@BearHouse I suspect that younger kids often instinctively carve out a separate niche from the oldest sib. I also think a coupe years of being an “only” for the oldest before little subs arrive gets them more attuned to adult attention and making adults happy, resulting in striving to do what is asked of them.
This is an interesting one. We don’t compare the boys, they are three years apart and they have very different interests. They are both in gifted programs, and we’ve given them the same opportunities. My worry for the second one is not finding a “good” school, or giving him the opportunity to bloom and shine. He gets loads of chances to do just that and chooses to put in little to no effort.
We are hoping that he will change his tune when he starts high school. If he doesn’t, no amount of shining, blooming, or exploring his potential will amount to being able to go away to school if he doesn’t put in the effort to get his grades to at least a B average. His test scores are sky high, but if his GPA is low, he will likely have no chance of being able to go away to school. There won’t be any choices about whether or not a school fits him or his personality - he’ll be attending the only schools that we can afford to pay without any aid - and that’s the community college or commuting to a low ranked state college that is an hour away. I hate that idea, and I don’t want that for him. I can do a lot of things to try to encourage him to work at a more appropriate level, but what I can’t do is chain him to the desk and attempt to force him to work harder. Nothing we’ve tried thus far has worked. If he’s interested, he does the work well. If he’s not, it’s like pulling teeth. His grades are ridiculous. He has As and Ds, nothing in between.
Our two kids were very different in personality, interests, and abilities. In the last category, #1 was “left-brained,” highly self-motivated not to please adults but to use his analytic and math skills. A numbers fanatic from a very early age (2). But also a very early reader. Very stubborn (read: tantrums) and self-motivated, not very social or empathetic or athletic. #2 was “right-brained,” highly artistic and able to draw what she saw, sweet personality but somewhat reserved, and athletic (though basically didn’t get too involved in that realm).
As parents we let each child grow and grow up, learn to develop and apply their talents. By the time they got ready for college applications, no competition at all between them. Older one wanted to attend a good college “where it’s safe to be a thinker,” preferably in “a major league city.” Younger one only wanted to attend art college, preferably in a “real city in the east.”
There wasn’t a single college that was on BOTH of their lists. Much later, after #2 finished art college and worked in the economy for a few years, she applied to business school and earned an MBA at UMich. That university had been on the older one’s list for undergraduate admissions (he was admitted but went elsewhere). So they did have one college in common.
In sum, the kids’ own nature was not to compete with one another on the same intellectual or geographic turf. At the present time, however, they’re both working and living in a “real city,” a “major league city” in the east: NY, NY.
“If he’s interested, he does the work well. If he’s not, it’s like pulling teeth. His grades are ridiculous. He has As and Ds, nothing in between.”
Have you checked out Colleges that Change Lives? Sounds like if you could find him a good fit at a place like that, he’d bloom/shine/whatever.
Another thing to consider is doing a little soul searching about where you think he might really enjoy and fit. That may be different than what you want or even would want for him, so think hard and be as objective as possible. If you can come up with a few of these possibilities, maybe a tour or a camp at one of those colleges might inspire him to put in the effort in order to go there.
The smart, unmotivated ones can be really tough.
They usually get there, it’s just not always on a timetable or path that we’d like. If you’re doing everything you can to provide him the opportunities and guidance, then you are doing your job… the rest is up to him.
@AlmostThere2018 Thanks so much for your insight and experience! For sure, we don’t compare them, but man dowe ever talk about how hard work is necessary and that it really pays off. I’m glad DS sees how hard his sister works and that this is all not just happening for her “by luck.” DS really is bright, so I’ll be hoping that some drive kicks in at some point ; )
@ucbalumnus I guess this is why I’m thinking about this so much. Right now it looks like with her grades, scores and swimming, that DD should qualify for some really nice merit aid. Of course in this crazy landscape, I know you never know what might happen, but right now, I am feeling overwhelming gratitude towards her for putting herself in such a good place. Both kids are on a UC budget (we live in CA), so if anyone wants to go anywhere besides a UC or CA State school, merit aid will have to play a part (while we are not living high on the hog AT ALL, we live in the Bay Area so our cost of living is high and puts us at a middle class place, but not when you look at the rest of the country). We are not looking at HYSP for DD because there is NO WAY we could afford those schools. My lovely child understands that, thank goodness.
@Lindagaf Thanks for making me laugh. It always helps knowing that others find themselves in the same situation. I promise I’m not worrying about this now, it’s more like I’m an anthropologist and find this SO INTERESTING. Those of you who mentioned finding a good tribe, luckily he is in the smart, sporty, maybe a little nerdy crew (which I love) and I think that should continue. While he seems less driven and more “minimalist” than his sister when it comes to school work, he still follows the rules and likes hanging out with kids who aren’t “mess arounds” (his description). I LOVE who he is and will for sure keep supporting just who he is. Thank you so much CC community for being such a great resource. I am pretty new here and totally appreciate you!!!
