Students: Welcome to College. Parents: Go Home

Parents Forum
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<p>I didn’t say my parents didn’t have better things to do than parent me. I said my parents had better things to do than helicopter, which is a rather extreme position on the spectrum of parenting. While I think that my parents have done a wonderful job of parenting me, I’m quite happy that I wasn’t smothered. The fact that my parents have independent lives and other important things in their lives besides my siblings and myself is good for all of us. If I really need them, I know they’ll be there.</p>

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<p>Banjo–what a mature, healthy thing to say. I hope my son would say something similar about me.</p>

<p>SDonCC–thanks for posting. I loved the Grinnell orientation 3 years ago and am glad it still feels welcoming to parents even as the goodbyes are encouraged. I did exactly feel that I wasn’t losing a child but gaining a college. I look forward to meeting our new president at family weekend.</p>

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<p>Got it, Banjo, and that’s a great way to look at it.</p>

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<p>Well said Banjo</p>

<p>I suppose if your parents tossed you out of a moving car with your luggage, you’d get up, dust yourself off, and then just get on with it too.</p>

<p>“If I really need them, I know they’ll be there.”…and that’s all your kids really want to know.</p>

<p>(oh along with: ‘Dad, can I have a Mini for my birthday?’… ‘Dad, why is there a big screen TV in my bedroom?’…‘Dad, what happened to my bedroom?’…‘Dad, can you pay my VISA card’…‘Dad, do we have to tell Mom?’) </p>

<p>They’ll always want to know those kinda things too.</p>

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<p>I read the article with a smile, thinking back to four years ago when my parents dropped me off at college. I thanked, them, hugged them and then tried to get them off of my back as quickly as possible—I wanted to meet people in the dorm and savor that first taste of real independence. Suddenly nobody had anything to say about where I went, when I went there, or what time I came back.</p>

<p>I often think about those first few days of college and the delicious feeling of independence that came with them (particularly now that I’m back at home looking for a job!). It was a feeling matched only when I was dropped off at the international terminal of JFK to fly to France for 4 months of study abroad. </p>

<p>Obviously it’s a judgment call and some kids need more parental support than others. I do think that scheduled goodbyes make it easier on kids who want their parents to leave but don’t know how to say it, or really want to try out their independence but don’t want to hurt their parents feelings.</p>

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<p>All the hoopla over goodbyes can easily be taken care of…take a page out of the Service Academy handbook. </p>

<p>Instructions for dropping off “freshmen” (swabs, plebes, freshman…all the same :wink:

  1. Wait in long line to drop off paperwork to a seemingly nice “kid” in uniform.
  2. Think to yourself awww, doesn’t he look like a nice kid?
  3. Watch your kid as he lines up with the other incoming freshmen.
  4. Watch them board a bus and head away to be shaved down, yelled at, issued their wardrobe for the year, and generally read the riot act.
  5. Cry as you wander around campus listening for signs of life…you see your kid being run around with a rucksack on his back, yelling and screaming “yes sir, yes m’am no excuse sir, etc” so you know they are alive…
  6. At 4pm, watch your kid promise away the next 9 years of their life.
  7. At 4:15 enjoy the ten minutes you have to say goodbye.
  8. Cry all the way home.
  9. Hear nothing for 7 weeks.
  10. Enjoy the pride in knowing they made it without you. ;-)</p>
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<p>Wow. I am sooo glad my S didn’t feel ANY inclination to go into the military. And, very selfishly, I know, I am so glad there are those who do. Hmmm… I should re-examine my attitude toward things military. I had never thought of it that way.</p>

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<p>I’m joining those who say these ceremonies are not about the kids needs so much as it is a way to control situations and circumstances. I know the majority of of kids will do fine when left alone but amongst my personal friends I can count a few who were not ready to be left alone at college. Extroverted and socially well adjusted kids probably do fine with this set up but I have to wonder about the kids who are not that way who feel pressure to let go of their parents when they might not be quite ready to do so.</p>

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<p>Williamsdad-
Glad to hear it! So many don’t realize what our SA kids take on when they attend a military college. They do, however, get SO much in return, and I’m not talking about the “free” tuition. </p>

<p>It was hard, though, to squeeze in all that I wanted to say to my son in the ten minute goodbye. Given the fact that I’d been yammering parental advice in his ear since birth, I guess the ten minutes REALLY was more than adequate. ;-)</p>

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<p>At Case Western there was a parent dinner with a program that helped us learn some of the culture/history of Case. It was nice, but only doable at a small size school. </p>

<p>At all our other drop offs it was the usual “unpack/shop/unpack/say goodbye” routine, and I expect it will be the same at U. of Cinti. in September.</p>

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<p>Some of this discussion seems a bit over the top. We had to travel 3000 miles to get our son to college and we stayed 4.5 days. Two of the days were orientation/registration. One day was move in. And 1.5 days required solving problems…everything from figuring out the internet payment system, to purchasing, then exchanging, text books, to finding a Target, etc. for the needed supplies for his dorm room. And the book store did not have some books available…this meant helping him learn how to order on line. We would never dream of just dropping him off…too many issues came up that were not explained during orientation. And there was more, as he had to change his class schedule (long story) and his adviser was only available by appointment with all appointments full…so he was really on his own then. I do not think we as parents should assume that we are not needed or that helping a new student to navigate a complicated situation, is a bad thing. He never complained and even showed up in the evenings to eat out with us. On the last day, before we headed to the airport, he asked for one more trip to the bookstore (the weather was bad). I left knowing most of the problems were solved and only a few remained for him to slog through. And there were no tears.</p>

