Hi, so I’ve been in college for a little over a month, and have just been struggling mentally with a few things. To begin, I went random for a roommate and ended up getting assigned a triple. The first few days, my roommates are I were getting along, but as the week went on, they began excluding me. My roommates became friends with these girls in a double and made a group chat without me in it and literally ran off after some assembly meeting we had. I made another friend with a girl on my floor that I was hanging out with during orientation week, but she made another group of friends and pretty much stopped responding to my texts. Im at a big school so I have some class friends that I talk to and am in a decent amount of clubs but it feels like I never see the same people so it is difficult to actually form close friendships. I’ve thought about transferring for the spring semester to a smaller school, but mostly due to the stress of having to transfer mid semester, decided I would give my school at least a year. For the most part, I believe that my roommates are the main source of my problems. Whenever.I invite them to do things, they pretty much always say no. The first few weeks, I’ve invited myself whenever they were going out somewhere but have pretty much given up on that since. It would be nice to be included every once in a while and have a friendship that goes beyond just saying hi and bye. Whenever I’m in the room, we just don’t really talk and it feels like I’m just really struggling to click with them where I don’t feel entirely comfortable in my own room and it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety. I’ve thought about talking to my RA about this to get her advice but don’t know if that would make the situation worse. I’ve been going home pretty much every weekend since I’m a short commute away but always feel stressed and embarrassed about that but know that if I stayed the weekend, I wouldn’t really have anyone to hang out with and would instead just be stuck in a room with people who don’t really want to see me.
Hi…I’m a mom and not another student, but I think a lot of people go through what you’re going through. I definitely recommend talking with the RA and trying to get involved in whatever is happening around the dorm. If there are common areas to study, try to hang out where others are walking by/congregating. It can be really hard in the first few weeks to find your people.
I know it is tempting to go home rather than staying on campus, especially if you don’t feel welcome in your own room, but try to stick it out. If there’s an event/club meeting/game on the weekend, make a commitment that you’ll attend that.
Look around for other people that might be struggling too and see if you can find someone to join you for dinner/a walk/a trip to the gym. It can be really hard to make the first move, but the worst that happens is they say no.
It can take a while to find your people, but it will happen if you put yourself out there.
Good luck to you.
STOP GOING HOME. You can’t expect to be making friends outside of your dorm room if you aren’t there! There are nice people going to movies, going out for ice cream, taking swing dancing classes, organizing a coat drive for the unhoused people in your school’s neighborhood-- but you aren’t meeting them because you are sleeping in your childhood bedroom.
Your roommates don’t want to be your friends? Great, stop trying. You need to be out there, you need to sit down at a table at lunch with people you don’t know; you need to get a job on campus where you are meeting people and having an opportunity to say “do you want to go get dinner when our shift is done?”.
You can do this!!!
Join some clubs, stay weekends, 2 out of 5 kids if mind found lasting friendships with roommates (and 1 of those was in a triple, they were friendly with the 3rd but she was definitely more reserved although they loved getting her to go out, even though they didn’t up hanging together throughout the years they did all take freshman dorms pics together before graduation). Your people are on campus, I have a niece and nephew who are freshmen at college who feel exactly like you do. If it’s a big school there must be a lot of organizations looking for new members. My oldest came home for lunch everyday in first grade the first few weeks (they could stay or go home for the hour), big mistake on my part, her younger siblings stayed in school, lesson learned.
My daughter had a roommate her freshman year who she was very happy with. But they never actually did anything together outside the dorm. They had a great relationship when they were in the room together and supported each other as well as being on the same page about roommate issues. They had very different sets of activities, classes, and friends.
Also it takes months, maybe a whole year, to develop real friendships.
It sounds like there are two issues: 1) you haven’t felt like you’re making much progress yet towards making friends and 2) you and your roommates aren’t clicking to the point that you feel uncomfortable in your own room. The two are probably exacerbating each other to a certain extent.
I think the prior posters have a lot of great suggestions to address the first issue. Stay on campus over the weekend, put yourself out there as much as you can (I know that’s so hard), keep on with clubs and activities even though you haven’t felt yet like that’s landed you some friends. Know that it’s still very early days, and that many many students take months, or even longer, to make even one pretty close friend in college. (Although I know it doesn’t feel that way and that it seems like everyone around you already has multiple really good friends, I promise you, they don’t. There are tons of students out there just like you who are still trying to find their people).
But, I do think that the second issue is worthy of some additional attention. If you are truly uncomfortable in your own room, to the extent it makes you not want to stay on campus, then you should explore your options. Most schools have a process where you can change rooms, and you should figure out what that process is. That probably involves first speaking with your RA, but it likely ultimately will entail making a formal request for a room change. Don’t be afraid to do that if you need to - lots of students have issues with their roommates and need to change. It’s a normal part of college and you shouldn’t feel like you have to suck it up if your roommates are making you feel that uncomfortable.
Good luck - I know this is so hard right now, but it will get better.
It is very normal for the transition to college to take the better part of a year. I encourage you to join a club or organization that is built around a shared social activity — not just academic clubs.
Focus on your own interests. Like a board game club or a running club or a local faith-based group or intramural sport or improv group. Whatever is your kind of thing where you are likely to find your kind of people.
What you are describing is so common. Please read this thread: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/t/to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc/
100%, do not go home over the weekend because you are, without realizing it, making your situation worse. Everyone is away from home, and during the week, it’s harder to make friends because of classes. Weekends are for meeting people and making friends. Everyone is doing this every weekend while you are home. So please just grit your teeth and stay at college every weekend.
