<p>Looking for any advice on my college freshman being away at school and missing his high school girlfriend. I want him to enjoy his new college life, not being on Facebook or on the phone with her all of the time. Any advice of how to handle. I see he talks with her sometimes 3 hours a day. I want him doing his work, getting sleep, and doing the college stuff. I know he is an adult and can make these decisions himself so need to approach situation carefully.</p>
<p>You might tell him that he would miss her less, and that she would miss him less, if he found some other things to occupy himself with. My fiance and I are seniors and have always gone to different schools and I believe I would be miserable if we sat on the phone three hours a day. Missing each other less does not mean bad things for the relationship and it doesn’t have to mean moving on, it is just not healthy to be so obsessed with maintaining the connection that you forsake other parts of your life-- for the individuals or for the relationship. He may say he doesn’t care about the other parts of his life, but he ought to care about hers and this isn’t healthy for her either. However, you’d have to explain this to him in the least “mother knows best” tone you can muster, or he’ll surely tell you you’re wrong. He probably will anyway, but sometimes we tell our parents off for nagging at the time and remember what they said later. I would guess eventually he will be sick of the constant emotional strain of remaining so attached to her, and will either put some healthy distance or end the relationship.</p>
<p>The more you butt heads with him about his relationship with his girlfriend, the more you’re going to drive him to stick with her. Ignore… Ignore…Ignore. I know it’s difficult to not get involved, but this is something that he’s going to have to figure out on his own. Sit back and be there if (and when) the relationship fizzles. Have you heard of the Turkey Drop?
Well, sometimes it happens during the Christmas break.</p>
<p>Bite your lip. Don’t say a word about the girlfriend. What you can do is set a GPA expectation for him if you are paying his tuition/room/board. Also, you can refuse to pay for his visits home (other than the normal academic breaks) if the reason for him coming home is to visit the girlfriend.</p>
<p>How do you know he’s talking to her up to three hours a day? Did he admit this? If so, that’s not a bad thing. He’s not hiding or lying about his actions.</p>
<p>I think you could change your perspective on this. He’s not out partying, chasing tail, or other shenanigans if he’s busy with her. She’s actually helped anchor him a bit. As long as he’s doing well at school then I don’t see anything wrong with it other than it may not jive with what you expected him to do at college. </p>
<p>The last thing you want is for him to feel cut off and isolated from her and then want to leave and come home for good because of her. Hopefully as he gets more settled in he will get distracted with other things as will she as she progresses through high school. In the meantime, all you can do watch and wait. Anything else could backfire.</p>
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Great advice.</p>
<p>Telling your son that you won’t pay for his trip home if he’s coming to see his girlfriend only means he will not be honest with you about why he wants to come home. You do not want to shut off the lines of communication. You don’t want him lying. It sounds right now that the communication is open and, even though the Mom doesn’t like what she’s hearing, it’s a two way street.</p>
<p>Making threats will only strengthen his resolve and make YOU the bad guy that is keeping him from his girlfriend NOT college…</p>
<p>do you really want to be there?</p>
<p>Assuming her son is communicating with her honestly then why in the world would she do anything to jeopardize that?</p>
<p>Not sure who is paying for the phone … but if it is the parents they do not have to sign up for a plan that allows for 20+ hours of talk per week … I agree that the parents should not complain about the relationship or try to talk their child into other activities; however they do not need to finance them either … if the BF and GF want to fund calls, texts, and trips more power to them.</p>
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<p>Some Modern Youth apparently have a new fangled invention they call the Skype.</p>
<p>Don’t intervene.</p>
<p>With regard to financing how they communicate: imo any limits should be related to academic performance, not the relationship per se.</p>
<p>So, for example, it would be reasonable to limit texting if there were, say, 6000 texts a month in each direction. Such texting can be reasonably expected to impair academic performance. However, it would appear to be a transparent ploy to attack the relationship if you were, without warning, to announce that no texting will be allowed.</p>
