<p>toblin,
Can you explain? Do you think the nosey, perisitent mother of the other kid is the example of the worst of cc, or the suggestions made by the posters as to how to respond to her is the worst of cc? I am confused.</p>
<p>And to the OP, just because someone asks for something doesnt mean you have to give them what they want. When someone suggests something I am not in the lease bit interested in, I sometimes say “thats an interesting idea, I’ll think about that, thanks”. Done.</p>
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<p>Sounds to me as if she is concerned about her son socially and afraid that without the OP’s son at school with him he may not make friends.</p>
<p>That said, I agree with those who said to just be polite and do what is right for your son and your family.</p>
<p>Another possible, and polite, response: After telling Other Mother, no, son doesn’t want/have time for other activity, and Mom says, “But he’ll be hurting his chances at Dream School,” you smile sweetly and say, “Perhaps. We’ll take our chances.”</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the nosey persistent mothers of my acquaintance are completely oblivious to the raised eyebrow or the astonished “Why would you say that?” or anything short of a karate chop to the trachea! LOL!</p>
<p>Misplaced self assurance.</p>
<p>Oh well. We can have much worse problems.</p>
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<p>How can they be “oblivious” if you don’t carry the conversation further? If you say, as jym suggested, “That’s interesting, I’ll think about that” and then convey that you’re moving on to another topic? A conversation requires two people to participate in it.</p>
<p>“Why would you say that?” invites elaboration on the why. A polite “thank you, I’ll mention what you said to my S but it’s up to him what he wants to participate in” would be more effective, in my opinion.</p>
<p>I am interested in precisely how a pushy mother pushes these opinions and you’re unable to resist answering them. Can you give me an example of how those conversations go?</p>
<p>I agree with Hunt in #32. It seems to me that an awful lot of negative assumption is being directed at this person.</p>
<p>I can also imagine a scenario in which the other parent comes to CC and says, “My S is very shy and I have a hard time getting him to try new things. He only has one good friend.” and the response is “Can you encourage him and his friend to do try new things together? Maybe having that support would help him AND his friend try new things.”</p>
<p>Sure, but there’s a difference between a kid saying to his buddy, “Can we do X together?” and the mother being involved in influencing the buddy to do something so her kid will do it.</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong with a parent making a suggestion that kids try something out.</p>
<p>I too think there’s more here than meets the eye. I’d like hear more from OP. I’m trying to imagine some other parent managing to push my kid into an EC she wasn’t interested in. It just couldn’t happen. I’m guessing this mom is anxious for her son and behaving … awkwardly… because of it. But even the OP doesn’t likely have much say over son’s activities? If they’re so highly ranked in their class etc… then dream college is likely to have absolutely capricious admissions standards, unlikely to accept both, and very unlikely to take a lot of odd EC’s into serious consideration.</p>
<p>I’m not sure i can really do this, because this isn’t how I work, but here goes:</p>
<p>Ive looked into random EC. I think it would be great for our boys X and Y</p>
<p>I’ll tell X. Thanks.</p>
<p>Well, I read that college A really likes random EC. Don’t you think the boys should do it? I can’t believe how many parents don’t take an interest in their kids activities, blah blah blah</p>
<p>I’ll tell X about it</p>
<p>I really think we should encourage them, after all, blah blah blah. And blah blah blah.</p>
<p>I let X make those decisions</p>
<p>Really. This is important. Why wouldn’t you jump on my bandwagon? imply imply imply that you are a slacker.</p>
<p>karate chop to the trachea</p>
<p>LOL, Mafool.</p>
<p>Reminds me of a conversation I had with a notoriously pushy mother in 4th grade. </p>
<p>Her:“I left D at home working on her biome project. It’s due on Monday!”</p>
<p>Me: “Oh, is it? I don’t think S has started it yet.”</p>
<p>Her: “Well, you had better get busy!”</p>
<p>Me: “Why should <em>I</em> get busy–it’s HIS project!”</p>
<p>Her: Look of astonishment, clearly regarded me as slackermom from then on. :)</p>
<p>Before you administer the karate chop, you could say: “S does not have an aptitude for such activity/is not interested in such activity/ would most likely not do well as a result, and adcoms can see through it. I’d rather he do something he really cares about and is willing to invest the time and effort to do it well.”</p>
