Starting from scratch as a parent, and looking for advice.

Parents Forum
41

<p>Everything Carolyn said.
Plus this is what I wish I had done more of:
*Look for more things to appreciate than correct.</p>

<p>*Praise who he is more often, and what he accomplishes less often (the satisfaction of a good grade, winning game or job well done is its own reward--people are less secure about being appreciated for who they are).</p>

<p>This is what we did right:
*Gave him our time, but also let him have lots of time with friends. (My family kept us so busy doing things with the family that we were isolated from peers.)</p>

42

<p>let them get dirty, and be messy, and let them be....</p>

<p>we went to this family camp place once, and by the time my kids got to the dining hall, they were filthy, but happy, other kids were all clean and presentable...who had more fun on the way</p>

<p>stop and smell, and see and take the time to pull over and watch them dig a big hole for a new building</p>

<p>don't let them fear dogs or animals</p>

<p>and let them touch icky stuff</p>

43

<p><<half my="" point="" was="" to="" read="" and="" think="" aloud="" at="" a="" higher="" level="" than="" the="" child="" is="" used="" or="" can="" even="" comfortably="" comprehend.="">></half></p>

<p>Someone gave my son a hard-cover copy of Aesop's Fables when he was three. Not some souped up children's version with pretty pictures, but the original (translated) olf-fashioned Aesop's fables, with big words, strange turns of phrase, and convoluted plot twists. My husband read Aesop's Fables to my son until he was old enough to read them himself. I scoffed at my husband at the time - reading such stuff to a child! But, my son grew up to be absolutely passionate about Greek mythology, and is great at debating the ethics of every situation so who knows? :) My daughter, however, was more fascinated with picture books -- she liked the stories well enough, but loved examining the pictures. She isn't much of a reader, but she is a very talented artist. So, yes, sometimes what we experience in our younger years can fit in with who we become down the road. (Although it's hard to predict what effect ANYthing will have on a young child)</p>

<p>Which reminds me of something my husband did for our children that I am convinced helped them in school as well as life. Most nights, he would lie on their beds with them before bedtime and tell them a story about his childhood. He used a pseudonom so the kids didn't catch on until later that he was talking about himself. </p>

<p>The stories always had an underlying moral of some kind -- "chip" (his pseudonom) did something wrong, or didn't make the right choice, or found himself in a pickle and had to figure out how to get out of it. The stories weren't anything fancy or particularly imaginative - my husband just told stories about things that had happened to him in his childhood (apparently, he was in trouble a lot :) ). Many of the same stories got told again and again, with slight twists and variations.</p>

<p>After my husband told that night's story, he and the kids would discuss about Chip should have done or how Chip might have solved his problem better, or sometimes about just how dumb "Chip" was. Both of my kids looked forward to "Chip stories" and that special one-on one-time with their dad and will tell you today that is one of their fondest memories of their dad. </p>

<p>But, I think the Chip stories also helped develop the ability to reason things through when they faced their own tough choices, and were a good underpinning for living moral, decent lives. I think the Chip stories also helped them both learn how to listen attentively, appreciate and follow a story, identify the beginning middle and end of stories, etc. - all good skills for school. Both of my kids are also very creative writers, especially about their own childhood experiences, and I have no doubt someday they'll tell their own "chip stories."</p>

<p>So, developing a love of words and learning doesn't have to come just from reading books. Sharing more personal stories of your own life can be wonderful as well. Heck, just having as many two-way conversations with your child as you can, and really stopping to listen to the amazing insights kids come up with, can be a learning experience for both parent and child.</p>

44

<p>What a fabulous thread! Annie, I have 3 boys, ages 15-21. I think they are great guys. We read to them from the time they were very little. I always used "grown-up" vocabulary. People would question what I was doing, but my kids were getting it in context. My pediatrician told me that the best thing I could do for my kids was not to turn on the TV. My oldest actually watches no TV to this day. We own no Nintendo or X-box type games. They never pressured us to buy the stuff, even though their friends had it. I think they just "knew" that we wouldn't allow it. We took them out to "family" restaurants from the time they were 6 weeks old. They learned restaurant behavior early on and knew that if they raised their voices or misbehaved, we would leave immediately. We took them to the zoo, to museums, gardens, sporting events. The key component is we spent lots of time with them. Enjoy every moment you have with your wonderful 10 month old. No matter how many times you are told that the whole thing goes by so quickly, you will really not believe how quickly it goes by!</p>

