<p>My son will know in two days about his early decision school. The school is a significant reach - many kids from his high school applied early. Maybe he'll get in, but if he doesn't, he'll have to really get over his disappointment quickly and finish his other applications (including many essays). I'm seeking suggestions on how to talk to him to encourage him to believe what is really true - that where he goes to college will not determine his life, that he'll get in somewhere right for him and be happy. How have people helped their kids with this especially since they immediately have to get back on track and work hard on applications for the next six weeks? Thanks!</p>
<p>I was in your position last year and honestly there is no right or wrong answer. How you react and how he deals with it are dependent upon your relationship with him and his resilience. Either way, if rejection does come, it is going to be a rough few days - no getting around it.</p>
<p>You can tell him that all of the kids in my D’s class who got rejections EA are now ecstatically happy at the school they are now attending if their Facebook posts are any indication. They couldn’t see themselves anywhere else. So from a parent’s point of view, there is hope.</p>
<p>Good luck - maybe this will be a non-issue in your household.</p>
<p>I would say that you are really glad he applied even though there is such a low acceptance rate and are happy that he will have many good choices (once he applies) but he won’t regret not trying.</p>
<p>Watch your own reaction if he isn’t accepted. Even if he doesn’t realize it, he will be looking to see how you react to this, so don’t make a huge deal out of it. Show him through your attitude that you realize that there is a wonderful school out there that he will be accepted to and that will be lucky to have him. My D hasn’t heard from her early school yet, but I have already said “It’s a crapshoot. There are terrific kids who are accepted to a school and terrific kids who aren’t.” One her siblings was not accepted to a school he really wanted to go to. Instead, he attended a school that originally was not a top choice, but turned out to be amazing for him, both in terms of the people he met and his education. </p>
<p>Good advice above. </p>
<p>Older son wasn’t too broken up, but was surprised a time or two. He didn’t have too much emotional investment in the places where he was rejected. </p>
<p>Good things we did? We didn’t have any big celebrations scheduled. When we knew what his final choices were, we really got behind them and were enthusiastic: attended those accepted students days, talked them up, bought college paraphernalia. When he chose where to go, we threw our support there 100%.</p>
<p>And I agree, looking at the situation today, we can’t imagine any other outcome. He is where he is supposed to be. </p>
<p>First of all, every applicant needs to understand that an admission committee decision is just that – it is one group of people’s decision on if he will be accepted into one particular college. Their decisions hinge not only on each applicant’s attributes, but also on if there are hooks (ex. athletics, legacy etc.) which interest the school. An admission decision is absolutely not a referendum on a person’s value or accomplishments. </p>
<p>If the ED school was a reach for your S which it sounds like it was, and he doesn’t get in, then I’d just tell him what I have above, let him know that you are proud of him for giving a reach school a try, that it is the school’s loss that he won’t be attending, that you will let him sulk about it for a day or two if he wants, but then it will be time to move on and look at the other great options out there. Remind him of his accomplishments and let him know that you are certain that many schools will be thrilled to have him as a student.</p>
<p>Good luck. Hope he gets in.</p>
<p>Great advice. Good to be able to address this a bit before it is so personal. Most will need a day or two to lick their wounds; parents can help with empathy and a focus on the way forward. Our ED kid was accepted; our non-ED kid had a variety of results to sort out. </p>
<p>We also found it helpful to keep our eye on the possibility of rejection throughout the process. Not in a Debbie Downer way, but did acknowledge reaches, unpredictability in outcome and applying to places we all thought offered good opportunities for an excellent experience. We made it clear that college acceptances had to do with many variables beyond an applicants control . </p>
<p>I think ED is particularly hard as it presumes a first choice. With our ED kid, we had a clear plan if not admitted, so if there was disappointment (and there would have been), further apps could be less effort and a mechanical process (recs all set, most apps done, guidance counselor on notice, etc). </p>
<p>Best to your son. </p>
<p>I agree - your response needs to be sincere- I’m sorry but I am proud of you for trying- now on to the next school.</p>
<p>I appreciate all these kind and helpful responses</p>
<p>If he’s rejected, give him a little time to grieve. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel disappointed and lousy for a bit. It’s a loss, even if getting accepted was a long shot: A loss of that future he imagined himself having at THAT college. </p>
