Step Parent Responsibilities

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi Folks,</p>

<p>First post here. I am aware that as the Stepmom my income and assets will be used to determine financial need for my stepkids. I am not going to get into what bull I think this is etc, as I am sure that has been mentioned.</p>

<p>We've done the math and the kids will not qualify for much, if anything, if my income and assets are included. I started saving early on for my retirment and that is what MY assets are for-- retirement. They are completely separate from other financial holdings and are not shared with DH.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, DH and the "now completely absent biomother" did nothing in terms of putting money away for the kids. </p>

<p>DH and I have two young daughters and I began socking away college money for them early on. It wasn't until then that DH started a college fund for his kids. I was shocked that they didn't alreay have one! </p>

<p>So, DH started putting money away a couple years ago for his kids, but they are nearly 16 and 14-- so there really won't be much $$ for them.</p>

<p>I don't mind helping out a little-- but I am not paying their tuition by taking out loans. </p>

<p>DH and I are considering getting a legal divorce so that I am no longer the step parent. Does anyone have experience with this? DH read somewhere that this is considered fraud, but I think that is only if it is the bioparents getting a divorce.</p>

<p>DH has talked about him taking out loans to pay for their college for which, I have made it clear that I will divorce him-- for real-- if he does that. Not part of my retirement plan. </p>

<p>I am doing what I can to put away money for our girls from the get-go. Whatever it amounts to-- that is what they get. If they need more, they will have to figure it out and I will help them figure it out--- but I am not paying for it.</p>

<p>I am sorry that neither DH nor their mom made plans for my stepkids-- but at this stage of the game, it is not my responsibility and I am not going to take it on. Like I said, I am willing to help out some-- but I'm not paying all and I am not doing any loans.</p>

2

<p>Are your retirement assets in 401K, IRA, etc? Because as I understand it they don’t count all that.</p>

3

<p>Some of my assets are in a 401K type of plan, but a big chunk is in a stock portfolio that goes up and down like a roller-coaster! I could sell and have cash fairly quickly for a good portion.</p>

4

<p>My goodness…please reread your post to “hear” what we are reading.</p>

<p>When you marry someone with kids (and they live with YOU), you should have accepted that these are your kids now…especially since the bio-mom is absent. </p>

<p>Your H needs to stand up to you a bit…you sound very domineering. If I were him, I’d say that were going to stop putting anything into the 2 little ones’ college funds and totally direct all to the older two.</p>

<p>Lady…those kids need to have the two parents who are in their home treat them like they are 100% family members…you’re treating them like …I don’t have to spell it out.</p>

1 Like
5

<p>OP’s income is still calculated into the equation. </p>

<p>Here’s how I look at it: They are your family now. I am a stepchild, and I am extremely frustrated with my stepdad’s unwillingness to pay. Is it technically his responsibility? No. But I can tell you that I will have strong feelings of resentment, and your stepkids may too. It’s not their fault their parents didn’t save. I can attest to the awful family dynamic created when there is favoritism toward the biological children. I don’t think you have to take out loans, but living more frugally as a family and contributing money from the family income would surely be a nice gesture. </p>

<p>Honestly, I feel sad for your stepkids. It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that they live in a family where they are seen as of lesser imporance than their younger siblings. </p>

<p>Make it clear to them now not to go after schools you wont be able to afford. Outline what will be in the budget, whether it’s an in state public or a private school where they can get merit money. This talk will save a lot of heartache later when they start applying. </p>

<p>You married into this family. You didn’t just marry your husband, these kids are yours now too.</p>

6

<p>You married into this family. You didn’t just marry your husband, these kids are yours now too.
I agree, I would hope that if H & I ever remarried & had a second family, that the adults would be able to act as adults & not place egocentric behavior over the needs of the children.</p>

<p>*I started saving early on for my retirment and that is what MY assets are for-- retirement. *</p>

<p>If they are in dedicated retirement accounts, the only thing that will be considered is the amount you put into them for the target year. 2011 for the 2012-2013 school year. That will be added back to income available.</p>

<p>I see that some money is not earmarked for retirement. Consider that when the younger kids are ready for college, that money is likely to be deemed to be as available for tuition as it is for the older kids.</p>

<p>DH and I are considering getting a legal divorce so that I am no longer the step parent.</p>

<p>You are going to divorce so your income won’t be considered for your step kids education?
And legalizing gay marriage is the downfall of the american family?
:confused:</p>

