Students with Anxiety: Choosing a college

Parents Forum
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Your student (or you) has anxiety. How do they pick out a college?

My DD has anxiety…she has always been more “clingy” but we didn’t really know until HS that she had anxiety until she was doing things out side of her comfort zone. I could see instances where for example she just couldn’t join the choir when they were singing in front of the entire school (but could sing at the concert in front of the parents) or go to a football game and meet someone…she had to stay in the car until she could see them and then she could go.
She got to a tipping point and then saw a psychiatrist, was diagnosed, and was put on meds. The next year she was voluntarily singing by herself over the intercom to the entire school.

We took her anxiety into account when choosing a college. Instead of just new teachers like you might have senior year, you have: new bedroom, new roommate, new professors, new food, new friends.
So that ups the ante.
Then, if they want to ask for help, there is the anxiety about going to the counseling center or the tutoring center or professors office hours.

Things to consider when looking at colleges:

DIAGNOSIS:
Is your student/you just a bit nervous? Or is their anxiety preventing them from doing the things they want to do? If so, consider taking them to see a psychiatrist/psychologist to get evaluated. It is much better to do this while they are still at home. You can then see if the meds have any side effects. If not, there are many stories on CC where the student crashes and burns because of anxiety.

MEDS
One must consider the logistics of getting medications. Start having the child be in charge of the meds when at home.
How do will the student get their meds when at school? They will need to do that (or arrange for mail order). My DD’s college had an arrangement with a local pharmacy to deliver meds…but it didn’t always work ( or she didn’t always request refills on time.) Come up with a back up plan so she could get them her self if necessary (e.g., take a taxi to the pharmacy and here is a taxi number).
Make sure on the first day of college they have refills of their meds (ask me how I know).
Can they remember to take meds daily? There are apps that help with that.
I would start having them be in charge of re-ordering meds now so she can get used to it.
How often does she need to see a psychiatrist for med renewals? Ours was like every 3 months but my DD was an hour from home so we could get her if necessary. Would they need one near school?

ORIENTATION:
What kind of orientation does the colleges have?
I steered my DD toward one with a week long orientation…most activities were with kids on your floor so you would get to know them…they also had dedicated Community Assistants who also were useful as advisers/sounding boards at first. A place with one day orientation in the summer and then move in and get started may not be the best thing for anxious kids.

OVERSIGHT:
My DD wanted help with applications and all the signing up for housing etc. so I had her school login. She was also cool with me continuing to have is and I could check on her grades at first to make sure all was well.
Would your student be cool with that?

SUPPORT:
Look into the Counseling Center… what services do they provide?
During orientation or admitted students day have them visit the center.
Do the same with Tutoring…mine knew she needed tutoring but was too anxious to go to the center until someone went with her.

ACCOMMODATIONS
Does your student need any accommodations? (e.g. extra time on tests)
Maybe talk to your DD’s current counselor and disability office about what documentation would be needed.

SELF-AWARENESS
How self-aware is your student about her anxiety/panic attacks/depression?
Does she know when it is getting worse?
Does she know to ask for help? Or get a friend to help her ask for help?

COMMUNICATION
Does they communicate with you well? Will they tell you if things are not going good?
Will she accept your input? Will she be okay with you checking often to see how it is going?

LOCATION
How far away is the school? Will travelling home on their own cause stress if it is far away?
Can you pick them up if they needs a break?
My DD picked a school an hour away…far enough away to feel like she is “away” but close enough that we can get her if necessary.

TUITION INSURANCE
Look into getting tuition insurance if your student cannot make it through the semester for medical reasons Readt read the plans carefully. Many will not cover mental health conditions unless the student is hospitalized, so they aren’t any good if your child determines that they need to withdraw in order to avoid a full blown crisis

ROOMMATES
Probably she will be happier if she knows who she is rooming with before she gets there.
Tell her that her expectation is that the roommate is a reasonable person and if they are good friends that exceeds expectations. Make sure she knows to talk to her RA about issues early on if she has issues.

COMPETITION:
My DD was the type of kid who likes to be around other competent people…like when she was in 5th grade basketball and she could have played down with the little kids (and be a star) or up with the older kids she chose to be up with the older kids.
We picked a school where she was at around the 75% of GPA/SAT… Not the best, but toward the top.
Malcolm Gladwell says it is best to be a big fish in a small pond, rather than the opposite.
Can your student handle competing against the best of the best? Or would being at a less competitive school be better?
MAJOR:
Would a collaborative environment be the best? How competitive are students in the major? How stressful is a major?

