<p>
lol, i’m so stealing this.</p>
<p>Professor: Does that make sense?
Student: Uhh…
Professor: I’m not trying to intimidate you. I want to be your friend; really, I do.</p>
<p>Student: I can’t open this program on a Mac?
Professor: Probably because it’s a windows executable.</p>
<p>Here’s some from my US History professor:</p>
<p>Professor tells us a story from when he was in the army
Student: Did you ever kill anyone?
Professor: Not while I was in the army.</p>
<p>Professor: My dream is to have a building dedicated to teaching what really happened in US history. There’ll be a neon sing outside flashing “US History After Dark.”</p>
<p>Talking about drawing polar curves:
“Don’t make the curves too sharp, though, or they gonna cut somebody okay?”</p>
<p>Some of these quotes are really awesome.</p>
<p>I sat in on a friend’s English course at her school a few weeks ago when I visited, and I was talking to the professor after class because he and my friend are really close and I might want to major in English there.</p>
<p>Professor: Do you want to be a teacher?
Me: I don’t know, maybe?
Professor: So you like poverty. Have fun!! Sucks for you.
Me: <em>looks at him weirdly since, after all, he’s a teacher too</em>
Professor: Oh, don’t worry, my wife’s rich.</p>
<p>Another one from my computer science prof:</p>
<p>“If you can not see the slides, maybe you should bring a set of long-distance lenses or something.”</p>
<p><em>realizes that the class thinks he is joking</em></p>
<p>“Do not worry, I am happy for you to bring whatever devices you need to help you learn in this class.”</p>
<p>He was dead serious, apparently. The back row is only about 20 feet from the screen.</p>
<p>My Indonesian operations management professor: </p>
<p>Professor: So what did we learn last time?
Student: We talked about the 4 process strategies: <em>says all 4</em>
Professor: Very good! If that were a status on Facebook, I would “like” it! <em>gives thumbs up</em></p>
<p>Same Professor: To get an A in this class, you have to be able to pronounce my name. <em>says name</em>
He then goes around the room, asking people to pronounce his name.
1st student: <em>says name</em>
Professor: C+
2nd student: <em>says name</em>
Professor: B-
3rd student: <em>says name</em>
Professor: You should probably just go ahead and drop.</p>
<p>If this thread was 150 long, I’d be up all night…</p>
<p>Calc 2 professor on first day: “This class is going to suck. You’re going to hate it, you’re going to hate me, you’re going to hate the person next to you, and you’re probably going to hate yourself at some point. I’ve gone ahead and printed the syllabus on flame-retardant paper just in case. You’ll thank me later.”</p>
<p>Same professor when someone said the homework was really difficult: “Like I said, you suck. Oh, I’m sorry. That was rude wasn’t it? Moving on.”</p>
<p>Same professor later: “I actually tried to get the school to provide a therapist just for the students enrolled in Calc 2, but they said it was “unethical to assume you’d need it” blah blah blah.”</p>
<p>Is it weird that the professor being a woman makes it even funnier?</p>
<p>my Physics professor had a really epic moment one day when he wrote on the board “ma=ma”, and kept on going til everyone started laughing hahahhaha</p>
<p>My English professor:</p>
<p>“There is no way to fit bird murdering into a lesson plan.”</p>
<p>Professor: “Sharpen your knife on it. And use it.”
Student: “What?”
Professor: “In self defence.”</p>
<p>“It’s like the whole country has gone cuckoo bananas.”</p>
<p>“Charles Sumner’s great hair.”</p>
<p>“Capitalism is the fat bloated vampire squid . . . that’s not Marx’s metaphor.”</p>
<p>“Yay! Everyone likes bread. Well . . . gluten is a problem . . . yay! Bread! Bread, bread!”</p>
<p>“These are magic hands. Devil-robot hands.”</p>
<p>“That Mike’s Hard Lemonade. That ****. Bad news.”</p>
<p>“Apparently if you drink deep sea creatures attack you in your dreams.”</p>
<p>“It takes me six weeks to a write a sentence. He writes a novel in the bathtub. This dude is crackers.”</p>
<p>“He’s not a mathematician. He’s a novelist.”</p>
<p>“I will do something rousing. Not arousing! Rousing!”</p>
<p>“One shouldn’t show middle-schoolers subversive things. They start not putting their trays away in the cafeteria.”</p>
<p>“We’re a majority. We can pass some crazy legislation without our other members.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I’ve written ‘ass’ on the board.”</p>
<p>Professor: “I shot a duck.”
Student: “In the face?”
Professor: “No. Well . . .”</p>
<p>“Like that Simpson’s episode with the frogs . . . you didn’t see that one? All right, moving on.”</p>
<p>“Your professor is a dip****.”</p>
<p>“Cool and animating doritos.”</p>
<p>“You can do terrible things to me.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t kill your family.”</p>
<p>“Big wheel down at the cracker factory.”</p>
<p>“Brother was rhetorically skilled in multiple ways.” -On Thomas Paine</p>
<p>English prof, trying to get a volunteer to read a poem aloud:</p>
<p>“Come on, no one wants the chance to say ‘f u c k’ in the classroom?”</p>
<p>At the end of my Theatre class last semester, my professor would always say “Any questions, concerns, or prayer requests?”</p>
<p>Back in the early 60’s (dating myself), a female student was knitting during a lecture by Abraham Maslow (psychologist). Maslow: Miss Applebaum, don’t you realize that knitting is a sublimated form of masturbation? Applebaum: professor Maslow, when I knit, I knit, and when I masturbate, I masturbate.</p>
<p>Another from the same school, same era: A noted Shakespearean scholar’s summary comment on my first paper “Who taught you these analytical techniques, or did you make them up yourself?”</p>
<p>But I may have got off better than a classmate who also got a C on the same assignment: “This is the finest C paper I have ever read.”</p>
<p>“I have tenure.”</p>
<p>My chem prof after explaining a concept pretty clearly, “They teach the same thing at Harvard you know, the only difference is that the professors wear suede elbow patches.”</p>
<p>Evanth prof," When I was at Harvard there was a professor who was really tall. He was a descendent of the Habsburg family (Austrian Royalty), and he allegedly murdered a graduate student and then laid the body in a Neanderthal funeral position and laced it with Red Ochre. We stayed away from him because not only did he murder people, he got away with it."</p>
<p>Undergrad history professor (years ago now):</p>
<p>“women dont understand cricket”</p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ve never asked how the scoring works because seeing it on sky sports puts me in a coma.</p>
<p>I can’t recall any cool stuff said by my lecturers/seminar leaders/professors… I’ve had some good teachers but I don’t have any bankable quotations from them.</p>
<p>I guess there’s “History doesn’t repeat itself.”</p>
<p>And “I once gave a guy a 7.” (In an essay out of 100)</p>
<p>My hot professor said “not like I’m loose”
Meaning she doesn’t go around sleeping with guys.
Probably the coolest thing I’ve heard a hot/cute prof say</p>
<p>Sent from my HTC HD2 using CC App</p>
<p>From my music appreciation professor…</p>
<p><em>Starts playing a track on the sound system that begins with church bells tolling slowly</em></p>
<p>“And unfortunately no, this is not AC/DC.”</p>