Hello! Thanks for taking the time to read this; I’ve been feeling really lonely and unsure.
I’m a senior at a competitive high school in NJ (Asian-dominant, stem-centered environment), and the college application process has led me to have thoughts of severe depression and loneliness. I can’t fall asleep at night until 5 or 6 am because thoughts of college crowd my head, I can’t focus in my classes bc of my lack of sleep, I fight constantly with my parents, and I’ve had severe mood swings that have left me feeling very helpless.
I go to a preparatory school centered around college admissions–I’ve lived in this environment my whole life, and I usually love the intense pressure. More than that, I have very high expectations of myself: I used to dream constantly about attending Harvard. The thing is, I definitely ignored my grades in high school: I was so focused on my EC’s and “Creating an impact” in my community, and got caught up in the pressure of taking high-level math & science classes, that my GPA definitely is terrible (3.5-6; terrible in terms of both my expectations for myself and in context of other competitive applicants in my high school). I do have perfect standardized test scores though (ACT/SAT II/SAT 1).
Throughout these past 4 years, I’ve read countless college admission essays, watched so many videos of students getting into their first-choice, shared the happiness of students who were expecting nothing and got an acceptance from their dream schools.
My constant hope has been that this is ultimately a holistic process–my ECs, essays, and teacher recommendations give me so much insight into who I’ve become and how I hope to contribute to those around me. A lot of people tell me to give up, to ED somewhere safe and be done with the process, but I can’t bring myself to give up on these dreams, no matter how high. My parents and I can’t speak to one another without fighting–they think I should just go to a safety college and pursue engineering (I’m interested in IR/lit), and just deal with it. I hope there’s someone out there who understands–who strives to be the anomaly, no matter how hard the chances are. Can anyone give some advice on how to feel motivated when you feel like so much weight is on your shoulders? when you feel pressured to the point you can’t relax enough to fall asleep?
I’d suggest that you seek out counseling to help you through this time. Have your parents come to some sessions so you can talk things out together without yelling.
You are going to college, even if you are not going to Harvard. There are so many other schools out there.
I suggest hiring a private college counselor who can help you build a balanced list of safety, match, and reach schools and who can teach your parents how to properly support a college senior.
Ask around your high school or do web searches. You’re looking for someone who works with kids attending all types of schools, not one that focuses on Ivy hype.
ED is probably not for you, but EA might be a chance to get a safety acceptance then reach.
I think it would be beneficial to meet with your counselor. I also would suggest seeking out an adult you trust that you can bounce questions and concerns regarding the college application process with. Someone you can have conversations with regarding the process. Hang in there! Good luck!
happy1 and others suggestion to get outside help is a good idea, if you can.
The idea that you should just give up and become an engineer, which you are not even interested in, is both extreme and kind of silly. Try to step back and look at your high pressure environment and
realize that it is not the norm. Take a mental vacation from the college process for a week or so. There is still plenty of time. Then undertake a search for schools that are right for you.
1: Find out what your parents will pay, and confirm that you will be allowed to choose your own major and college with your parents help, as long as it fits in your family’s budget.
2: Research schools that have your major and make a list of schools that appeal to you and meet your preferences for location, size, etc. Pick reaches, matches, and safeties.
3: Apply to this group of schools. Include your dream school, but know that this isn’t the only place where you can be happy and successful. Think about keeping your list of schools fairly short in order to reduce the pressure on yourself.
Try to avoid the drama of the college process at school. You don’t even have to tell anyone where you are applying. Just do your best with your applications and try to be at peace with it. Good luck!
This is what I am hearing: you have been fixated on college as the be all and end all of your existence. The time to let go of that is now. Free your mind, and open yourself up to other possibilities. Right now, just say “Forget Harvard, which is simply unlikely for anyone anyway.” Get excited about other fabulous schools. Post in the search and selection forum today, giving your stats, interests, and what you would like in a college. People will give you suggestions. Get a Fiske or other college guide book and start reading up on realistic possibilities for you. There are 3000+ colleges. Hundreds of those are amazing and will land you a great future.
You just said it yourself: you are more interested in what is happening outside of school and you want to make an impact. Plenty of colleges would LOVE to have you. Look at Princeton Review’s list of Impact Colleges and apply to those. Your grades ARE good, even if they aren’t Harvard level.
For a 16 year old girl to be so fixated on this that she can’t sleep is totally unhealthy. You need to talk to a counselor and get a list going of realistic options. I seriously think you should prioritize colleges with a non-competitive atmosphere, which Harvard is not. Stop worrying about where the kids at your school are applying. Here is a 100% truth: the second you graduate from high school, you will understand that nothing about high school is relevant to your life anymore. Do what is best for YOU. You would benefit from seeing a therapist too. You can make a choice right now to start having a happier life if you let go of idealized visions of what getting into college is supposed to be about.
NYmommabear gives wise counsel. Tend to yourself. Sleep. Seek help if needed. There’s plenty of time.
There used to be a CCer here - a couple of years ago I think - expressed pretty much the same ideas. I think they may have decided to take a gap year, take a sea voyage maybe. I can’t exactly remember their handle… “C. Ahab” or something like that… 
The moral of the story is that it’s good to have dreams - but not so good to obsess. My advice as a parent of 3, is to relax, enjoy what you have, listen to a lot of good advice from earlier posters in this thread. Enjoy the process, you will do fine where ever you decide to go. And please remember that if you DO catch that Great White Whale - you’re going to have to deal with how to handle @ 100 tons of blubber…
You could have a 4.0 and perfect SAT scores and still not get into Harvard.
3.5 is not terrible!
Did you enjoy “making an impact” in your community? Is it something you would like to continue to do? DId it help people in your community?
If so, then you have learned about what you like!