<p>to those who think we are being too harsh on the parent, the OP stated that the parent wants the OP’s kid to do some EC because the parent’s son emulates everything the OP’s kid does. It does not seem to me that the parent has the OP’s kid’s best interests at heart but is hoping that if the OP’s kid does something, her own son (who has no other friend) will join as well. That may be true, but that is something the OP should resist in her son son’s interest.</p>
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<p>As was seen on pages 1 and 2, I am in essential agreement with PG, or she with me 
, but actually with experience in this area, I can understand how this kind of situation ensues, because – while no one ever pressured me to have my children engage in e.c.'s I opposed – there have been women from time to time in my life that have been very difficult to “unstick” from my or my children’s lives. </p>
<p>Often it’s *their<a href=“pushy%20person’s”>/i</a> insecurity that is operative (although sometimes it is control). Combining that with a close, trusting relationship, and an “other” that is cooperative, or with an impulse to please, or merely motivated by maintaining the friendship, creates a dynamic that tends to blur separate needs & separate domains. </p>
<p>In addition, only relatively “late” in life have I become more perceptive about people (esp. women) who are extremely clever about making their assertiveness appear non-assertive, benign, and beneficent. Usually, because I tend to be innocent about such things, it takes me getting mildly burned first before I say, “Wait, What is this person doing? Why do I have to do what she suggests or assumes, and how did we get here?”</p>
<p>Consolation:
I actually disagree. Kids notoriously underestimate the time it takes to complete tasks (all the way into college, it seems, but then parents should no longer be involved).
When S1 was in 7th grade, he had a project involving a map of some European country which he had to draw and fill in with all sorts of information. It was due on Monday. On Sunday afternoon, his friend calls and suggests they go to a movie. S replies he has to finish his map. Best friend, astonished: “Oh, I have not started yet. I’ll do it after the movie.” S stayed home and finished his project. Friend had to ask for an extension (as did many other kids in the class).
Telling a 4th grader to start on a project in good time is not the same thing as doing the project oneself.</p>
<p>I don’t see where anyone on here is being so harsh. Consolation, if this were the first time I’d agree with you, but this seems to be a pattern so I really doubt that we’re jumping to conclusions based on what OP has written.</p>
<p>When ds1 was little, he had a whole host of moms who loved him because he was nerdy (smart, polite) like their kids but also “cool” – played sports, listened to popular music, willing to engage in conversation. They constantly wanted ds to have playdates with their kids. I had a mom tell me this – that my ds was the coolest of the group and that she hoped he would influence her ds positively. I didn’t mind, because he enjoyed their company, too. But I wouldn’t let him continue to be put in that situation at 16, 17, 18, and that’s what this other mom sounds like, relying too much on OP’s ds to entertain/influence her own son.</p>
<p>These are the days that I’m really glad I"m an introvert and don’t have these discussions with other mothers, because I’d go postal :-)</p>
<p>I hear you Pizzagirl. You’ve just hit on one of the advantages of being a stay-at-home Dad! :)</p>
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<p>Just like that, pretty much. Since you say the woman is well intentioned and nice, I would be patient and say it with a smile and repeat as necessary - no passive-aggressive behavior necessary IMO unless she really crosses the line somehow. However, considering she’s made these suggestions numerous times I’d turn it around and give her some advice of your own along the lines that other posters have recommended, ie that you have learned that schools value depth of commitment over time to a few things as opposed to a superficial involvement in many. Then thank her for her interest in your son and leave it at that. One other thought occurs to me - any chance this is a transportation issue? Maybe among other motivations the woman is looking for a ride for her son. </p>
<p>This reminds me of the time a friend of mine faced something similar. She was good friends with a woman whose child was also friends with her child. This woman’s kid had an activity (talent) that took him out of school on a pretty regular basis. The mother decided to put her S in all the same classes as my friend’s S so that her kid would have the support and the resource of a friend in each one of his classes. Problem was that it was a huge imposition on my friend’s S. This kid not only needed all the assignments, but frequently asked to be tutored for tests and material he had missed. My friend’s S began to feel the pressure of the obligation, which was not a small one. I think the biggest issue was the the mom had gone to the guidance counselor to request the class assignments as an accomodation to her child (the GC complied) without anyone ever even discussing any of this with my friend or her S. It caused a big issue between the mothers.</p>