It’s not possible to keep both careers, tech/cs and piano, after graduation and excel at both, especially if you plan to have a family. Best scenario, you’ll be mediocre in both. Eventually you’ll need to choose what you prefer and keep the other as a hobby. I’m afraid your relationship with your parents is going to deteriorate no matter what. Maybe you can talk to your school’s financial aid department and explore the possibility of a student loan?
Another way you could work this to your advantage would be to pick up some gigs. Although you sound pretty busy, you could build up a little nest egg by doing a cocktail party or wedding here or there. This might make it easier when the time comes to be independent from your parents.
I might suggest that you post this on the music forum under “majors” on this site.
You realize this is pathological, right? Your parents are way too invested in your piano.
They have actually probably destroyed any possible love of the piano you have ever had. They are violating the autonomy of a developing young adult. Even allowing for cultural factors of some sort, this is just plain sick.
Is there any chance your parents would agree to go to a counselor with you, or even a mediator (a kind of lawyer). You need a third party.
I do not think the answer is to comply, or to deceive. I think this issue needs to be handled directly. And if it is a metaphor for other parts of their relationship with you, perhaps those will benefit as well.
Please enlist help from someone who knows your playing, knows you, understands how you feel, and can explain or mediate.
Many talented musicians major in something else entirely. You can even go on to computer music. Your piano and your hard work are never ever lost. But you need to be allowed to make your own choices and who would blame you if you avoided piano for awhile.
Your parents could run a piano cessation program!
ps CS is a tough tough major and time consuming. For the future, your time is well spent doing internships and such. Maybe you can convince your parents that it is healing to play for enjoyment only for awhile and that CS is the best route to financial stability.
“You realize this is pathological, right? Your parents are way too invested in your piano. They have actually probably destroyed any possible love of the piano you have ever had.”
I have some relatives who are very talented musicians, and I have played a bit myself in public without embarrassing myself. One thing that I figured out by watching them (and a bit my playing myself) is that you just plain can’t do it unless you really want to. This has to be driven from inside the musician himself or herself.
Sometimes this means backing away for a bit, such as to focus on university, and then either come back to it or don’t come back to it depending upon how you are driven internally.
In reading this thread several things came to mind. Perhaps one of the saddest is that the parents pushing so hard in this case might be the thing that derails an otherwise promising musical talent.
I watched a wonderful film about teaching called “Talent has Hunger” about the cello teacher Paul Katz. He backed off and gave one of his students some extra space and less pressure while the student dealt with some motivation issues. That student is still playing and professionally. It was a great model for teaching but maybe even more for parenting.
I have read there is a developmental stage where kids go from doing what they “should” for others to relying on inner motivation. It is a tricky time for parents, when we need to let our children make some choices but somehow be there to guide when needed. We all struggle at times but this family has not negotiated that transition at all.
To the original poster I really feel for you. CS is a great field but very demanding, in school and in a career. I know many techies, however, who are still involved in music, for pleasure. That may be you or you may make another choice. In any case, good luck!
Take up volleyball and woodworking. There’s a pretty good chance that you will injure one of your hands in one of these pursuits or the other, and that will give you a nice long break from the piano.
I’m only half kidding.
Out of the box idea: switch to a new genre of piano. As long as it’s a part time job, how about ragtime? Or blues? Or (just in case they would stop skyping) a style that has a lot of dissonance? If it’s your job, at least it’s fun!
I am going to guess that maybe your parents aren’t from the US? And/or did one of them have a dream of being a professional musician that they did not achieve? You are in a tough spot. I’m sorry they are putting you through this -/ it is not healthy or normal.
If you were paying full freight for school without parental help, you would have to work menial jobs that would be uninteresting and take on loads of debt. Had a musical loving benefactor offered to pay your way in exchange for time consuming piano work, you might have said yes and enjoyed it.
The problem is your parents, and now that you are a young adult, that you are training them that this infantile level of supervision is acceptable. At some point, to be an emotionally capable adult, you will disappoint them. Your decision is when. Given that college choice is so important to you, the horn of the dilemma to choose is keeping your “piano job” and disappointing them later.
If you decide not to disappoint them, ready yourself for lousy relationships and some really lousy grandparents.
CS and piano both take time, both are intense pursuits. Ironically, many parents try to dissuade their kids from pursuing music in favor of what parents think is a stable and lucrative CS career. Music forum parents expend a lot of energy countering that idea.
