Stay at Home Sons...

Parent Cafe
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<p>I agree with you musicamusica. I also think that students and parents need to not expect that one’s first job is necessarily in the area they majored in. If anyone is waiting to move out of the family home until they get that job, well it may take a while. </p>

<p>I have a friend who was an actor and eventually became a professor of theater but he made money and paid his rent doing data entry for many years which paid very well. He worked graveyard shift. It wasn’t a job that even needed a college degree.</p>

<p>In this economy, a person must get work where ever the jobs are and not put their life on hold waiting.</p>

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<p>Love it, mythmom. Believe me, I know more than one woman or man who stayed in a horrible marriage because the alternative was to go back to living with mom and dad. </p>

<p>My son, after being with us for one day when school let out, said, I’m going back to (college town). I’m still waiting for him to make good on his word.</p>

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<p>Regarding learning to pay bills on time, there isn’t a definitive correlation between living with parents and not. </p>

<p>Rather, it’s a mix of personality and what one’s priorities/values are. I’ve known far too many “independently living” people who flake out on their bills/responsibilities and conversely…plenty of folks who continued to live at home and are so responsible/conscientious about such matters that I wouldn’t think twice about loaning them a large chunk of cash. </p>

<p>This isn’t helped by the fact I know of plenty of young adults “living independently” in nice NYC apartments/condos who are being mostly/entirely subsidized by their parents. In short, another form of the worst type of “staying at home”…</p>

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<p>@Mythmom - I know you’re not a snob. Heck, here in WV I’m considered a snob (or at least an oddity) because I have my MA and have spent all my life in our metropolitan areas and not up “hollers.”
@Montegut - I know a lot of people, particularly women, who went into horrible marriages right out of high school to “get out of the house.” And when those marriages ended, some of those people felt fortunate to be back with Mom and Dad. A tough lesson to learn, but a valuable one.</p>

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<p>footballmom104: HahI once made a dinner for an entire holler just based on zucchini. We were housesitting for a house with a veggie garden, and the garden yielded some much zucchini we didn’t know what to do.</p>

<p>I got this idea from the beginning of Pynchon’s GRAVITY’S RAINDOW when he describes this very fantastical meal based solely on bananas – a breakfast. Well, here are the dishes I had with only zucchini:</p>

<p>Zucchini salad (sliced zucchini with lemon juice, olive oil, fresh basil)
Zucchini soup (chilled)
Zucchini bread
Zucchini lasagna
Zucchini moussaka
Zucchini pie (zucchini used as apples just cooked shorter)</p>

<p>We invited the entire holler. It was a hoot and a holler and spoken of for years to come.</p>

<p>Alas and alack, that was 32 years ago. TEMPIS FUGIT!</p>

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<p>Regardless of what one thinks of adult children living with their parents, I would be willing to bet the numbers of them actually pulling their own weight with regard to all expenses are exceedingly rare.</p>

<p>Different families/cultures think differently about this. I would even say it could be regional/era influenced. When I came of age, I lived with my parents for 3 months. The entire time I was counting the minutes to being self sufficient-it was nothing against my parents, I just felt by that age, I should be on my own. Most of my friends already were living on their own. I worked two jobs to make that happen. And there was a mutual expectation that I was working toward that goal. Parents in my area, at that time, in our socioeconomic strata would not have seen it as doing something good for your kids to encourage anything but working towards independence, even if that meant the kids would have a lower standard of living by doing so; it was expected that it would take time to build up to that, not that you would have a seamless transition. I would have missed out on a lot of wonderful (and challenging as well) times had I lived with my parents until I married. But having some minor struggles financially (which I overcame) was also a good growing experience. I really enjoyed the lifestyle of being a young professional, having roommates, and then going on to live alone for a couple of years while I took care of all my own expenses and needs. It gave me a wonderful sense of accomplishment to do that and know that I never needed to depend upon a man to take care of me. Not everyone wants or feels they need that. Many cultures foster the notion of being in the nest until marriage, and even beyond.</p>

<p>Times have changed, circumstances are different, the economy is in turmoil, etc. There is no one correct answer, though I wouldn’t change a thing about my own experience. My approach with my own kids will probably fall in the middle of the various scenarios being discussed here. I doubt my kids will be completely independent as early as I was. But I do want my Ds to have at least a couple of years of total independence before they join forces and finances with another. </p>

<p>I actually have found this thread very interesting.</p>

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<p>Hey, I loved my little rat trap apartment! It was mine.</p>

<p>We didn’t have rats, but once we saw a mouse, set a trap, and then freaked out when it actually worked and killed the mouse. My roommate and I argued over who should pick it up and take it out. In the end, she called her boyfriend, who drove 40 minutes to our place to throw out a mouse. That’s when I knew they were probably going to end up getting married, and also knew that maybe saying we were “100% self sufficient” wasn’t exactly true. Within 6 months, she had moved in with him and I had to find an even smaller little rat trap apartment. This time I picked a brand spanking new complex, so even though it was right under a large international airport, no critters. :D</p>

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Sheesh! 32 years ago,* I* was the one in college! ;-)!</p>

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<p>I loved it too. My only point in describing my early marriage is that I didn’t have to go it alone.</p>

<p>I think it sad that I detested my parents’ house so much that prostitution would probably have been preferable to me.</p>

<p>I do think it a shame that these kids require so much comfort, and we could deny it to them, yes, but my D is paying back a substantial loan and all her expenses (car insurance, phone, etc.) from her nanny salary, and if she prefers to put up with me rathr than a rat trap I’m not going to say no.</p>