45

<p>I didn't go through all the posts but I would say READ. Read to them, let them see you reading, get library cards and go to the library, READ. Intelligent people, IMHO, read.<br>
When mine were toddlers, we invested in casette players and books on tape for them. It became a bedtime routine to read one or two stories, then turn out the light and put on a tape. They would go to sleep listening. Both became great listeners in school. I wouldn't go so far as to say they listen to their parents, but they did have a much better attention span than those who were put in front of the TV with it's "flicker" effect at a young age.</p>

46

<p>There are countless wonderful suggestions here. A few I'd reinforce or add:</p>

<p>Read to them. Continue to the point that they are ready to read on their own. And then still read to them.</p>

<p>Magnetic letters. Don't stop with one set. Tag sales are full of them, they need not be complete, you're looking for extra letters, great for forming sentences. Get both upper and lower case letters if possible.</p>

<p>Need a gift? Buy a book. Don't get stuck on "age" recommendations. Stretch them a bit. Same with toys/games... go for the ones that stretch their imaginations. Educational magazines (Zoobooks, others when the time comes).</p>

<p>Limit the TV, and when the time comes, the video games, or stay with the interactive learning tools. As they get older, you may need to curtail hours on the internet. Technology is wonderful, but often mis-used.</p>

<p>Involvement, exploration... seashore, the firehouse, museum, naturewalks, a sunset.</p>

<p>If you can, speak a foreign language, or try and foster an early learning experience for them with another tongue. The earlier, the easier, and you may all benefit with becoming multi-lingual.</p>

<p>Encourage belief, faith and morality, but allow them to question and explore. Resist the urge to cram your religion down their throats.</p>

<p>Encourage music and let them explore. </p>

<p>Teach your daughter to wield a hammer, cut the grass, and change a tire. Teach your son to sew, wash and iron, and put a Thanksgiving dinner on the table. Bend the gender. </p>

<p>Cherish the time. They grow far too quickly.</p>

47

<p>About the t.v.....recent research has shown that obesity is directly correlated with the amount of time spent with electronic devices (t.v., video games, etc.).</p>

<p>We always limited t.v., and we formalized that when they were in elementary school with a limit of 5 hours per week.</p>

<p>Recently, our 20 y/o son was telling me about the above-mentioned study and said that he wanted to thank us for limiting the t.v. and computer games (we didn't dare buy a video game system) when they were younger even though he hated it at the time. He is so glad to be healthy and fit.</p>

<p>That son does not watch much t.v. at all now, however our other 2 kids will watch as much as they can (D1 is married, so she has unlimited t.v. now) :-). So, I don't think limiting the t.v. necessarily removes their attraction to it, but it does give them lots of time for other stuff.</p>

48

<p>The thing I would like to do over is not giving my kids enough responsibility for things for the family at a younger age. While they keep their rooms clean, my kids would not think of washing a dish they didn't use unless specifically asked. I visited a patient at home recently and her very smart mom (I asked, Harvard MBA) had 4 children cooperating effortlessly to do family chores. The house was lived in but neat as a pin. I did too much, made it too easy for them to depend on me for too much.</p>

49

<p>Trust your instincts. Ask for advice from parents you admire--parents with grown or nearly grown children that you admire.</p>

<p>Read to them. Read to them from the time they can focus in your lap until they don't want parents in the room--from four months to about age 12. As they get older, read long chapter books--books they wouldn't attempt on their own. We often read long chapter books for over an hour before bedtime. </p>

<p>Stock their bookshelves with beautiful books--from the bookstore or library. LEarn what books they like to read and discover new ones for their shelves. Donate old books to schools or after school programs.</p>

