<p>When S was a little tyke, we (like many parents) were very closely involved with his school - volunteering for everything from field trips to night activities to classroom help, etc.</p>
<p>In Middle School, many of the parents dropped by the wayside in terms of continued volunteering. We stayed in there.</p>
<p>In High School, MOST of the parents were absent from the volunteering force (except for parents of the athletes). But no, my involvement actually increased, working with the PTO, the staff, the administration, and the faculty, as well as lots of involvement with the District office. I've even been asked to consider running for the school board (Never! It's the most thankless job I see around this area). </p>
<p>Now my son is in college and probably thankful that I won't be around. But...... </p>
<p>I saw a newspaper article about the President of his college and something they were trying to change. I couldn't help it, but I sent the President an email with some ideas that I thought would be useful. And, without going into the details of what happened and all of the people the email was forwarded to, I'm finding myself getting caught up again in this involvement addiction. STOP ME! S would be positively aghast if he knew. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! TAKE AWAY MY KEYBOARD!!</p>
<p>All kidding aside, my inclination is to back off and make sure I don't get caught up in any committees or anything else to do with the college. It's his life now, and I should keep my nosey nose out of it from this point on. Anybody else as __________ (fill in your own word) as I am? Is this a part of not being able to let go? Or am I a volunteeraholic and need to find a worthy cause?</p>
<p>Don't even think about it! Back of for your sake, not just your son's.
It's time to give to another worthy cause, based upon YOUR interests. Are you musical or artistic? How about volunteering for your local orchestra or art museum? If you love education, which it sounds like you do, schools in low income areas need volunteers to work in their schools, directly with students.
Think how much fun you'll have carving out a new life for yourself!
Politics is fun too, and addictive.
The possibilities are limited only by the time you're willing to give!</p>
<p>I have no idea what you are thinking of getting involved in--I hesitate to discourage you when you may be providing a valuable service to someone/group of kids? But, are you crazy? (I say that in the nicest way. . .) Where do you live? We could use some involveaholics in our school district . . .</p>
<p>I disagree! If you enjoy volunteering, get involved with his college. It's not like you're going to be running into him very often if you do - colleges are big, busy places. There won't be anybody to connect you with your son. You can get all involved without negatively impacting him, and you will be positively impacting the college. A win-win situation.</p>
<p>Stop. Don't. You posted here because you know in your heart it's a bad idea, and you're absolutely right.</p>
<p>I agree with A.S.A.P.: Put your volunteer energies to work, but somewhere other than your son's college. It's time for both of you to develop separate lives. This is not a win-win situation; it's a recipe for staying stuck in an old mommy-volunteer track--and for seriously alienating your son (who you say would positively aghast at your involvement).</p>
<p>It sounds as if you have a great deal to offer and any number of organizations would love to have your help. But his college shouldn't be one of them; this really needs to be his world alone, while you discover worlds of your own to conquer.</p>
<p>I agree with the "Don't do it" posters. As a general rule, I think parents should stay involved in the school all the way through high school and I think our society, in general, wrongly discourages intergenerational activities. But, I would draw the line at college. It's time for more space and differentiation of interests.</p>
<p>This is a tough one that I can relate to as well. I honestly think my involvement on CC helps me wean away since I can stay close to the college process without direct involvement with my Freshman. I don't think giving input in an email is the end of the world but I agree that you want to hold it to that level. Many colleges have parent associations. Nothing like PTO of course, as it should be, but perhaps that could be a way to positively direct your energies. Or help prospective parents on CC that are considering your child's school. </p>
<p>Our S attends a very large school so any parent involvement could easily be missed by him....however, it doesn't matter if they find out. You already know the answer is to let it go at this point. It is hard for those of us that stayed involved through HS. Keep posting here. It helps!!!!</p>
<p>I'm not going to advise whether or not to get involved, but I know my S would be equally aghast :eek:! And you should perhaps honor your feeling that you should stay out of the picture.</p>
<p>So, here you are with post #1 on cc. I am willing to bet you can beat the speed with which I, personally, went from post #1 to post #1,xxx (another :eek: ). Here, you can get your college fix, get tons of information, and use your energy, knowledge and skills to help both parents and kids who will really benefit.</p>
<p>CC is a legal addiction with no worries re aghast kids. Go for it.</p>
<p>As an aside, you could maybe take your college volunteeraholism to another college or wait a year or two, until S is really his own person at his college, before digging in there!</p>
<p>Most of the time we got involved with our kids' schools because we needed to provide a degree of advocacy for them when the "system" broke down. Yes, we also served a lot of BBQ plates at fundraisers, but deep down inside, we were in part doing it to build up legitimacy that we might someday need to cash in as influence.</p>
