<p>My son asked me to post this to see if any of you more experinced parents can give us some advice on how to handle this situation:</p>
<p>My sons words:
So much for face book and room bug. I was asked to room together by my current roommate on roombug. I checked out his facebook page and he really seemed like a cool guy. I dont need a friend just a friggin room mate that can at least talk to me.</p>
<p>From day one on move in. I knew this guy had issues. No eye contact and very little if any coversation. I even asked him if he was ok and I just heard a grunt.</p>
<p>SO what can I DO? Should I go to my dorm manager. I could speak with my RA. But he will probably suggest that I speak with my room mate and try to handle it. How can I? he wont even talk to me.</p>
<p>Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.</p>
<p>If he “looked normal on facebook,” he had friends in high school.
I think he is either very shy/slow to warm up to new people or, more likely, stressed out, probably due to both college and some other things going on in his life. I would tell my son
“Cut him some slack.
Just be polite to him.
He will probably warm up and start talking later.
If he doesn’t talk to anyone and does things like miss classes, not eat, and sleep through the day, it is worth telling your RA that he seems depressed.
If he’s going to his classes and functioning, just give him some time.
This could be worse.
For now, make an effort to make friends with other people on your floor or in your dorm.”</p>
<p>Good luck to your son. I’m sorry to hear he is having a bad start in roommate life. Have him google Roommate From H-e-double toothpick and read stories bout worse roommates; that might cheer him up. :)</p>
<p>I have no pearls of wisdom. My DD had a very similar situation her freshman year. The good news was that the OTHER students on her floor were very friendly. She really didn’t spend a lot of time in her room that year…but she did make some wonderful lifelong friends.</p>
<p>The only good news MY daughter had was that this roommate was not there much at all the last term of the freshman year…she didn’t move out but she just wasn’t there. </p>
<p>No it was not much fun…but my daughter found some wonderful friends probably because of this situation!</p>
<p>OP, your son should continue to be friendly, when heading somewhere, ask the roommate if he wants to go, and just basically be a good guy. The roommate could just have a lot of anxiety in new situations, and once comfortable seem completely different and normal. As long as the roommate isn’t rude, abusive, etc, tell your son to just give the roommate a little space and time in a friendly way, but not to ignore him. You never know what the roommate could be dealing with, and can be pretty sure that his behavior has nothing to personally do with your son. He may be a downer, but as long as your son just shows acceptance and tolerance, the roommate will be able to pull himself together eventually and know he has a good roommate!</p>
<p>Great advice already. Given the history, the boy might turn out fine, but going thru some social anxiety. This may be first time away from family. Could be homesick. Sometimes one keeps quiet or looks away if trying to hide tears.</p>
<p>I think the attitude to take is that just because they are roommates doesn’t mean they must be close friends. Take the other suggestions but keep in mind that this guy may never be “warm & fuzzy”.</p>
<p>If the roommate was disruptive or touching your son’s personal items(stealing), I would advise your son to move out. If the roommate was just not very social, then I think above advices are very good.</p>
<p>D1 had a very strange roommate at one summer program. The girl would sit in the dark, wore combat outfits, and would grunt at D1 initially. D1 was very opposite of that (very social, loved bright clothes, typical teenager). She ended up making a lot of friends in her dorm, but she and her roommate started talking late at night when lights were out. The girl told D1 a lot about herself when they were lying in their beds. They didn’t become best friends, but they got along when they were in their room. </p>
<p>D1 was sensitive to her roommate’s needs to be alone in the room, so she didn’t invite her friends to their room. She was also quiet when she entered the room, and didn’t turn on the light as soon as she entered(after a week, the girl started not to stay in their room as much). I would tell your son to be sensitive to his roommate’s needs, maybe giving him some time to adjust. One thing about going to college is to learn to get along with different people.</p>
<p>Gator, My son had a similar experience freshmen year. His roomie was highly intelligent, but also extremely aspergers and did not make eye contact or engage socially. My son was actually thrilled with the experience and so were we. S learned to study in the library, reached out to other friends for socialization, visited their rooms often, and loved the fact that he could leave the party whenever he wanted to and return to a quiet room. His room was never party central, and that was great by him. </p>
<p>Son also told us that he had plenty of friends who seemed “normal” at first, but were in fact jerks. Too much partying, too many girls, lack of respect, or too clingy.</p>
<p>A roommate who minds his own business is not a problem. </p>
<p>A roommate who keeps illegal drugs in the room, sexiles you on a daily basis, makes noise when you’re trying to sleep, borrows your stuff without asking, gets drunk and vomits in the room, or spills soda on your computer is a problem.</p>
<p>Count your blessings and go find friends down the hall.</p>
<p>One of my kids had a roommate who literally wasn’t there during most of the semester when they allegedly lived together; he spent most of his time in his girlfriend’s room. The other kid had a roommate one year who lived an entirely separate life; they had separate circles of friends and barely spoke to each other, although there was no hostility between them. It worked out fine in both cases.</p>
<p>A third vote for possible Aspergers. Have your son read up on Aspergers, it will help him understand his roommate a lot better, and not take some of those behaviors personally. Also, some really introverted people have a much more social persona online… just because they can’t express it face to face doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. Your son may find that his relationship improves over the course of the year with this guy. And… roommates don’t have to be best friends, they just need to coexist peacefully if possible.</p>
