<p>Let him decide. Be open to what he thinks will best lay a foundation for his future as a grown-up man.</p>
<p>Emily, your son is only a freshman in HS. Granted, four years is not a long time for us, but for him it will be practically a lifetime. At least, it will probably be the most memorable four years of his life. I have a feeling that your feelings will become more agitated rather than less as he gets older. Your worrying about all this now is a sure way to ensure that he will want to get away when he’s finally able. That’s the way most kids seem to work. At the least, you’ll miss out on a lot of great memories if you’re already thinking so much about the inevitable day he leaves. And he WILL leave, even if he never leaves your town. He will marry some day and shift his loyalty to his wife and his new family. And when that happens, it will probably be his wife (and her mother) who will call the shots, but I’m getting ahead of myself here! ;)</p>
<p>* And he WILL leave, even if he never leaves your town. He will marry some day and shift his loyalty to his wife and his new family. And when that happens, it will probably be his wife (and her mother) who will call the shots, but I’m getting ahead of myself here!*</p>
<p>LOL…I was actually thinking the same thing. He could meet a girl at his local college, and then move away to live in her home town - which may be across the country.</p>
<p>OP…in my family we have 4 kids graduating in the same year(one first cousin and two second cousins)</p>
<p>The first, we’ll call her J is not leaving home-wouldn’t even think of it. She will communte at least for 2 years if not all four. Her mother is very happy that she is staying as they are very clost
The second D is going to commute as well for two years and then move away. This is out of financial necessity. He’s glad to stay, but at the same time will want to get out soon. His mom doesn’t care either way
The third C is definately going at least a few hours away from home. Her older brother goes to school in the UK. They all are dying to get out and their mom supports them-but will miss them
The fourth(me) is going as far away from home as is practical( I did not apply instate as I did not want to end up at Pitt or PSU). My mom thinks this is essential for growing up and would not dream of stopping me.</p>
<p>Each of us has different needs and that’s ok. But, if your son is like me or C, then you need to let him leave the nest. If he’s more like D or J, then let him stay…but you need to be flexible</p>
<p>You seem to be thinking in the long term – to where your son will live after college. </p>
<p>But where young people end up living often has little to do with where they went to college.</p>
<p>My son attended college 40 minutes from home. He lived on campus (and in his last two years, in an off-campus apartment), but he could easily come home when he wanted to. One might think that a young person in his situation would settle in the same area after college, but in fact, he moved to the other side of the country for graduate school and we are lucky if we see him once a year now. He likes the West Coast so much that I think he will seek a job there when he finishes graduate school. Unless my husband and I happen to move, it is unlikely that we will ever live near him again.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my daughter attends college seven hours from home, but because of her particular career plans, I think she is likely to end up in one of the big East Coast cities after graduation – probably within easy traveling distance from where my husband and I live.</p>
<p>So if they both have children, the grandchildren I am more likely to see on a fairly regular basis will be those born to the one who went to college farther away. Ironic?</p>
<p>Sorry it took so long for me to come back and thank everybody for your wonderful thoughtful responses - I took my time reading every single one of them with great interest.</p>
<p>I am at work right now and will try to respond to many posts all at once in no particular order. </p>
<p>I do think that my opinion on this is definitely based on the cultural norms I grew up with and also on a larger life philosophy. A lot of you guys point out that everything should be based on his wishes alone and while it’s my utmost dream that he is happy with his life in general and with his career choice in particular, I also strongly believe that we don’t live in a vacuum and should consider our parents and other people when making decisions. We’ve been in the States for almost 18 years now and my parents don’t speak English that well so I end up making tons of phone calls for them and spending a lot of time helping them out. I wouldn’t dream of getting up and moving somewhere even if a better job presented itself because I know they need me and it’s hard for them to move somewhere else. </p>
<p>There is a lot to be said for having your family nearby. My son has very close relationship with both sets of his grandparents and he himself said it’s hard for him to imagine not having them in his life the way he does now which means seeing them all the time. I went back to work when he was 3 months old and his grandparents were the ones who stepped in and babysat for him until he started kindergarten. My mom still comes to my house and cooks when she feels like it. Does it make me less independent? I think if anything, it just makes me feel more loved and seeing your family couple of times a year wouldn’t even come near anything like that. </p>
<p>There have been many many times when I really felt like I needed more distance from my parents and I don’t cover it up from my son either. He knows how I feel at times and I tell him that just like everything else in life, you can’t always have what YOU want and what YOU need without considering other people. </p>
