<p>^Can you do both? I would feel the same impulses if I were in your shoes. And I know several people who have been. One let her son go to jail because that was the only way to scare him straight. In another care the parents did everything they could to “make the problem go away” and he went on to sell heroin to a girl who OD’d on it. He is now serving a very long sentence. I guess my point is that the most important thing is making sure your son has sufficient disincentives to do this again and that if he needs help, he gets it sooner rather than later. College may have to wait a bit, which is not the end of the world.</p>
<p>I think we all probably know kids who had one (or more) too many and didn’t make it home. He’s young and a good kid and he will make it through this. The key is to learn from the mistakes.</p>
<p>I can feel how scary this is for all of you…</p>
<p>I agree with sally305,I would be authentic with my emotional reaction, let him see how upset you are, but of course also how much you love him and want to help him. I would make it very clear how critical it is that he tell you everything, so that you can really address what his needs are.</p>
<p>Natural consequences, to me, are things like losing driving privileges, paying difference in insurance costs, pay for lawyer. If he doesn’t ave a job, sounds like he should get one. I wouldn’t just hug him, but if he feels as bad as you say he does no need to kick him while he’s down. He probably knows about the minimum sentence, because the first thing my kids would have done is Google the charge.</p>
<p>The .16 is a cut off point for one level of punishment to the next. For me, have the lawyer look at that number, it makes a difference with regard to punishment. My nephew had two different readings for a DUI, and the .02 difference meant a huge deal when it came to fines, etc. it’s interesting that he hit that number exactly. </p>
<p>What surprises me is they let him go after 90 minutes. That’s pretty fast. </p>
<p>As for what to do with son. The legal consequences are enough, be there to support him, stand by him, and try and get the lowest possible punishment you can. The court case is enough for him to handle right now.</p>
<p>Good ideas all. I had my wife go through all your replies and she feels better about how to approach this now.</p>
<p>The police took his license so he’s lost his driving privileges for a while regardless of what additional punishment we give him. When I found out that his girlfriend’s group of friends had supplied the alcohol my first instinct was to make him stop seeing her, but after talking to the girl’s mother, who’s going through the same process as I am, I’m not sure that’s necessary anymore.</p>
<p>Seahorse: Interesting. I’ll definitely bring that up with our lawyer tomorrow. And I think because he’s under 18 they were able to release him into parental custody, so he didn’t have to spend the night.</p>
<p>Curious now … Was the gf arrested for either MIP or public intoxication?</p>
<p>Yes, for MIP, as was my son. Her mother told me that the girl identified the provider to the police, and that he was arrested the next day (not sure of those charges).</p>
<p>First and foremost, I’m glad that the kids (and others on the road) are ok. </p>
<p>".16 translates to about 7 drinks" - It depends upon the drink and the bartender. But it does sound like a lot. If the GF let him drive, she may have been just as drunk. It’s hard to know answers or outcomes at this point. My only advise is to continue staying in sync with your wife … that will be key to getting through this.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Assuming that’s the truth, the school did a lousy job of policing the prom if he could consume the equivalent of seven drinks there. I’m not trying to deflect blame from those who brought the alcohol and consumed it, but schools have an obligation to keep drink and drugs off the premises at any school event.</p>
<p>You know, your son could have killed himself, his passengers, or some poor soul who happened to be on the road–it’d be a long, long time before I’d feel like I wanted to “console” my kid in those circumstances. And I do have a little experience here–back when my college kid called to say that he had spent the night in jail for marijuana possession and sassing a cop, he got no consolation from me, just one sentence: “You know we aren’t paying for your lawyer, right?” (Instead, he used a good chunk of a grandparent’s bequest to pay legal fees, money that could/should have been used to help pay for a car or a down payment on a condo.) And he hadn’t endangered anyone by his conduct.</p>
<p>I can console while at the same time be reallllly mad at my kid. I understand the danger and what the ops son did was really stupid and scary, but heaping on more will not help and if you do, you may not get the information you need to get through this. My husband got a DUI about twenty years ago. Man was I @;&(’. It took money, time, and energy to get through it and move on. But could we have survived emotionally if I was mad at him for any length of time? Not really. He was scared bad. We then had to get practical about dealing with it. </p>
<p>if I were the op, I would tell my son that his punishment is coming from the legal system. And as we the parents will be paying for this mess, he needs to get a summer job, and do all he can to help pay for it. </p>
<p>This is serious, but we don’t need to heap even more on a persons back when they are down. I see nothing wrong with loving my kid and saying I’m sorry this happened, and yeah we are disappointed and worried, but we know you are a kind, loving, nice, and smart young man and we can get through this.</p>
<p>This process very likely will be a long process and it will involve mom and and dad driving to court, meetings, and it’s best if people can trust each other moving forward that they have each others backs. </p>
<p>This is going to be okay, not great but okay. College will happen. Life will move forward. It’ll be cozy for awhile with lots of family time, but you can’t make this everything. While this is being dealt with, be a family, look and plan for the future, and be kind to each other.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I’m heading to bed for the night but I will let you know how our talk goes tomorrow.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My experience in practicing law was that it was rare to see such high BAC numbers in people who did not have a drinking problem. I’m not saying it’s impossible – but the point I was making before is that most people in the court system are going to assume he probably has a drinking problem. They may be mistaken, but it’s not just the 7 drinks, it’s that a novice drinker is going to be very obviously inebriated at that level, and most wouldn’t get behind the wheel. (They’d be stumbling all over the place). A more experienced drinker could probably function better, and would also be more likely to convince himself that he was ok could drive and could handle things. It’s a lot more than being slightly tipsy. </p>
