<p>I was accepted to UCI and UCSD. UCSD was my dream school and i was really looking forward to going there when i received my acceptance letter. Now he says that i WILL go to UCI. i asked him why he is forcing me to go there and he gives me stupid responses like UCI is better for Computer engineering and i would party less if i went there. i have tried convincing him numerous times that those responses are false in that UCSD is ranked in the top 20 for Computer engineering, while UCI is around 45-50th rank. Also UCSD (i think) was ranked the "least party school" of all the UC campuses. My dad is stubborn and wont listen to me. Plus i am the one who has worked hard in high school to receive the acceptance letters so shouldnt i be the one choosing where i want to go? Also college is considered by some to be the most important four years of your young adult life, so why should i have my dad making the decisions for me? Also, I am paying for part of the tuition (through loans and scholarships) so its not like hes paying for it all.
i have told my dad that i am willing to pay for the WHOLE thing (with loans and scholarships) if i go ucsd, but he says that in 3-4 years or even after i graduate i will come back to him and say "dad i dont have enough money to pay back my loans can u help me out?". which is completely untrue but he doesnt trust me. </p>
<p>Second,
My dad wont let me buy a car with my own money. I have been working since i am 16 working around 20 hours+ a week. i have saved over $6,000 but my dad wont let me spend it. he says that cars are too dangerous for teenagers like me, and a $6,000 car would break down too often, etc...and i kind of DO need a car. my dad works full time, and my mom is always busy doing other stuff, so i have to walk 4-5 miles to school and back. and i mean thats alot of time wasted. </p>
<p>parents:
why is my father like this?
why is he trying to control my life?
is this common among other teens-parents?</p>
<p>I am gong to tell you the story of two students circa 1975 and 1980.</p>
<p>The first student was a junior when her parents told her she could go anywhere int he whole country. She was shocked but she threw ina few applicaitons to private universities along with the applications to state universities. Lo and behold, she got waitlisted at one of the private universities. In august (!), the school calle dher and asked her to attend. Swallowing her pride, she eventually said yes.</p>
<p>Well, her parents (my parents) went crazy. They tried to reneg the offer. Only stern words from my father's mother made them stick to their offer. they tried everything to stop me from going but I went anyway. Event hough we lived 1200 miles away from the private school, they made me find my own ride to the school! Then when I found my own ride, they were appalled that I would spend 15 hours in a car with a man I didn't know!</p>
<p>They refused to buy me extra clothing. I went with ratty old clothes. I had to buy my own supplies. It didn't matter. Nothing was better than that sense of freedom and adventure.</p>
<p>I could not win them over...except that I knew the private school was a better choice for me...and my wanderlust. And I was right. In nine million years, my parents could not have guessed--still could not guess--my best trajectory. I did work to pay what I could. I became an RA. I took out some loans. I ended up paying a thrid of the cost.</p>
<p>Today my parents are beyond proud. It took them about fifteen years to understand me, but they get it now and they never ever say I made a mistake choosing the far away expensive school. </p>
<p>The same story happened to one of the smartest women I know but she listened to her parents. She allowed them to dissuade her from her dreams. She didn't go to the the illustrious private school and she has some bitterness and regret about that decision even now.</p>
<p>Go with your gut kid. Your dad will get over it. I've noticed that dads actually have a harder time letting go of the wonderful times they've had as a young family. Nonetheless, your dad will adjust. And you will be happier and more productive at UCSD. They will have more to brag about if you are happier and more productive.</p>
<p>Don't blow $6k on a car because you will need the money to pay for school..... all of it.... yourself. You have to draw the line somewhere.</p>
<p>p.s. i can just see your dad coming on this forum and blasting other parents for daring to give advice to a minor when he knows what's best for you and we have no idea (we really dont).</p>
<p>cheers: the thing is that he WONT let me. like i said i am willing to pay all of it and they(mostly my dad) doesnt believe me. i have tried everything. there is nothing else i can do.</p>
<p>Put your reasons for choosing UCSD vs. UCI down on paper using a two-column T-chart. Use little bullets or stars to show key points, and numbers to show rankings, percentage graduating.. any figures showing your data. List total cost for each program. If UCSD is more expensive, show your contribution on the UCSD side. Ask him to review the paper and schedule a time to discuss it with him after he has had a time to look at him by himself. Make sure your points are clear, logical and can be backed up by facts or preferences. (I prefer this to this.) Then discuss it rationally with him, and you may find you have persuaded him. As for the car - they are moneypits. You do not need one at school or for the remaining 9 weeks of school. Give that issue up - it will be a gesture of goodwill bargaining with your dad. HTH's</p>
<p>anxiousmom--I think that's good advice about the car. But ripcurl--careful, it may not work like you want where your dad agrees right away because you gave up the car. It's likely that that's going to just be one weapon in your arsenal, the other weapons are the facts that support why the school you want is the better choice. Don't get frustrated and upset if you give up trying for the car (which I know from my son's obsession with his car is really important to you) and don't immediately get the response you're looking for. The name of the game here is going to be persistence and staying rational. Play your game, not his--keep presenting the facts and making your points over and over until you finally get through. Every time you let things blow up between you like they have in the past, you lose and he doesn't. </p>
<p>My other suggestions for ripcurl were:
--find someone that dad respected to help mediate, i.e. GC, teacher, coach
--call admissions office and ask for advice</p>
<p>Anybody got any good ideas for how a parent and child can communicate about a decision like this if it doesn't usually go well when they try to do things verbally?</p>
<p>theripcurl1969-Which school is closer? UCI is the closest school to home for my older daughter and last year she didn't even apply because it was too close and is known locally as a commuter school. UCSD had more of a community feel and was her first choice until she got in and then when she had the choice of Northeastern, USC and UCSD she chose the Private school route.<br>
If you attend UCI you will need a car...
