strict parenting & what to do

Pre-College Topics High School Life
1

Hi guys,

I don’t know what to do. A new marking period has just begun, and all my teachers put in the assignments from SAT week. I spent most of that week studying for the SAT, so naturally most of these grades are in the A-/B range. There are lots of tests/projects that will raise my grade, as most of these assignments are just 5 to 10 point things. I’m a good student, and I’ve been getting all A’s since sophomore year (I had two A minuses freshman year).

My mom is freaking out. I tried to explain that I would make it up, and she yelled at me to shut up. I was nervous and began fidgeting, and she hit me on in the face and started screaming about how I was a retard and I should stop fidgeting. She then went upstairs and took away my Princeton and University of Chicago sweatshirts because I’m not going anywhere. And continued screaming.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. Whenever I get grades below an A she gets really angry. She takes away my phone, sometimes rips up my schoolwork, and is always screaming. Today, she forced me to go home right after school today even though NHS elections were today.

I’m okay with her yelling at me, but she calls me names like “stupid” and “retard” and “dumba**.” She’s constantly comparing me to my friends.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to say anything to anyone in real life. My Dad doesn’t say anything, he just tries to stay out of her way. He told me that if I stay quiet, it would stop, but nothing works.

The thing that scares me is college. I’m applying to so many reach schools, and I’m scared about what she’ll do if I don’t get accepted to any. In fact, she’s forcing me to apply to all 8 Ivy leagues to increase my chances, even though I’m only interested in maybe four of the 8 ivies. I really want to go to MIT, but the classes are going to be so hard and I’ll obviously get Bs and even Cs and Ds. I’m so scared of what could happen if I don’t get all A’s, as my parents are the one paying for college.

I know I’ve said this 15 billion times, but I truly don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

Sorry for the post length, but it feels really good to let it all out.

2

Your mother is emotionally and physically abusive. Your post just made me cry. Is there anyone safe you can talk to? Do you have access to counseling? Maybe a friend’s house you can stay at and lay low for a while if she hits you again? :-<

3

I’m sorry. You are being abused both physically and emotionally.

You have several options that I can think of, none of which are great. You need to tell someone because the abuse has to stop.

There are several directions you can go.

  1. You can put up with the abuse for another 18 months but plan on winning a full-ride merit scholarship to gain financial independence. The schools that offer this are Alabama, Pittsburgh and The University of Texas at Dallas. If you win this, they can no longer abuse you. Just forget about depending on your parents to pay for college and go with one of these. Forget about dream schools. Do well at your best merit option and get beyond the need for their financial support. You are smart and resourceful and you can make this work.

  2. You can involve Child Services and have yourself placed in foster care. This will probably not help you academically, but the abuse will end. Your guardian can help you petition to terminate parental rights for abuse and when you are 18 you can be independent for financial aid purposes. If you can even consider this approach you might want to start with your school psychologist.

  3. You can just go to your school psychologist to try to get some emotional support and maybe have someone have a talk with your parents that you will be removed from their custody if they continue to abuse you.

My fear is that if you toe the line and go to an expensive college that your mother will cut you off at your first B. You should not have to live with this abuse or fear a day longer than necessary.

Keep your dreams of a dream life. You don’t need or want a dream school.

4

I am so sorry to hear this. This is called child abuse. Can you talk to your guidance counselor or a school counselor? It won’t be the first time they’ve heard a story like this, I guarantee you. Do you have a friend you can stay with? A family in my neighborhood took in an 11th-grade boy for this exact reason. His parents were abusive when he got anything less than an A.

5

All of the above advice is very smart, and you would be wise to listen to these posters. I agree strongly with option 3 in post #2- it seems to me that your mother is irrational, and getting another adult (a trusted teacher, a friend’s parent) would be better than you trying to reason with her.

Your mother is physically and emotionally abusive, but the issue that triggers this abuse seems to be her ridiculous expectations of you. I don’t mean to assume things at all (and I sincerely hope you don’t take offense to this question), but are your parents immigrants? Sometimes immigrants have mislead ideas of US higher education (I have seen it with my friends’ parents who are immigrants). If a rational adult can explain things to her, there is a small chance that she might understand why A-s/Bs are not bad grades. This doesn’t rectify the abuse problem, but may alleviate it a little.

What grade are you in? Are you a sophomore or a junior? If you take the PSAT (or took it and qualified) you can look for full-ride scholarships for NMF. Look for schools that give merit aid. You could also opt to go the community college route and pay per-class, so you are not financially dependent on your parents.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you, OP. You deserve better.

6

@Hamlon @ClassicRockerDad @brantly @yonceonhismouth Thank you so much guys!

Yeah, I’m a junior and I’ve taken the PSAT. I got a 1440 and I live in Michigan.
My parents are immigrants.

7

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I was abused like this when I was your age, and it is terrifying. I wish I could give you a big mom hug right now.

@ClassicRockerDad has given you the three real options that you have at this point. I think talking to a counselor or professional is a great idea, but they will be legally obligated to report any physical abuse/neglect they are made aware of to authorities, and Child Protective Services will become involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean you will be removed from your home, but it could (former foster parent here).

Do you have other family members, friends, or religious/community leaders that can explain the educational system to your parents (and maybe also explain about child abuse laws)? Do you have anyone safe that you can go to that will protect you and listen to you? You need a defender.

