Spoiled kid rant!

Parents Forum
1

<p>I just have to rant a minute. My daughter, a sophmore at Smith College, has indicated that she is "unhappy" and would like to transfer. Apparently she isn't blending socially as well as she expected. Her grades are great, she likes the classes and professors, and even has a 10 hour a week campus job she enjoys. All she can point to is the lack of close friends on campus to make her happier.</p>

<p>When I was a college student, I put myself through the state uni, working up to 30 hours a week while pulling a full course load, and living off-campus with a roommate to cut expenses. My largest concerns were having enough money to pay the rent and buy food, and turning in my assignments on time. This young woman I raised is whining about not having enough friends, sitting in her single dorm room, with full board, at one of the best private liberal colleges in the country?</p>

<p>I know as a parent, my job is to help her find her own way, so if transferring is what she wants to do, I'll help her with the process, but I can't believe she can't see what a blessed life she has!</p>

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<p>1down, I'd listen real carefully to what she's saying. It could very well be the tip of an iceberg. Then again, it is equally likely it is as you (and she) say. Some kids who want to transfer may maximize the "difficulties" they are having, but it's also possible that she's minimizing them. Listen closely as y'all start going through the process.</p>

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<p>Yes, it sounds like she does have a blessed life, but it wouldn't hurt to get some transfer apps in so she has options. Has she isolated what it is about her current school that makes her unhappy that would be different on another campus?</p>

4

<p>I thought of what curm said also and then edited myself. But she could be depressed and that you would need to take seriously. Since she's doing well academically, that's less likely, but still possible.</p>

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<p>I think she's on her own for finding and filling out transfer apps. I helped her with the first choice and even flew around the country to see schools. At this point, I am tempted to tell her whatever she wants is fine, but since she didn't like the education we were providing for her, she can provide her own education.</p>

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<p>1 down: I agree with you. If she wants to transfer she should have to put in the work. I would just make sure she feels your support and listen out for any potential signs that something more serious might be going on.</p>

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<p>There's also an article on MSNBC News today entitled: College students think they're so special. It made for some pretty good reading.</p>

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<p>1down:</p>

<p>Hard to know which way to look at it- is she a spoiled brat? Is she some one who has a tough time adjusting and making friends? Is she prone to depression? Is she whining needlessly or is she overhwelmed personally and passing off a desperately needed transfer with an acceptable excuse.</p>

<p>Read the 2nd semester blues thread on the parent cafe page 2......some kids really are spoiled and others sre not dealing well with their circumstances and need a break. Maybe she needs a year off with the ability to return to Smith, just a leave of absence to be surrounded my home & family. I wish I knew then what I know now in dealing with my #1s issues. Of course, that being said, when #2 had 2nd semester blues, we encouraged her to stick out semester 2, do all she could to plan to return to that school- if she chose to and also to do the best she could in her classes and on her sports team in order to have options. #2 did decide to return to her original school and has thus far been having a good year, so it worked for her. In retrospect, D1 could have used a break to figure out where she wanted to be and what she wanted to do, but she/we both could not quite see that as a good choice!</p>

<p>Maybe a visit to see how it seems, in your gut. When D1 had her wall-hitting experience, I was definitely hit with "I knew there was something wrong" feelings and I wish I had gotten more involved and been more forceful early on and had tried to get to the bottom of what was bothering her.</p>

<p>I say, go visit if you can this term and go with your gut to determine if she has a serious issue- if so, get the schools advice on getting leave etc. If not, so she's a brat...a little late, but you can work on that and be thankful it is not worse than that!</p>

9

<p>Yeah I saw that and thought of her. I never would have described my daughter as narcissistic or spoiled, so this whole thing is a total shock to me.</p>