Also remember that right now, all everyone cares about is “What college are you going to?”
But in a year, you will be attending and nobody cares that much.
People say “ED somewhere safe and be done with it?” …they say that because they see you stressing out and this is one way to fix it.
I would counsel you to say to yourself:
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Not going to Harvard is not failure. There are 3000 colleges in the USA and 99.9% of people are not going to Harvard. They are not failures.
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You have an idea of what you want to study. This is great! Ask for help coming up with a list for IR/Lit majors.
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Make sure you have “safety/match” colleges on that list that you would be HAPPY to go to.
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Your college does not define you…what you do in college will.
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Maybe you are someone that will make an impact in their community in college and get 3.5 average. Maybe Harvard wouldn’t let you do that.
Listen to your gut, and find schools that have your proposed majors.
P.S. Nobody puts up videos of them not getting into their first choice. Many people don’t have a first choice…they would be happy with any on their list.
First off, what you’re going through is fairly common especially in competitive high schools like yours so don’t think you’re alone in this. As others above suggested, seeing a counselor may help with a broader perspective that you’ll need since your high school is providing a narrow focus of the world. Second, you have to reduce the fixation on Harvard as that’s putting a lot of the weight on your shoulders. Students out here have similar dreams of Stanford, but those colleges are super reaches, that it’s not realistic to pin your hopes on them.
The other reason is that as CC conveys is that it doesn’t really matter where you go undergrad, studies have tried but could not show any correlation between undergrad college and success. There’s a higher correlation with grad school. You’re going to have a lot of good choices based on your test scores, so apply to places that are not intense, cut throat, but more collaborative, challenging and not too judgemental.
Another resource since you know your majors is Rugg’s Recommendations. It’s a PDF book you buy online. They sort colleges by major and selectivity, so you can find, say, a school with a good IR program for it’s level of selectivity (rather than US News which will show you the best schools overall).
Cross reference that book with college websites and the Fiske or Princeton Review guides or a student review website to get a feel for what the college campus or culture may be like.
It is a huge but common error to focus your energies on the particular college that you go to instead of focusing on the person that you want to be, the things that you want to study, and the life that you want to lead.
You have been sold a bill of goods. Have a dream life, don’t have a dream college. Recognize that the dream life you want is available to you and there are many roads to get it. It isn’t easy to get, but it doesn’t require Harvard. Have the high expectations, but focus on things that you can control not on college admissions, which you can’t. Getting in won’t make you happy and not getting in will not make you sad, it will just delay the day of reckoning when you learn that your happiness and personal satisfaction are within your grasp but still require hard work to achieve.
There are much better schools than Harvard for you. I suggest seeking them out, and having your list include at least 2 safeties. When you get a list of multiple schools that admit you in April, you will have to reject all but one of them. When you do this final due diligence, you are in control. You will have to disappoint pretty good schools.
There are still many nice days ahead before winter. I suggest that you go take a quiet walk and clear your head. Beathe. It will be ok.
By the way, at least your parents have a good idea about applying ED somewhere. Do not apply to do engineering. Why? You have no interest. I also suggest Rugg’s. It’s the best resource to find all levels of colleges that do a good job in your area of interest.
@wonderwish:
Fill out the request info form/join mailing list for the following colleges
Macalester
Dickinson
Mount Holyoke
Bryn Mawr
Agnes Scott
Grinnell
Goucher
Earlham
Kalamazoo
Tufts
American
Indiana University
Denison
Kenyon
Eckerd
UDenver
St Lawrence
Hamilton
Tufts
College of Charleston Honors
Penn State Schreyer
Ohio University tutorial college
UNC Asheville honors
ASU Barrett
U Vermont Honors
Look into them - most are relatively laid back and good for IR/Lit. Most will be matches, some safeties and near reaches. At the matches and safeties you should be competitive for merit scholarships. Other than that you have various sizes and locations.
Spend time finding 3 good things about each (I did not list random colleges - figure out why I picked them. And yes I mixed them so it’s not first half IR second half Lit 
)
Out of the 25, select 2-3 safeties you wouldn’t mind attending and 4-5 matches you like.
Apply.
Once that’s done, apply to Harvard and anywhere else.
Keep in mind that " woe is me, I got into ‘not-famous-in-nj-school’ with a Named Scholarship as well as ‘cool college honors’ and ‘absolutely perfect for me University’ and I cannot choose" has its own cachet … Especially if you’ve hyped for months all three choices as well as Harvard as places you’re desperate to attend. A lot of high school perception can be manipulated, especially since come spring most of your classmates won’t be going to the colleges they’re talking about right now.
Try to come to an agreement with your parents that you won’t discuss college except once a week during which time (an hour?an hour an A half?) you will all strive to be calm. State without any petulance, very calmly, the process is affecting your mental health and therefore you promised yourself/your guidance counselor that whenever there is telling on the subject you’ll walk out of the room. Explain your objective and hope is that all will remain calm during the one a week session, you included, and will work hard to do that.
Be ready to accept one “parent pick” per parent.
And no matter where you end up…doing well, forming relationships with professors and getting internships is going to help you excel.
I’m a senior at a super competitive public school in New jersey and I relate. My mindset on the whole thing has been that regardless of where I go, even if it is Rutgers, I will be happy and make the most of it. At the end of the day it’s not the school, it’s how much work you put in. I would recommend applying undecided to colleges if possible to possibly make your parents happy and postpone the conversation until your second year of college( not a permanent fix, but it should get some stress off you for now) and remember that a 3.6 is still way above the average GPA, a lot of GOOD schools will accept you, you just need to find them. College admissions are stressful, I’m stressed right now, but the key is to be positive and know that you will be happy and driven wherever you go. Good luck with your application process, hopefully you do great things in college and beyond!