<p>But even if your son does not have a problem with drinking, he has a big problem with the court system. And one thing that he can potentially do to help himself down the line is to take action to address his alcohol problem (whether he believes he has one or not). </p>
<p>Take a look at this page, under aggravating and mitigating factors: [North</a> Carolina DUI |DWI Drunk Driving Laws, Penalties and Fines | drivinglaws.org](<a href=“http://dui.drivinglaws.org/ncarolina.php]North”>DUI/DWI Laws in NC and the Jail and Fines for Convictions | DuiDrivingLaws.org)</p>
<p>Note that one mitigating factor is:
“Voluntary Submission to Mental Health Facility for Assessment”</p>
<p>Another thing I don’t know about is how the treatment of juvenile offenders in NC may differ from the adult system. In general the juvenile system is structured around the primary purpose of rehabilitation, but sometimes that means that juveniles actually end up with more stringent punishments or restrictions than adults for the same offense – and that can depend on the perceptions of a juvenile court judge or probation officer.</p>
<p>As a lawyer out here in California, I wanted to have good things to tell the court about my clients. I wanted to be able to say that the parents took the matter very seriously and were committed to getting help for the son, and that the teenager who had been arrested had taken this as a wakeup call and gone into counseling/treatment to address his drinking problem. I’d be much happier with a client who admitted to a problem and was going through the motions of getting help, than one who denied that there was a problem. The court process can drag on awhile between arrest and various hearings along the way – so the sooner an arrestee gets into counseling the longer a record can be established, and the better it is going to look when it comes time for the case disposition.</p>
<p>Of course you should follow the advice of your lawyer. But getting your son into counseling/treatment (whether he needs it or not) can only help. </p>
<p>The point isn’t to pass judgment on you or your son - I’m just saying that it’s better for you to be on the proactive side of the scale, and act on the assumption that your son needs help at this point.</p>
<p>Thanks calmom. I had looked at that page but my lawyer told me we were in the “Grossly Aggravating Factors” zone (Levels 1 and 2) because there was an underage person in the car, so his mitigating factors (safe driving record) wouldn’t be as useful as they otherwise would?</p>
<p>I agree that as parents we need to be proactive here. I don’t think he needs treatment for an alcohol problem but it was very helpful to hear that it can sometimes sway judges. I do need to learn more from him about how much he had to drink and what made him get behind the wheel.</p>
<p>(Also, I guess I lied about going to bed.)</p>
<p>I was thinking the same thing your lawyer said when I looked at those factors – the math didn’t add up for me – but you never know. Again, the juvenile system is a little bit different than adult court; judges may have a lot of discretion as to what they can do to make a punishment even harsher than the law specifies; and the only thing you can beyond working with the lawyer going forward is to create a record that will demonstrate that your family is taking the matter very seriously and taking action to address the problem. It won’t hurt to get your son into some sort of counseling, and if you decide that he really doesn’t need help with substance abuse, you could opt for more general counseling to address whatever else is going on in his life that led to this. The point is, you can’t undo history, but you can create a record that may help your son and will at least help him look like a good guy going forward. </p>
<p>Courts like to see people trying to get help, if it seems genuine. If your son gets into counseling right now, immediately after the arrest, it looks genuine. If your son signs up for counseling three months from now, two days before his court disposition hearing, it’s going to look like you or he are just trying to game the system.</p>
<p>OP, I think the last thing you should be worried about is college at this point. Or keeping your son out of jail. That might might be the best thing for him in the long run. </p>
<p>Your son was twice the legal limit and was apparently able to walk to a car and drive it. He had a minor in the car with him who was also drunk. That level of function with that BAC indicates a drinking problem. This was most likely not his first time drinking or behind the wheel drunk. Most likely he has a drinking problem. </p>
<p>If this were my son he’d be getting treatment and be taking a gap year to mature. If he made these decisions now what will happen in college in a few months? You say he is a good kid and does not do drugs. You didn’t know he drank either…</p>
<p>I found it interesting that you considered keeping him from seeing the GF. If I were the GF’s parents I would not let her see your son. He put her life in serious danger!</p>
<p>I tend to be strict and I’m sorry if this has come off as harsh. But IMO you need to be concentrating on dealing with your son’s drinking and decision making and not worrying about college of if his picture is on a web site. It deserves to be there. He drove very drunk. Luckily he did not kill himself or anyone else. The court will throw the book at him. And it should. Hopefully between that and treatment he will get past his problem and move on to have a happy and productive life. </p>
<p>Stay strong.</p>
<p>SO much depends on the judge and the jurisdiction (I am also a lawyer and have a son who has had some legal “situations”). I disagree with a lot of what Calmom is saying, but agree with some of it- but you really just need to see what the situation is in your jurisdiction.
My son got a reckless driving by speeding ticket (no alcohol- just too much over the speed limit late at night on an interstate) in a VERY strict jurisdiction. Our very connected lawyer did everything possible (showed college transcripts etc) but the minimum sentence had to be served- 1 night in jail. Other places are much more flexible.</p>
<p>So sorry this happened but glad no one was hurt. Does NC have a diversion program? Would he be eligible to participate in this?</p>
<p>According the stuff on the internet, NC has some pretty tough laws on DUI, as well as a complicated system of aggravating factors that can pile on the minimum sentence. That the BAC is over 1.5 is also an issue. What I don’t know - and the OP’s lawyer does – is how the juvenile court system would differ. In my jurisdiction, as a practical matter, the juvenile system often gave out tougher penalties for minor level crimes. But every state is different.</p>
<p>
OP’s son is a junior in hs. He won’t be going off to college in a few months.</p>