<p>I agree that you don’t want to assume the kid is an aspie, but also think it can be good to familiarize yourself with the symptoms-- there is a school of thought which believes that social-ness is one big spectrum and autism is just the extreme end of one side. You can be on the autistic end without falling into the area which is diagnosable and still have similar traits without having any kind of a “pathology,” as I believe it has been described here. I think there are MANY, MANY people who fall into that undiagnosable but distinctly aspie-ish category, and OP’s son’s roommate DOES sound like he falls into that category SOMEWHERE-- even if it is just shyness or stress. I don’t assume the OP’s roommate is an aspie based on what she’s said, could be anything, but I think best case scenario is that there is SOMETHING going on with this kid-- be it just shyness or anything-- and that giving him a chance to open up before getting too worried is the way to go. I just wanted to talk specifically about the seeming break between the online and in person persona because it is very true for a lot of people, neurotypical and not, that they show their true personality sooner online than they do in person and the opposite is something nearly everybody takes for granted.</p>
<p>Well said, emaheevul. There are individual characteristics in personality styles or behaviors that are features, attributes, idiosyncracies, etc but as you said, do not fall into the diagnostic realm. There are, as you also said, lots of things that can cause difficulties adjusting to college, and it is premature, perhaps inappropriate, to assume he’s an Aspie. If it turns out that he does carry an Aspergers diagnosis, it sounds like the roommate is understanding and compassionate.</p>
<p>When I was in college, I would have preferred a roommate who didn’t talk much, and left me alone. I conducted my social life outside my dorm room and when I got back to my room I wanted privacy and relaxation.</p>
<p>Maybe the roommate is just someone who needs their space.</p>
<p>In my opinion, any speculation about a disability of any kind does not belong in this thread. It is only that…speculation. The OP came here for suggestions about what to do, not to find out what disability (or not) this roommate has.</p>
<p>My D suffers from social anxiety and depression. She is painfully uncomfortable in social situations. She has been seeing a therapist for 9 months and they have made some progress.</p>
<p>Much to my surprise, she has been very excited about going to college and starting a new chapter in her life. She moved in to her dorm today. She and her roommate met on Facebook. They decided to room together after meeting each other in person. They kept in touch by Facebook over the summer. It was painful to observe my D’s behavior today. She barely interacted with her roommate at all. There was little eye contact and she hardly said two words to her. She shuts down when she feels overwhelmed. I’m sure that she comes across as being rude, which is unfortunate. It just takes her a long time to feel comfortable with other people. She spends quite a bit of time on Facebook. I believe that it is much easier for her to relate to people online rather than face to face.</p>
<p>I have been torn as to whether I should discuss my D’s social anxiety and depression with her roommate’s parents. We have met the parents twice and they seem very warm and friendly. I want my D’s roommate to understand that she is not being rude or aloof on purpose. I don’t want her to take it personally. It is an anxiety issue that she is dealing with.</p>
<p>Should I talk to her roommate’s parents? Would it be helpful for her roommate to know what is going on? Or would this be overstepping my boundaries?</p>
<p>I agree with Marian. </p>
<p>One of my sons had a roommate who told my son that he was not very social. He just wanted to be left alone and spend a lot of hours in their room and much of the time he spent sleeping. My son invited him at first, but when his roommate just explained that he was not social and did not want to join in, my son went where he wanted to go without his roommate. Everything within the room was friendly and the roommate was very respectful of boundaries and such. That is all that mattered.</p>
<p>D1 has 2 roommates who are both very quiet. One is more so than the other. Roomie 1 went to a very small hs (9 kids in the graduating class) and appears to be an only child. When we met the roomies, Roomie 1 did not initiate any conversation, and it was a struggle to get anything out of her. Her parents showed up after a trip to BBB and she sat at her desk, was on her computer, as they hung up her clothes and put things away.</p>
<p>I told D1 to invite her when she goes places, but she insists that 'we have nothing in common." Today, we Skyped D1 and asked if her room mates were around. She said that Roomie 2 was around, but neither of them have seen Roomie 1 since yesterday. Her laundry was missing, so they assumed she went home, but she never even left a note for the other roomies. The issue is that the school is currently in hurricane mode, and they asked all the students to tell the RAs if they were leaving the building.</p>
<p>We think that she is not used to being around so many other people or having to tell people where she is.</p>
<p>Since when do roommates have to be best friends? The only thing that would seem to matter to me is that there aren’t any problems in the room, which there doesn’t seem to be. If there’s no conversation, so be it. What’s the problem? It makes it easier to get work done. If your son does not like his roommate, let him meet other people. Most roommates do not get along. I’ve heard FAR worse stories than what you’re saying right now. At least he’s not coming back at 4 in the morning drunk and waking up your son. I’m sure that would be a far worse and more awkward and uncomfortable situation. If your roommate steals from you, then there is a problem. But until that happens (which I HIGHLY doubt it will from what you are describing), what’s the problem? Why can’t you have your life and let him have his life. Both of you, from what you have described, clearly seem to be very different. So you make your friends and let him do what ever he wants. Again, I can’t say this enough. What exactly is the problem? You don’t like your roommate? So what. Think of how much worse you really could have it. People are different and sometimes you just have to deal with that. Especially if you came from different places, since you did say you met on roombug. You’re not going to like everyone you meet. But as long as he’s not touching and or taking your personal stuff, I really don’t see what the problem is.</p>