<p>It may be Asperger’s; it may be that rm is more introverted than your son. Our society seems to reward the extroverted personality – a big “Hi how are you?” with friendly grin when you’ve just met. And if you don’t do that, people think you’re wierd or antisocial (not that your son said or implied that, but I’m an introvert by nature, and I’ve learned to fake an extrovert’s behavior just to survive, socially). </p>
<p>Introverts take longer to warm up to people and consider someone a friend. The good part is that once they become your friend, they are a true, loyal friend, not a superficial one. They prefer one-on-one interaction to being in a group. Big social settings are exhausting (whereas the extrovert thrives on being in a group and derives energy from it). Introverts, after being in a big group setting (like college life or a party) need to regroup in a certain degree of isolation without social or other stimuli. This isn’t bad – it’s just different. Maybe rm is overloaded from all the new people and is regrouping. Possibly suggest your son check out introverted personality for some insight. He sounds like a great kid so I’m sure he will figure out a way to reach out to rm so they can peacefully co-exist.</p>
<p>THIS. I’m like this. I just can’t show how I really am to a larger group of people at once, I don’t have that skill. And with one on one or smaller groups, I have to get to know those people to figure out HOW to interact with them first or else I can’t, it’s like there’s a big padlock on my personality and I literally don’t know HOW to open it. My facial expressions remain relatively blank unless I’m particularly excited about something even if I am feeling a massive emotion, and I am very, very, very quiet at first. At school people just ignored me, by some MIRACLE at work they are interpreting it as me just being “extremely intelligent and focused” so people forgave how I was at first and got to know me and now I’m really opening up a ton. But this is seriously, for me, the most disruptive autism symptom there is.</p>
<p>Have no idea if OP’s roommate is like that, but I wish more people realized these things do occur and gave the quieter people more of a chance. I am extremely outgoing and loving and curious and in person I come across as aloof and disinterested because of my autism and it makes it impossible to ever get to know people so that I can learn how to show them the real me. It’s very oppressive and sad, that’s part of why I spend so much time online-- it’s effortless to show people the real me online and I’ve always had dozens of close knit and rewarding friendships online. OP’s roomie may or may not be on the spectrum, but if he was nice online I’d give it a while and see how things develop. You do not want to swap out a quiet roommate for an obnoxious in-your-face one, if this is the worst that come of this roommate pairing OP’s son is lucky. He will make other friends and appreciate the quiet when he wants to come home and rest. Not saying the situation is ideal, but as of now it’s not something to get too upset about.</p>
<p>With all due respect- its a bit premature to assume Aspergers when all we have is a 2 word second-hand description. Its rather unfair to both the OP and her s who might make unfounded assumptions about this kid, as well as the roommate. While Aspergers could be a possibility, so could be anxiety, adjustment or just a shy kid. Maybe he broke up with a girlfriend before leaving for college. Maybe he’s homesick. Really, please stop the armchair diagnosing. If his facebook page showed a lot of friends and a lot of interaction, maybe this is an adjustment issue, not a major diagnostic issue.</p>
<p>If the move-in just happened, give the kid a little time to adjust. Agree, talk to the RA and express some concern that the roommate seems uncomfortable and hard to approach. Get their assistance. Good luck.</p>
<p>** Edit** Crossposted with class of 2015 and emaheevul. Don’t pathologize the roommate without sufficient data to support it.</p>
<p>Perfect my son has all of your suggestions and he feel much better now.</p>
<p>Marian you wrote: “A roommate who keeps illegal drugs in the room, sexiles you on a daily basis, makes noise when you’re trying to sleep, borrows your stuff without asking, gets drunk and vomits in the room, or spills soda on your computer is a problem.” You arent kidding I had a room mate 35 years ago (ouch) and he was like this. it was not a good situation.</p>
<p>My son will give him his space and he will be there when and if he ever opens up.</p>
<p>Again this site is incredible.</p>
<p>Frat rush starts tomorrow and while he wants to wait to join next semester. I am sure he will have a blast. He is going with some of the guys on his floor.</p>
<p>Seriously, no two people with Asperger’s are alike, nor are their “issues” - so what is all this talk about “pathology”? I do think it is possible to compare or discuss characteristics often seen in people with Asperger’s without playing the pathology game, or creating “issues” where none exist. Discussing and comparing differences often seen in those with Asperger’s in terms of personality differences rather than some sort of disease could actually help so-called “normal” people better understand and deal with people not quite like them. Really it’s not a dirty word. And who knows? A couple months from now, if the roomie really did have Asperger’s (or not), the OP could be coming back to complain that his once uncommunicative roomie “talks too much” :)</p>
It’s very oppressive and sad, that’s part of why I spend so much time online-- it’s effortless to show people the real me online and I’ve always had dozens of close knit and rewarding friendships online. OP’s roomie may or may not be on the spectrum, but if he was nice online I’d give it a while and see how things develop. You do not want to swap out a quiet roommate for an obnoxious in-your-face one, if this is the worst that come of this roommate pairing OP’s son is lucky. He will make other friends and appreciate the quiet when he wants to come home and rest. Not saying the situation is ideal, but as of now it’s not something to get too upset about.</p>