My S is a freshman at a southern school, which is a bit of a culture shock for him. Although he’s visited there, he’s never actually lived there for any amount of time, and he’s finding it difficult because it’s so different than what he’s used to. He likes the college he’s at, which is everything he asked for, but he’s fairly far from home in a completely different culture. Has this happened to anyone else?
My husband and I would prefer he stays. We really believe it was the right choice, and no other college fits the criteria we were looking for as well as this one. But my S is on the fence and exploring his options.
What would you suggest he do to try and make the situation better? I told him to make an appointment with a counselor to talk it out, but he hasn’t done that yet. He signed up for clubs, but he doesn’t really go to them. He has friends so that’s not the issue. But he says he’s lonely and bored. What would you do?
Signing up for clubs you don’t go to is a problem in Vermont, Alabama, Maine or Arizona. What are his friends doing when they are not with him? How are his classes going? How is the different culture manifesting itself?
He’s lonely and bored because he’s not figured out how to engage yet. Transferring just kicks the can down the road a year- next October, he’ll be in the same spot he’s in now, just with cooler weather and closer to home.
If it were me I’d let him explore all he wants. He needs to own the problem AND the solution here. Which is likely to start engaging- today- with the campus he’s on, not pining for a quick and easy solution by transferring.
Many kids we know who went OOS for college transferred to schools near home. College in itself is a big life transition from high school and add on top of that making new friends and being without the comforts of home, including your parents who used to be annoying but suddenly are missed!
I tell my girls, “You can do anything that is hard, but good for you, for 4 years. I promise you. You are equipped.” Advising him to seek out a counselor on campus is very wise. This is good for any life change that he will go through.
Did you visit for Family weekend or Fall break? That may help. If not, Thanksgiving is maybe close enough for a visit. This first year goes incredibly fast. Hang in there to you, too. It’s hard parenting from afar. I wish your son the best.
It’s very early in the year to be throwing in the towel. I would encourage him to actually attend the clubs he joined and start getting involved more with college life. If you have a leg out the door, it’s hard to be engaged where you are.
I can understand your son’s feelings because of the particular school that he is attending. You, as a parent, might want to read some older threads which discuss the culture at his current school.
Whether or not he ultimately transfers, in order to have that option he should send in a few transfer applications.
Especially at a large school, there should be plenty of things for a new freshman to do.
If he transfers…will cost be a factor?
Just adding…both of my kids attend(ed) grad programs in the south. We are from the northeast. They embraced the friendly culture of this region. Yes, it was a change from their northeast home, but both knew it was good to spread wings…and they did.
As typical, it depends. I know kids who hated their schools the first semester and then found their tribe in the spring and became happy and engaged. I also know kids who quickly realized they made a mistake, transferred and were happy. I would encourage him to try harder through the spring, set any financial parameters and let him do the work to see if a transfer is possible. While he may bloom where planted, there are times when a kid is not going to bloom as they just don’t fit in.
The son needs to revisit why he chose to matriculate at this college. Do those reasons still apply?
The culture of a smaller school usually isn’t a secret. I doubt that it’s the location…but maybe it’s the size of the class.
I also think it’s early to want to transfer but some kids just know. As noted above, let him drive this decision.
Back in the Stone Age, I applied to transfer for my second year. I was actually quite active on my campus, but it was very totally Greek, and I didn’t understand that concept. It wasn’t the end of the world when I transferred to my home state to a public university…which frankly was also more affordable.
I do agree with @blossom that signing up for things and not going to them is a problem that won’t go away just because he transfers.
Having just left the very deep south after 4 years, I can definitely sympathize with your son. We just moved away this past summer and both of our kids are doing immeasurably better, particularly our college first year. We just saw him this past weekend after 2 months and he’s like a different kid. There’s an easy confidence about him that he didn’t have before. It wasn’t until moving away that we all fully realized how stunted and miserable we all were living where we did.
On the one hand, I agree it’s very early… but on the other hand, sometimes no amount of getting involved is going to help not fitting in. My S was very involved in his high school as an athlete, student, and volunteer… all while knowing this was not the right place for him.
The parents seem to like this college, but the student doesn’t. That being the case, the parents need to remember, the kid is going to college and the kid lives there...not them.
The kid isn’t asking to leave immediately...right? He wants to transfer for fall 2020.
That being the case…I say…let the kid fill out transfer applications. He won’t have to make his mind up about actually transferring until well into or near the end of the spring term. By that time, either he will be thrilled to say…or thrilled to have transfer options.
Thanks so much for all your thoughts on the situation!
You are correct that is a small college, which is exactly what he needs. He likes the college and most of the professors, although he’s had a lot of trouble with one of them who has a bad attitude. He’s getting good grades except in her class and has even received a letter from one department who would like him to major in their subject.
He hasn’t made up his mind yet, but he does have plans to revisit a college that was on his original list and accepted him. He plans on sticking it out through next semester to see if anything changes.
I just know, in my heart, that this college is an excellent fit for him, if he could just get past the “southern culture” that he’s not used to. He’s also questioning the distance from home, which we didn’t anticipate. He’s very independent so I didn’t think it would be an issue.
I think a lot of it has to do with his attitude as well. If he continues to look at the south as something he doesn’t like, and makes decisions based on that perspective, then it may cloud anything positive. I keep telling him to focus on the positive things and the things he likes about the school because if he only thinks of how unhappy he is, then that’s all he’ll see. As Wayne Dyer always used to say, “change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change”.
I am familiar with this school. And I am quite familiar with The South & Southern culture.
Southern culture at any SEC school or at any school in Virginia or in North Carolina is much different & more enjoyable than at this particular school.
OP’s son’s school is overwhelmingly Greek dominated. If not interested in Greek life & in joining a frat, then it may not be for him.
If you know the school, then it is easy to understand why parents find it attractive. Country Club like appearance.
OP- I’ve seen a lot of kids head off to the college which was a perfect fit when they visited summer after junior year (or Fall of senior year) which was just too small once they got there.
So I’d encourage your son to throw himself into campus life as best he can, while keeping an open mind about transferring.
Agree that if he’s not interested in frat life, a college dominated by Greeks is going to feel “off”, and certainly the “country club” aspects wear off pretty quickly once your eye sees past the manicured lawns and pretty shrubs. My kids didn’t care what a college looked like as long as it had the other things they were looking for- some kids just don’t care about the “grooming”.