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<p>Reading all these posts I guess I feel very fortunate- daughter is only 2 1/2 hours away and she comes home after the first week of school becuase of the Jewish holidays combined with Labor day! I really feel for parents of kids that are a plane ride away- now that has to be tough. But can you imagine the days of letters and long distance phone calls? At least we can facebook, text, email & call…not to mention every college student’s favorite care package!</p>

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<p>Next year when it’s our turn, I hope there are no ceremonies. I would appreciate knowing when the expected time of parent departures is so that I leave at the right time. But I want that departure, and the hours leading up to it, to be spent as we see fit, according to my daughter’s needs, and most of all…private. There are kids for whom the parents’ leave-taking is difficult, and they should not have to go through it publicly and “ceremoniously.”</p>

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<p>Interesting perspectives in this thread. We’ve done it three times now and I’ve never given it such detailed thought. Guess I’ve always had sort of an internal clock that said “Well, time to go…later kiddo.” I mean really, after the second week of classes how much longer can a parent actually stand to hang around? :slight_smile: </p>

<p>No, seriously, I’m with LaContra - drop em off and turn em loose. Graduation will arrive before we know what hit us.</p>

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<p>At one kid’s campus there was a ceremony that we skipped per my son’s wishes. We instead had a nice meal before we headed home, and he went with his newfound friends. </p>

<p>I appreciate that the colleges want to make the transition easier, but at some point I think they are Trying Too Hard.</p>

<p>Not every student will appreciate these kinds of ceremonies. Some of the orientation programs we had with our students were great…some, not so much.</p>

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<p>Whew!–thank you! I did have reasons for my prolonged stay beyond simple helicoptering, reasons which seemed logical at the time. </p>

<p>D’s school is 1500 miles from home and she didn’t take a car, so I figured we should make maximum use of the rental car while it was available. Of course we had to make air reservations months in advance, and had no idea how much time would be too much. Parents’ part in orientation ended at noon on Day 2, so I knew I was welcome at least that long. But D had a busy 5-day schedule, and since we naturally couldn’t bring all of her supplies on the plane, there was much shopping to be squeezed in between her activities. In addition, I wanted to spend some time exploring the area by car, so she’d know where to find stores, banks, restaurants, etc. without having to do it on foot after school started. Even so, if I’d known that the extra days were just going to make matters worse, I sure would have reserved an earlier flight out. Hindsight. </p>

<p>Nonetheless, I did like the school’s official program. On Day 1, parents and students were mostly together. Check-in was between 8:00-2:00; this time was for getting the ID card, the laundry card, the room key, and whatever move-in could be done. At mid-afternoon, there was a welcome ceremony, with the students sitting together in the front. After that, students and then parents (separately) met with the academic advisors. (D’s advisor gave us parents her cell phone number!). Then a reception and dinner for students and families. After that, the separation began. In the evening, students had an all-student meeting, while we parents attended a student services panel.</p>

<p>On Day 2, we were mostly separated. Parents had an elegant breakfast with administrators while kids ate in the dining hall. After that, we joined up with the students one last time for a panel on the college’s academic philosophy. Then (I told you it was a busy schedule!) while the students did placement testing, we parents attended “Letting Go and Staying Connected.” And here’s the entry for Day 2 of this year’s schedule:</p>

<p>Noon:<br>
Parents’ Formal Orientation Program Concludes.
Please join us October 1-3, 2010 for Family Weekend.</p>

<p>But did I take the hint? Nooooooooooo. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>I was there so long I’m surprised I didn’t get a police escort to the city limits.</p>

<p>I’m going up there next month for 5 days, that is considered just a weekend…isn’t it?</p>

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<p>Yes, five days is the “new weekend”.</p>

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<p>There was an interesting blog entry about this very article by an academic who suggested that because colleges cost so much more now than they did thirty years ago, entire families are literally much more invested in making sure the experience works for their kids.</p>

<p>I had expected to be like LaContra (who is my new role model). And drop off was fine. But things are more complicated now and necessitated more communication home than I expected: activating the debit card, figuring out how to order textbooks online for classes D isn’t not entirely sure she can get into, and what to do if they don’t arrive in time, providing documentation for AP and college classes, etc.</p>

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<p>When you don’t take vacations because you’re putting all your money into this 4 year experience, it becomes a kind of ‘time share’. You have to go to the school to deliver your kid, so it’s economical to take in a couple of area attractions/college events since you’ve done the traveling and have the hotel room. I’m guilty of this, but I don’t intrude on my kid - I just work in a couple of things I’ll enjoy on those trips where I’ve gone to deliver or pick up.</p>

<p>Other families might have a summer house or boat, I’ve got a short term rental on an American Collegiate Gothic ‘spread’. I like to visit once in a while, and I’ll meet up with my kid to deliver something, or at the end of the day to pick her up, but I always have a couple of free hours to walk the campus or town or take in an exhibit. I know it’s going to last 4 years and then I’ll move on, too. (And I don’t think a generation ago that anyone had this attitude, largely because the people whose kids were attending these expensive privates had the summer house to go to.)</p>