<p>: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
-I feel I have too many stories,too many I's, too many commas, its how I am, what do u guys think?</p>
<p>Na</p>
<p>I feel like you really need to read over your essay. I found misspellings and improper usages in the first few sentences. I can go through it all if you’d like, but I’d be spending time editing something you could fix without my help. </p>
<p>As for content, I think your whole opening paragraph is a little touchy. You are applying to schools in America, and the way you talk about America in that paragraph comes off a little odd to me. I would leave out all of that and maybe start with an anecdote that shows the reader that you were an outsider rather than just telling them. That really is a good rule to go by when writing an essay, show don’t tell. Your closing paragraph is also very dry. Try to make the essay more personal, really try to allow the reader to see inside of you.</p>
<p>Self edit it a bit and then PM the revised one to me and I’ll be happy to help. I’d gladly edit this one for you, but I feel like you really haven’t spent much time with it yourself.</p>
<p>I will take into consideration what you said about my introductory sentence. I did too think it was a bit harsh. That is just it I been taking too much time into my essay that I feel that I have made it bland. I really don’t know how to make it better. But thank You for your comments on my essays.</p>
<p>If you can’t seem to find a way to work this essay into a better one, maybe you could try writing a whole new essay on the same topic. Just start over and then after you’ve finished try to combine the two into one super essay.</p>
<p>Yes, I will try that, thank you!</p>