<p>Most kids bounce back faster than their parents, however. Most of my kids’ friends felt lousy for about 24 hours (or until the end of the next full day of school after ED decisions came out, whichever comes first,) then put it behind them and more or less cheerfully moved on. And my own kids handled their EA and RD rejection letters in about the same way, if it was a college they really liked and hoped to have as a choice. </p>
<p>As others have said, take your cues from him. Acknowledge his disappointment, but don’t act disappointed yourself. Tell him how proud you are of him for giving it a try.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your son. </p>
<p>Both D’s did not get into their ED. Interestingly I am glad they did not go to them. Worked out I think better.</p>
<p>It is important to validate your kid’s feeling, whatever that may be, and respect how he/she wants to deal with it. Before the result comes out, ask your kid how he/she wants to find out the result. If your kid wants some privacy, respect that. I would ask your friends and family not to call - don’t call us, we’ll call you.</p>
<p>We had two different outcomes with two kids. It was a big blow to D1 to face so many rejections, but in the long wrong she also became stronger and didn’t take any triumph for granted later on. One thing to remember is they will get over it and they will matriculate at a school next fall.</p>
<p>The Class of 2013 parents adopted the term “redirection” to describe what happens when your kid is not admitted to a top choice school. While I generally dislike euphemisms, this one makes some sense to me, and it may help your student focus on all the remaining (and, in most cases, great) possibilities that are still out there on a well-crafted application list. </p>
<p>FWIW, I’m already expecting to have to walk this talk myself over the next week. We’ll see how I do at it. </p>
<p>“in the long run,” but it was wrong she got so many rejections. :)</p>
<p>Im not sure there’s any unique bit of great advice. I will say that I believe parents who are on these boards are likely the best informed group around, and most of them are already inoculated against the stunning surprise rejection, which I believe does happen to kids and families who are less informed.</p>
<p>Of course, that still means there will be a great deal of frantic writing and applying. I had a friend some years back tell me a story of getting a call from his son on New Years eve late, asking for the credit card numbers. The reason was that he had decided to apply to Notre Dame and the deadline was very close. He was admitted. So sometimes last minute things can work out. </p>
<p>The rejections are expected, when they happen, it is factual / non-emotional events, since they are discussed before hand awith specific focus on the fact that rejection is in no way reflection on the applicant but rather a non-match issue between the applicant and college. My D. stayed cool, she was accepted to about 50% of the programs. At this level, it really does not matter as long as a kid ends up where he will feel confortable.</p>
<p>We’re going out to dinner on Friday to celebrate DD’s accomplishments, whether she’s accepted or rejected (or deferred, which is the worst kind of hell). We’ve had an advent calendar type of countdown, with something fun to bring to college every day, to reassure her that even if she doesn’t get in ED, she’s going to college. :-)</p>
<p>D1 was deferred ED, and we honestly can’t imagine her anywhere but where she is. Her experience at college has been truly transformative. It was the right outcome. I think that helps, because her sister sees that.</p>
<p>So, for Friday, I have an assortment of sweatshirts - including the Jim Belushi “College” sweatshirt. Life goes on, and although my heart will bleed for her, we have to look on the positive side. She’s awesome, there is nothing she left on the table, and she’s going off to great things. </p>
<p>(I may have some extra sweatshirts on Friday, size small. Happy to pass them along!) :-)</p>
<p>Though it won’t be totally satisfying, telling him that 99% of highly successful people in the world never went to {{name of college}} is a starting point. At some risk of derision, you can even point to highly successful/accomplished close relatives who graduated from {{name of another college}}.</p>
<p>Depending on their interests, you can make the point that undergraduate education is just a starting point in the education of highly accomplished people. They should focus on making the most of their current opportunities, consider graduate or professional education in a few years, since this is where their credential will matter much more.</p>
<p>JMO. Today, not then: “No matter what happens, we believe in you. You did the best you could in your app, “nothing left on the table,” you controlled what you could and this last aspect is in their hands. We don’t know what they’re dealing with, this year.”</p>
<p>Then if he doesn’t get the results he wanted, you commiserate, “I’m sorry,” repeat the affirmation. </p>
<p>I didn’t go for the general crapshoot (no one has a perfect chance) concept. Their reactions are personal and I thought my support should be.</p>
<p>I like that term “redirection”. When I look back at my senior year in high school, one of the very best things that happened to me was that I got deferred and ultimately rejected from my ED school. I was able to pick from a strong group of schools that I did get into, and ultimately ended up at a wonderful school that was the perfect fit and totally shaped the direction of my life.</p>