Stay home or go to college -- mental health worries

[dbwes]

<p>Your D is young and she has not experienced depression for years, so perhaps she will not be on the meds long-term. But I still find it interesting that she seemed to be doing better on the meds/with therapy and so wants to immediately take a break/cut back on both. It is no shame to need therapy or meds to help her function. We would never tell someone with diabetes to cut back on their treatment when they thought they were better!</p>

<p>There are many, many anti-depressant choices. Your D needs to work with her doctor to find one that does not make her sleepy. Anxiety does not make you productive! Feeling good does! Perhaps she does not really know what it feels like to feel any other way -- maybe she has been experiencing depression/anxiety longer than you think.</p>

<p>I began experiencing depression/anxiety in my teens and didn't really begin addressing it productively until my forties. I AM NOT saying that will happen to your D, but I would encourage her to continue both forms of treatment until she is REALLY better. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD.</p>

[Georgiatwins]

<p>Lots of very thoughtful, and as per CC, kind and empathic advice. I would be concerned about trying to return to school with her current situation AND play a varsity sport. Varsity sport participation, even in D3 schools, often requires several hours a day in the "off season-which sounds like more than D could handle. Sounds like your D might benefit from a "second look" at he type of medication she takes, more intensive, regular therapy and an organized gap year. Agree with prior posts that students can often have difficult initial years in school, take a break, and with a different perspective, find themselves the second time around. I totally agree with last line of dbwes post! Bless you, your D and your family.</p>

[MidwestMom2Kids_1]

<p>In my opinion, she should not go to a faraway city in her current condition. I like the idea of a nearby college, with a dorm room there if that is what she wants.</p>

[momofgrowingkids]

<p>Hello again. Your comments (and private messages) have been very helpful. I will be talking with my D about this matter over the coming days. We need to come to some decision</p>

<p>Personally, I like the idea of a nearly college or some kind of gap program. My husband, however, is sold on my D's perspective that she is "all better now." He thinks that suggesting that she NOT go back to her LAC would "crush her" after all her work to get better. He also thinks that I am not seeing just how much more capable she is. (For example, her part time work is as an independent sports coach/instructor. She has to advertise, meet families and athletes, and work with people one on one. She has done pretty well, usually booking two to three hours of work a day and charging a not-bad-for-a-college-student rate. She shows up on time and seems to get excellent reviews.) I also see this progress, but am not convinced that she is ready to go back to a far away top LAC, study, compete at a varsity level and do intensive community service when, last semester, she had problems waking up to attend classes. Oh how I wish this were easier.</p>

[annikasorrensen]

<p>I would tell your husband that your daughter is succeeding while she is HOME, NOT in school (summer break), and in a "safe/supportive" environment. It is too soon to think that she can transfer a few weeks of this balance back to the chaotic and pressure filled environment of her LAC.</p>

<p>Yes, your daughter may feel very sad/crushed about not going back to the LAC. The LAC, however, is not an environment of learning for her - it has been an environment of failing. Sending her back to the LAC, in my opinion, would be most likely setting her up for <em>another</em> semester of failure - which would be just as crushing.</p>

<p>I am not about protecting an adult child from disappointments... there are disappointments no matter what route is chosen. Going back to LAC does have a high chance of not working out. Staying at home has no guarantees, either. BUT, at home, there are more safety nets - close to parents, inexpensive schooling options, more ability to encourage her to continue with therapy and medication if needed.</p>

<p>I would want to set my daughter up in a situation where she is more likely to succeed. She may need a gap year or two to get her head on straight so she can get excited about local college and local opportunities. That's okay. Who says a child needs their BA by age 22? What's the rush? Going local can make it possible to slow down and accomidate the emotional growth needed for your daughter to succeed in all areas of life. I think the laser focus on getting her degree NOW and at <em>the</em> LAC is blinding your husband to all the other goods that can happen by slowing down and taking an alternative path.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

[rainbowwings11]

<p>Love how its here take a pill and then ignoring the numerous side affects of those pills, like a hard time waking up and then blaming the poor girl.</p>

<p>Think the OP needs to look at some of the outside parts of this puzzle beyond just what her D is or is not doing- depression doesn't happen in a bubble. And it just irks me to no end how easily we assume mother has done all the right things and hasn't done anything to add to the issues this girl has.</p>

<p>As well, so what she was a star in highschool. College can be hard, and its okay to flounder a bit. Having everyone put pressure on you to continue to be pressured to live up to your amazingness, though you are surrounded by the cream of the crop. Read the OPs other posts, its all about prestige. </p>

<p>No wonder this girl has so many issues.</p>

<p>If I was here, I would get away from that family any way I could- they just want to medicate me and then ignore the side effects.</p>

<p>I am one to not always take the parents side when I see a kid struggling but somehow managing.</p>

<p>Sometimes parents have created part of the problem and need to see that. They aren't blameless. And I am a mother.</p>

[somemom]

<p>Having had a kid that hit a rough bump in her path, I would say that screwing up makes them doubt themselves, any one who has made some mistakes needs to rebuild confidence. The timing of that and depth of need for each person is different, but the girl here needs to rebuild herself back to full strength before jumping in the deep water.</p>

<p>For example, my DD is a late night person, but her first job back home was early morning. For several weeks I checked every single morning to make sure she was up for work, I did not wake her up, but I double checked, because she was not quite herself yet. A few times I had to wake her up, but if I had let her oversleep, getting fired would not have helped her. </p>

<p>After a couple of months I stopped checking all the time, though still did sometimes, when I sensed the need. In retrospect, I can see that there was a time when everything just meshed and I simply no longer felt the need to double check at all, on anything. During the rebuilding phase I checked often in many areas to make sure DD was on the right path back to being herself. Hey, I have known her all her life, I know what the real her is llike and I know the overloaded and overwhelmed her that is crashing.</p>

<p>I did not step in soon enough when I sensed a problem and my DD had to hit her own bottom (and every one's bottom is different, but it all relates to not living up to your own expectations for yourself- it can be a B, a C, a D, an F, A W, not being chosen for an honor, etc; in other words it may not look like failure to the world for it to feel like failure to your kid, especially your bright, successful kid, so it does not have to seem like an earth-shattering issue for it to shatter their self-confidence) </p>

<p>In talking years later, DD and I agreed that she is strong willed enough it really worked best for her to hit her bottom otherwise she would not have accepted my interference.</p>

<p>I definitely sensed when DD was back to her normal self. I just stopped worrying so much and she just felt like herself, it was a gut thing. Manly, for any one whose bright successful kid goes off the expected path and is depressed about it, perhaps not clinically depressed, but merely situationally depressed about the choices they made, those kids can, esp with family support, re-earn self-respect via small steps</p>

[Mombot]

<p>momofgrowingkids--I really empathize with your dilemma here. It must be really tough right now.</p>

<p>I have to say I think your instincts are telling you something, and that something is very painful and difficult. Your husband's attitude concerns me--like if he wishes hard enough, the depression will just magically go away. </p>

<p>I think the focus needs to be on your daughter's long term mental health. College will always be there. It is not fair to her or to your family's pocketbook or frankly to you and your husband to send her back unless you are confident that she has the maturity and perspective to manage her mental health independently.</p>

<p>Depression is like diabetes--it can be managed, but it requires commitment and maturity and a real acceptance of the fact that no matter what you do you have to be on top of your disease and not ignore symptoms. Frankly it sounds like your daughter has some work to do in that area before she is ready to take on independent living, education AND mental health management.</p>