I’ve been able to be an easy going parent (except for grades- total tiger mom!) because I have rule followers. Even if I didn’t care or agreed, if school had the rule, they followed it. On the one occasion my youngest decided to break the rules, she actually texted me while she was doing it- I was proud she actually broke a rule! The up side of being easy going is I tend to know a whole lot more of what is going on- even their friends tell me stuff they wouldn’t ever share with their parents.
As a teenager, the awful thing about strict parents was the amount of lies and deception my friends would go through just to do things that really weren’t that bad. It was hard not to be a rebel, because there were so many rules, how you could you not break one? As a parent, lying to me will get you in the most trouble. I don’t want or need to know everything, just don’t lie to me. BTW- they do still lie on occasion, usually about something stupid, not worth lying about!
I think some kids just like to push limits more than others. If you have a parent who is a tiger+over-reactor, I think that is a terrible combination. I seen a few kids with that combination end up hospitalized, sometimes for things that most parents would seek help for- but not to that extreme. It then becomes a vicious cycle- they rebel, parent reacts, kid learns being hospitalized is like a vacation.
As far as rebelling in college- they are adults, so I wouldn’t really consider that rebelling as much as trying things they didn’t get a chance to do before. We only have one rule about drinking- don’t drive or get in a car with someone who drank. Even with that, my oldest has never been to a “real” party. There is something about having to come home to mom and dad that might help you learn your limits. Most of my conversations lately have been about how to pace yourself when drinking, don’t take drinks from strangers…I still expect I’ll get a call around 2am with, “Mommy, I love you soooo much, I don’t feel so great.” Even being a laid back parent won’t prevent her from making mistakes and waking me up to share them- but that is what life is about.
I think a lot of it depends on the personality of the kid. Parenting does play a part to a certain extent, but it really isn’t that black and white. I know kids of strict parents who didn’t rebel at all. Part of the reason may have been they weren’t super outgoing or interested in partying and going wild to begin with. They were introverted. I know kids who had very permissive laid back parents who were wild in high school, wild in college, and still are quite wild. They are outgoing and love to party…that’s their personality. My parents were in the middle. They weren’t super strict, but they set reasonable rules and limits. I wasn’t perfect, but I also never went wild and I’m certainly not a prude. Like I said, it isn’t black and white and people all have such different personalities and temperaments.
Also, it’s really no one else’s business how other people parent their children…
I think it is a myth that strict parenting leads to rebellion. It’s just more gossip-worthy when the “preacher’s kid goes wild.” I think it has more to do with personality and peer group.
But I have seen kids of ultra-strict parents lie and sneak around because they couldn’t do anything without breaking several of the hundreds of different rules their parents had set up. I can’t really tell if I’m a strict parent or not. I’m conservative and have high expectations for my kids. But I don’t have or need a system of rules and punishments, and am pretty lax about most things. Maybe my kids don’t think outside the box? No rebels yet, and 5/7 are adults. No rebels among my 6 sibs, either, and our parents were strict.
@ucbalumnus If I witness abuse…yes. Otherwise why do people care how other people parent their children? It really doesn’t make a difference. Worrying about what goes on in other households is not productive.
@atomom exactly! It’s just gossip really and I also think this is a topic that people just love to talk about, so it makes it seem more black and white then it really is. Yep, the preacher’s daughter going wild is a popular topic of conversation.
I think a lot of this boils down to a mismatch between parenting style and child temperament. You can’t always know whether the way you parent your child is exactly what the child needs.
It certainly seems to me that an overly strict parent and a child who is naturally into pushing the limits will result in that child going a little wild as soon as they get out from under the parental roof. But I have seen counter-examples too, with a kid continuing to walk a straight and narrow path while in college.
I also think we parent child 1 differently than child 4, even if we think otherwise. We learn what mattered and what really didn’t so we alter the style with experience.
Our first 3 were easy and we congratulated ourselves for great parenting. We learned otherwise with child 4. I will say we are fairly strict, but with #4 we had to pick our battles and we chose safety. The older ones moaned that she got away with everything, but as they got older they understood that everything was a conflict with her. And she really didn’t get away with much, but we had to use guidance and consequences rather than just rules.
Totally agree with the personality angle. We only have one kid but have several friends with more. It’s surprising to me how different their kids can be given that they’re raised by the same parents in the same house, etc. Even how it can differ as they age. One kid may be great the whole time (K-12) while another may be a monster early and fine later (and vice-versa).
I’d also like to add that most students disobey their parents when they’re told not to drink. Now, it’s almost impossible to keep track of their actions, especially if they live on-campus.
There is also a certain amount of “different is better” mentality when growing up, at least for some.
Not going to live where I grew up nor be like my parents. Whatever you say or do they may do the opposite.
