steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Feedback Thread

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I've noticed recently that many posters are seeking feedback/scores for their essays, but few posters respond to those threads. Those posters that do respond often don't read the essay very closely and/or don't give solid, informed advice to the essay writers. Hopefully, this thread will remedy the problem to some extent.</p>

<p>How this works: Very simple. You post a prompt and a corresponding essay written by you. I will read it within 48 hours and respond to your essay with a score, 2-3 strengths, and 2-3 weaknesses/areas to work on. </p>

<p>Hopefully, this will be a good way improve the essay writing of various members in the SAT Preparation Board. Go ahead and start submitting your essays!</p>

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<p>Wow thank you very much steamedrice. I saw you helped me out a lot in the other thread. This is very amiable of you. :)</p>

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<p>I love you</p>

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<p>Awesome, you have many practice test takers' well-deserved thanks! You've given me some excellent advice before, and it is very generous of you to donate your time like this. :)</p>

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<p>"No progress is possible without sacrifice" </p>

<p>It has been illustrated both in history and literature that sacrifice is inevitable for there to be progress. In the early colonial periods, European nations burgeoned, but at the price of hundreds of thousands of enslaved african americans and Native americans in tobacco plantations. In Literature, such as "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair, it has been demonstrated that success is illusory without some form of sacrifice- Whether it be sacrificing ones leisure or in many cases- health. </p>

<p>In the period of exploration during the 16th century, european countries sought to acquire new territories for world dominance. The sucess of a myriad of explorers and conquistadores (Christopher columbus, hernan Cortez) resulted in the exploitation of native settlers in the america-who were forced into servitude- and the fall of great civilizations such as the mayans and the incas; All for the sake of european expansion. </p>

<p>Countries across the globe have at some point undergone drastic political and economical changes. These changes are often induced by the desire for a more stable and prosperous economy- for progress. In china, the "Great leap forward" is exemplary of a states desire for "progress", but that resulted in a series of laws that dramatically encumbered the lives of ordinary people. Metal was to be melted at noon, and people were to obey every command of the new communist regime. Some asked "for what reason"? National pride and progression of course. </p>

<p>In the Jungle, the protagonist Jugris and his wife Ona emigrated from Lithuania to the United States, in search of the "American Dream". Their dream gradually dissipated as they came to face the horrors of the chicago stockyards puppeteer by corrupt political leaders. They wanted to make money, to progress. However, their attempt at social progress and financial success led to the death of Ona, whose health deteriorated in the days when she toiled day after day for under minimum wage.</p>

<p>There is an famous conundrum "No pain, No gain", which has become evident in history that gain is impossible with sacrifice. In the Jungle, Jugris often declared "I will work harder"! in the face of adversity- But at what costs? </p>

<p>Thanks again steamedrice.</p>

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<p>^Really appreciate this steamed rice!
All the reviews steamed rice gives are REALLY accurate and comprehensive. This guy knows what he's talking about.</p>

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<p>Hi Quix,</p>

<p>I believe this essay would be scored an 8-9. Another quick summary of the strengths and weaknesses of this essay here:</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Very well-chosen examples. "The Jungle" and the Great Leap Forward are both examples that are famous and highly appropriate, but not overused. Well done here.</p>

<p>+Again, some good efforts at sophisticated sentence structure and vocabulary use. I would be careful, however; some places punctuation was used incorrectly. For example, the semicolon is used incorrectly here: "The sucess of a myriad of...as the mayans and the incas; All for the sake of european expansion." I would google and take a quick review of semicolon and dash usage. Also check your vocabulary use (exemplify and exemplary are two different words).</p>

<p>You can work on:
-Your introduction should be focused more on your thesis and less on your examples. The purpose of a SAT introduction is to introduce the topic and put forth a narrow, specific assertion about the topic. For a simple and easy structure to craft a strong introduction, you can consider the CABE structure.