If you go to UCSD you can probably get by without the car, and the added expense.</p>
<p>UCI is indeed closer hence i would live at home and my parents said i could maybe buy a car then. if there had been any possibility that i go to ucsd i would for sure not had a car. ucsd (on campus housing) will be a total of around $22,000 +$0(no car)=$22,000. UCI would be $16,000(living at home)+ $6000(car)= $22,000. WOW SAME PRICE!!!!!!! i have done the math in front of my dad numerous times and he is so stubborn and doesnt care about that. so from this, it shows that its not as much a problem of money, but more a problem of his personal preference.</p>
<p>so ripcurl--do you think it's really UCI your dad wants, or does he just want you to live at home? worth thinking about asking this if you haven't already.</p>
<p>if you find out he's dead set on having you live at home, then need to figure out if he's being overprotective, or if he's afraid you're gonna screw up, because the answer to that will guide you about how to address his concerns.</p>
<p>From a parent viewpoint, the fear that the kid is going to screw up is a really big one, especially when there's high stakes money involved. Even if your kid has done many things successfully it's also likely they've done some really stupid things. My son's interested in undergraduate business, and one thing his dad and I think about when we look at the list of colleges he's been accepted to is whether he would already be accepted to the business school when he was accepted to the college, or would need to apply to the business school as a sophomore. Because he's a great great kid, but I think the odds of him screwing up one of his first semesters before he gets adjusted to having so much more freedom are fair to middling at the very least. So it's a bit safer to have him go somewhere where screwing up one of his first semesters isn't going to endanger his acceptance to the undergraduate business school.</p>
<p>See how our weird parent minds work?</p>
<p>ripcurl--where does your mom stand on all this? does she have a preference?</p>
<p>First - a side note on your math - the car expense will not be recurring every year, just the insurance, maintenence and gas. - but that's all minor.</p>
<p>Have you turned 18 yet? If so, you can make the decision and as long as you're willing to foot the bill, I don't understand why he won't 'let' you. It would be unfortunate if this hurt your relationship with your parents, and it would be more unfortunate if it caused your dad to make less of a contribution to your education because you insist on making those decisions that effect the rest of your life. </p>
<p>Nonetheless, it should definitely be your call. I think it's black and white, given the details you've told us.</p>
<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>For our daughter, we spelled out up front how much we could contribute per year, and she could go anywhere that she could get accepted to, so long as she could make the numbers work with aid/scholarships etc above and beyond what we could afford. If she went to someplace that was less than our expected contribution, the difference could go to a car.</p>
<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>Ahhh - I see more information was posted while I was composing my response. Call his bluff on the disown, nonsense. Parents don't 'own' their children, and certainly not after they turn 18.</p>
<p>soproudofkids: i know what u mean and i actually think that could be the thing. he thinks i am going to screw up in college and waste his money. hence he wants me to live at home so he can make sure i dont mess up in college. my mother wants me to choose where i want to go because she trusts me more than my dad does. but she isnt the one paying for college, so she cant really make the decision, but she knows that its my life and that i should go whereever i want. </p>
<p>th21: ur right on the car thing but i will have a job in college. i turn 18 this coming june. thats the thing is that if i decide to go to sd, my relationship with my dad would even worsen. why cant my dad be like u in that i get to choose where i want to go?</p>
<p>For your Dad it probably has more to do with LIVING AT HOME than the choice between the two schools. College is a huge committment FOR YOU not for your Dad. Believe me I would have loved having my D live closer than Boston but she is thriving and as a Mom that makes me smile. Our agreement with our D was the same as TH21 she had the numbers to work with and she made it work--for her--
You need to make the choce that will help you reach your goals NOT YOUR DADS goals. If he is being unreasonable it saddens me but find someone to mediate and make the decision that is right for you-not for him.</p>
<p>a) i go to uci, my dad still likes me, i am not happy at UCI</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>b) i go to ucsd, i pay for it all, relationship with dad worsens, i have a smile</p>
<p>the only person i can talk to other than my dad is my mom who, she too has arguements with my dad on why i cant choose where i want to go for college. although she wont affect my dad's decision.</p>
<p>thats why i am not looking forward to this whole college thing, because either way (or college i go to) someone is going to be disappointed by my decision.</p>
<p>i dont get why my dad cant be normal. why cant he be happy with the decision I make and not the decision he makes?</p>
<p>At this time it appears that you have a choice
Your Dad or UCSD
Is your Dad thinking he can "check your homework" and "monitor your social life" if you are at home? does he do this now?
What HS are you going to now? Do you have a good counselor or has Dad acted as the counselor?</p>