<p>It’s about larger priorities in life. What is more important to you: have a better job and not see your family or vice versa? To me, the choice is clear: family always comes first.</p>
<p>Wonderful point about him “leaving” anyway once he gets married or actually he is talking about moving out once he is out of school and has a job. I am dreading it but i know it has to happen.</p>
<p>I know that in this country individual happiness and freedom comes first and that’s where we are different. It’s funny but the more we live here and the older I get, the more I am going back to the way I was raised and I like that approach better. </p>
<p>Having said that, I had a conversation with my son and told him if we lived in the area where there were no good schools around, all bets would be completely off and i wouldn’t even dare to raise the subject but we live in the suburb of Philadelphia so there are plenty of wonderful schools around including some Ivy League schools.</p>
<p>Finances are not an issue and is not a reason for me preferring that he stays at home but to tell you the truth, he is considering going to law school and i’d rather spend 40k or so to contribute to that than to spend on him living in the dorm and sharing a room with strangers. </p>
<p>I have stayed at home while going to college and so did most of my friends and family and let me tell you, it didn’t hurt us one bit and we are just as independent as people who went away to college, we’ve had our fun and met a lot of different people. We travel a lot now and he is certainly being introduced to a lot of different cultures.</p>
<p>A very good point about commuting, we’ve talked about that too and of course he’ll have to see if this becomes a determining factor in choosing a school.</p>
<p>All in all, I completely agree with you that ultimately, we don’t know what the future holds and if he feels very strongly about moving away then of course he will. But I’ve made my feelings known to him and all I ask is that he considers it and weighs his decision carefully.
Choosing the school is one of those life turning decisions and should be looked at from a bigger picture perspective.</p>
<p>An enormous thanks again to everybody for your input!!</p>
<p>“It’s about larger priorities in life. What is more important to you: have a better job and not see your family or vice versa? To me, the choice is clear: family always comes first.”</p>
<p>What about the idea of your moving to be close to your son if he settles down elsewhere? At some point, you will no longer be responsible for your parents, and you’ll be retired, so under “family comes first”, why not consider following your son?</p>
<p>What if your son marries someone whose family lives elsewhere? Under “family first” whose family should prevail? </p>
<p>I can see why you stayed near your parents due to their not knowing the language. I think, however, your son will be in a different situation, and you’ll eventually be more mobile than you are right now.</p>
<p>When it comes to “family first” how do you reconcile that philosophy with the fact that when your parents emigrated from their home countries, they left behind their own families?</p>
<p>My parents didn’t really leave any families behind. My only living grandma came with us and both my mom and dad are the only children so other than some cousins, there was really nobody left in Ukraine.</p>
<p>You raise really good questions about my “family first” theory and I know it’s hard sometimes to balance it. I guess my answer is that i don’t know what would happen if he were to meet someone who is not local. My overprotective nature wants to say “well, then marry someone local” but of course that’s silly…</p>
<p>*What is more important to you: have a better job and not see your family or vice versa? To me, the choice is clear: family always comes first."
*</p>
<p>When we were transferred across the country (which meant that I left my entire family and beloved Orange County), it wasn’t to get a “better job,” it was to HAVE A JOB. Right now, there are no jobs in OC. What were we to do, go on unemployment, lose our home, etc - just to be by my family??? My family would have not liked that at all!</p>
<p>
But family <em>does</em> come first…if by coming first one means, having each individual maximize their potential. Too often, “family first” means “doing what the parents want” or, even more narrowly, “doing what the husband wants.”</p>
<p>You have valid reasons for needing to stay near your parents…your son doesn’t have the same reason to make the same sacrifice.</p>
<p>Distance does not mean diminished love. Nor does proximity ensure same…in fact, a stifling atmosphere can stunt it.</p>
<p>My Russian-Latvian grandparents and their 13 children arrived in this country in June, 1940…the end of a saga that began in 1922.<br>
Their children today live from Fairfax, VA to Palo Alto, CA and from Hadley, MA to Austin, TX.</p>
<p>Is it a sacrifice to want to live near your parents? I always wanted to live near mine. In fact, I lived in their house (2 family) for the first 3 years I was married. My daughters both want to live close to me and to each other eventually (granted they are only 17 and 11).</p>
<p>Different families are different. My husband for example, wanted to get as far away from his mother as possible.</p>
<p>Emily, I get what you’re saying. I think that there are many families in this country who feel as you do, I just think not as many of those families are represented here on CC. Where we live, many children go to college in-state, not because their parents are controlling their lives, but because that’s what <em>they</em> want. Some children <em>do</em> want to be close to home.</p>