[QUOTE]

You might want to use a simple, powerful introductory structure I call the CABE structure, standing for Contradiction-Assertion-Because-Examples. You begin with the "contradiction," presenting the opposite side of what you wish to say. Then you transition with a "however" into YOUR assertion and follow with a "because" statement that narrows down your thesis to a specific point. Then you quickly describe your examples. The key is for your thesis to be narrow and specific.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>For an example of this introductory structure, check out my post on shiomi's essay at <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p>

<p>-Add one sentence or clause to transition in between body paragraphs. This will smoothen the flow of your essay. For example: "The protagonists of Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" demonstrate that individuals as well as nations find danger in progress" to transition from China to The Jungle.</p>

<p>-Use two examples, not three. The period of exploration example is overly broad and doesn't contribute much to the argument. I would've liked to hear more about The Great Leap Forward or had a fuller conclusion. Remember, depth is far more important than breadth.</p>

<p>Let me know if you have any questions. Hope this helped!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

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<p>Im speechless. You have no idea how thankful i am. I've shown my SAT essays (similar to this one) to my english teachers, and you've just put all of them to shame. Great advice once again- Ill do my best to follow them. In my APUSH class my teacher always forced me to stick my examples into my intro, so it became a habit lol. Thanks richard, you've shown me the light.</p>

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<p>No problem! I'm glad to be of help. I think that you're a really strong writer, and you just need to get used to the format/structure for an SAT essay. With a bit of work, you'll be writing consistent 10-11 essays without problem.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.
--- Richard Bach

[/quote]
</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Is there always a gain from experiencing hardship? Plan and write you essay, blah blah blah blah blah...</p>

<p>My Essay</p>

<p>"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands." I laugh at the absurdity of this quote. Though MOST hardships make us a better person by teaching us important virtues and aspects of life, some are just pointless, unlucky mishaps that teach us nothing.</p>

<p>My twelfth grade finals were just a month away. I was proud of my work in the year. I'd received great grades on all of my projects and assignments - even in Chemistry, my most hated subject! It would be my best year in High School. It was not. Just a little over 25 days from my examination, I mysteriously developed urticaria. Not only did I look hideously like I'd been stung by an entire hive of bees, my body itched everywhere, and I scratched everywhere. Worst of all, my allergens could not be discovered successfully, and I had to be put on extremely high dosages of antihistamines. Drunk as a skunk, I sat for my tests. Obviously, I failed. Though my friends and family try to cheer me up, telling me I would later laugh at this mishap ... I doubt it. There was nothing funny about it, and there was nothing to be learned from it either. It was just a bad experience. That's all, no more and no less.</p>

<p>In Dickens' Great Expectations, the protagonist, Pip has all his expectations shattered soon after he discovers his guardian and benefactor is an exiled convict. From no fault of his own, Pip is stripped of his wealth and affluence, and soon his love. The felon, whom he begins to admire, also dies from injuries in a struggle while escaping. Pip's love, Estella, is also betrothed to Drummle, a rival. And even though she returns to Pip a little over a decade later, hr has to suffer through years of pain and misery. This cloud had no silver lining. There was no bright to Pip's suffering. It was just a bad experience.</p>

<p>In conclusion, not every problem has an advantage. Not every hardship has something to be gained from. To assume so would be foolish. Just like with my finals, and just like with Pip, some experiences in life are simply unfortunate and pointless. Nothing can be learned form them; they only serve to hurt us.</p>

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<p>awesome... im gonna post one too~~
Prompt: Are all success followed by some form of challenge?</p>

<p>Most people, if not the world, would agree that success is, at least, to a certain extent, accompanied by hindrances. Though once in a while one claims to have succeeded without any obstructions, most of time one is bound to encounter them. This notion is exemplified in history as well as in literature.</p>

<p>One compelling example serves to demonstrate this illustration. Born in 1803, Thomas Edison was destined to face challenge. Edison was fascinated by the fact that there is a way to make light bulbs burn longer. In 1834, Edison started his journey, filled with different blocks, to success. Having tried thousands of different filaments, Edison, far from abandoning his conviction of such filament, accomplished his dream when the first incandescent light-bulb burned for about fifteen minutes. Edison succeeded; he became affluent and famous, yet he could not have accomplish such feat without the companionship of challenge.</p>