<p>It's now time for the kids to take over and develop their own self-advocacy skills. If we continue to do it for them, they'll be hampered in the long run.</p>
<p>Of course, if there's really a service role in which you'd like to participate - because you've seriously gotten "with the program" of the university and feel a certain evangelical zeal on its behalf - I think that's cool.</p>
<p>OK...my opinion....if you feel you have something to contribute to the college then volunteer to do so. I WISH I had the time, and the energy to start a major fundraising campaign to build a new College of Fine Arts building at Boston University. If I had the money to start a campaign, and the energy to be a force in fundraising efforts, I would do it. I believe strongly that the program they are offering my kiddo is superb. I would gladly put my money where my mouth is...and my efforts. The reality is that the types of "work" you do with a college will be very different than that done at a high school. If you think you can make a difference...go for it!!</p>
<p>Why not stay involved with the high school? You probably know many of the kids and/or their younger siblings and already know the ropes! I ended up volunteering at my kids elementary school (and doing some part time paid work as well) after they moved on and it was actually better!</p>
<p>I agree about not being involved at your son's college and starting to draw the line on mommy volunteering and this being your son's OWN thing. But I would have to hear more about the nature of this volunteering that you mentioned. For instance, say they are trying to get parents on a committee to do a capital campaign and you served on it in the role of current parents (but were NOT the only one). I don't see that as that involved in your son's life but in maybe giving back to the school that you are pleased with. It is more of a behind the scenes thing and not ON campus. If the thing you were suggesting was along these lines, that might not be so bad...I mean it is not like coming into the classroom and reading a book at circle time....um or in the lecture hall....you know what I mean. But others also had good suggestions of taking that mommy volunteering that you seem to enjoy and have a knack for....to something related like his old high school or elementary school. Maybe volunteering to help in guidance office with college counseling. Dunno but again, I'd not be too involved in college because that is the big "break" from being with mom and dad but if the involvement were behind the scenes and on some parent group or committee, it might not be too intrusive or connected to anything your son is doing or even near the campus. </p>
<p>Susan
PS....JMMom, your post really made me laugh!</p>
<p>Last year I read an article about parents who were actually calling professors to complain about a grade their child received. Apparently it is a growing and annoying phenomenon. Just imagine if this trend continues further. Can you imagine a parent calling up their childs boss to explain why their little darling couldn't meet their sales quota this month? </p>
<p>soozievt , I know you're not going in that direction, but I have to agree with everyone who suggests that your talents and interests can be used to help others. There are probably a number of high school kids who would benefit from your mentoring. </p>
<p>Of course, I'll probably turn into one of those parents who can't let go...</p>
<p>I would definitely not volunteer to bring in snacks or chaperone trips or dances. The behind the scenes committee stuff would be fine, IMO. I think a lot of it's done by phone and email, anyway.</p>
<p>Nunofyer...no, I am not going in the direction of college volunteering myself. I was just saying that while I think college is the time to let go and not be as involved directly with school any longer, that it might be ok if there was some task meant for parent committees to do like phone campaigns. That's back at home and not at the college. Frankly, I'm not doing any of that myself and was merely commenting. And yes, I was a very active parent volunteer for years and lamented that the middle and high school seemed to discourage parent volunteers and I had to let go at that juncture, sooner than I would have hoped, because I volunteered weekly until that point in time. </p>
<p>Also, I hear ya on your other comments about helping to mentor high school kids after my own fly the coop. Actually my mother's day card from my college freshman thanked me for not only supporting her in her dreams but for helping other kids now to pursue theirs. So, while we may not be in the day to day lives of our college kids, we can still support them from afar but also get involved in the lives of many other kids (if that is your thing....and it happens to be mine as education and children are my field). </p>
<p>I have to mention one thing that is not on the scale that the OP referred to but this year I was pleasantly surprised by something to do with college. I knew that once my D left for college, we'd no longer be as involved.....and also just not even be there for all her events as in the past. We'd have to get used to it. We did plan to try to see some of her college ski races because they took place in NH mostly (a couple in VT and MA) and we live in VT and it was a way to not totally give up seeing everything she is in as we never missed anything in the first 18 years, and it was made possible with the location/distance of these events. So, before I even went to the first race I could make, I started getting emails from parents of the other team members (who were not freshmen) and apparently each year for each weekend race, they organized via email parents to volunteer to provide all the food to feed the team in the lodge for lunch and I never expected any of this to happen in college. I got to the first race I could make it to and I was astounded by how many