10

<p>each person is different. for some folks, myself included, social isolation causes deep unhappiness and sorrow. It's possible that she's very unhappy and still managing to keep her grades up and work at a job.
I know this is very upsetting for you and for any parent in this situation. I might be angry about all that the family went through together to make this happen, only to have her not happy there. Take a few deep breaths and think about what part of this is so upsetting for you...so upsetting you're tempted to tell her to stay or you'll abandon her economically. In this first moment of shock it reads as if you feel rejected, or the family's work together rejected. But if we had to marry our first love or no one, stay at our first job or not work, you'd see a zillion bitter folks. For her this college/first love is just not working right now.
If it were me I'd consider trying to call and talk more, don't put down the transfer idea, just let her have someone to share her upset with who she knows loves her. Obviously she hasn't found friends to help her cope and if you're angry, she might feel way more alone.
With support she may send apps, and transfer, send apps and end up staying, but either way she'll know you've got her back.</p>

11

<p>This is a tough one for a parent. I know I have an idea in my head that once the work was done to get kid into college that he should be happy/productive there and stay put, thanking the Gods for the opportunity.
This past weekend I saw a mother whose son is my son's age. Hers is coming back this year from a football scholarship, great year, and yet he is homesick. Misses his gf who is still in HS, misses his family. Coming back to attend community college and pick up his old high school part time job.<br>
I really had to think that through. Admired the Mom for being so great about it. Wondered if I would feel the same way. Truth be told, I would find it hard to be gracious and supportive and would feel probably like the OP...but then, I hope, I would take a very deep breath and talk to my much more pragmatic husband.<br>
And tell my kid, I will support your decision (and the work to do all the transfer apps is all yours).</p>

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<p>If it's something as amorphous as the inability to make close friends, I guess my question is how she could determine if she could make close friends at another college? It's not something you find out on a visit, or even an overnight. And it's harder to "break into" social groups that have already formed over freshman year.</p>

<p>Perhaps you could explore that issue?</p>

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<p>I'm going to stick up for the girl: Smith is, let's be honest, not your typical type of college and socially may not be everyone's cup of tea, despite its academic excellence (and high price tag.) Maybe your D is simply ready for a bigger campus? More diversity? More of an urban environment? More men? (Smile.) And is any, or all, of this a sign of being spoiled? </p>

<p>1down, I'm not criticizing your reaction because, having a teen age girl, I've certainly heard plenty of whining from kids who have nothing to whine or be unhappy about. And I don't doubt that your D actually may BE whining as she's telling you how she feels. The TONE of her complaints aside, she may be voicing some legitimate concerns about her (very expensive) college experience.</p>

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<p>Here's the link to the "Second Semester Blues" thread:</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=300244%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=300244&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>My son also is looking to transfer. It seems he is doing all of the leg-work, and putting far more effort than he put into the process when he was in high school. We have told him he is responsible for the costs associated with the transfer and if he gets accepted, the cost cannot exceed what we are paying for his current school (and since he has a generous scholarship, that will be a real challenge for him). Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>If she's not happy, she's not happy. You know your daughter better than any of us. You know if she's really spoiled or not. Smith would not have been a good fit for me. I went to a big state university and loved it. Big state U is not a good fit for everyone, though, and I'm sure there were people there who hated it.</p>

<p>I'd let her start the transfer process. She may change her mind before next fall. If not, I'd let her go somewhere where she'd be happy. What is most important to you? What if you found out tomorrow that your life, or her's, was nearing its end? What would your priority be then? Smith? or Happy?</p>

<p>If she repeats this again in another two years, then I'd revisit the issue of spoiled. For now, being unhappy at a specific type of college that isn't everyone's cup of tea is not necessarily spoiled.</p>

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<p>I'll be honest here--I had a tough time reading your post. I absolutely do not get where the term "spoiled" comes from. Spoiled because she doesn't like being lonely? Spoiled because she finds it hurtful not to have friends? That just doesn't make sense to me.</p>

<p>I was going to suggest you read the Second Semester Blues thread, but I see someone else has.</p>

