<p>I got a phone call from my D today. She was upset and crying. A good friend at college has been acting very strange and withdrawn since moving back on campus. He seems angry and upset. When they are in class together, he pokes and scratches his arm until he starts to bleed. She and her friends have been trying to get him to go out with them, but most of the time, he just wants to stay in his room. According to my D, he spent the entire summer in his basement playing video games. She and her friends invited him to get together this summer, but he refused. Last week, when they were able to get him to leave his room and visit another friend, he just stood in the corner scowling at everyone. He doesn't like to be touched AT ALL. She and her friends are now blaming themselves for his worsening behavior because they haven't spent much time with him since they got back to school. I told her she should not blame herself or feel guilty. I strongly believe that he is suffering from mental illness (perhaps social anxiety and depression). I explained to my daughter that he is not in control of his thoughts and feelings. He needs professional help from a psychiatrist.</p>
<p>She and her friends met with the RA this afternoon because they are very concerned about the possibility that he may be suicidal or homicidal. When they left the RA's room, their friend was standing outside the door and had overheard the entire conversation. Since then, he has cut off all communication with them. </p>
<p>I assured my D that they had done the right thing by contacting the RA. The RA said he would get in touch with the community director right away. I just hope that they can help this young man. I also suggested that someone needs to notify his parents.</p>
<p>I know I can always turn to this forum for help and advice. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>It sounds as if your D and her friends did everything right except for the blaming themselves part of it which you rightly point out they shouldn’t be doing because this isn’t about them, it’s about his own issues.</p>
<p>She also needs to think about how if this person was in his right mind and overheard the conversation with the RA he’d actually be happy that his friends cared enough about him to attempt to correct the situation. Of course, it doesn’t sound like he’s in a right state of mind.</p>
<p>I hope the school intervenes before it’s too late for him or others. If your D doesn’t see any progress in a day or two she should contact the RA again and ask what action was taken just to make sure it was at least escalated to others. She should also be careful around this guy.</p>
<p>In a case like this where a kid is very clearly going downhill fast, I would not hesitate to get in touch with the kid’s parents directly and let them know about your concerns. That is a rare thing hardly ever done. You don’t know how the parents will react. Or the boy himself. Mom and Dad for all you know could even be part of the problem. But I’d do it anyway because I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to the boy later and I hadn’t at least tried to do something about it.</p>
<p>Hopefully the RA is going through channels, speaking to the boy and perhaps campus counseling. They can do little w/o the boy’s consent unless he’s an obvious danger to himself or others–but cutting is serious business and that might allow them to put at least a 72-hr psych hold on him. And hopefully the campus emergency response team knows about him too, just in case. </p>
<p>Your daughter did the right thing in contacting the RA. Either her or you may now have to contact the parents.</p>
<p>I agree with BigAppleDaddy, if you have the student’s parents number or can find it, I’d get in touch with them. Hopefully the RA’s actions will result in the parents being notified, but bureaucracies sometime move slowly.</p>
<p>Does her school have a behavioral intervention team? These teams take reports of concern behavior and work to get students, faculty, and staff appropriate help. Contrary to popular belief, these teams do not just or primarily deal with violent or threatening behavior, but also with suicidality, depression, mental illness, life crises, etc</p>
<p>I think your D did exactly the right thing by talking to the RA and this boy is lucky to have friends like this. My concern is that he overheard the whole conversation, either they were talking very loudly or the RA did not close the door. I just asked my D (she is an RA) what she would do and she said they do have procedure to follow but when someone talks to her about something this personal or sensitive she closes the door for everyone’s privacy and confidentiality.</p>
<p>You said that “She and her friends met with the RA this afternoon because they are very concerned about the possibility that he may be suicidal or homicidal.”. That is very serious (I am not saying wrong) fear they may have for this boy. With him having overheard everything I would be concerned that this could be the catalyst for him. I pray that I am just over reacting but if you are afraid someone may do harm to themselves or others the last thing you want is for them to hear is you telling someone. They needed to tell someone (good for them, they are excellent friends) but I am still stumped by how he overheard it. To me right now that would be my biggest concern and I have no doubt that if the RA is worth his position he will be dealing with it immediately but sometimes things move too slowly with no evidence and when emotional distress is involved and I pray this does not put him over the top.
Good Luck to your D her friends and especially to this young man.</p>
<p>It is hard to tell what is really going on with the boy, from the original post. Skin picking is a category of obsessive compulsive disorder and is not related to being suicidal or homicidal. The other sullen, withdrawn behavior could have a variety of explanations. However, if an entire group of friends was concerned, probably something was there to be concerned about.</p>
<p>I share the other posters’ concern about the boy overhearing. Has your daughter or any of the friends talked with the boy directly? I know he has cut off communication, and can understand he would feel betrayed,and perhaps not be able to understand they were trying to help. Did any of the kids express concern to him before going to the RA? I feel for the boy, to be honest, and hope someone helps him if he is “ill,” and supports him if he is not.</p>
<p>That is not to say that the daughter and friends did anything inappropriate. A boy in my daughter’s freshman dorm had a psychotic break and some of his behavior was threatening. Other students went to the RA, who went to the dean, who then required a leave. My daughter did manage to have a conversation with him before he left. The boy came back the following year, and is actually quite brilliant and successful.</p>
<p>I hope that the daughter has a chance to talk to the boy at some point. Perhaps they will both have a chance to feel better about what has happened.</p>
<p>The idea of calling parents is a little off base I think. If the boy asks someone to, then fine. The fact of the matter is that if he is 18, the school itself probably cannot call his parents unless he has given a release. The school can “pink slip” him and hospitalize him involuntarily, but he would have to tel his parents, I believe, not the school.</p>
<p>If these friends know/know how to contact his parents, they should, imo. If my S started acting strange, I’d want to know. The student’s parents may have relevant insight into his past behavior/medical history. I wouldn’t wait for the kid to “ask someone to call his parents.” I doubt he would do that, especially if he isn’t in his right mind. The school may not be able to call the parents, but friends should call them. I can’t imagine any parent who wouldn’t want to know of a behavior change like this.</p>
<p>Have your D contact the Dean of Students. His/Her job is to look after the well being of the students and they have all the resources of the college at their disposal. </p>
<p>DS had a friend whose mental health was deteriorating. He talked to the RA but RA didn’t do much. Friend was in counseling already and they didn’t do much. It was only when the Dean of Students was alerted and became involved that things rolled. Believe me, the Dean wants to make sure that the students at the school do not have a crisis of any sort.</p>
<p>Okay not to be paranoid, but how was it this young man happened to be at that location just the time they were talking to the RA? I find that a concern. Either he was following them or lurking around the RA. Either way it’s creepy.
