<p>My DC has been on school trips, even with me chaperoning, where students have pushed the limits, bent or broken the rules, etc. At first I was flabbergasted the teachers did not impose more serious consequences, and thought that I would never let my child return on another trip of this nature. I believed that if very serious consequences were the norm that it would put an end to this kind of behavior. After digesting this and realizing how naive I was to think that, I came to the realization that my DC, whether a part of the trouble making or not, learned more from this and other like experiences than if it had never happened. It was a situation that was as safe as safe can get with a group of high schoolers and chaperones - the kids were not exposed to grave danger of any sort – I’m talking about typical kids stuff here. Had I kept DC home to “protect” from potential problems, it would have just postponed the inevitable – at some point all our children will be faced with risk-taking decisions, and they will learn from their decisions to partake or stay clear of these situations. I do not believe that exposing them to possible opportunities for trouble puts them in a greater risk bracket, in fact just the opposite. They need to learn to cope and make decisions, and if they do make bad ones, to learn from them. Keeping them “safe” from challenges of growing up, in my opinion, only postpones their exposure and ability to learn, and perhaps puts them at a greater risk later when the potential for trouble will be of a more serious nature. Anyway, long winded way of saying I believe that we need to let our kids experience life and learn from those experiences. I think overprotected kids suffer greatly in the long run. Sport aside, a chance to travel, bond, mature, work out social kinks, make independent decisions, have fun – what an opportunity for an memorable and life-changing education! … Now, admittedly, I will have to heed my own advice when I am faced with these kinds of decisions next year with my BS applicant child! Good luck!</p>
<p>Excellent post, eileenbeth. I was just thinking about this thread earlier today and how hard it can be for parents, especially first-time parents of teens (like moi) to stay relatively sane while letting the kid grow up. Encasing them in a perfectly safe environment doesn’t let them learn and grow. Throwing them to the wolves isn’t good either. So we are left with the messy ‘happy medium’, where we each have to assess our kid and muddle through the best we can. </p>
<p>Mistakes will be made, by both parent and kid. For me, the hardest thing can be to consciously sit back and just hope for the best, knowing that some of those mistakes can be awful. Kids think they are immune and ‘it won’t happen to them’…brain research shows they sometimes can’t even explain why they did what they did at this age. Horrific driving accidents do happen, yet we have to let them learn how to drive. Some kids do dumb stuff and get thrown out of their boarding school…where on earth do they land after that? The mistakes in the teen years can have long-lasting repercussions, yet we need to let them go. If anyone knows how parents of teens stay sane, do share.</p>
<p>All I can offer is that it does get better. And if you have more than one child, the second time around is a lot easier. Knowing that no matter the age, our protection can only go so far, whether it’s learning to walk and watching them fall, or learning to ski and worrying that they will have a horrific accident. It’s the teen threats that seem to be the hardest and scariest though - peer pressure, sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, stress and anxiety… At this age our children are, for the most part, who they are, and all we can hope is that what we’ve instilled upon them through life lessons and example, will rise from the depths of their short-circuiting brains and sustain them when they need it. It usually does, and most turn out just fine. And we just get older and more gray waiting and watching!</p>
<p>Yes indeed. Somehow it seems that this generation of parents is having a harder time doing all of this than prior generations. Even for those of us who are not helicopter parents, it is still a time where, at least around here, you don’t see kids just playing on the streets as we did when I was young. It is all carefully crafted and supervised ‘play dates’, for fear of a predator kidnapping your kid or something. It demands more of the parents and invites more worry.</p>
<p>Back in the day, parents and kids were not available to each other by cell phone. When I was 16 and driving home one time late at night and the car suddenly just stopped working, I had to walk in the dark to find a pay phone somehow and get myself home. Going back to earlier generations with less developed health care, it was not necessarily assumed that all kids would survive to maturity.</p>
<p>Somehow along the way, something changed, and yet we all know that life remains unpredictable and even the most loving, caring parents cannot control everything - nor should they.</p>
<p>You guys are the best! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the many wonderful responses her to my pathetic query.</p>
<p>To make a long story long, here’s what we decided. We had a short time frame to work with, and as I noted in my original post, we were nervous. Didn’t have ALL the helpful posts at that point. Given our son’s relative youth, we decided not to let him go, but held it out as a possibility for next year. Emailed the coach and spoke to our son. He took it well. For about 12 hours. At which point he did some deep thinking and decided that he cared about it more than he had realized.</p>
<p>And then the pestering began. And the emails showing us that the airfare had dropped by $100. And the phone calls. And the very persuasive argument that he really could use the extra practices to learn his new sport. So I looked back here and saw many more sage posts from wise parents with experience in these matters. I gave it more thought, as did my husband. I had a long talk with my son explaining my personal worries about those potential serious hijinks, to which he replied essentially, “why would I do that?” So we caved, I mean reconsidered our decision, and decided to let him go after all, pending there being room on the trip at that point. It took the coach two days to get back to me, but there was still room, and my son is really happy.</p>
<p>I do believe that the trip will be beneficial to him on multiple levels. I loved D’yer Maker’s analogy about this being like any other type of school trip, and what <em>else</em> the kids get out of it. And I’m no helicopter mom–I would never have sent my kid off to BS if I was. Just concerned about him being the youngest and smallest there. But I will trust his judgement and let him learn from any mistakes he makes. And this does happily solve part of my previous question about what to do with him over the long spring break.</p>
<p>Nicely done, I’d say! I don’t think it was really caving. More rather that, as parents, we learn that we can no longer ‘dictate’ as easily as we once could, and it benefits the teen to know that he has, at least, been heard. At that point, it is more about the process. I think you did well. Son realized how much the trip meant to him, conveyed solid reasons, you were able to discuss your concerns with him, and he is left feeling trusted, but still knowing he has the responsibility to live up to expectations.</p>
<p>@NYMom3: I’m sure you made the wise choice. Not because there was one specific, obvious wise choice but because you have the best command of the facts and made this decision while trying to do the wise thing, whatever that turned out to be. I’m glad you believe that the filter I shared was useful in your process but this decision was all yours to make and I admire your openness to other perspectives and your persistence to keep on top of dynamic facts in order to reach a conclusion that you believe is best for your son. Likewise, I admire how you were not locked in to obtaining validation for an immutable initial decision. Bravo! I’m not sure I’m always that open-minded (though I wish I was).</p>
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<p>Welcome to the CC parent club, @NYMom3 you’re not alone and you’ll be doing a lot of that. My daughter is a year younger than her peers and smaller. But she’s really mature and has the same “why would I do that” attitude. She took her first “solo” trip with her local high school band in 9th grade and refused to let me chaperone. And it was on a Carnival “fun ship” which evoked all kinds of fear. But she took photos and videos of passenger hijinks (which confirmed why I’m not taking a Carnival cruise), sent text messages, and I followed her band instructor’s twitters. I realized the best acting people on the ship were her band friends, and a good time was had by all. So when she entered BS and they headed for Europe for 10 days I knew she would be fine. And the confidence that came back with her - having navigated passports, money exchanges, changing planes at Heathrow, managing all the bags and instruments - was worth it. She’s still the youngest in her class but now she’s doing a year abroad. I barely recognize her and she’s still pointing out dumb things people do and saying “why would I do that”. It’s been a great growth experience for me too.</p>
<p>You raised a good kid, now he’s going to prove your faith in him. You just watch. But you can hang out here and bite your nails with the rest of us while we pretend we’re calm, rationale and supportive as our children are testing their independence :)</p>