<p>Tuition bill arrived. Wondering whether to pay it or tell D to stay home again (work or attend a local college) until her mental health improves. Long story short. D was an extremely capable HS student. Started experiencing depression as a HS senior. After lots of therapy, D said she was ready to attend top notch, far away LAC. Freshman year was psychologically very hard for her. Came home shaken to the core. From a school standpoint, she dropped one class and got Bs and one C in the rest (not terrible, not good.) </p>
<p>We suggested (and she agreed) that she stay home for the first semester of her Sophomore year. Lots of therapy. Antidepressants. Attended local college part time. D seemed better and went back to the LAC for the second semester of her Sophomore year. Academically, she had a very, very hard time focusing. Despite the aid of an excellent therapist, she ended up with two incomplete classes, one D, one B. (D stays on transcript even if she takes the class again.)</p>
<p>Over this summer, she tapered back a bit on the antidepressant and is working to complete her incomplete classes. Works part time. Seems sort of o.k., but doesnt always follow through on stuff. </p>
<p>D wants to go back to LAC for her Junior year. Her friends are there. She likes the place. Says she THINKS she will be better able to focus on school this coming year, but cant explain why this will be the case. Doesnt want to transfer to another school and, given her grades and incompletes, thinks it would be hard to convince another school to take her (despite her pretty extraorindary HS record and SATs). Doesnt have any solid academic plans. Still hasnt declared a major (indecisive). </p>
<p>My worry is that D is exhausting her college fund, earning lousy grades, and undermining her long-term plan to attend grad school (in some to be determined field). D says she is better. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>Mom, why not let your D take the reins here? The two of you can put your heads together and come up with a plan for next semester; D will need to talk to a Dean of some sort to see if she can enroll half time or put together an academic schedule which is manageable; D will need to contact the out of town therapist to talk about what she's planning and get feedback; call the bursar's office to find out the "drop dead" date by which point there are no refunds allowed, etc. If she can take the initiative and actually follow through on all the steps required to re-enroll then my inclination would be to let her try. If she can't handle the sequence of phone calls and emails and follow ups required to get her incompletes finished, to re-enroll, etc. then you have your answer, don't you????</p>
<p>What does therapist say about going back?</p>
<p>I had very diffferent situation with one of my kids but I'll tell you what I told him.... "No point in worrying about grad school right now. I can guarantee you that there's only one thing that will keep you out of grad school... and that's never finishing undergrad. So let's focus on developing a plan that has you completing a BA before we get ahead of ourselves." I had to repeat myself about 20 times every time there was a Plan B presented.... but you get my point! Keep her healthy; help her stay on track; much more important than grad school right now!</p>
<p>I'm uncomfortable handing the decision to D in view of the major expense involved and the unsuccessful last semester at the LAC.</p>
<p>At a minimum, I'd want to hear more about what happened that term, and why those incompletes are, apparently, still not finished up and graded. Perhaps I am missing something, but I've not seen anything here yet that would give me good reason to think that Fall '08 would be any different from Spring '08.</p>
<p>I'm wondering if there could be a sort of halfway house plan, such as attend local college but live on campus. Something that would allow D the chance to prove herself worthy to return to LAC but would not take the psychological and financial risk of sending her far away to a very challenging environment after the experience of Spring '08.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, D wasn't straight with us regarding her problems last semester. So, I don't have confidence that she will let us (or the dean know) if she starts to crumble again. And schools don't send deficiency notices. . .We looked into tuition insurance and may buy it, but it only reimburses 60 percent of costs (because the nature of my D's problem is psychological). Complicating things even more, D says she plans to compete on a varsity sports team and continue with a demanding communty service project. . ..I just don't have faith that she is being realistic about her time and ability to focus. In terms of therapists, she hasn't seem one all summer. The last two times I consulted with her previous therapist, however, the therapist was supportive of the idea of her going to college -- optimism that turned out to be misplaced. Believe me, I desparately want to believe that D will do o.k, but am worried about her judgement. I also worry that she might exhaust her college fund before graduating.</p>
<p>To clarify about the two incompletes, the classes aren't formally completed because D must take makeup finals in September at her college. She says she has done all the studying necessary to take one final and is about 1/2 way through the studying necessary to take the other. Over the summer, she has studied about 1-2 hours per day, worked 2-3 hours a day, and exercised 1-2 hours per day. She isn't slacking, but nor is she showing signs of great, focused energy.</p>
<p>This kind of problem really goes beyond message-board advice. It doesn't seem like your daughter is getting much out of college except as a place to hang out, play, and volunteer with friends. That's a very expensive little resort. But staying home doesn't seem likely to do her much good either. And I am bothered by some of the grace notes in this account. She has a "long-term plan" to go to graduate school? Doesn't sound like it. Is that the mother or the daughter talking? She hasn't seen a therapist all summer, and the family faces a major financial bet? Has anyone talked to the college about what they might recommend? (College deans probably have a much better sense of the range of possibilities here than most therapists.)</p>
<p>Honestly, I would want her to find something to do that would involve engagement, work, and fellowship, but not college. City Year. A mission. The Army. She's not getting what she's supposed to out of college. She shouldn't spend her way out of the chance to go back someday and do her last two years right. But vegging at home -- essentially what she's doing -- seems like not such a good idea, either.</p>
<p>The family really needs to engage with professionals about this.</p>
<p>Aside from the Army suggestion (which she would need a waiver for anyway) I agree with JHS -
I think she needs to "earn" her way back to college.</p>
<p>I too am really troubled by the absence of therapy this summer. That surely does not show commitment to overcoming previous problems. And a varsity sport? That is a demanding enterprise for even the most focused and committed college student. And on top of that, community service and a track record of less than candid reporting? </p>
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I just don't have faith that she is being realistic about her time and ability to focus.