<p>On the other hand, as the Times article suggests, Ding dong the witch is dead, and the witch was a gaping generation gap that those my age probably experienced more than people a bit younger. All the guys I knew were kicked out of their houses for their long hair and shook in their shoes as draft numbers were called out for a war devised by an older generation that they felt treated them like canon fodder. Women were disowned by being sexual or dating guys outside their ethnic group.</p>

<p>My parents’ movies, music, values were completely different from mine, whereas my kids and I share more than any of us do with our friends.</p>

<p>Both my kids are going into my profession. I’m a little upset about that, only because it is being destroyed, and I’m not sure they will find a place for themselves. But it is a testament that they want to live the kind of life I did, which is part of why they enjoy living here.</p>

<p>My own parents? Not so much. It was a world of Suzie Creamcheese, horror at crab grass, worrying about what neighbors said and no really allowed self-expression.</p>

<p>I’m so lucky I had someone to set up shop with. The relationship ended 10 years later, but by then I was surely an adult. </p>

<p>I never had to live with my parents after I turned 17 and all three of us were thrilled about that.</p>

<p>I would hate it if I had that relationship with my kids.</p>

<p>It may take them a bit longer to grow up, true. But honestly, I didn’t have such a secure a foundation as I hope they will have.</p>

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<p>It is an interesting thread. Among my D’s friends, I see all kinds of scenarios. She has some wealthy friends from h.s. who will never have to pay their own way. One couple told me years ago they will buy their D a house in her name only, and make the future SIL sign a pre-nup. This was while our kids were in 10th grade. She spent fall semester in Florence, and liked it so much she went back for summer session, all paid for by mommy and daddy. Another of D’s h.s. friends just got back from study abroad in Rome, and spent a weekend at home before going to NY for a summer class at Parsons, all paid for by mommy and daddy. Both young ladies go to private U’s, and have unlimited spending budgets. I just wonder how they would live if they had to pay for any of these things themselves. They never will, of course, unless something unthinkable happens.
My D’s college friends are different. Most of them have to take out loans, and are expected to pay the parents back for the study abroad trip,etc. Needless to say, they have paid internships/jobs for the summer. They think my D is spoiled because we haven’t made her take out loans.
My kid is somewhere in the middle- we are paying for her college, happy to do so, but expect her to work and contribute. She did a study abroad semester, but that’s it for the college travel budget. She is working two jobs this summer. We don’t want to set up unrealistic life expectations by sending her on multiple trips abroad and indulging every shopping whim. We won’t try to control her marriage by buying her a house while making the SIL sign a pre-nup. We are easing her towards independence.</p>

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<p>^ Those poor future SILs. If a future spouse’s parent ever made me do anything that drastic as a condition of marrying their child, I’d run. One, because my future spouse doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to their parents. Two, because I wouldn’t want that kind of influence on my children (their grandchildren). </p>

<p>The idea that you have so much money that you need to sign a pre-nup is just beyond comprehension to me.</p>

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<p>Would it bother you if a prospective DIL told your son she wanted him to sign a pre-nup, if it came from her?</p>

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<p>^ A woman telling a future spouse that she wants a pre-nup? No, that wouldn’t bother me because it’s coming from within the couple, not from outside of the couple. I don’t like parental interference. </p>

<p>Again though, I cannot imagine having that amount of money where a pre-nup would ever be necessary.</p>

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<p>roman, I think you mean that you dont think most young people have that type of money, not that you can not imagine it. I suspect what will become more likely is when one prospective spouse has huge student debt and the other does not.</p>

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<p>I can’t imagine a 20+ year old having the future thought all on their own to ask for a prenup. Prenups are something a wealthy parent or lawyer would suggest because they are more money aware.</p>

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<p>OK, Lakemom, so if parent suggests it, but 21+ acts on their own, that is not right? Are parents not allowed to suggest? btw, my DD understands this quite well.</p>

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<p>I was mostly responding to romanigypsyeyes. I have no problem with parents suggesting one but it would be naive to say that they had the idea on their own as romanigypsyeyes indicated.</p>

<p>Many investment decisions eg Roth IRAs are not something young people think about.</p>

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<p>No. I mean that I can’t imagine it. I cannot imagine having that type of money. </p>

<p>I lived with my very wealthy family in California for a while. I know that people have that type of money. I know several that do. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to have so much money that you’d need a pre-nup. I’ve never personally had that much money and during the brief time I spent with them, I still never experienced what it was like to have money. </p>

<p>And I didn’t say that most young couples would think of it. I have no problem if a parent “suggests” it. I have a problem with MAKING a future DIL or SIL sign it as though it was some kind of condition of marriage. My parents have made lots of suggestions about what I should do before I get married. My boyfriend’s family has made plenty of suggestions about how we should get married or what we should do. That I have no problem with.</p>

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<p>Roman, how exactly could a parent “make” a child old enough to get married sign a prenup? If the prospective spouse can legally get married, I dont see that. Do you mean if parents “influence” their child, for example by saying if you do not get prenup, we are not impressed with your ability to manage money, and you wont get more?</p>

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<p>@romanigypsyeyes, I would imagine those suggestions weren’t about large amount of money. You might ask a few of those wealthy folks you know what they guide their kids to do if it is money from the kids estate that is paying for a house. I don’t know what houses go for in Michigan but in Calif, it can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars for a nothing house.</p>