<p>Hi All, I will be starting my PhD program at my top choice school in August. About a month or so after accepting the offer, I got pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned, but I am planning to have the baby. I also definitely plan to still move and attend grad school in August. My question is: How and when do I tell my advisor? Who else do I need to tell at the school and when? I am only 6 weeks pregnant, so I definitely do not plan to tell my advisor until I'm at least 3 months pregnant. I also wonder if it is best to wait until I arrive in town so I can tell him face to face. I do not want to start off our relationship with dishonesty, but I feel like pregnancy is a private thing. My due date is December 30, so I should be able to complete the Fall Semester before giving birth. I most likely will be TAing in the fall, but not the spring. When I arrive I will be almost 5 months pregnant and most likely showing. Thanks!</p>
<p>I have never been in this situation before, so take my advice with a grain of salt.</p>
<p>If I were in this situation, I would send a casual email (or maybe phone call) and say something like: “I recently found out I’m pregnant, and I’m wondering if this will affect me being successful in the program? I am dedicated to earning my degree, and am not looking for special treatment, but will I be offered any leniency when it comes to doctors appointments, etc?”</p>
<p>I’m not positive, though. It also depends on how close you are with your adviser.</p>
<p>Many students in grad school are at an age when pregnancy is a common choice, and almost every program has or has had pregnant students in the past. Do you have a departmental or general graduate student advisor? If so, I’d shoot them an email as soon as you’re comfortable with just telling them the situation, and, like abby12490 said, state that you’re still absolutely committed to the program, but clearly you will need some time off after the birth. They’ll probably work with you on making a modified class schedule (you’ll probably take only a few or possibly no classes this year depending on timing and make them up in years 2-3.). Once you have a general idea of how things will play out, let your PI know. The first year or two tend to be a little crazy anyway, balancing lab work and class work, getting your equipment ready, making reagents, figuring out what the hell is going on… It’ll probably take you an extra year to graduate, but it really all comes out in the wash.</p>
<p>The first two years of most US PhD programs are extremely demanding on students time and energy. Young, fit, healthy students with zero non-school responsibilities are frequently pushed to the limits of their abilities to endure stress, deal with sleep issues and manage time. PhD students who plan pregnancies usually do so <em>after</em> successful completion of qualifying exams, i.e. only after they are officially ABD. Pregnancy and caring for an infant during the coursework and qualifying exam period is almost certainly going to negatively impact your capacity to perform during the critical early phase of your program.</p>
<p>You really need to let your program know ASAP. Your adviser will be able to work out from your delivery date that you knew all along and failed to disclose. This is not going to endear your adviser once s/he’s worked it out.</p>
<p>I don’t think that you’re in an impossible situation, but you are in a very difficult situation and you’re going to need a lot of special help from your department/adviser to get through this. If they can’t or won’t make accommodations for your change in family status, you need to find out ASAP, not halfway through your first year.</p>
<p>TAing until right up to your due date? Studying for qualifying exams with an infant who won’t let you get 4 hours of sleep a night? If you can pull that off, more power to you! I would be overwhelmed…</p>
<p>If I were on your shoes, I would defer enrollment for a year. That would get you over the roughest patch. Then you need to think about resources: Do you have enough money to raise a child in graduate school? Do you have the practical assistance of another person living nearby (e.g. baby daddy or your parents)? Does your school provide you with practical assistance (daycare facilities, family housing, etc)? Or are you completely on your own?</p>
<p>Oh dear, I would <em>definitely</em> not send that email in abby12490’s message, especially if you haven’t met your advisor yet.</p>
<p>There have been plenty of women who have a baby while getting a PhD, even in the early stages; I know women who have started PhDs after having had children. It’s like having a baby while working a demanding job. It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. Sure, PhD students who successfully planned their pregnancies usually do it for the dissertation phase, but life doesn’t always work out that way and you have to deal with what you are handed. You may have to go more slowly, but it can be done. There is a woman in my cohort who had her first child while we were still in coursework and the second one during qualifying exams. My program is also female-dominated, so lots of the women have babies, and not all of them waited until after coursework. Most of them are still here; in fact, the people who left generally didn’t have children.</p>
<p>Personally, my advice in this situation is to sound as confident as you can. If you send an email asking if it will affect your success, your advisor may assume that it will or at least pick up on your uncertainty in an unfavorable way. I also disagree with having to tell her ASAP; there’s no reason for that. It’s not like she has to do anything to prepare, first of all, and second of all, it’s your life and your body. You’re not obligated to share the information immediately with anyone, least of all your advisor. You can wait until you are comfortable, and the only kind of advisor who is going to be upset with you for not sharing as soon as you knew is an advisor you don’t want anyway.</p>
<p>I would tell her in person, when you arrive on campus. Let her know that you are pregnant, but don’t ask her whether it will affect your success, and don’t ask if you will be offered leniency because you can schedule your doctor’s appointments around your class schedule and meetings. Come up with a plan, then tell her your plan - you still plan to TA first semester and take classes, but second semester maybe you will take a reduced courseload. Ask for her help in shaping the specifics of this plan. You may not yet be eligible for FMLA leave at your university but you can find out how flexible she is willing to be with you at this meeting, especially regarding working in the lab during spring semester. You don’t need to act like this is a huge inconvenience to her or be apologetic about it; it’s your life.</p>
<p>If you get to second semester and it doesn’t work the way you want it to, you can take a leave of absence and return.</p>