parents on the team were there, almost like high school! Everyone had brought platters to share, including us. I really liked that even though the kids were in college, there was this one little thing or time when the parents will still there to support the kids and share in their glory (or defeat as the case could have been) and every weekend we went it was like this nice sharing time with all the parents and the girls and boys on the team.....quite bonding. The kids really welcomed the parents. Some parents had vacation homes near the races and invited kids to stay with them, things like that. My D has stayed with a few parents on the team. This one little thing harkened back to what I did not relish giving up once she left for college and I did get to still have a little "rush" of it still while she is in college. When I went out to Idaho to see my D in the National Championships two months ago, I was amazed at all the parents from around the country who came from all these colleges to cheer on the kids and share it with them...I never realized some of this still continued in college and it was rather nice. My D of course stayed with her team (would not ever have it any other way) and she had dinner out with me one night and then another night, I went to eat out on my own and by sheer coincidence, shortly after I sat down at a table to eat alone, who walks into this very same restaurant but my D's team and the coaches for dinner. They saw me right away and asked me to join them. I wanted my D to just enjoy it without me but they all insisted I join their table and so I did and the kids are so mature at this age that they not only did not mind but they seemed glad that I did. Now, my sixteen year old is another story...she'd NOT be pleased if I had joined her table in a similar situation. So, my point is that sometimes, college aged kids don't mind if parents connect at some points while in college. I know that my D has a friend at college whose parents traveled to the college during Passover and arranged to have a catered seder at a local hotel for their D and many of her college buddies (inc. my daughter) and kinda brought the holiday to them. All these kids are self sufficient and independent at college but seemed pretty pleased and enjoyed these occasional parental involvements with their college lives. </p>
<p>I think it very much depends on what type of involvement we're talking about. If it is not something that will have you hovering over your son's life, what is the harm in helping the college? If it is something like getting involved with fund raising or alumni relations or the like, it won't affect your son directly and no one will be able to accuse you of being involved just to stay involved in HIS life. I do know that many colleges, especially liberal arts colleges, have special parent advisory boards that give input and advice to the college on a variety of topics. If its something like that - no problem in my mind, and you may very well make a valuable contribution. If, on the other hand, it is something that will put you in a position where your son will be directly affected (i.e., volunteering in the classroom! :)) Then that is a different topic. But, hey, you're paying the bills to send your son there, why shouldn't you contribute if you think you have something valuable to offer? I guess the question to ask yourself: is this something I would want to do for this particular college even if I didn't have a kid there? If the answer is yes, go for it! But that's just my opinion.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of the comments. The reason that I posted this in the first place was that I knew deep down I did not want to go in that direction. I was/am quite embarassed at posting this in the first place. Although I tend to agree with ALL of the comments, I feel fairly strongly that I should NOT start down that path and that I should turn my attention towards other "volunteerisms." There were some excellent suggestions. I might have continued with the high school stuff, but it's amazing to me how that interest faded so quickly after S left. Another college? I don't think so, but there are other interests of mine that could use some more help. For example, one of my favorite favorite favorite holiday activities is delivering goodies to shut-in seniors. That organization exists all year, so why should I limit myself to only holidays. You guys have spurred me on to take some new action. Thanks.</p>
<p>I, too, am a volunteeraholic. I have been weening myself from Ds middle school. And found another place to go. I am looking at things I can do when both Ds are gone...sniff...</p>
<p>OK, if you really can't help yourself, the college wants your money. They would very much appreciate your making a donation on top of the gazillions you already pay in tuition. They will be calling or sending an envelope soon, so that you, too, can be part of the effort to fund the new arts center/ science center/library/take your pick.</p>
<p>There is one situation where I have seen parents volunteer and it was much appreciated. A local set of parents of a student at my son's east coast college hosted a reception in their home for admitted students from the bay area. They had a gorgeous home and of course it was very nice for the kids from this area to be able to get to know one another. No one thought these were meddling parents -- all were duly impressed by their lovely home. So if you want to host something local, I'm sure the college won't mind. Your son might even forgive you... who knows?</p>
<p>Other than that, I'd pretty much suggest that you stay away from volunteering at son's college, and .... as they say, "get a life"... meaning if you have extra time, find volunteer opportunities in your community that have nothing whatsoever to do with your son. I guarantee there are plenty of places that will welcome your help and good intentions.</p>