<p>It's not for everyone, but I took/take mine travelling to the far corners of the earth. I sent them to camp in far away lands. Then I sent them travelling independently when they were 17. I fund travelling up until the age of 22 because I wish someone had done that for me--because the travelling I did get to do had such a profound impact on my intellectual and creative development.</p>

<p>Eat dinner together every night. Serve lovely meals and put candles ont he table to get your children to linger and delve into meaningful conversation. Invite interesting dinner guests. Include the lonely or the sorrowful at your table. Let your children see the rewards of giving with no expectation of receiving. Praise them most when they are generous and kind.</p>

<p>Serve them fresh fruit and veggies. Show your love by the quality of food you serve them--at every meal.</p>

<p>Play with them. I didn't do enough of this but my husband had an absolute ball.</p>

<p>Encourage them to go along, get along. Discourage pickiness of any kind. All food is delicious. All children have something lovely to offer. All clothing is suitable, more or less. Because we encouraged openmindedness, mine can survive the most uncomfortable hostels or tents in all sorts of unusual surroundings. They love all kinds of food. They are happy to have comfortable clothing (although the teen years brought a desire for a few flash items).</p>

<p>They love you a little less each day--as you love your parents less than you did when you were an infant and less than you love your child (probably). Treasure that childhood love. You will never again be surrounded by such adoration as you will be in the next 12 years. Savor that. Give and get as many 'sugars' as you can--in kisses and hugs and handholds.</p>

<p>If there was something you didn't like about your childhood or your education, start planning how to do it differently.</p>

<p>Communicate your high expectations. </p>

<p>Remember who you really were as a teenager. Stay true to that memory and you will probably steer your children through temptation--and into meanignful and loving adult lives-- with great success</p>

50

<p>Let your children see how much you love and respect your spouse. I always told my children that whenever they would see my H and me sharing a kiss, they knew that all was right in their world.</p>

51

<p>Expose your child to everything - travel, theater, concerts, sports, etc., and let them find their passion, and support it - do NOT push it. Help them find a passion in some sort of community service that will continue for years, so it won't look like they did it just to flesh out their resumes. and READ, READ, READ, READ!!!!!!!!!!!! Start out with the little fairy tales, etc., then get them books on things you love and they love - horses, sports, etc. This makes learning a lot more fun before they even start school! Get that book that answers all the questions that kids ask about science, etc. D and I had this game with the globe - I picked a place and she had to find it. She loves geography to this day! All of this boils down to surround your child with it in fun ways and the rest will fall into place.</p>

52

<p>As the parent of a rising high school senior, I support the comment made by a couple of posters that you not focus so specifically on the future. In the end, the college he or she attends is not as important as things like intellectual curiosity, tolerance, respect, and kindness. Your child will develop into a fascinating human being with your love and support. Enjoy these early years!</p>

<p>I've had to distance myself from a longtime friend who decided while her son was in the cradle that he was Ivy League material and has blindly pursued that goal for him, with negative consequences. It's very upsetting to see how that approach to parenting can affect a child (and a family).</p>

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<p>Agree with geezermom. Don't focus on what college you want your son to go to at this stage. Keep your mind open to all the possibilities. What if it turns out that your child is passionate about commercial art and wants to go to art school instead of college? Wait and see where your child wants to go and then support him. You might be cutting off opportunities for happiness for him if you start steering him down one path.</p>

54

<p>I have to agree with mstee and geezermom. When my now 20 year old son was a freshman in high school we had a freshman parent meeting that mainly focused on college topics. An admissions counselor from a small private school (can't remember which one) asked us "How many of you want to get your kids into college?" All 300 of us raised our hands. He said "WRONG!" He told us that our ultimate goal was to get our kids to GRADUATE from college. He told us that it is more important to find the right fit for your child so that he or she will be successful than to force them into a situation that may not be the best for them. That has always stuck with me and now that I'm working with D1 with her college decisions I have tried to keep with that philosophy.</p>