Lots of people don’t gel with their roommates. My own kid didn’t, no option to come home, so she had to make friends outside of her dorm room. She was very shy and awkward, but got through it, and so can you. You’re in clubs and are chatting to people in classes, so you are off to a good start.
Give yourself time and stop going home. Trust us when we say it isn’t helping. And don’t even think of transferring unless you are sure you’re not going to be tempted to run home when things get tough. Because this is a tough time, and maybe everyone else seems to be having an amazing time, but trust us again, they are all going through a similar experience right now. Hang in there!
P.S. Talk to the RA, that’s what they are there for!
You need to hear this again. STOP GOING HOME. You are fast becoming the person who isn’t worth making plans with --stop, wait for it…–because you aren’t there half the time anyway. Why bother to even ask? And obviously (to your roommates at least) you’ve already indicated that you aren’t interested in them or doing things–why? Because you leave the campus on the very days you can actually make friends and DO something.
Now maybe your roommates and you don’t click–they’re nice but you don’t have anything really in common. That’s fair. I get it. But no matter–events happen on weekends–sports, club activities, dorm activities, church activities. They aren’t happening at home I can guarantee.
I’m going to take a step back and say that it sounds like it feels overwhelming to you right now to figure out how to find and make friends. And, at a bigger school, one can have so many opportunities it can be difficult to figure out which ones to make. Decision fatigue is real.
One thing my most organized child does at the beginning of each school year is to create goals for herself. She then breaks those goals down into smaller ‘sub goals’.
So, perhaps you might do something like create two goals:
- Make 2-3 friends by end of the year.
- Join 1-2 clubs/organizations.
Now, the next step is to then figure out what you need to do to work towards your goal.
Step 1:
Stay on campus, including weekends
Step 2:
Start going to organization/club meetings to figure out which 1-2 you want to join. You will also meet people interested in the same activities you are!
Step 3:
Talk to you RA about how to feel more connected to your dorm floor, activities you might be unaware of, etc. This is also a good time to ask about how to make a room switch, or get advice as to how to better accept the room you have.
Step 4:
Get out of your dorm room and get fresh air. Or go to the gym. Exercise is really important in both your physical health and also your mental health.
Step 5:
When you meet someone you think might be fun to hang out with - ask them for their contact info to set up going to coffee/lunch/etc.
This is one of the hardest steps as you will be turned down sometimes. Two good things to remember; 1. It gets easier to ask every time you practice 2. If you don’t put yourself out there, it’s a no anyways.
Try to set up one new coffee, lunch, hang out at the gym every week. Keep meeting new people who will in turn help you meet more people.
Step 6:
Keep on doing the steps until you have found the right clubs/orgs to join. Keep asking new people to do stuff until you find a few people you like doing things with who also enjoy you!
Lots of good advice here. One more vote for finding clubs of interest to you. It doesn’t even have to be something you ate good at, just something you might be interested in. One of my s’s took up breakdancing!! (Any kind of dancing is probably not in our gene pool anywhere!) Are you at all religious or spiritual. Would looking into a faith based group be of interest (BE CAREFUL to avoid ones that are potentially cult-like). Also agree that you have to be on campus to make friends. Good luck.
I am so impressed with you. I usually tell students to bet on themselves and get out of their comfort zone. Go for it… Your doing all of it but yes going home is deflating what could be success.
First off and it’s going to be hard to hear this… Your trying too much. Be yourself, do things on campus you love with like minded people and people will come to you. All advice above is great.
If your going home how can you go to the football game you really don’t want to go to? My kids met people at the bus stop going to the same events or on the busses going somewhere. Feel strange going alone. Cool. So does everyone else that is going alone. Both kids met people this way. You high five someone next to you and their in a group and you do casual talk… No issue with saying you don’t know many people and if they want to hang, get a pizza, study together, exchange contacts etc etc.
There was a girl that posted on her schools Facebook group that she wants to meet people and she likes to play tennis. Within 10 minutes she had 6 people reach out to her.
My son met his best school friends and creating a tech group by taking a chance on himself by answering another students Facebook. He was the only one that responded and it created huge opportunities on campus for him and the board became his friend group.
Both my kids had roommate issues. Girls can be downright mean also. Just be kind. Do your own thing. If they don’t want to hang with you, their loss. Your amazing. You will find others that are amazing also.
Again, become active on campus by doing things you enjoy. My daughter tried square dancing, just because… She had a blast. I can give you many examples but you have to make yourself happy first. It will feel very lonely at first but others will find you. But they won’t find you when you go home.
Hang in there!
Look for activities where you’ll be around the same people – a job, volunteering, exercise class, faith community activities-- because it’s easier to get to know people when you see them regularly. Also, look for activities where you will have something to DO rather than having to feel awkward as you try to connect with folks.
Many international students are also struggling as they try to navigate a new culture, so you might seek them out. Your local knowledge would be greatly appreciated, and you’d get to meet some interesting folks. And who knows? You might find someone else looking for a roommate switch.
And yes, talk to your RA! Also, if you keep feeling disconnected, visit the counseling center. Many put together groups, and you will find you are not alone – and quite likely among friends.
Roomate situations can be difficult. It would be ideal if you all clicked with each other, but that happens for students less often than you might think. I like your strategy of joining clubs, but please get even more involved in them. They will keep you busy, be fun, - and your dedication to them will bring other people toward you. I would definitely speak to the RA and would also consider talking to CAPS. Sometimes school counseling centers even have an anonymous teletherapy 3rd party solution and that may be even better. Good luck and sorry about the situation.