<p>@57Beach Give your daughter some time. Since she was fine when they met, and decided to room together based on that interaction, it may be the anxiety of starting school that is affecting her interaction now. Would your daughter be open to discuss her anxiety with her roommate at some point?</p>
<p>OhioMom3000, I do believe that she is experiencing some anxiety. She’s only been away from home once. This could be a difficult transition for her.</p>
<p>I had a discussion with my D yesterday about this. I suggested that she explain to her roommate that she sometimes feels overwhelmed when in social situations. She said she would talk to her about it, but who knows if she will or not. That is why I was considering reaching out to her roommate’s parents.</p>
<p>LOL, SteveG- are you the OP’s new roommate? :)</p>
<p>57beach,
I agree with Ohiomom- give your daughter a little time to try to address it on her own. You can always choose down the road to call the mom. But once you do, you cannot ever take it back, if you ended up feeling like you did so prematurely. Would you tell your daughter if you talk to her roommates mom?</p>
<p>@ gator4ever - you’ve gotten great advise here. I would only add based on what you shared on the 2015 parents thread, there may be a possibility your son is misreading the social queues the roommate is sending. Just a thought. My advise would still be polite courtesy and space. Sometimes it’s best if roommates aren’t best friends. It makes for a more even, stable living environment. It can be hard if one roommate had hoped for something more of the relationship. </p>
<p>Hugs to mom & dad as you watch your son try to navigate these things on his own. I’m sure he’ll do great!!</p>
<p>Hahahaha, no not quite. But I have had similar problems with my roommate in my college, and what I said seemed to work out best for the both of us. We both had different interests and went our separate ways. Once we realized that, things became a lot easier for the both of us. The room environment became less stressful and hostile. We realized that there’s no point in trying to force something that’s not going to work. We were very nice and polite to each other in the room, would always say hi to each other if we saw each other outside of the room, and that was it. We were just flat out different. I just completely disagree with what everyone is saying. The two of them don’t seem to be getting along, so maybe it’s just because they are different. I only say this because I am speaking from experience.</p>
<p>Roommates do not need to be best friends. Or even friends.
They should respect each other’s needs in the room. That’s all.</p>
<p>Posters here make a lot of sense. It’s nice if roommates can be friends, but not necessary. The problem could be a LOT worse. S should hang in there, be friendly and inclusive, but if roommate remains to himself, so be it. S can make other friends and be happy to have a peaceful quite room.</p>
<p>@57Beach I understand you wanting to step in, but since this is such a new and stressful experience for your D, I think it would be better to step back and let her ease into the roommate situation. It may be that after a week or so of classes, everything will become less overwhelming and she will be able to interact more with roommate. She may also gain some social confidence by handling it on her own.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Personally, I would be mortified if my mom did that. If I wanted my roommate to know about my social issues I’d tell her myself (and I did). And that aside, you have to remember that different people have different ideas about mental illness-- for all you know roomie’s parents could wildly overreact and really mess things up for your D. </p>
<p>I was already living with my roommate when I was diagnosed with my autism and I told her right away, I’ve been really open about it from the start and even though we weren’t buds we did talk to each other about what was going on in our lives-- a sort of reluctant family relationship I suppose is a way to put it. But if I had known about my autism in advance of meeting her I don’t think I’d have told her right away-- it always works better if someone at least has a chance to get to know me a little bit so they dont automatically insert the first stereotype they think of as a shorthand for actually putting in the effort to understand who I am. Social anxiety is a little more “user friendly” in terms of stereotypes but I’d still be wary of just throwing it out there, especially via roomie’s parents.</p>
<p>^ And thats exactly, emaheevul, why I cautioned against posters here suggesting the OP’s roomate had a diagnosable issue.</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone. And yes this is my username on this forum. My son asked me and my wife for advice. I asked him if I could post his situation on CC. He gave me the green light.</p>
<p>From essays, to applications, to traveling, to roombug, to what to take, to what not to take, to how to handle to move in. to how to handle the empty nest, to dealing with room mate issues. This site is totally amazing.</p>
<p>I am telling everyone I know that has a college aged child or an upcoming high school student to get on here and learn from A to Z.</p>
<p>To whomever started this site. May God Bless you and thanks.</p>
<p>57beach, I feel for you. The best possible solution, to me, would be if your D could tell her roomie that when she’s feeling stressed or in new situations that she feels overwhelmed and tends to shut down, and to please forgive her if she seems cold: it’s nothing personal. She doesn’t have to pathologize it. I would really, really, really hesitate to call the roomie’s parents for all of the reasons stated above. You could get a nice person who would understand and have a little chat with her D, who hopefully would be equally nice and not spread it all over the dorm, or you could get someone who would blow your D’s situation out of the water completely.</p>