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<p>I also agree with Geezermom and Mstee. College is not the right path for every child, nor is having a child attend college (or attend a specific college) a sign of your success as a parent. </p>

<p>True success as a parent lies guiding your children towards becoming people who are kind and loving, who care about something larger than themselves, and who are able to keep a positive outlook in the inevitable troubled times. No one really needs to go to college to become such a person. You do, however, need parents who care, who show you their love, and who role-model what a true "successful" adult is all about. </p>

<p>Don't expect college to accomplish miracles. College may give your child book smarts, but it won't turn him or her into a good person. Given a choice, I'd rather my children be good, honest, and sincere people than college-educated.</p>

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<p>My favorite Freud quotation: "Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness". If we raise children who are able to love and work, we've raised successful, productive human beings. Nothing in there about what college, if any, they graduated from. One of the smartest, most successful adults I know is a college dropout who never would have gone to college at all if his parents hadn't pushed him.</p>

57

<p>I am glad we taught our children about the preciousness of others.</p>

<p>For example, if we were shopping at the mall and the kids would (inevitably) climb under the clothes racks, we'd point out the cashier and tell the kids that it was her job to keep the clothes on the rack nice and straight. When the store closes, she has to go around and straighten those clothes that they just messed up, and she'd probably like to get home to her family. We weren't ugly about it; we'd tell them stuff like that in the way you'd tell someone something you knew they'd want to know.</p>

<p>We just tried to make them conscious of how their actions affected others and that others were people who had feelings just like they have.</p>

<p>They have grown up to be people who are aware of and sensitive to the feelings and perspectives of others. Yes, I'm proud of them. :-)</p>

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<p>Annie70,</p>

<p>Any thoughts about the feedback you were given?</p>

59

<p>I made a deal with my wife and kids: no commercial TV, videos strictly controlled. But, unlimited budgeted for books, audiobooks (dyslexic wife and son), art supplies, educational computer games, sports equipment. This worked great until kids had their own computers for school (both are now teenagers) and have access to video and video players. </p>

<p>Read to your kids lots.</p>

<p>Talk about ideas with them. This worked fantastically well with the first one, who responded like a bright adult when he was very young (First one really did ask me, while we were stuck on the Bourne Bridge driving back from Cape Cod, "Tell me again about the coalition formation before World War I"), and less well with the second one.</p>

<p>Travel. Don't always travel solely like a tourist. Last year, we worked feeding kids who live in the municipal landfill in Nicaragua and with another group that is raising money so kids from the barrio in Granada can attend private schools.</p>

<p>Help them find and follow their passions. The things people excel at are the things they love.</p>

60

<p>This thread is so wise and wonderful. Will print it to give a young mom I know. Also grounding, to think of the years past and all the things we've done as a family. </p>

<p>Limit TV. Know that the culture is not necessarily healthy for growing children, and the enticements of video games, fast food, commercialism of all sorts, consumerism are hard to resist. Avoid it as long as possible, and make your own more wholesome world that celebrates the human spirit rather than denegrates it. The greater culture will come into your lives soon enough, and it is a balancing game for each family to decide what to accept, what to avoid or say no to. </p>

<p>Spend time together doing active and or creative things, whether hiking, sports, crafts, cooking, gardening, game playing. Expose your kids to your enthusiasms as possible. Teach them to love work, the work of running a household, the work of helping others, the work of learning a new skill, the work of learning in general. </p>

<p>Find a community of other families with kids of a similar age, and like values. If your school doesn't provide this, can be found in church or temple, scouts, sports organizations, music groups. I still camp with the parents from the soccer team that started 18 years ago post kindergarden. The now grown offspring join on occasion. Aside from friendship and laughter while raising kids, it has provided a good sounding board when adolescent issues were a concern, and we could form a unified approach at times when kids were testing limits. </p>

<p>Keep your marriage strong and intact. Know relationships may not always be easy, but commit to the long haul. Celebrate your family and each other. </p>

<p>Encourage compassion. 'How do you think that makes her/him feel?" "how can we help?"</p>