**SUPER URGENT**-Could you guys look over my essay for me? Prompt issues :(

College Essays
1

<p>Hey guys! Do you think this would fly under this essay prompt? I was going to say "taking care of my brother is the most important extracurricular responsibility I have ever taken on" but I don't have space at the moment. Do you think I need to add that? Would this not work even with the addition? I'm trying to decide if I need to make a new one in the next week or so.</p>

<p>Prompt:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (250 words max)</p>

<p>During my sophomore year, my family lost everything. The devastating process started when the bank claimed our cars, and ended with the dispossession of our home. Somewhere between the two losses we lost the bonds that tied our family together. Abject poverty transformed my mother into a different person. Some weeks the only thing I saw her do was cry. She left our home and lives for months at a time. I saw my father cry for the first time too.</p>

<p>“You deserve a better father than a failure like me.” His voice was that of a broken man. Those brief moments when he cried into my shoulder are ones I will always remember.</p>

<p>I used to cry too, but eventually I stopped. Not because the emotions that made me leave class and cry in the privacy of the staff bathroom went away. I gave up crying because I had to be strong for my little brother Justin. For a few years, we were alone. I became Justin’s math tutor, guidance counselor, caretaker, and unskilled yet determined personal chef. If our electricity or internet were turned off, I walked Justin to the nearest Starbucks and helped with his schoolwork. When my mom brought home the divorce paperwork, I gave him arms to hug and a shoulder to cry on.</p>

<p>My parents stayed together, and no evidence remains of my family’s past. Still, I’ll never forget the circumstances that taught me the definition of strength, and showed me how to take care of others, and take care of myself.</p>

2

<p>Over 30 years as an English teacher and here’s my advice:
taking care of my brother is the most important extracurricular responsibility I have ever taken on
Start with that! I would try to reduce a lot of what you have in your first paragraph to focus on just giving enough information to explain why you assumed so much responsibility (don’t want to sound like a whiney victim, but the strong and resourceful person you must be!)</p>

<p>I had to be strong for my little brother Justin. For a few years, we were alone. I became Justin’s math tutor, guidance counselor, caretaker, and unskilled yet determined personal chef. If our electricity or internet were turned off, I walked Justin to the nearest Starbucks and helped with his schoolwork. </p>

<p>This part is good. I am sorry about the struggles you’ve gone through, but the emphasis needs to be on your grit, your perseverance! I got confused about your parents getting back together and don’t see how all the evidence could have evaporated, so that part could use more explaining. The conclusion should go back to the notion of your most important extracurricular. Good luck–you seem like a great person.</p>

3

<p>For what its worth, I think meabea has given excellent advice</p>