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<p>This imo is an understatement.</p>
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the therapist was supportive of the idea of her going to college -- optimism that turned out to be misplaced.
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<p>Imo don't rely on the therapist's judgment again.</p>
<p>In post #6 I am hearing OP say that the LAC is not a good idea for D. I agree with that assessment. Perhaps D could be allowed to return to take those finals, earn some reasonable grades and see her friends. This would give D a chance to begin to get her house in order. But imo she has to do a lot more than finish up two classes to justify the psychological and financial risk of the LAC.</p>
<p>BCE91, yes the antidepressant may be muting the helpful kind of anxiety, making her less responsive. She did cut back on the meds, but has not been interested in attempting to go off of them. In terms of therapy, she hasn't gone this summer, saying that she wanted to "take a break." Grad school (in something TBD) is her dream. In thinking some more about her Freshman grades, I may have understated them slightly. Overall, however, I think her average was a low B. I know she dropped one class. </p>
<p>Yes, we probably need to go into some form of counseling to iron this issue out. It is helpful to hear some commonsense responses from others, though.</p>
<p>Never in a million years did we think we would be faced with this dilemna. Thanks.</p>
<p>Some ad medications can cause drowsiness and sleep problems. You mentioned that she's spending between 4 and 7 hours working out, working and studying but that this isn't focused. It sounds like a moderately busy schedule. It must take some amount of focus to work out for one to two hours a day.</p>
<p>I would have a lot of problems returning a child to school remotely in this situation.</p>
<p>Kids who go through some ups and downs can still get into grad school, even with Cs, Ds, and Ws on their transcript. This is provided they learn and change along the way, provided the ride on the ups and downs of life's roller coaster allow them to mature. After that they will need to prove themselves worthy of the risk, no grad prof wants to take on some one who is not ready to be there.</p>
<p>Bad first two years, take a break, turn it around, finish strong, good candidate. Bad first two years, keep flailing, keep struggling, not such a good condidate.</p>
<p>Maybe a year off of school to learn more about herself- coach her sport, volunteer in her area, do research at a local uni, volunteer with a shelter, at a hospital, whatever to allow her both to have an interest in other, to remind her why people thought she was so great in HS and to achieve.</p>
<p>When a bright kid has tossed away her dream- like Ws & Cs, which are a huge deal to a successful HS kid, they need to re-earn their self-belief. A small raise at a lousy job can help, being recognised as a true quality volunteer, As in CC classes, all these silly little things can get her back on track with self confidence such that she will be able to perform again to her standards in the LAC situation with no direct family support.</p>
<p>If she does not go back as a full time student, does she have health insurance? Something to think about. </p>
<p>You are in a tough position. Does she know what her grades will be once the incompletes are completed? Is there a less competitive local school that she could attend, and could she be full time, but start by taking just 12 credits? I would not have her overload with competitive sports. If she has extra time on her hands, she could always work a few hours as long as grades are not compromised, or do some volunteer work.</p>
<p>Honestly, try a different antidepressant...I have friends who, on things like Zoloft and Prozac, found that their motivation and drive peaced out. Things like Wellbutrin seem not to have quite the same bad effects...</p>
<p>It seems like your daughter is not ready for independent living - especially not far away at a LAC.</p>
<p>If I was plopped into the middle of your situation, I would have my daughter find a local state school or CC and complete her BA there. She needs a place that is close to home (perhaps even living with parents) and inexpensive - so if she is doing poorly in her classes, it is not destroying her and your finances along the way. </p>
<p>This would be non-negotiable at this point for our family. Someone needs to get realistic about the daughter's mental health limitations and the financial limitations as well. The parent needs to lead this part of the decision making process - at least in terms of saying "no" to being far away and the expense of a private school.</p>
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Someone needs to get realistic about the daughter's mental health limitations
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<p>I guess my question would be, does the physician prescribing the antidepressants know that she is not in therapy this summer? Many physicians will only continue to refill meds with the condition that the person commits to therapy. I realize she's of age, and the physician can't talk to you about her situation without her permission, but there could be a lack of communication between her and the prescribing doc, who thinks she's doing therapy. Just a thought.</p>
<p>It must be hard to be in this dilemma. Seeking professional advice seems like a good idea. </p>
<p>I may be going beyond what is appropriate for this discussion, but I wonder if your D may have some attention issues. Attention Deficit Disorder is common, and some of the manifestations include the inability to focus, to organize and follow through, to complete work, etc. Depression can cause the same symptoms as well. Evaluation by an expert professional may be helpful.</p>
<p>I like somemom's ideas. Have you thought about a "gap"-type year? Perhaps your D needs more time to mature before tackling college further. Getting involved in a great project, program, volunteer work, etc might be helpful for a year or so. This would give you all time to sort out some of the issues.</p>
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The more I think about it the sadder it makes me. Get Bs, not live up to everyone's expectations- get told you have to see a therapists and be put on drugs.
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<p>Wow... that's kind of harsh. If it were just an issue of getting Bs and the parents being upset, then I'd agree. But the OP was very clear in her first post that her daughter had a history of being an extremely capable high school student, one obviously motivated and intelligent enough to get into a top-notch LAC. Then depression set in before she was even out of high school. </p>
<p>College may not provide the structure that she needs at this point in her life. It's always wise to examine and scrutinize someone's behavior when it's a drastic change that hasn't been adequately explained or treated. The daughter seems to have unrealistic expectations of her limitations and could set herself up for more failure if she returns with goals of adding more activities and responsibilities. The family needs a therapist to help negotiate how this next year should play out, and what the consequences could be if she doesn't follow through.</p>