<p>In Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, the protagonist, Hester Prynne, violated the sacred regulations of the Puritan society. As a result, Hester Prynne, who the society regarded with contemptuous disdain, was stigmatized with the Letter "A", representing "Adultery", on her bosom. In the long run of recovering her image in the society, Hester Prynne, though always mocked and scorned, selflessly helped the society by doing countless charities. After years of **gratutous<a href="ops%20sp">/b</a> service, Hester Prynne was known for good deeds; therefore, her **ignomious<a href="oops%20again,lol">/b</a> "Adultery" became "Able" that she was able to overcome her past and help the society. Had Hester Prynne not ignore the society's opinions, she would never succeed in regaining the society's trust.</p>

<p>It is evident that every success is accompanied by some form of hindrances.</p>

<hr>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>edit: ouch, i realized my essay is so short lol, but when i wrote it in paper, it's looks like alot.. -.-! well i think that's 1.5 pgs lol...</p>

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<p>uttaresh:</p>

<p>I believe your essay should be scored a 10. Here's a summary of the strengths and weaknesses of the essay:</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Impressive style with the semicolon and dashes, utilizing sentences of all lengths, and some amusing phrases that lend voice to the piece (drunk as a skunk).
+Both examples are fully developed and well-explained. Usually I don't recommend using personal examples, but this one was executed fairly well with the reader feeling sympathy for your hardships.</p>

<p>Work on:
-I realize that the SAT has a strict time limit, but watch the minor errors that could be caught with a cursory proofread. For example, the repetition of "It was just a bad experience" and grammar rule agreements ("make us a better person" should be "make us better people").
-Tone down the colloquialisms a bit. Some of them are used well and lend a certain voice to the essay that you don't see in many essays, but others are excessive ("I laugh at the absurdity of this quote") It's fine to sound like yourself, but you want to sound somewhat sophisticated and professional still.
-The biggest thing holding this essay back from a 11/12 is the construction of the argument. You chose the much harder side to argue, because you have to support the argument that absolutely no silver lining was present in this situation. The choice of the harder side is fine, but you need to qualify your argument or offer a minor counterexample in some way for it truly to be persuasive. For example, you could say: "some might argue that Estella's betrothal to Drummle made Pip appreciate her more in the end; however, Pip's suffering etc etc." Another solution would've been to make your argument slightly less general and say "the silver lining is insignificant compared to the negative aspects in some situations" instead of saying "the silver lining is not present."</p>

<p>Basically, you just need to toe that fine line between taking a strong stand and not oversimplifying. Adding a counterexample or tweaking the wording of your thesis would've helped tilt the essay away from oversimplifying.</p>

<p>Overall you're a really strong writer, and you can probably write 11-12 essays with some regularity. Just keep in mind the fine details of persuasive argumentation and grammar rules, as those details can make critical differences in your score on the SAT.</p>

<p>Hope this helped,
Richard</p>

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<p>Hi Ren,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay a 9-10 (though I believe it’s closer to 9). Again, a summary of the strengths and weaknesses of the essay.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Very well-chosen, well-developed examples. Both examples are extensively developed and fit well with the overall idea of the essay.
+Good effort to incorporate advanced vocabulary and sentence structure in your essay (make sure you’re familiar with the spellings of the words you use though!)</p>

<p>Work on:
-Balance your essay more. I certainly appreciate the well-developed examples (and I know the SAT essay graders would too), but I sense that you sacrificed the introduction and conclusion to develop them. You want all portions of your essay to be well-developed. For my recommendation on how to develop a strong introduction, refer to my earlier post in this topic where I responded to Quix’s essay. There, I describe the CABE formula for an introduction that both works well and can be written very quickly.
-Although not crucial, some form of a conclusion paragraph would help your essay balance as well. I generally recommend this structure for a conclusion paragraph: begin with a quick summary of your thesis and how your examples connect to the thesis, then conclude your essay with a new insight or a metaphor that will leave your readers thinking that you’re clever. For example, you could relate success and challenge to light and shadow—two elements that are inextricably intertwined with each other and follow each other wherever they go. Don’t force a conclusion if you’re running out of time, but it’s just something useful to think about.
-This is the most important area to work on. Make sure your examples are correctly, clearly, and explicitly linked back to your thesis. Take this sentence for example: “Had Hester Prynne not ignore [sic] the society's opinions, she would never succeed in regaining the society's trust.” This does NOT correctly connect back to the thesis, because it does not explicitly develop the relationship between Hester’s challenge and her success. Her act of ignoring society’s opinions alone is not the challenge. The Edison example was linked better.</p>