<p>My husband’s large family is scattered all over the country; my small family lives in the area we live in. My mom owned a day care center so that when I went back to work after DD was born, I handed my newborn to familiar arms. My MIL, on the other hand, didn’t have the opportunity to really get to know her grandchildren because they were all over the country and a one week visit in the summer is nice, but it’s not the same.</p>
<p>Dear MIL passed away recently and at her memorial service, her sister told me how fortunate my parents are to have had their grandchild so close to them where they could really <em>know</em> her.</p>
<p>I do think that this generation now in college has so many more opportunities than we had so I’ve encouraged my daughter to travel, explore and find her passion. She’s now applying to graduate schools all over so we don’t know where she will land. She says one day she’d like to move back to our area at least within driving distance to raise her own family.</p>
<p>I agree with the idea of moving to where the kids are located. My husband and I have been caretakers for our parents and siblings for a long time. When we decided to move 15 years ago, my father did not want to move with us. He was younger back then, but as the years went on he needed to be closer to us. Finally, two years ago we moved my dad to our town and things have been so much easier. I would want to be as self sufficient as possible without being a chore to my kids and, if that meant moving to where they were located than thats what I would do.</p>
<p>I live next door to my in-laws and can vouch for the fact that it has bee hugely important in the lives of my three kids to have their grandparents close. It has also been fabulous for me to have the built in support.</p>
<p>I also live one town over from my parents and that has not been so great. My mother has never really become used to the idea that her kids have grown up. She longs for the days when we were little and she was the center of our worlds. She resents our spouses and to a degree she resents the grandkids because their needs sometimes conflict with and supplant her own. She refuses to let go of our child-selves and as a result has driven a wedge between herself and us, her adult children.</p>
<p>My H and I chose to build our house next door to the in-laws. No one asked us to. No one made us feel we had to. By contrast the apron strings my mother tried to tie around us are frayed and broken because she held them too tightly. </p>
<p>I know your comment that he marry a local girl was offhand and intended to be light hearted but because of my experience it’s a bit of a red flag to me. I hope that things work out beautifully for you and your S and you both are happy and fulfilled but he was born to find his own way not to make you happy. I do think your expectations, like my mothers, may be unrealistic.</p>
<p>When my children were younger, I always thought they would lead autonomous lives when they grew up and actually looked forward to the day when I wouldn’t be tied to their needs. Now that they ARE grown up, I’m starting to feel more “old country” every day! I feel very lucky indeed that they are both very attached to their home town and to their father and me, although neither live at home at present. If we lived in some isolated rural area without many opportunities, I would probably be less happy about this but we live in a large city with plenty of everything. </p>
<p>But I still believe that it’s important for them to choose to be close to their family. I would not appreciate their being close by if I had to pressure them. Visits would probably not be very pleasant either, what with their resentment. It sounds like your S and you are of like minds about this so perhaps you’ll both negotiate all this gracefully. I completely agree that this country puts too much emphasis on individual happiness at the expense of family (and other) obligations. Personally, I like a middle ground. I like my own independence too!</p>
<p>OP: I think everyone is in sympathy with your desire to be close to your son. I doubt if there is one parent here who doesn’t adore their children.</p>
<p>I think the sticking point for some posters is the question of much of your son’s voice you hear when you have it all worked out in your head already.</p>
<p>Our kids surprise us. Leave open room for surprise.</p>
<p>And, surprisingly, I feel as close to D in Atlanta (a plane ride away) as I did when she was in NYC (a 2 hour car ride away.) </p>
<p>And as much as I adore it when they’re home, since they went to college, I have written two novels and worked on many aspects of my own life (including health issues) that I never found time to do when absorbed in theirs.</p>
<p>Having more daily freedom also allowed me to be a better daughter. I helped my 85 year old mom sell, pack and move from a home she’d lived in for 50 years. I also helped un pack and decorate her new home. I had hours on end to give to her without a thought of what “the kids” were doing, and when they returned they admired her new home and their mother’s handiwork as well.</p>
<p>I do agree that we belong to each other. But there are so many things we can give each other beyond the proximity of our physical bodies. When D spent a semester in London I felt I was in London, too, and S is going to be studying in Athens (we think) and I am so excited about going there too.</p>
<p>When foot was the only way to get to the next town, the next town was far away, indeed. Now that I can see my child across the world on skype in a nanosecond, it’s not very far away at all.</p>
<p>And the comment about living with strangers? Hm. Everyone starts out a stranger and can become a friend. That’s one of the points about college, and life in general – enlarging the world. Are you a bit phobic perhaps about what happens in a dorm? Substance abuse and sex? It’s not an ungrounded worry, but responsible kids can stand up to these challenges.</p>