7

<p>I come from a blended/mixed-up/you-wouldn’t-believe-how-complicated kind of family myself, and I understand why such families often want to link parents’ finances to those of their biological children rather than their stepchildren.</p>

<p>But the people who figure out financial aid for college don’t see it that way.</p>

<p>Thirtysomething years ago, I benefited from this. My biological mother and father, who had divorced when I was nine years old, had agreed to split my college expenses, and this agreement was in no way affected by the fact that my mother remarried. During the year when I applied for college, my stepfather had a prolonged period of unemployment. My financial aid was calculated based on my mother’s and stepfather’s income, which was unusually low that year. I got a whopping need-based scholarship for my freshman year, which I did not truly need because my biological father was making good money. By the next year, my stepfather had gotten another job. That was the end of the financial aid (which I did not truly need anyway but certainly did not turn down).</p>

<p>Some people (me) win with the current setup; others (your stepchildren) lose.</p>

<p>Your stepchildren are not to blame for the screwy way that the system is set up – any more I was to blame for the unjustified need-based scholarship that I received. It is not the kids’ fault. And I think it’s up to the adults to make sure that the kids don’t suffer unnecessarily.</p>

8

<p>Step or bio, the parents have the right to set the budget for what they will pay for their children’s college. The moral responsibility is to communicate early, clearly and often what that budget will be and then move heaven and earth to ensure that the application list contains schools that work for parents and kids. The poster didn’t say she wouldn’t pay anything, so whatever the chosen amount is would be a good starting point. She could help the kids make lists, visit schools, whatever. Maybe dad should consider getting a second job for a while and make up for what he didn’t do earlier. Also, there is no shame in looking at state schools and in some states, Stafford loans plus a reasonable parental contribution can make that affordable. I have known many people who have chosen to go the state school route and they aren’t terrible people.</p>

9

<p>^I completely agree. The thing that really bothered me about this post is the blatant favoritism toward the biological children. This goes beyond money. It would be different if all children were treated equally.</p>

10

<p>Yes, and then she wonders why she is called the stepmonster.</p>

<p>Well, maybe you won’t take out loans. Maybe your husband will take out loans. It will still effect your life.</p>

<p>Yikes!</p>

<p>If you want to leave this man and his kids, then do so. but, if you live in the same home, divorced or not, your income will count AGAINST the kids.</p>

<p>Consider this: They didn’t pick you, but your income impacts their ability to get financial aid. These are your children’s siblings, whether they are your biological children or not, your children’s older siblings. If they don’t go to college, their younger siblings will see this as “cool” and an option, as well. If school isn’t important to their older siblings, it won’t be important to your biological chidren, biomom.</p>

11

<p>Poetgrl, in the OP she says she has made it clear that she will divorce her husband (for real) if he takes out loans to support his children’s education.</p>

12

<p>Please people. </p>

<p>Dh and I keep all of our financial assets separate. The only shared item is the mortgage and one vehicle. That was our decision and it has worked well.</p>

<p>I do support my stepkids-- financially and emotionally. I am the one who runs them around to their activities just as much, if not more than, their father. I financially support our household at least 50% of everthing that we pay for. </p>

<p>I also didn’t say that I am not going to contribute anything-- simply that I am not going to pay 50-100% of the tuition cost or take out loans for it. I have no problem kicking in $5K or so a year (me-- just me, not DH) but that is not going to cover tuition costs. </p>

<p>Other things that I don’t do with the money I have invested for retirement: home improvements (much needed); vacations we would like to take; buy new cars-- etc. Because it is for retirement. The only time I took money out was to make the downpayment on the house we bought.</p>

<p>Any of those extras-- we save for because guess what-- we don’t take out loans for home improvements or to buy a car. We save until we can pay for it. The only loan we have is our mortgage. We don’t have any credit card debt either. That is a decision that DH and I both made together.</p>

<p>As for our little kids, I am the only one who puts money away for their college. I am the one who pays for their activities. </p>

<p>I am sorry that so many of you are offened that I am not willing to pay 50 to 100% for my stepkids tuition. If I had met DH sooner or even had known that he didn’t have anything set-up for them, I would have contributed. As soon as I realized HE had nothing set up for them, I got him to set-up a college fund, but by the time their college fund was created, I didn’t really see the point of contributing to it because the time horizon is to close and those funds fluctuate with the market.</p>

