home for Thanksgiving. Maybe next year the decision, and the expense, should be on him. If he wants to be with the family, he needs to come with the right attitude.</p>

18

<p>At this point, what he did in high school and prior doesn’t matter ONE BIT. When this subject comes up again, say “isn’t it wonderful how college has inspired you?” then change the subject or walk away. Repeat as often as necessary.</p>

19

<p>This makes me really uncomfortable. You were great parents and your kids are better than fine and your son resents you? No no no no! I have always believed in letting a kid develop internal motivation.</p>

20

<p>I absolutely agree with mom2collegekids (post #8) above!</p>

<p>If he’s rude when you speak with him on the phone, don’t call him! (And don’t accept his calls.) You can communicate by email. And if he doesn’t want to be civil to you in your home, then he doesn’t need to be welcome in your home. Set some rules, make it very clear to him what they are, and stick by them!</p>

<p>I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but there’s got to be a limit. Explain to him that you’ve heard what he has to say, and you’ll think about it, but you do not want to hear about it again.</p>