<p>Oh yes, I am phobic about that and do realize that I have a general tendency towards needing assurances and being able to plan things out and prepare for things - absolutely, that’s just a part of who I am. It also has to do with how I was brought up - in the country where being Jewish didn’t help matters and we were really taught to go above and beyond and have everything figured out and needing to be better than many others in order to even get into college. </p>
<p>So yes, I am sure a lot of it is my personality too and I hear you guys when you say that I need to look at his needs and wants and I agree. </p>
<p>My son is my life so that also adds up to my fear of letting go so it’s a combination of a lot of different factors. I can’t imagine my life without doing things for him and taking care of him and the same goes for my husband, that’s just who I am - if we think of a mission we have in life mine is to take care of people I love… I talk to my son a lot about it and try to explain to him that it’s not the desire to control, it’s the desire to take care and that’s how I show love which may sound weird or wrong to some and they may show their love for their children in a different way.</p>
<p>I can’t wait to become a grandma and my friends and co-workers tease me about it constantly. A lot of women would rather postpone that time indefinitely because it makes them feel old. Not me - I love small children so that’s a big part of it too. </p>
<p>I absolutely agree with everybody who said that if he is MADE to stay at home as opposed to CHOSE it, he will resent us for sure but I also don’t feel it’s right just to step aside completely and not even tell him how I feel and not to bring up the future and the possibility of his children seeing their grandparents a few times a year for the holidays - that is just unimaginable to me. </p>
<p>Only the future will tell but he knows where I stand and we’ll have to see what he chooses to do.</p>
<p>As far as everybody starting out as a strangers, yes, true but again different people react to this differently. I don’t think you necessarily have to share a room with someone to make friends, it can be done in so many other ways and again I know for effect it’s possible because I’ve lived it. Granted, I am an introvert and I don’t need a lot of friends or constant human interaction, I am just fine reading my book or cooking for my family. My son seems to be very similar to me personality wise so I don’t think that would be a problem for him. Plus, I’ve heard many-many stories about horrible roommates and kids not being able to do any studying and what are they in college for anyway?
Learning I think…</p>
<p>historymom, I think you said some really good things in #54, especially:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I want to be gentle to the OP but just say –
Emily, your parents, as wonderful as they are, and were, to move to the US with limited language skills, they set up a dependency relationship that you have little chance of changing at this point. Right now you are in the middle of it, so you don’t see that, in effect, they have made you the parent of the parents.</p>
<p>In the ideal world, wonderful colleges offering the full array of studies, courses, and research would be available anywhere, so going all the way across the country would never be necessary (although many would still choose to do that anyway). I majored in Art History, what was available to me in small-town Midwest? Not much. I spent 2 years getting excellent grades at my home college and then went to Paris. Studied art all over Europe. That’s what I had to do, what I chose to do.</p>
<p>I hate that my children are away, I miss their wonderful presence, their personalities, their humor, their energy. But I would not prevent them from having their lives. That would just be a grievous wrong.</p>
<p>Well, again, I think it depends on how you were brought up and what you believe in.
In my culture, you help your parents, it’s your duty because they’ve sacrificed plenty for me. In american culture, it’s perfectly fine to put your parents in the nursing home - well, I guess everybody has their own values and priorities.
And also, I do not parent my parents at all, yes, they have limitations due to the language barriers but they are smart, educated and otherwise independent people.</p>
<p>I don’t think that raising a child who is capable of not just looking for his own happiness and joy but is responsible enough to think of others is not that bad at all.</p>
<p>" can’t wait to become a grandma and my friends and co-workers tease me about it constantly. A lot of women would rather postpone that time indefinitely because it makes them feel old. Not me - I love small children so that’s a big part of it too. </p>
<p>I absolutely agree with everybody who said that if he is MADE to stay at home as opposed to CHOSE it, he will resent us for sure but I also don’t feel it’s right just to step aside completely and not even tell him how I feel and not to bring up the future and the possibility of his children seeing their grandparents a few times a year for the holidays - that is just unimaginable to me. "</p>
<p>Do keep in mind that there’s a chance that your S may not want to get married or to have kids or he may choose to delay marriage/kids for a very long time. If he marries, his spouse’s idea of appropriate grandparenting may differ from yours and your son’s idea of appropriate grandparenting may differ, too, even from what he may right now think would be perfect. </p>
<p>Much as you’d like to plan ahead, one can only do that so much. There always will be things beyond your control. This includes the fact that your S may love you deeply, but still may have good reasons to move away eventually. Those reasons could relate to what’s best for his future wife and his kids.</p>
<p>Even if he marries a local young woman, her parents may retire and move away, and consequently, holidays, etc. may need to be split between families.</p>