In this case, however, any parent with experience in music would understand how counterproductive this situation is.
If your parents withdrew, would you play piano at all at this point?
This amounts to musical enslavement. I really think it needs to be dealt with head on. (Again, with a third party involved.)
Post on the music forum. Perhaps your parents will respect answers from other music parents.
You don’t want them to control you - but you want to control them. You want them to pay for dream college X. You want them not to monitor your practicing - but it sounds like you wouldn’t practice without their monitoring you, and it seems like you all know it.
I don’t agree with what your parents are doing. It very well may destroy the relationship between you and them for the rest of your lives. If they were posting on here, I would advise them not to do what they are doing.
But I don’t agree with what you are doing either. You can’t control them either, and this is what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to get them to pay for college X without your playing the piano, something you already agreed to. You’re trying have your cake and eat it too.
So even though you think they should pay for college X with no strings attached, they may not think so, and quite honestly, many parents aren’t necessarily willing or able to pay for an expensive college for a variety of reasons, even if it is their child’s dream college.
I would recommend that you think long and hard about your agreement with your parents and figure out whether it is one you can keep. If not, then be willing to give up college X. But then think - what would the other consequences be? Might your parents refuse to pay for college at all? What would you do then? Perhaps, ironically, you might have to continue piano to earn money.
If you feel the agreement is your best choice, even though you don’t love it, then keep your end of it. Treat it like a job. There will be plenty of jobs you might not love in the future for whatever reason, but your choices are to do the best you can at them (otherwise you might get fired), or quit and look for something else.
There is nothing preventing you from looking at other options to see if there are other solutions to your problem. But it is probably very difficult to find someone other than your parents who is willing to pay your college tuition.
Good luck.
I don’t feel controlled by my kids when I pay for their education.
@oldfort in post #5. That is the first thing that popped into my mind after reading post #1 - the chicken gambit.
Your situation sounds insane on many levels. Your parents sure understand that you will not become professional pianist if you do not pursue piano as a major. Nobody becomes a professional taking private piano lessons. Can you explain what their train of thought is?
Actually there are talented musicians who do not major in music and go on to have careers in music. But at this stage of the game it has to be their passion, not the parents’ and if parents are overly invested many lose the love of playing.
Not classical piano, @compmom. Maybe voice.
Yes classical piano.
OP do you know if they are taking out loans to fund your tuition that they expect you to repay? Are you an only child? If not, are your parents as controlling with your siblings?
I agree with previous posts that mental health counseling is a must - your situation is extreme (extremely unhealthy, extremely stressful, extremely controlling, etc.), but perhaps manageable to some extent if you want to stay at the ‘dream school’. There are far worse jobs to have in college, but the emotional abuse and tuition blackmail makes me think they are very angry about the situation. If you had attended the cheaper college near home could you have dropped the piano and focused on CS? In other words, would it be the same pressure wherever you attended school as long as they are paying?
To me, this is not a sustainable state of affairs, and clearly this level of pressure will continue after graduation. A counselor can help you think through your options. Your situation is difficult but you sound smart and resilient- best of luck.
@Aloha927 I am sad to hear of your situation. I hope that reading so many parents’ posts telling you this is not normal gives you some comfort.
Think long term, and start preparing now for a life without your parents after college graduation. Start saving every dollar you can, and see if you can get paying music gigs. Would your parents let you switch a live skype practice session for a paying job? And if so, would they let you keep the money you earn?
At graduation, you need to already have a job lined up in a different part of the country, or even around the world. Get a passport now, to give you options. When you are at home, see if you can gather all your important paper documents, Birth certificate, social security card, immunization records. You want to be ready to cut ties, or at least have options to live independently from your parents.
It could be that after a short time of cutting ties, your parents could warm up to the idea of not trying to control your life. It might be possible to go to family counseling and work on setting appropriate boundaries.
But you need to set Indeoendence as your goal. This goal will keep you sane over the next three years.
Your college career center can help you look towards the future.
Best of luck to you.
Once the OP graduates and gets a job, the parents will no longer have financial leverage over him/her, so the power relationship is reversed. The OP can quit piano, and the parents cannot do anything about it. Of course, the almost-inevitable result is that s/he and the parents will become estranged, but that seems to be the case already.