Stanford grad student missing

Parents Forum
21

<p>Tragic. I don't know the final outcome of how she died, but if it indeed was a suicide as appears to be the case, as I predicted, there are lessons in this for us and our kids to learn - just not the lessons I was thinking of. </p>

<p>The motto I've tried to drill into my kids has been "Successful Balance + Balanced Success." You may not finish at the top of your class, have the highest test scores or win a gold medal, but if you achieve those two things you will be well ahead of the pack in the game of life.</p>

22

<p>I don't know the latest on this, but she is from La Jolla, which is a few miles away from where we live. She went to La Jolla High, and seemed to have it all. Its hard to fathom that it could be a suicide. Maybe it was murder disguised to look like a suicide? If it was suicide, this is very sobering when I think of all the pressure we put on our kids. I like the "balanced success" motto given above.
My 17 year old daughter is also way too carefree for my liking, and dismisses my cautions about driving home alone late at night. She says I'm paranoid and that I watch the news too much! We are right now battling about curfew for this very reason.
What a tragic loss for her family and the world..she had such a bright future.</p>

23

<p>She's young. There are a million reasons she might have killed herself. Love gone wrong. Mental illness.</p>

<p>Speculation that she killed herself over academic pressure is not kind.</p>

24

<p>Why is it not kind...it may very well be a reality...in some countries many kids commit suicide due to academic pressure</p>

<p>It is a reality for many families...no one is blaming the parents or anyone if that was the case.....she could have put the pressure on herself</p>

<p>we will never no for sure but to think it is unkind to suggest it might be academic pressure is being blind to the reality of some people's lives</p>

25

<p>I don't think it's unkind to reflect on the messages we may be giving our own children about their achievements and about measures of success. Or to think about how to judge whether or not things are all right with someone who seems to be doing well in all the obvious ways.</p>

<p>What has struck me so far in the coverage of this is that people have been able to quote her SAT and AP scores, but not one person has said anything about her other than that she was a very hard worker and a top student. Perhaps reporters have not found anyone who really knew her yet. But that raises the question to me of isolation.</p>

<p>This is a parent's worst nightmare. If it is suicide, it puts academic achievement into a proper perspective, even if the reason was not academic pressure, self-imposed or otherwise.</p>

26

<p>An MIT professor for whom she worked as a TA before coming to Stanford had</a> this to say:
[quote]
"She was a teaching assistant in a course that I ran in 2005, where she did a great job,'' said MIT engineering professor Eric Grimson. "Students loved her enthusiasm, her dedication, and her great people skills..."

[/quote]
That was the first comment I'd read about her as a person rather than about her academic success and commitment to work.</p>

<p>I hope more information will come to light soon. What a tragedy.</p>

27

<p>Tragically, two wonderful young men almost the same age as my son who had connections to our family committed suicide at around the same time within the past year and a half. Both boys were not only very high achievers in academic and non-academic pursuits, but both also had many, many close friends and were known and loved by many. </p>

<p>The first was one of my son's best friends at Stanford, an extremely talented professional-level musician and a brilliant student. The second was a scholar-athlete at another top school who happened to be the nephew of one of my sister's close friends. By coincidence, my son had attended daycare with him as a toddler when his mother and I both worked at the same institution, although I had not seen him or his mother since my son left that daycare when he was 18 months old. </p>

<p>I have no knowledge of how much pressure, if any, was put on these young men by their families. In any case, I would not presume to speculate on any possible influence parental pressure had on their deaths, even if I did have such knowledge. </p>

<p>However, I do know that neither young man was at all isolated, and each of them had a huge circle of friends and family members who would have done anything to help him if he had only reached out to them. The same forces that caused them to take their own lives also apparently prevented them from reaching out to the many people who would have stopped them from doing so.</p>

<p>We should not presume to judge the causes of Ms. Zhou's tragic death. The causes of such a tragedy are too complex to be the topic of speculation by strangers who have seen only the barest outline of her life story in a newspaper article.</p>

28

<p>Mof2, Your last paragraph sums up my thoughts on this tragic case. But there are so many questions. Her car was at Santa Rosa Junior college, about 90 miles from the Stanford campus. Did she drive herself there or was she driven? Did she get out of her car and climb into the trunk or was she already in the trunk? Did another person park the car and leave the junior college by bus? </p>

<p>She made it through MIT; I am not easily accepting the scenario of succumbing to academic pressure. Did she recently see her first semester grades? Did she have a boyfriend? Was she having an affair? Was she pregnant? Who will investigate this case? Santa Rosa PD or Palo Alto PD. Many, many questions.</p>

29

<p>Unfortunately, my children have had to deal with more than one suicide among the kids they know (and several attempts that failed, too). In each case, as far as I can tell, the only important factor was depression. Parental pressure, homework, grades, boyfriends, pregnancy . . . none of that mattered one way or another. It is heartbreaking, and it's not rational in any way. </p>

