<p>My daughter moved into her school 1 week ago today and everytime I talk to her (I'm letting her call me) she sounds so sad, I can't stnad it...has cried a few times, telling me she misses us (hubby and brothers and new sister in law). I've stayed very positive and upbeat (and cry after I hang up). Howlong does it usually take? I know every child is different but I justfeel soooo bad! </p>
<p>She just emailed me to tell me my hubby called her to say hi and see how she is doing and she said she was so, so, so happy but was kind of short with him.She asked me to tell him that it was because she was going to break down and cry and she thought she would never stop so she found a reason to hang up! Talk about break your heart! I did just call him to tell him and he said that is what he thought.</p>
<p>She has made friends but she is still so displaced/lonely. I do think she sounds the worst with me cuz I'm Mom and we have always been very close...I just feel so bad...Should I offer to go up Saturday for lunch (only 2 hours)?..Or will that make it worse...kind of like pulling off a scab a little at a time?</p>
<p>I was going to mail her a care package, pics, cards from family, and some fun stuff...my hubby says to wait....I just don't know. I would appreciate some advice, so much!</p>
<p>I completely understand how you feel. I was in your shoes last year. However, it is MUCH too early to be concerned. Your feelings are normal & you have tons of company. Keep being positive for your D (and crying when you hang up ... I know how it is!). I would also schedule something for a couple weeks out & let your D have something to look forward to. I wasn't going to go to D's parent weekend last year, since it was just a month after we dropped her off & I would have to fly. I did end up going, though, because she was so sad. She was feeling better by the time I got there, but she also really, really appreciated me coming.</p>
<p>Hang in there. It WILL get better, I promise.</p>
<p>I agree with holymomma, it is too soon to go up. Although my instincts would be very similar, I know in my heart my daughter needs to work through these types of things on her own and in her own time frame. In similar situations I found the less contact the better. Seeing and talking to me just made things worse. Be supportive and encouraging on the phone and make that date she can look forward to. Send funny cards with jokes and keep it light and on the subject of all doing and the people she is meeting and this great new stage of her life. It is an exciting place for both of you.</p>
<p>My oldest left us and 3 little sisters behind. She went two hours away and was terrible homesick. I told her she could absolutely NOT come home until she had a fall break, in October.
On the Sunday before Labor Day we packed the kids in the car and visited her. We had a great time! We bought her some final stuff for her room, took her out to eat and got her off campus for a little while. The whole family got to see her dorm and meet her friends - win/win.</p>
<p>She is 25 and still says that me telling her she could not go home until fall break was the best thing for her - she still had bouts of homesickness but it was not fatal by any means!</p>
<p>I have a close friend who keeps telling me to go up and see her every 3 days! He says she will feel the support. I keep telling him I think this will only make it worse...the few times I have been there, to drop off her futon and again to bring her back after her brothers wedding Saturday, I see her watching me the whole time we are pulling away for my reaction. I have held it together til we are on the road though.</p>
<p>I think if she actually told me that talking on the phone with us was too hard right now, her seeing us often will make it harder. She texts me quite a bit and IM"S..not much toward the end of today...maybe a good sign...I Hope so!</p>
<p>Okay - sometimes college students are like toddlers. Remember when she was 2 and screamed when you left. Then she settled down and played? Don't make yourself too available. Put your phone away and sign off the IM.
My SIL - who is a high school health teacher says teenagers are toddlers on hormones.</p>
<p>Do not allow her to play into your emotions - are you happy that your daughter has an opportunity to get a college education? that she is growing up and learning to be an adult? This is the goal of the past 18 years, is it not?
Then act happy!!
Good Luck
PS - I didn't realize that you had already visited her. I would rethink this weekend.</p>
<p>PPS - If at some point she needs/wants to come home - ask her to get some counseling - talk to her RD. You both will have to decide when/if to pack it in.</p>
<p>I am so happy for her...I never had the opportunity to go to college cuz of family issues back then...she is just the type of kid wih no self confidence, have been dealing with that issue since around 7th grade...and it's hard for her to put hersef out there...I have had her counseled for this with some success...she just feels more secure with loved ones near...she suspected this would be diffcult, well, we'll see!</p>
<p>In order to give this a shot you have to stop enabling her and quit being so available. Sorry for being so harsh. </p>
<p>As one day turns into two and then a half a week is gone by and then a week - it all is an adjustment that gets easier as new routines develop.
You have to give it a chance for it to work.