<p>Overall, your writing has much promise. The “meat” of the content—the examples of the body paragraphs—is excellent. Now, it’s a matter of fine-tuning and balancing the rest of the essay-from the introduction to the connections to the conclusion.</p>

<p>I hope this helped! Post here or PM me if you have any further questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

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<p>Thank you, Richard. :) </p>

<p>I'll try and work on my "colloquialisms" and choice of words.</p>

<p>I think my main problem is that I am way too slow, barely finishing the essay on time - because of which, I don't get the time to revise or read my essay.</p>

<p>Would you say I should leave time for revision and corrections, or focus on writing better the first time itself?</p>

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<p>uttaresh: </p>

<p>Don't think of yourself as "way too slow"; most people will barely finish the essay. No matter who you are, 25 minutes is not very much time to write an essay. As for the differences between revising and writing the first time, it really depends on personal preference and which one you feel more comfortable with.</p>

<p>My personal method: I think of a full sentence before I start to write. With the sentence already in my head, I can write it down on the paper without thinking too hard about it (I write kind of slow, physically speaking). As I'm writing it down, I read over that sentence to make sure nothing sounds overly out of place. This way, I normally wouldn't have to revise afterwards. </p>

<p>This might or might not work for you. You might find just leaving a few minutes for a quick readthrough is better, or skimming each paragraph after writing it is better; it's just a matter of practicing and finding your comfort zone.</p>

<p>In any case, the little grammar/style details aren't as important as putting forth a sound argument that doesn't oversimplify or overgeneralize. Work on that above all.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

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<p>ahh. thankyou! i'll take your advice and practiceo n it.
Really appreciate it. Thanks.</p>

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<p>I'm newbie here, and this is my essay. (I wrote it without time limitation; I think about 35 to 40 minutes).

[quote]

Is honesty always the best policy?</p>

<p>Truth is considered as the ultimate beauty of universe; however, I can hardly agree that “Honesty is always the best policy”. People need “white lies” to make everything simpler, moreover brighter, and this paradox reality is proved by many examples in literature and movies, which reflect the real life vividly. </p>

<p>My first support is taken from the “The Final Leaf” of O’Henri. In this touching story, Johnsy left her fate to the leaves of the ivy; she assumed that when the final leaf felt down, it would be the time she must surrender Mr. Pneumonia and go to the afterlife. However, that ivy leaf did not fall down as she had expected, but still clung on the wall with recalcitrance. This magic brought Johnsy a light of hope as well as told her how wicked she was, and then she realized that she wanted to be more steadfast than that small leaf. The transformation in her thinking and her mental created a positive change in her health, as she started to eat more and take necessary medicine. Finally, she came back to her vigorous life but also found out the truth. The old artist living in the same apartment with her had drawn a specious ivy leaf in the night the real one felt down to encourage Johnsy; consequently, he got sick and passed away after that. Obviously, though the old men deceive Johnsy, no one can blame his for his trickery but respect him more for his sacrifice.</p>

<p>Recently, movie fans all over the world rush into cinema in order to watch a phenomenon named “The Dark Knight”, and this breath-taking movie brings another exemplified evidence for my position. Near the end of the movie, Batman, who is the actual hero of Gotham, decides to pretend as an evil man and give his accomplishment of killing Joker to Harvey Dent, the Two Face man who is already dead. It is a big lie to people of Gotham; however, it gives them an optimistic faith in their government and the justice of the world, which Batman supposes to be more beneficial to Gotham. </p>

<p>I believe that everyone in this normal complicated world makes a lie at least once, even the good guy or the bad one, for different reasons and in with different purposes. In many cases, while honesty may hurt people, the fallacy makes good thing. Although people always treasure the candor, sometimes it seems to be better to look beyond the truth.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>P/S: This threat is awesome, steamedrice</p>