<p>I know none of you mean to be cruel, and we're all anonymous here, but suggesting that parental pressure caused a suicide is about the most awful thing I can imagine for a grieving family. I can be critical of parental pressure, but I don't think parents drive their children to kill themselves. I don't think mean or demanding teachers do either, or inept boyfriends. All of them grieve, all of them feel guilty, all of them wish they could have done something, and most of they time they probably couldn't have.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, the police statement in this case seems like the height of irresponsibility. As far as I know, it is not common for young women to drive for several hours to kill themselves in the trunks of their cars. Far more work has to be done here than has been done yet before anyone calls this a suicide in public.</p>

30

<p>Oh, that's sad. Suicide? I don't know. That seems like a very unusual way to commit suicide -- climbing in the trunk of your car?</p>

31

<p>When I said that we should not speculate on the causes of the tragedy, I was assuming that it was definitely known to be a suicide. I meant that we should not speculate on what might have caused her to commit suicide. Of course, if it is just sloppy police work and foul play was involved, it's a different story.</p>

<p>JHS is a much better writer than I am, and his (her?) post aboveexpressed the thoughts I was trying to convey, but in a more eloquent manner.</p>

32

<p>When we talk about pressure, it is not blaming the parents, if it was indeed suicide</p>

<p>No one is "driven to suicide"? Guess the bullied kid, the rejected kid, guess what they had to deal with isn't relevant, as well the feeling of disappointing people, your family, having to deal with reactions, etc., well those are very real to someone comtemplating killing themselves</p>

<p>And you don't think that life issues have any influence on a young persons decision to hurt themselves?</p>

<p>THey can be the trigger that pushes the person to do something drastic, to dismiss them, to me, is not seeing into the head of a young person, where often what we may see as trivial, and not that big a deal can in fact be devistating</p>

<p>to ignore life events that can shift the ground for someone is not a good idea, thinking the events don't matter...they matter ALOT</p>

<p>my D had two friends, who were bullied and both contemplated suicide...without the bullying, I honestly don't think they would have discused killing themselves...</p>

<p>as parents, we need to watch our kids, look for signals, see if what we are seeing in front of us is real, not just a cover and passing for normalcy</p>

<p>depression of course is a major factor, but many depressed people don't kill themselves...it would seem a life event factored in for those who did hurt themselves</p>

<p>I have no clue what happened with this young lady, whatever it was is really sad for all involved</p>

<p>But when there is a teachable moment, well, parents should take it</p>

33

<p><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/01/27/BAG8ANQ5PB1.DTL%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/01/27/BAG8ANQ5PB1.DTL&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

34

<p>AS CC becomes increasingly popular and as it is a college website, you must assume that the friends and family of Zhou may one day read these comments.</p>

<p>If your intent was to say "Hug your kid", then fine. Placing blame on the family is unkind. Full stop. For one thing, this woman was a grown, hugely accomplished adult.</p>

<p>I say this as the neighbor who lives across the street from a woman whose husband fell into a depression and hung himself in the garage six weeks later, leaving behind three little boys under the age of 7. His parents will not have anything to do with her or the boys--blaming them for the depression (he was bi-polar and taking medication).</p>

<p>In suicide deaths, nothing is more unkind than blame.</p>

35

<p>So sad. I agree, don't be callous.</p>

36

<p>I think the common sentiment expressed here is just how sad we all are for this tragic loss. We all feel it could have happened to any of us, whether it was suicide or foul play..and we are just so very sorry that either of those things can happen in our society to put out the bright light of a person like May. I don't think anyone is blaming or being callous- we are just trying to come to grips with this tragic event and make some sense out it. If we can take some lessons from it and possibly try to prevent this from happening to someone else then some good could come out of it.</p>

37

<p><a href="http://daily.stanford.edu/article/2007/1/26/missingGraduateStudentFoundDead%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://daily.stanford.edu/article/2007/1/26/missingGraduateStudentFoundDead&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

38

<p>What I find distressing is how easily we slip this woman into one of our favorite stereotypes: The super high achieving Asian woman (perfect SATs, MIT) who cracks under all the pressure and commits suicide. Everything I have read about this case screams foul play and someone she knew. I hope the police are putting out the "consistent with suicide" story to keep potential suspects off their guard while they investigate. I would want to know who she was competing against for internships, position in her lab, research grants, anything like that. (Did she do any teaching?)</p>

39

<p>I agree NJres. I'm not yet buying into the suicide thing....the circumstances are too unusual and without a coroner's ruling, it's too soon to form conclusions.</p>

40

<p>
[quote]
What I find distressing is how easily we slip this woman into one of our favorite stereotypes: The super high achieving Asian woman (perfect SATs, MIT) who cracks under all the pressure and commits suicide.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>NJres I agree with your whole post and particularly the above. Depression is an equal opportunity disease. High achievers, low achievers, rich and poor. Left untreated anyone suffering from it may commit suicide. It's not appropriate to attribute a person's particular life circumstances or family as the cause. It's an illness. </p>

<p>That said, IMHO it doesn't sound from the scant details like a suicide unless she was very adept at covering up her despair and then going so far as to cover up her own actions at taking her life.</p>