I applaud you for doing so well under such difficult circumstances.

8

That is a great score for a PSAT. Do you know what your selection index was? The cutoff for semifinalist in michigan either last year or the year before was a 210.

I know you dream of going to a top school, and I sympathize. But if you cannot depend on your parent’s financial support, it may be best to look for options you can support yourself (like a national merit scholarship or other academic full ride).

9

@Belle315

She is over 18. Does CPS still have jurisdiction in Michigan at that age?

10

I don’t know about Michigan, but in my state, they have the right to remove a “child” up to 19 years old if they suspect abuse/neglect.

11

I originally wrote something longer but ultimately decided the next paragraph was what was needed most:

What are your goals/needs? Answers could range from: just stopping with the names, a supportive connection with your dad, or getting out of her orbit entirely. Different goals require different tactics.

Finally, I’m sad you’re going through this.

12

I would go to your Guidance Counselor or School Psychologist about this.

Your mother either seems to have some kind of personality disorder or expectations from a different culture.

13

Be sure you apply to a few matches & safeties. Especially ones where you could not live at home. Go away to college, and limit your time at home and contact with your mom. I’m sorry she behaves like this. Your best bet is to get away.

14

"The thing that scares me is college. I’m applying to so many reach schools, and I’m scared about what she’ll do if I don’t get accepted to any. In fact, she’s forcing me to apply to all 8 Ivy league"s

OP, you need to and can address this issue. You must find a way to make your mother understand the “holistic” approach the ivies use to evaluate candidates. It seems to me that your mom thinks that if you just have perfect GPA and test scores you’ll be able to get in. Can you set up an appointment for your GC to speak to your mom about this? Make sure to ask the GC to give her several examples of kids who have perfect stats but failed to get into ivies.

I am not sure if you should mention the abuse. If you do, your GC will have to report it. This could result in big disruptions to your life at a point where you need to focus on your future. Only you can decide.

Try not to worry about not getting A’s once you are in college. You’ll be 18 by then and your parents have no access to your grades. The only grades they’ll see will be what you choose to show them.

Sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck!

15

Is there someone from your immigrant community who your trust and who your mother respects, like a minister, a doctor or the like, who can speak to her? Can you speak to your dad alone and in confidence? Do you have any older siblings or cousins who can help explain things to her?

You should not be hit or screamed at.

Good luck to you.

16

I feel badly for you, but want you to not lose hope that you can cope with this situation. An ally, whether it be a family member or someone else, would help you a lot. Techmom99’s suggestions are very good.

None of us truly know how bad things are there, so it’s hard for us to gauge whether or not outside authorities should be involved.

BTW, I think it needs to be said you sound nothing like a dumbass. Do not let this situation, as distressing as it may be, warp your future.

Reading your post has moved me deeply. I was in a similar, but probably more physical situation many years ago when I was in my childhood and early teens. I coped as best I could, but the road I took( teenage runaway at a young age)was far from ideal. Hopefully you can figure out something smarter , and use the positive forces around you in your life to help solve this problem. Do not go through this alone, but be smart! I know you are young, but you don’t have to be naive. Fight for yourself and your future.

There are PLENTY of smart, fantastic people who did not go to Ivies, or any highly ranked school. It’s not that fucking important.

17

Thanks guys. I didn’t see these replies until now. @Belle315 @fragbot @bopper @intparent @bestmom888 @techmom99 @57special

18

Well, people don’t marry randomly - your father seems like a good match for your mother.

You have 1+ year to go. Not sure I would lawyer up with CPS but that’s your call. There is no way that CPS will remove you from your parents’ custody for a mom-slap and I doubt she has signed a non-retaliation parenting agreement with you. So beware.

The advice I liked best was to position yourself to be independent while in college. With good enough grades and stats, plus some summer work, you could be self sufficient and graduate from a good school with no debt. But that won’t be Ivy League. You can go through the motions of applying to all of them to appease the beast but submitting private applications to Alabama and similar colleges that offer full-tuition or full-ride scholarships would be wise.

If you do get accepted to an Ivy League school, you would be a fool to attend given that you would be choosing 4 more years of your mom’s dramatics. Instead, you should be preparing yourself mentally to be setting some hard limits with her once you go off to school. If you don’t do it then, it won’t get easier later. Don’t consider going to a lower tier school to be a low tier option. For you it is an ideal option and a great reward for your hard work and endurance of lousy parenting.

19

Document the abuse and talk to the school psychologist or counselor.
Find an advocate in your immigrant community (if you can trust somone to take your side over your mother’s).
Do what it takes to be safe.

20

As someone in a similar situation, CPS will do little to help and will probably makes things a lot worse. I’m so sorry about your situation, I think the best course of action is just to wait it out and get into a good college and get your independence there. You seem like a really smart and capable person, but make sure when you are applying to colleges you get maximum amount of financial aid so you have little dependency on your mom as possible. This will make it much easier to confront her about her abuse and attitude once you are in college without any negative repercussions towards your education. In the meantime, try to talk to someone, anyone (a friend, sibling, online chat rooms etc), that wont make the situation worse (like CPS) and definitely document all of it. Please, put your safety first always <3