Your younger kid is high school class of 2024 or 2025, right? That’s a LONG time from now.
Encourage him to read a lot. Encourage him to try new things. Encourage him to be a great preteen and teen…and have friends and a good social life.
Don’t worry about his drive for college…now.
Except, of course, when it doesn’t.
My second kid was the more motivated, higher achieving one. Go figure.
I went to a parents’ meeting when one of mine was in 6th grade , and said in public that all these kids really need at that time is to eat and sleep. They are growing and changing in huge ways and it takes a lot of energy.
Lots can happen in the next few years.
Sometimes the hard driving one burns out or is so dependent on external approval that they don’t continue on the same golden path. And sometimes the younger or middle children are truly free to be themselves so what looks like less effort may be a good internal compass versus people pleasing.
I don’t know your kids so can’t say if these things apply to your family of course 
I have 3 kids, 1 in college, 1 in HS, and 1 this kids age (class of 2024). All are different. My 3rd is certainly the most social and least academic. But they’ve been their own people since before birth!
Like so many others, my first is SUPER hard working. It has made her very successful in both HS and college. My second is probably more naturally gifted, but a bit lazy. Another “just high enough” guy–but he clears a lot of really high bars. The third is a bit of a mystery so far. I’m glad they are different though, more fun for us all.
I have a few thoughts about this: 1) The person who can get good grades without busting his butt might be better off in the long run.
2) While it can be useful to have a strong work ethic (I’m a grind!), working hard or harder is not going to turn a “normal” person into a “genius” in some areas, such as math, music, and sports.
3) I have two children, one fitting into each of the very general categories identified above. Both graduated from high school, got into appropriate colleges, graduated from college, and are gainfully occupied as 20-somethings.
My just-gets-by, though gifted, younger of the two, decided to turn it up a notch in the middle of HS because he got interested in good schools. His more focused older sister went to a wonderful, highly competitive LAC. Little brother, when he decided to take things seriously, went to an Ivy. Would NOT have thought that likely when he was younger, not because of ability but because of commitment. Amazing how they can change.
One of my best friends first child was smart, self motivated, type A, straight A’s etc…and her second was average in every measurable way. she was well into the weeds and making everyone crazed by trying to “figure out” how to “motivate” the second kid. In the process, she alienated both the children. They BOTH felt unappreciated – the high achiever in academics felt like her hard work and diligence was being discounted as the norm, and hence not notable. The younger, of course, felt villified for doing fine, as if fine was unacceptable.
The children are very close – to each other. Their mom, not so much. They do not trust her after years of being quantified and scrutinized and measured. She is working to regain their trust, to earn it. It’s not enough for us parents to tolerate or acknowledge differences, we have to actively respect and honor them if we want to see what kind of success awaits all our kids.
@MusakParent lol definitely do not think either of my kids should or will go to an elite school. That is not on our radar at all. And I love, adore, admire and am proud of my 6th grader…just noticing the difference between my kids and wondering if others have experienced this, too. Sounds like many have.
@turtletime LOVE your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing : )
thanks, @intparent! my 6th grader does love to read for pleasure and I’m so glad to see that he gets some good reading in between Fornite ; ) Thank you so much for your perspective. I loved reading your response…
Our girls are 6 years apart with a very similar dynamic. DD#2 actually flunked a quarter in middle school. DH and I joke privately that she got all of our worst qualities. We pushed her pretty hard not to accept less than her best in school.
In any case, she pulled it together in HS and just brought home certificates for graduation for academic excellence for maintaining 3.5-4.0. She does not have the ultra competitive test scores like her sibs but got into a great fit college and very nice out of state scholarship. She is a total homebody and super lazy, unlike her sis, but has a great path all of her own.
@greenbutton “as if fine was unacceptable” is a great callout and a cautionary tale for parents. It’s easier said than done to avoid that trap when you see a child doing fine but not living up to their potential.
It doesn’t sound like this is a problem for you, but wanted to pass it along so you can think about it. My step-D is brilliant and a true super-star. Her younger by 2 years brother is very smart but not brilliant. In retrospect we wish we sent them to different schools. He was always in his sister’s shadow (teachers routinely said, “oh you’re D’s brother!” and had all these expectations of him) and he always felt like he wasn’t smart, even though he IS. It took him until he was in his masters program before he finally came into his own. A parent can try to treat each kid separately but it’s human nature to pay more attention to negative feedback, so the comparisons subconsciously made by the school community drowned out our statements.