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<p>Hi JunnieNguyen,</p>

<p>I'd score your essay a 9-10 (closer to a 10). Here's an explanation:</p>

<p>Strengths:
+It seems that you have a solid understanding of the SAT essay structure; each portion of your essay individually (the introduction, the examples, the conclusion) is strong on its own, and you organize everything logically.</p>

<p>+Well-done on the introduction, following the contradiction-assertion-because-examples format. You clearly put forth your thesis. Try, however, (pet peeve incoming) not to use the word "prove"; it's somewhat difficult to prove anything with words alone.</p>

<p>+Good efforts to incoporate advanced vocabulary (specious, recalcitrance, candor) and common sayings ("honesty is always the best policy"). However, make sure you fully understand the language devices you use (see below).</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-It's definitely good to use more sophisticated language, but don't utilize vocabulary you don't fully understand. For the most part, words are used correctly, but a few mistakes remain. For example, "this paradox reality" should be "this paradoxical reality" and "exemplified" cannot be used as an adjective to modify "evidence" (exemplify is a verb). </p>

<p>-Try to streamline your examples and write more succinctly. Your first example especially is an excellent example but uses too many words to tell its story. Your second paragraph was a decent length; try to strive for that. This will help tremendously in your essay's readability (remember the essay graders get tired, too) and help you meet the time limit as well. Less is more, as they say.</p>

<p>-Limit the use of first person ("I believe" and "I can hardly agree"). Generally, first person is considered out of place even in a semiformal essay environment such as the SAT.</p>

<p>In general, the organizational and structural aspects of your essay are extremely good. The main things to work on would be eliminating nagging language errors by writing within your own limits and writing in a clear, concise manner. Both these should also help you with time considerations, since you'll be writing less and won't spend as long thinking of advanced wording. Practice, practice, practice!</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Feel free to PM me or post here if you have any other questions, and I'll respond as quickly as possible.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

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<p>Hi Richard,</p>

<p>I'll be posting an essay soon. Just wanted to say thanks for this thread! I read through some of your responses, and your editing work is on a professional level. Pretty amazing...What kind of background do you have in SAT education?</p>

20

<p>ASSIGNMENT:Is the most important purpose of technology today different from what it was in the past? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>The goal of technology today is to search for new methods and ideas to fulfil the needs of the modern society. In taht fashion, the goal of current research and development is no different from that of previous researchers and scientists.</p>

<p>In 1856, when Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he serendipitiously chanced upon a remarkable method to improve efficiency. People could easily contact each other without having to rely on the inefficient and slow postal system. Today's analogue is the Blackberry. Blackberry Corp. launched the Blackberry and Microsoft the Treo to enable professionals to remotely access work. The prevalence of wireless networks and the portability of handheld devices have converged to improve efficiency and productivity. In that sense, the motivation behind the spawning of the telephone and Blackberry are identical.</p>

<p>In the medical world, physician-scientists embody the same spirit that Fleming did. When Fleming discovered penicillin, he found a way to combat bacterial infections, hence saving many lives of soldiers and severely ill patients. Today, researchers at Johns Hopkins strive to a solution to a malady that afflicted many even in Fleming's era. Colon cancer strikes more than 100,000 people annually, and the JHU researchers use genetically-modified rotaviruses to target the rebel mutant colon cells. These researchers are adopting modern technology to solve a decades-old problem, much as Fleming chanced upon pencillin to eliminate Streptococcus infections.</p>

<p>A primary goal of scientists today is to find alternative sources of energy. Ever since the Industrial Revolution, Man has burnt ostentatiously large amounts of fossil fuels, resulting in massive pollution, global warming and depletion of natural resources. When Fosters invented the hydroelectric dam, he hoped to reduce pollution in his home city. Researchers in the Institute of Energy Resources are also searching for new polychlorinated compounds which can improve efficiency of solar panels and lead to cheaper solar power. They are no different from Fosters, stretching to discover a new solution to an ages-old problem.</p>

<p>In conclusion, the heart of scientific and technological inventions today is not dissimilar to that of years past. Scientists are still striving to improve efficiency and productivity, eliminate disease, and allow the world to be carbon-neutral. These basic human needs and common goals, and the quest for solutions, will endure for future centuries and have endured for centuries past.</p>