<p>regional director kirk "superfly" daulerio employed his superstar athletic skills to singlehandedly bring down the hostage-takers. Kirk received...</p>
<p>an Ivy-Made-Purple heart for an injury wound and another Penn'em-Up-Silver-Star for his bravery. However, his Purple heart is later taken away because his wounds were determined to be...self inflicted. Kirk felt very...</p>
<p>suicidal... so he traipsed on over to cornell where surprisingly.. he was met by</p>
<p>a group of roughly 117 Cornell students who had elected to jump off the bridge on campus rather than take their finals (a la the annual lemming migration). Thoroughly creeped out by the spectacle, Kirk slunk off back to penn and decided...</p>
<p>that he would accept his life of mediocrity. He would not take the easy way out, but would bear the hardships of this world with a steady heart until his life dissolves into the abyss of eternity. Back at Penn...</p>
<p>Catch slaps bigjakes in the Cereality while Blublu jumps on him. They were, you see, talking about politics. The first thing about Penn peope notice is...</p>
<p>that there are very few people from Arizona. That is because, out of all people everywhere, Arizonians are hated with a vengeance. On campus, they stand out like rocks in a haystack and are repeatedly pelted with fruit by passersby. The reason Arizona is so hated...</p>
<p>is because they do not obersve daylight savings time. How can you live like that? Meanwhile North Korea starts WWIII by launching nuclear missiles using a random coordinate generator, hitting and completely obliterating...</p>
<p>is because the kids from AZ bitch about Philly's weather every single day of the year. Also, they have Nazi History teachers that make participation points 28% of the final grade. However, because Penn...</p>
<p>is so amazing, the real Arizonians are constantly trying to escape and be the first in their family to venture beyond the borders of the desert. Meet Catchy...a small girl with a big attitude. Catchy's parents came to america ten years ago with $5 in their pocket...</p>
<p>, swam over here and had all that salt water in their brains, which, eventually would make them extremely cool and hippie asian parents who, till this day, still have no idea what Penn Wharton or Huntsman exactly is. And then, there's bigjake, the sometimes pimp and sometimes non-pimp, he...</p>
<p>is big.....</p>
<p>and does not like to talk about himself much. Back to Penn and college stuff. So, there's this website called College Confidential where kids from all over the place come and...</p>
<p>make fun of each other...</p>
<p>especially kids like Catchy and Jakes. It's not like they hate each other, but....</p>
<p>they just like to procrastinate for prolonged periods of time and vent all thier frustrations, especially when decisions day is... TOMORROW. But they are so anxious about Friday Dec. 10 that they stay up all night and turn into CC zombies and then...</p>
<p>Boom! Log on and meet the most impersonal acceptance/rejection/deferral letter out in the land. You would think some of those 3.0+ billion per year endowment money would be used for a. better servers b. better letters, but, no. Instead, Penn spends the money on....</p>
<p>pizza! They buy lots and lots of pizza for the admissions committee and so, by the time decisions are out, all the money is gone, so...</p>
<p>the kids on CC are stuck with an electronic version of the decisions. the kids can't even burn them now...saves some paper and some trees. Of course, at this time, the whole Penn admissions staff is not considering the kids, all they are thinking about is...</p>
<p>PIZZAA!! pepperoni, mushrooms, anchovies...what should they pick. The favorite choice among adcoms remains...</p>