Now, go be a proud mom whose daughter has a chance for something that you did not!</p>
<p>My daughter started in mid-July, six weeks earlier than most, and the first two weeks were the worst. The third week was so-so. By weeks 4 and 5, she was happy. It took about three weeks of making new friends and getting used to dorm living and doing laundry, etc., til she felt really comfortable. I agree you should set a date and time for a visit or two, but not too soon. Maybe one visit two weeks from now and another two weeks after that? Whatever fits into both of your schedules. Give you both something to look forward to.</p>
<p>Her RA most likely had some training in dealing with homesickness, the same way camp counselors have some training in dealing with homesickness. If she has a female RA, I would tell her to talk to the RA or someone who is in charge of helping kids settle into college. Also, if there are little things going on like ice cream socials and other mixers or gatherings in the dorm, encourage her to consider going early and helping the dorm staff set up. The dorm staff are there to help. It would be good for her to get to know them. (If her RA is a boy, is there a head RA in the dorm who is female?)</p>
<p>The Dean of Students cares, too. He/she doesn't want anyone going home. You could call the Dean of Students office for suggestions, especially if this is a small college.</p>
<p>Good luck!!! I really feel for you. I would be crying too.</p>
<p>thanks so much for the encouragement...hard to talk to hubby at home...this stuff is hard for him to face..he just works more!<br>
I used to hear stories about this when my kids were younger but truly had no clue how difficult this would be...I do agree with justamom that I need to stop enabling...just hard to not answer IM's this early...I won't go this weekend...I know that is best...she may come home for a family wedding 9/13/08, she is trying to decide</p>
<p>apf, it's so, so hard to see/hear our kids being unhappy, but starting college is not a "whoopee" time for all kids. I told my son (leaving Sat. for soph. year) to expect homesickness and some, well, misery his freshman yearas he transitioned into college. His school was great about mailing us things about transition during the summer before he left, which also pointed out that the transition can take a whole year and is marked by ups and downs--several cycles of them!</p>
<p>We live about 1000 miles away from S's school, but my husband did get a flight at the last minute and went for family weekent in Oct. last year. We let S call us, and he called every 3 to 4 days. He wrote the sweetest note on my Mother's Day card last May, saying how he didn't think he would have made it through without me being there to listen whenever he called.</p>
<p>Bottome line: he made great friends, adores his school, and is more than ready to go back, but the first few months were very stressful. It's not unusual.</p>
<p>I think if your daughter would like you to go up for lunch, then do it. Just let her know her misery is normal, she's not the only one going through it, and it will get better.</p>
<p>One last note: my son's advice to entering freshmen is to go to all the social stuff the school has planned, even if you think it's going to be "lame." He met his closest friends at a function he almost didn't attend.</p>
<p>This is a huge adjustment for all students. Each handles it his/her own way. Most, by far, get past this this. </p>
<p>Our son, for example, never mentioned being homesick, but I could tell that he was not comfortable and I worried because he spent evenings alone in his dorm room. I recently asked this happy junior about those first few weeks 2 years ago. He said that, of course he had been homesick. In a tone that said: isn't everyone? </p>
<p>Trust your D to work this through. Be there to listen when she needs it, but don't try to "fix" it.</p>
<p>Back in the dark ages (well, 30 years ago) when I went off to college, my mother (the college counselor at my HS) said 2 things: </p>
<p>(1) "You can't come home until October." (I was 5 hours away)
(2) "Don't call me during the first 2 weeks unless you are seriously injured or dying."</p>
<p>At the time I thought she was absolutely HORRIBLE. But, in the end I realized she was right. </p>
<p>A lot of things happened during those first 2 weeks: taking entrance tests; being disappointed at the score on my English placement (turns out there was an interesting story there that went back 25 years); picking classes; dropping/changing classes; getting to know my roommate; class and dorm officer elections; trying out for a play; rushing the social clubs (similar to sororities); joining a social club; quitting a social club.....etc</p>
<p>My temptation would have been to call her for help with every single issue. Instead, I had to handle them on my own. When I finally did talk to her and told her everything - she just laughed and said that she approved of everything I had done and to keep up the good work!</p>
<p>Also, during the first few days of school I received a letter from her with all sorts of ideas on how to keep my mind "off" of being homesick........taking a 1 foot square patch of grass and counting the blades, trying to find Farah Fawcett's phone number (it WAS 1977!), taking out all the clothes in my closet and reorganizing them......</p>
<p>I know it was hard on me and I am sure that it was hard on her - but it was all for the best!</p>
<p>Have you considered mailing your daughter a set of new exercise clothes to encourage her to go to the university gym? The exercise is a great way to beat depression and she will meet lots of potentially new friends at the gym. It shows you care and will get her out of her dorm room.</p>
<p>I'm reminded of when my D was just starting nursery school at the age of 3, and there was a "phasing in" schedule for parents. Parents stayed in the classroom the first day, then on subsequent days left 30 minutes earlier until at the end of the week, we left at drop-off time. It worked for some, but some kids needed a month long phasing-in! I remember thinking it went on for too long (I was looking forward to some "me" time), but now I realize that childhood is way too short! Just remember, your child made it through then, and she'll make it through this time.</p>
<p>apf20 I'm going through the same thing. My D has been away for two weeks, one at a preorientation service program and one at orientation. She started classes today. She's admitted to me that she is desperately homesick one hour and then perfectly fine the next. They dont call us the hours that they are happy. She also said that she was so glad to have me to talk to when she felt bad and that it made her feel better. Of course, the first time she called home crying, I felt terrible and researched what to do. The best advice I've seen is to be a good listener and to try to stop making everything perfect for her. Easier said than done (I continuously want to offer advice)- but I'm trying. I've also told her that I will come up and see her in a few weeks, if she needs me. I'm almost expecting that she will not need me. In reality, they don't want to leave their new social circle and it's best that they have as much opportunity as possible to work on building their new foundation. On top of everything else, D broke up with her boyfriend last night. She feels terrible, but she was having such a hard time adjusting that she knew it was best not to have one foot on campus and the other foot off. She will do her best to maintain her friendship with him, but it will be tough going. I think we just need to try and just be a supportive friend. They do have good times and are meeting great new people, they just need time to accept that new friendships and a new foundation take time to develop. Good luck. <em>hugs</em> to you and your D.</p>
<p>The first week of her 1st year of college my D said she cried at least once every day. But only when she was alone. When others were around she was fine. Tell your daughter to spend time with people as much as possible even if it's just hanging around outside and reading instead of being alone with her anxiety.</p>