Special Circumstance: Deceased Non-Custodial Parent

Please don’t jump to conclusions people - we have NO IDEA at this point whether the father died intestate, provided for his child in a will, left entire estate to child, whatever. We have no reason to think his extended family are cheating his child out of the estate. OP needs to check into those matters - is there a will? Is there an estate executor?, and keep the schools updated, but whatever basics she finds will determine her path handling such matters going forward.

Ideally, her father would have had an attorney, who can be contacted to at least find out whether a will was prepared, without jeopardizing his child’s relationship with their extended family. The death notice should mention that - “If anyone has claims against the deceased’s state please present them to Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe,” etc.

It is possible to have everything pass outside an estate if you are very good at setting it all up that way. All joint bank accounts, all property held in joint tenancy rather than tenants in common. All assets given away before death. It’s not easy to do. My grandfather always had a signed blank check to my mother, and she was to fill in the amount left in his bank account upon his death. The only thing he had with a title was a car, and that was easily transferred. One key to all this was he didn’t have much, and there was no one to argue about how anything was distributed

I think the OP has to say to the inlaws “Look, I know this is horrible timing and we’re all in shock and grieving, but we have to get this going. DD needs all this info for college. I need to do the taxes. Where do we start?” I’m sure it will have to be probated because someone, either OP or the uncle or someone else, is going to need letters to present to banks and insurance companies and sell the car and close the apartment where he was living. It’s hard, but it has to be done.

In such a situation as the OP’s , it’s better to have an attorney who is used to dealing with these things look into the matter. It’s better to keep it at arm’s length and it’s also better to have someone who knows what he is doing.

No one in my DH’s extended family had a will, and what was left went to the spouses; in many cases things were jointly owned anyways, as it was with my parents. When my father died, nothing was probated, no attorneys involved, all went seamlessly to my mother except some issue with the car which was straightened out with little difficulty.

My close friend’s mother died about the same time as my mother–without a will, and everything will be split among the children. My friend’s husband has opted out of the split. There will be no probate, no lawyers involved. In their families, no one gets an attorney involved either.

In my mother’s case, all her financial accounts were joint with me, not that she had much. No need for any involvement of attorneys. My, MIL, a whole other story, and the bill for the attorney’s involvement is quite steep for the little work involved, IMO. In fact, I just negotiated a fee decrease from him. By shopping around, I found quite a few attorneys willing to take care of things for far less than his standard fee or theirs.

In this situation, I do agree that an attorney should get involved or the children could end up not getting what they could be getting, should be getting.

I spoke to an estate attorney to get an idea of the process and timeline. Also spoke to my brother-in-law. I’m hopeful that we can work together. Working in a collaborative way with my brother-in-law is my goal. Best for all parties involved if we can pull in the same direction.
My primary job is to make sure my kids stay healthy as they move through their loss. Part of that will be delicately handling the financial aspects. I agree with cptofthehouse that it’s best to use an experienced attorney to,“keep it at arm’s length.”