<p>As long as he is meeting academic expectations, there is not much you can do about his personal relationships. The whole thing may actually backfire on you if he interprets your position as not liking his girlfriend. We had a similar situation last year with my son where he resorted to lying and sneaking behind our back to avoid any difference of opinion. Not good. I think eventually he will realize what a drag it is to be pining away for someone in a different city even as his life passes him by. And if not then it will be his college years he wasted trying to keep that flame going. Bummer, I know, but nothing anyone says will make a bit of difference. He has to come to the realization on his own.</p>
<p>“Telling your son that you won’t pay for his trip home if he’s coming to see his girlfriend only means he will not be honest with you about why he wants to come home.”</p>
<p>^I respectfully disagree with this statement. It is not the responsibility of the parents to finance the sons relationship with his girlfriend. If he wants to come home at times other than the set academic breaks, let him use his own money to pay for the travel expenses. </p>
<p>The important thing is to not say a word about the girl or the relationship. I know it’s hard to step back and not speak your mind about the relationship. However, the more you try to get him to rethink the relationship, the more you’re going to push him to want to keep it going. </p>
<p>I would set clear expectations regarding GPA. The girlfriend relationship is something he needs to figure out.</p>
<p>Another reason to keep quiet: What if he did pull back a bit from the time spent online and on the phone with her, as per your suggestion, and then she broke up with him? Who do you think would get the blame?
This is your son’s time to sort out his own life and priorities. You can’t do it for him.
How do you know that this girl isn’t “the one?” She could be your future daughter-in-law.
Have a little faith in your boy. If it isn’t working for him, he’ll make a change.</p>
<p>I also agree with Denise, above, who intimated that the partying and other activities he might be doing instead are not necessarily all that healthy, either.</p>
<p>NY, of course the parents have every right to determine how much and when and why they will finance trips back home from college. However, if they are going to be smart about it they will not use the trips as a punishment or manipulation in response to the involvement with the girlfriend. They are <em>two separate issues</em> and should be treated as such. If they want to limit his exposure to her then fine, do it, just don’t broadcast your intentions so that it creates ill will. Take her off of the table completely…so to speak.</p>
<p>Say she lays down her ‘I’m not paying and you can’t come home just to see her’ card. What next? If she’s lucky her son will respect his parents boundaries and the girlfriend will be put on the back burner where OP wants her to be. But if he’s like most love stricken home sick puppies then the action will create ill will and resentment. Not sure about the logistics here but if he’s in a place where he can get rides back home (car, plane, train) then her son might resort to that and she may not even know he was in town. He will not be the first young man to get creative when it comes to ways to see his girl…won’t be the last either.</p>
<p>From rereading the OP’s post I get the vibe that she’s been tracking her son’s interaction (perhaps without his knowledge) with this girl. Sometimes what you don’t know can’t hurt you.</p>
<p>How far apart are they? A few hours? More?</p>
<p>When my DD was a freshman her BF of a a year was at a school 1000 miles away. They had planned to break up when college began, but changed their minds. The first year was the worst, but after the got a new rhythm, we realised it worked perfectly.</p>
<p>They remained BF-GF for all four years, seeing each other on breaks and talking nearly every night. They each had the ability to fully engage in their school life- sports, Greek, classes, clubs, friends, etc… but still had that critical emotional support of a person that had known the other for 5 years. When they faced the questions of early adulthood, they were each the other’s rock.</p>
<p>But first term was rough and ironically, about 2-3 weeks after graduation, they both had jobs in the same town and they broke up! After a couple of months they were able to be friends again and did all sports of socializing.</p>
<p>Encourage them to support each other in getting the fullest possible experience in their situations. Senior year ought to be wonderful and he ought to be very involved in classes & new friends, but they can still care deeply for each other and encourage each other daily, but maybe for 30-60 minutes, not 3 hours…not healthy</p>