<p>As far as the little one’s go-- yes I know my financial holdings will count against them as well. That is why I started a college fund for them early on.</p>

<p>I find it interesting that as a step parent we have no legal rights to our step kids. If anything happened to DH, his Ex could sweep in and take them-- nothing I could really do. But, when it comes to college expenses-- then we are considered a responsible party. </p>

<p>I am also trying to talk to DH and SD about looking into merit based scholarships but neither of them want to take the time. Is that also my responsibility?</p>

<p>And-- by the way, our family does support Gay marriage.</p>

13

<p>I think you should get a legal divorce. You are not fully invested in this family. Only your bio kids and h if he does things your way. </p>

<p>Wow. Just wow.</p>

14

<p>Who knows what the dynamic is in anyone else’s house? It would be nice if everyone held hands and skipped, but the most important thing is that the parents don’t let the kids apply to and fall in love with a school they can’t attend. Attitude aside, she’s not really wrong. Most people shouldn’t mess with retirement savings in order to fund college, and it seems like the OP is the only reason her step kids will have any money for college at all. Maybe Dad needs to put on his big boy pants. Maybe bio Mom needs to be told that children aren’t stray dogs to be abandoned and that she needs to get a second job to save for her kids’ college, too. As long as the two in-home parents are honest and reasonable, that’s all any kid can ask. Personally, I think it would be nice if she said something like “if my step kids do their part and then take Stafford loans if necessary, Dad and I will make up the difference for state school,” but that’s their thing. I have two kids, then a large gap before the last one straggled along. The older ones got my younger, idealistic/energetic self. The younger one gets a lot more in the financial sense because our income has doubled in the intervening years. Since we love them all madly and treat them with respect and honestly, none feel deprived. If there is a large gap in the OP’s family, it would be silly to expect that all the circumstances would remain the same, and it wouldn’t necessarily have anything to do with discrimination. Just by virtue of the fact that OP’s bio kids have a mother who isn’t a screw-up and who had years to plan puts them ahead of the game through nobody’s fault.</p>

15

<p>So Calamity4E your question is should you divorce your husband so you would not be responsible and/or obligated to pay for your 2 step-children’s college costs?</p>

<p>Another option for you and your husband, along the same lines would be for the absent biomom be located and have the oldest reside with her. Changing custody would make her the custodial parent (no longer you) and apply to FAFSA only schools. </p>

<p>Of course this would only work if she does in fact reside with her mom, and the mom has less in income and assets than you and your husband. Now if the mom does in fact make less than your husband would need to pay child-support.</p>

<p>And if this is successful could do this with the next youngest.</p>

<p>This would abdicate your financial obligations and would clearly show your step-children and your current husband exactly where you stand.</p>

<p>Again, needs to be a FAFSA only school, reside with their mom and you would be off the hook.</p>

<p>Or you could also get a divorce which is where you might end up with the above scenario anyway.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

16

<p>I am a stepmom; when StepD was ready for college, biomom disappeared financially. DH and I had a very young son of our own. I had been working part time, but moved to full time so we could pay for college. Did I resent it? Sometimes. But I knew that in marrying a man with a teenage daughter that college was soon in the picture, and part of a happy marriage for us meant providing for the kids. Both kids.</p>

<p>Best part - StepD, now in her 30s, and I have a wonderful relationship.</p>

17

<p>Also-- two years ago “I” paid for half of a trip to Disney for DH and my stepkids to take-- a trip that I didn’t go on nor did our younger girls. Really-- to say that I play favorites? My younger girls will likely agree with that as they have yet to go to Disney.</p>

18

<p>I don’t think you understand the emotional repercussions of your actions. </p>

<p>I dont know why you posted here. You have clearly already made up your mind. I wish the best for your step kids.</p>

19

<p>Biomom lives within 3-miles of. SD or SS living with her is not an option. I’ll leave it at that.</p>

20

<p>Okay, so you aren’t going to take out loans and you are going to divorce your children’s father if he does so to assist your step-childrn in their education.</p>

<p>So, what ARE you going to do?</p>

<p>That’s probably all that matters, really.</p>

<p>Sit down with a pen and paper, as you seem abundantly able to be financially savvy, and figure out what is available to them, financially, for their education, and let them know. It’s the only responsible thing to do.</p>

<p>ETA: Don’t expect to be hailed as a hero for this, but it’s the only thing you can do under the circumstances.</p>