COMPLETION
It is better that she feels comfortable and does well in a “safety” school rather than get stressed out and drop out of a “reach” school. It is where you actually graduate from that counts.

INDEPENDENCE
Up until now, have mom and dad have been prodding the student somewhat to do homework, etc.
How well do they do this on their own?

PEER PRESSURE
For this one tiny span of time in their life, there is much pressure on going to a “good school” or take a great scholarship.
Once you are in college, nobody really cares where you are going, but senior year the student may feel pressured to pick the “best” school even though it is not the best fit for them.
So if they pick a less competitive, then you (and them) can tell people: DD/S is going to East State college…we looked into many choices and this is the best fit for her/him.

Thanks to: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1984616-how-much-to-let-student-decide-where-to-go-to-school-when-they-have-issues-p2.html

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Just want to add that I know several kids who were very anxious in high school, especially late high school, but things got much better in college. I don’t know if it’s hormone surges or the stress of high school or all the stress about college and transitions and leaving home, but for some kids, the anxiety does quiet down over time. Admittedly, for some the reverse is true: anxiety develops in college, but I wanted to add a note of positivity here.

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I have two daughters, who have very different personalities. My oldest, who will be off to college in three weeks has always been outgoing, gregarious, a risk taker, etc. She wanted to apply to colleges on the other side of the country. She has told me that when she is living on her own, she wants us to live at least three hours away from her, so she can
“live her own life”. She got mad at me last fall because I wouldn’t let her fly by herself on an international flight for a volunteer opportunity. But for the past few months she has been very indecisive, unmotivated and moody. Now that it’s almost time to leave, she’s doing better, but I would never have expected her to have this reaction. School starts in mid August and she wants us to come visit for her birthday which is three weeks later (we’re going to :slight_smile: ). It is so true that this period of their lives can be so fraught with stress and out of character behavior. Her college is small and does a lot of hand holding for the first semester with the freshman so I think she’ll be OK, but I have talked to her about using the school’s resources if she starts feeling overwhelmed. I’m hoping that once she is actually there, she will figure out that she is very capable of handling this new adventure and will go back to being the confident girl that she was a few months ago.

My youngest is the opposite, very shy, self conscious, tentative in new situations, and I expect that she will want to stay close to home. We have even considered relocating to where she chooses to go to college so we can be nearby (I’ve been wanting to relocate anyway to a less hectic area of the state and we have the luxury of moving as my husband teleworks). She’ll probably surprise us and glide through the app process and head off to college with smile and never look back.

I guess what I’m saying is to expect the unexpected - be prepared for anxiety and apprehension even though you think your child will adjust well to college. Bopper has put together a great list of items that all parents and students should consider whether they have an anxious personality or not.

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Football games suck if you don’t come with a big group of friends. Same with dances and the cafeteria. Being alone in social situations can really be challenging, even for kids who don’t struggle with anxiety.

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D2 and I were just talking about one of her HS friends who had anxiety and picked Smith. It did not work out well for her – we were discussing the other schools we knew she had considered, and thinking that a couple of them would have been lower stress for her.

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Sometimes, for a student who is dealing with an ongoing health issue, attending a college an hour or two from home can be an advantage because the student can continue to see the health care providers with whom he/she has already established a relationship.

My son, who had a couple of medical things going on when he started college, happened to choose a school an hour away. This turned out to be immensely convenient from the point of view of health care.

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@Marian this is something on my mind for my younger D. That is why I am for now focusing on our in state universities that are all within 2 hours from home. Also although things are better at the moment, I worry about the possibility of a future crisis that could lead to a need for a medical withdrawal. Staying with an in state public helps control the financial loss that would entail.

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Tuition refund insurance kicks in for a medical withdrawal. You get everything back plus whatever amount of financial aid that was granted, believe it or not.

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All of the above posts have been incredibly helpful and insightful. But what needs to be emphasized here is that there is a fundamental difference between someone who is neurologically disposed to anxiety - has a diagnosable anxiety disorder - and someone who just gets anxious, in the garden variety sense of the word. Both can be impairing and helped with therapy. But the former is a life-long condition that once diagnosed correctly will remain a struggle throughout someone’s life. And the hard part of this for families is that there is no “silver bullet” or “one-size-fits-all” strategy to help someone with anxiety disorder cope with its debilitating effects. Trial and error, under the guidance of a psychiatrist and/or specialized therapist, will yield good results for most people. But practically speaking, if a child says they aren’t prepared to go away to school, then a medical leave can be arranged while treatment and college options closer to home can be arranged. Nothing matters except the child’s safety and long-term well-being which sometimes takes time to sort out.