<p>So, this is what I would do if I was in your shoes(and I was):</p>

<p>Talk to her. Ask questions. Why do you think you're having trouble making friends here? Do you feel you don't fit in? Can you describe what the prevailing social attitudes are? can you imagine a different kind of school where you'd fit better?</p>

<p>Then, personally, I'd help look around at the transfer issue, while also helping brainstorm ways to make the current school work. I'd suggest thinking of groups to join, activities to try out, etc. At the same time, I would help with the at-home legwork (HS transcripts, etc) while expecting her to do the bulk of the application process. I'd keep talking. Why do you lilke school X? How is it different? What does it offer?</p>

<p>I'd counsel not making a decision until the year was over, but getting the apps in in order to have choices. Just going through the process might clarify things for her.</p>

<p>I'd keep talking--how are you doing? How are you feeling? There are a lot of gradations between clinically depressed and hopelessly whiny. It's quite possible to be legitimately unhappy with a situation without being diagnosable, and without being spoiled.</p>

<p>In the end, my D knew she was in the wrong place for her, and transfered. We did not hold it against her that she, with the best of intentions, made a wrong decision. She was 17. I still don't get it right all the time. I still try to fix what I can when I can.</p>

<p>I want my kids to know that they can, too.</p>

<p>So, that's what I would do.</p>

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<p>A very good friend of my D's--not a whiner--who is fourth-generation Smith--left Smith for a year and took courses elsewhere when she found herself uncomfortable with the campus culture. She then went back to finish up. Smith is not everyone's cup of tea, and I would think it would be difficult if you didn't have close friends. Especially with the weather they've had this winter, which has kept people inside for the last month. (My son hates the east coast right now.)</p>

<p>Tea and sympathy may be in order; ditto an evaluation for depression; ditto a serious conversation; and a transfer app is cheap. Encourage her to LOOK for friends--sometimes you have to be the first one to ask "do you want to go to X movie? I'm looking for someone to go with."</p>

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<p>I always have mixed feelings about this -- but when I was a kid I KNEW that first year that my college wasn't a good fit and I should have transferred. I stuck it out for 4 years, but really, WHY?</p>

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<p>Smith is a women's college. I for one would have been miserable at an all girls school. I grew up the only girl of four siblings. I was used to having boys around to talk to all the time. Most of my friends were boys. Not to say I didn't have girlfriends either, but for crying out loud, all girls school? No way. So maybe I'm looking at this through a small tunnel, but I can't imagine how this would have worked for me under any circumstances. I would try to find out if she would be happier at a coed school. I loved and still love the company of men as well as women. Maybe she would too.</p>

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<p>1down, I understand what you are saying and feeling. My son has been unhappy with his school. Like your d.--academics are fine, profs are great, campus is fine--it's the social life. I brought up some of the points that previous posters mentioned with him last year. Especially how much is "you" and how much is the school? He finally decided that he needed to give it another year to determine that.</p>

<p>At present, he has put in one transfer application to the only school he thinks he is willing to move to. He is still undecided whether to give up the positives he does like for the "unknown" elsewhere. (the devil you know)</p>

<p>However, he did do transfer legwork himself, is arranging a visit himself, etc. which is more effort than he did in high school. Our attitude is that he is the only one who really knows how he feels so the decision has to be his.</p>

<p>Back to your original thought. It does seem (maybe I am totally off base) that many teenagers and young adults today are more willing to throw in the towel than they were in "our" day. I can't imagine that I ever would have called my parents and told them I was "unhappy"---I already felt so privileged that I was even in school. They probably would have answered "Well, we're sorry, but suck it up and figure it out". It's a different time now and these kids are very used to being successful, happy and not having too many rough hurdles (speaking for my own family here). </p>

<p>My advice is the same as those above. Make sure there is not something more going on, let her know the transfer work in on her, support her in HER decision. I certainly don't see any wrong with playing devil's advocate and helping to identify the pros and cons of the choices.</p>

<p>Good luck. You are not alone.</p>