One possibility is along he was on medication and doing fine, then he decided he no longer needed to be medicated. </p>
<p>Another is a psychosis of some sort that often hits young men about this age.</p>
<p>I don’t think any one is in danger, but his timing is curious to hear the conversation.</p>
<p>Please try to contact the parents if at all possible. The school will not contact the parents if he expresses suicidal thoughts- he has to share a plan or make an attempt, (unless he signed a release). Trust me, the parents don’t want to find out he was acting this way after it is too late to help him. I know of more than one case in which a student sought help at the health care center but parents did not know about it until after a successful suicide. There is a poster on CC who found out too late that his son attempted suicide (the school was aware) at least once before he was successful and he was not contacted. Tragic.</p>
<p>I agree that the RA is only the first step. Make sure the Dean of Students or someone in a professional position knows what is happening. The RA may do the right thing, but the RA is just another student who hopefully was paying attention to his/her training when they discussed this and is making this a top priority. Somone in a professional position of authority at the school needs to be involved ASAP. And a hug to your daughter who is clearly compassionate and caring and takes the initiative when needed.</p>
<p>Feel for your daughter, and going to the RA certainly the right thing to do. On the scratching and poking, does sound like self-injury, which can overlap with OCD. Most people who self-harm are not suicidal at all, instead it is related to stress and anxiety tension release (albeit, one incomprehensible if your brain is not wired that way). Sounds like he chose, or wound up with, a very isolating experience over the summer, far too easy for young men to isolate themselves this way and it can be hard to reintegrate. He may not be a danger to himself or others, but if the school has been alerted, then it sounds like your daughter has done what she ought to, and can do. She certainly should not blame herself for his condition.</p>
<p>It would be helpful if they could find out what the RA plans to do next. The boy clearly sounds like he is becoming either severely depressed or psychotic. This is not OCD, anxious skin picking, or anxiety. Withdrawal to the point of standing in a corner is not normal. Fear of being touched is very unusual. This is the age when biochemical disorders can emerge, and usually they start with initial withdrawal and isolation. Your daughter needs to protect herself and make sure that he does not continue to follow her. Not to make you nervous, but if he is angry and paranoid, it is important that she find out what the next step will be so that he is taken care of.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the caring responses. For some reason, I was unable to access the CC boards until just a little while ago. All I got was a blank computer screen.</p>
<p>Just a little more information I forgot to mention in my original post. This boy was romantically interested in my D last year. They dated a few times, but she made it clear to him that she just wanted to be friends. He was already making serious plans for their future after just two dates. Plus, he didnt want to be touched. He said he could accept that they would just be friends. However, now Im worried that perhaps he has not gotten over her. There is the possibility that he may be jealous that he has to share her with others. My husband and I have warned her that she should never be alone with him, such as in a dorm room.</p>
<p>Im not quite sure how he ended up being right outside of the RAs door. Either he happened to be walking down the hall and heard their voices through the door or he followed them their. Either way, it seems disturbing.</p>
<p>I have not heard anything from my D since her tearful call yesterday. Im going to suggest that she follow up with the RA to see what has been done. I will also pass along the suggestion to contact the Dean of Students. If someone from the school will not contact his parents, then I think my D or one of her friends should call them. I was able to find their phone number since they live locally.</p>
<p>Given this boy’s level of disturbance, one additional possibility might be to have your daughter speak with a psychologist from the school counseling center, in addition to the RA and Dean. A psychologist could gather more detailed information from your daughter and help to determine the seriousness of the situation (e.g., a forlorn, anxious young man from a paranoid, psychotic young man). Although the psychologist would not be meeting with the young man directly, he/she can assess the situation much more accurately than you, your daughter, or any of us here. Good luck.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the entire thread, but my impression is that you can’t really have the school intervene without trampling over the student’s rights unless that student has made threats or broken rules in some way. (By intervene, I mean force treatment on them.) </p>
<p>Maggiedog, great advice to contact someone at the counseling center. I’ll pass that along to my D.</p>
<p>I just spoke with my D. She and her friends spent several hours with him last night. Although they were in the same suite together, he did not interact with anyone. He played video games by himself. The RA spoke with him yesterday. He hardly said anything to the RA (no surprise). My D isn’t sure what else is going to be done. She and a girlfriend plan to hang out with him again tonight.</p>
<p>He’s very fortunate to have friends who care so much for his well being.</p>
<p>Is it wise to encourage her to hang out with this young man? If I were Mom, I would advise her to cut all strings with him and stop hanging out with him. Just because he said that he’s OK being friends with her rather than being romantically involved doesn’t mean he really feels this way. By continuing to hang out with an unbalanced man who probably still holds hope that she will magically fall in love with him isn’t a wise decision. She may be setting herself up for potential drama or disaster.</p>