Suggestion on appeal letter?

<p>So, How you all doing?? This is my corrected fin aid appeal letter after all the suggestions from the great people here on CC. This is going to be my final. What do you guys think. Let me know if I need to correct something.</p>

<p>To whom it may concern,</p>

<p>I am a high school student who has been accepted at Boston College under the Regular Decision process. I am certainly honored to have been accepted by such a prestigious institution and by the college which I have fallen in love with. A few weeks ago, I received my Financial Aid package from BC and I am very grateful for the generous Financial Aid package that has been awarded to me by the Financial aid office. But I am afraid that the after that financial aid package ($30,000), I would still have to pay about $12000 in order to attend BC and unfortunately there is no way that my parents will be able to pay that huge amount of money for my education especially when my EFC is only $1603.</p>

<p>My parents and I came to the US a year ago and my parents had to take a huge amount of loans from my relatives while coming to this country. Since they are not highly educated, they do not have high paid jobs and as a result their monthly income is very low. After paying rents, bills and sending money to France for my grandmother my parents will not be able to pay that huge amount of college expenses for my education especially when they are still trying to pay off their debts that they took while coming to the US.</p>

<p>BC has been my dream school since the first time I started my college search, but after getting my financial aid package from BC my dream has been crashed. I received better fin aid packages from NorthEastern University ($39,300), WPI ($43,600) and College of Holy Cross ($49,687). Therefore, if my final award remains the same as the tentative estimate award that BC offered, I will not be able to attend. I have already sent in an enrollment deposit but if I am not offered a better financial aid package from the school I will have to appeal my decision and go somewhere more affordable. I truly want to go to BC but without the financial means to do so I won’t be able to attend this coming Fall.</p>

<p>With all sincerity, I would like to request the financial aid committee to re-evaluate my financial aid and make some adjustments so that I can afford my education. Without this enormous blessing I will be unable to attend school. Therefore, I ask for your utmost regard when it comes to reinstating my financial aid. Thank you for your time and consideration.</p>

<p>Sincerely,
XYZ</p>

<p>Come on guys, someone please critique.</p>

<p>its good. hope it works out for you man, i had a similar efc, and will pay about 11,000. did you ever think about trying to get more loans?</p>

<p>Thanks Cohen139. Actually, I am trying to finish my undergrad education with as little loan as possible. My goal is to graduate with less than $22000 loan, then work for a year or two, pay off the loans and then go to grad.school. </p>

<p>Are you planning to go to BC or going somewhere else?</p>

<p>well BC has always been my dream school, and the FA package was a bit disappointing. I can go to Villanova for a lot less, went there yesterday and really really liked it. So i have a very tough decision to make. I’ll make the trek to BC this weekend for Admitted Eagle Day just so I can say I made a well-thought out decision. It’ll be tough.</p>

<p>Anyone else any other suggestions? I will appreciate any further comments/suggestions.</p>

<p>Grammar mistakes:</p>

<p>

Don’t end sentences on prepositions. You should change it to be instead:
“by the college with which I have fallen in love.”</p>

<p>Your sentences are a little long and bulky - try to be as concise - plus, in these sentences, you should recombine it into two different sentences than they are currently:

It should be one sentence until “about $12,000 in order to attend BC**;** unfortunately, there is no way…”</p>

<p>Semicolons, commas, and synonyms are your friends.</p>

<p>As well, fall should not be capitalized. </p>

<p>Very well written letter for someone who just moved to the U.S. so recently, but I think with a few grammatical touches, it will be even nicer. The content is good - the fact that you specifically listed your aid packages at other schools is good to show BC the better offers you were given. </p>

<p>Good luck :)!</p>

<p>^ Thanks, man. Appreciate the help. Is there anything else that I need to add or change?</p>

<p>remember to send copies of the financial aid awards from other schools; they may request it later, anyway. good luck!</p>

<p>^ I was gonna send an email to BC, not regular mail. Should I scan those Fin aid award documents from other school and attach it? Or send an email first,then send copies of those award from other school?</p>

<p>i would mail it rather than email it.</p>

<p>^ Alright, thank you all for helping me out here. Really, really appreciate the help.</p>

<p>You should send it certified mail or overnight it and use Fedex or something that will track it.</p>

<p>Dear DHman06,</p>

<p>Good luck with request for reconsideration. Given the alternatives. I bet that good things will happen. Glad you liked Villanova. That’s where I am going. </p>

<p>Grammatically… you should write “and by the college with which I have fallen in love.” You should not end your sentence with a preposition.</p>

<p>lucky30</p>

<p>Dear DHman06 : While your letter and the associated comments are all very constructive, there are ten days until deposits are due. Having been at the April 18th/April 19th honors/admitted eagle days, I can tell you that the financial officers are swamped. A once-off e-mail will not get the job done at this point.</p>

<p>We previously suggested your contacting your financial aid coordinator by telephone to discuss the situation directly. Once engaged in conversation, you can then bring up the other school packages that have been offered. </p>

<p>Reading your letter suggesting the other packages, some financial aid officers on an e-mail might just say “so, take another offer”. Your letter opens the door to that response by doing comparisons. Also note that the “so I can afford my education” statement is poor. You have offered information here, particularly for Holy Cross, that suggest your college educational needs … elsewhere … can be well met. What you are really saying is that you cannot afford an education at Boston College based on the financial aid package.</p>

<p>My reaction to your letter is since you have much better offers from some very good schools, then by all means, take them.</p>

<p>^ I don’t think those schools are much better than BC. I mean compared to those schools, BC is a beast.</p>

<p>BC does not match other offers this year. Period. They are out of cash. You either pay what they are asking or go elsewhere.</p>