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@worriestoomuch So true…reading CC I read about other students with anxiety who don’t do well because their parents are urging them to go the typical route…best school they can get into regardless of how far away and how stressful it would be. I agree that many students get anxious especially before school starts. but when it starts to affect the ability for the student to do what they want then it is time to get some help.

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Bump for those starting the process

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“I know several kids who were very anxious in high school, especially late high school, but things got much better in college.”

Yes. There are some parents who are driving their kids bananas. As soon as the kid gets some breathing room, they’re fine. I’d go nuts myself if I had to live under those parents’ roof.

No such parents on CC, of course. :slight_smile:

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Bump

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Reading this thread again I want to clarify that I was referring to the clinical kind of anxiety in my previous post that things could improve.

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Bopper,
I understand what you talked about. I’ve worked in social services for over 20 years. More than half of my clients are diagnosed with anxiety disorder ( from mild to severe). I am happy that you have sought clinical support for your daughter and that she has made good progress. It is unfortunately that mental health has stigma to it. I am sure that if your daughter had diabetes, no one would blink an eye and everyone would be so supportive to you and her.

My suggestion is to speak with her opening and ask her what she wants to study, what type of college she wants, etc. start with her. She should know how much stress she can handle, what is her comfort level, how close, how far she wants to be from home.

As for college, search around. Most have counseling/mental health services for students, some may have better reputation than another. I think a medium to larger colleges may offer more services. Your daughter may be more consciencious in a small college. Sometimes, a small college offers more comfortable environment to kids with anxiety. Sometimes, larger a college is a better choice as kids could easily blend in or " disappear" when they want to.

Re. Major, stereotypically speaking, students with STEM and business majors appear competitive to very comppetitive. Students with humanity majors seem kinder and gentler. Discuss with her all kinds of scenarios and see how she responds and go from there.

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I suggest specifically asking abort mental health services, especially what therapy they can/cannot receive on campus. Many counseling centers will only do short term therapy, and may cap the number of sessions. Ask if there is a cap or if your child can get weekly therapy with the same therapist. If not, ask about off campus referrals and work through insurance. This is what we do and it is working out well.

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I have a niece that falls in this category. Her mother and grandmother thought she’d last 2 weeks at college max but instead she has blossomed.

While still at home she was getting counseling and meds and had a separate medical condition that was brought under control. But her transformation is amazing. She even broke up with her at-home boyfriend when everyone expected she wouldn’t be able to be away from him.

I don’t know the latest on her support system at college, meds, counseling, etc. I do believe the particular college environment itself was ideal for her. She wasn’t even that enthusiastic about it to begin with, she just chose it because it fit certain parameters like size and distance. It was sort of “Well OK I guess this will do…”

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@rphcfb why did you choose “diabetes” as a disorder that is well-supported at schools?

You used the generic term “diabetes”: do you mean type 1 or type 2 or both? Do you know the difference?

As the parent of a kid with type 1, diagnosed at age 4, I can tell you that there is no illness that is more misunderstood than type 1. I have spent 26 years educating and advocating.

And there is certainly stigma attached, partly because everyone confuses the types and thinks type 1, like type 2, can be addressed by “lifestyle” factors (It can’t, it is an autoimmune disorder that permanently destroys the cells that make insulin) but also because people think you cannot do things everyone else does (like sports coaches who express doubt in front of the kid). As my kid grew up, her peers also feared it was contagious: one asked if she could go in the same pool without catching it. How do you think that made a 10 year old feel?

Try telling a professor you were late to class because your blood sugar got low when they think it is your fault.

I don’t mean to go off on a tangent here but since I have a kid with type 1 and a kid with a mental health disorder, I really wouldn’t make the kind of comparison you made about perception of the two.

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Just a note here, that depends very much on the kid. For my kid with anxiety/perfectionism humanity classes with their grades based on writing papers are a nightmare despite the fact that she actually writes very well. How do you decide when a paper is good enough? How do you speak up in a class with a participation grade when you might say the wrong thing?

STEM classes on the other hand are hard, hard, hard but you work a problem until you have a solution and you can almost always find a classmate who either is also struggling so you don’t feel so bad or can help you figure it out.

It’s true for every student of course but doubly true for those with mental health issues. You do the best you can to anticipate and prevent problems based on your knowledge of your unique kid but in the end you have to let them go knowing that you can’t control the outcome.

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@compmom ,

I speak in general regarding medical diagnosis vs mental health diagnosis. When you tell people that your kid has diabetes or pick another medical diagnosis, say, high blood pressure, people’s responses and reaction would be different from when your tell them your kid has an anxiety disorder, depression, etc. The stigma is there, unfortunately.