Other kids learn by example and will end up back home looking to live similarly to how/where they grew up.
In the end rebellion is exploration that often leads to a conclusion that the rules and lifestyle required was correct, but some learn better from mistakes than by following. Some never learn. Part of the deal, not knowing the outcome of raising kids, exciting and scary at the same time.
So I was always a great believer in treating people as individuals, figure out what works for them.
There is no correct parenting style, but there may be different styles that work best for each kid.
Some kids need to be encouaged to take more risks and explore more of life, and others need to have limits set.
Know you kid and act accordingly. See how they react, and adjust. Hopefully it all works out in the end, but course correction along the way is needed. Many may disagree and want to strictly define a parent’s role, but your kids are individuals, and what motivates them will vary, there is no right answer here.
One realizes their offspring are their own individual selves and not younger versions of their parents and they get to make their own decisions in their lives, esp since they are adults. I know as a college kid I’d have rebelled a ton had my parents tried to control my life. There’s no way I’d ever plan to do it to my adult kids. We let them have the reins a bit earlier TBH, though with guidance/advice.
This doesn’t mean all kids will go wild. Mine never did - even with no “rules” from mom/dad that they had to obey. They’ve ended up with the same drinking alcohol pattern we have - an occasional bottle of wine or a drink on vacation at dinner. No interest in trying drugs either. But we’d still love them if they’d chosen differently. I can’t fathom anything breaking that bond.
I think there are some interesting points here. When we went to my daughter’s orientation which was a few weeks before school started the head of the school said the kids that went wild with drinking /drugs were the sheltered ones that never did anything prior. She actually suggested letting them have some wine /beer at home responsibly. This is what we always did anyway. If on vacation in Mexico… Having a beer with some tacos. Wine with dinner if we were having some. What we quickly found out was my daughter likes wine and some beers. My son doesn’t like alcohol in general. We just didn’t want them to feel pressured to drink in college and if they really did then they can hold a can of beer all night… Ha… We never really drank around them till they were older then didn’t make a big deal if we wanted wine /beer with dinner. We offered to them when they were like 16 and up. We didn’t make a big deal of their response. But if we had a mixed drink we asked them if they wanted to taste it. They both really didn’t like the taste at all. Good!
As far as leaving campus and letting us know . Personally I think it’s just respectful and how your kids grew up. In Chicago, the kids take trains to busses to get around. Great mass transit to get to anywhere. We just want to know in general. Where/when /who your with. If it’s getting late Just quick text when your on the El Train and when you think you will be home. We do the same. I came home from a White Sox game and left the park at 10 :30 pm. So I texted my wife I was on the train. I texted again when walking home. During the day not so much. My rule was When you go missing I need to let the police know where to start looking… This was always tongue in cheek… But My kids are very good at this. Again we are in big city neighborhood. So at school we just want a quick update. They can do anything they want but it’s respectful to just give us a heads-up. Like, heh I am going to my friends house this weekend. She lives a few hours from campus… We really don’t care but just like to know where they are. If they go off campus for shopping or doing stuff no they don’t have to report to us.
The older I get I truly think it is on the “kid/young adult” solely. Having two (2) of my own play the college game and have seen how so many of their friends have turned out not too mention my own brood from HS to college 25 year ago.
We have all seen screw up HS kids do great things in college and beyond and great HS kids screw up and drop out of college an worse.
In the end it is up to them their choice, their life, my kids are 0 for 2 in college success after both being pretty solid HS kids (26-28 ACT 3.5-3.7UW). Both found “Love” and that was that… everything else fell by the wayside.
Two more to go we will see if “Love” derails their train too or delays it at least.
@Knowsstuff , There’s also a difference between letting your kids have a bit of alcohol while they are teens under your own roof, and providing the keg for all of their friends. The people I know whose kids could have alcohol at home in moderation are a lot less wild today than the ones whose parents were hosting their friends at beer bashes. The former is legal in every state, while the latter is illegal in every state. Not respecting the law in your own home is a bad example . It’s hardly surprising when kids from such families don’t respect the law outside their homes,either.
@Massmomm… I won’t tell you we were the house when I was young that had the live band and people getting high in our basement and drinking… My single mother just thought it was better in our own house then driving somewhere. 70’s were a bit different… But never the less not the correct thing to do.
No, the former is not legal in every state unfortunately. There are a few where it’s not allowed. PA is one of them. Here it’s illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to consume alcohol anywhere - even for religious ceremonies. The only time someone wouldn’t be charged if it were discovered is if they were calling in a medical emergency (911) for another person.
That said… we ignore dumb laws. Our kids were allowed things like champagne at New Year’s or wine with dinner occasionally at our house when they were teens. We also allowed them to take sips of our drinks when we traveled - though overall we only have drinks rarely - once per month or less.