Sometimes when I describe Dad, I think “oh no, was he an awful parent?” and I know he wasn’t…but you still feel odd , the combination of sadness and criticism. My DiL’s mother was 75% an absolute monster, and 18 months later DiL has the inverse issue — she finds happy memories and feels like that is excusing the 75% and she isn’t wanting to do that. Feelings, so complicated. Glad there are therapists!
@snowball I just moved my Dad’s clothes out of their closet and into his study so my Mom didn’t have to. It feels like such a big emotional step, I hope it goes okay for you. She and I decided to just move the clothes, and worry about what to do with them another time this winter.
@snowball, when my dad passed, his wife just emptied everything out of his closet in a ripping off the band-aid way. So what a surprise it was when her son came for the memorial service and went to get dressed only to find that his suit and dress shoes had also gone to Goodwill! He’d always left one “serious” outfit at their house for the more formal things he did with them and it had gone with all the other men’s clothing.
This turned into a moment of levity and hilarity for the rest of us. Much needed. And it still makes us laugh.
And yeah, I get it. Those visible signs of loss are so darn heart-wrenching. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
It’s good that your family saw the humor … humor can help.
My dad wanted us to clean out all my mom’s things right after she died. She had some really nice clothes and shoes, and we took everything to a nice resale shop. My dad went with me to the shop, and he was so pleased when the owner complimented my mom’s taste. The consignment yielded quite a bit of money, and it made my dad feel good that others appreciated my mom’s style. I was surprised that he wanted to clean things out so quickly, but that was how he was. Actually, my MIL also wanted us to clean out all of my FIL’s clothes right away, too. But my neighbor’s wife passed away more than 10 years ago, and he recently shared with me that he hasn’t been able to clean out her things yet. We are all different.
I have a tub of clothes from my mom that’s been sitting in a closet for ten years. I scooped up the colorful items after she passed away, with the idea of making lap quilts for my sibs. But…she never wore most of these clothes; many still have tags. The fabric isn’t cotton. There’s no sentiment attached to these items. I’m not feeling it.
Should probably ask my sisters if they want any of it.
My mom started donating my dad’s clothes the day after he died. (He was 87 and his last 4 months were hard. Cancer.)
I was in shock she was doing this.
I quietly gathered some of his jackets and shirts and still have them in my closet bc I can’t imagine giving them away. They are him. They bring me comfort when I see them hanging up next to my things.
I did the same (kept some of my father’s shirts and a favorite sweater). The shirts hang on the outside of my bedroom closet, where I see them every day. They bring me comfort. They may stay there forever, or for another 6 months. I will know when I feel like it’s the right time to move them.
I kept my mother’s favorite nightgown, that she wore all the time. It’s on a shelf in my closet.
My brothers and I went to her AL apartment the day after she died and they started shoving everything in trash bags. I asked them to stop. I said I wasn’t ready. The price I paid for that was emptying the place by myself over a month’s time. We were given a month by the AL (You are required to pay for an additional month!).
I learned some things about her, going through her desk drawers. I wanted to ask her about them but she wasn’t there anymore. I wished I had looked there when she was alive!
When my dad died, my mother made me a quilt from the fabric of some of his shirts. My two sisters were mad at her for ruining them. Then, a few weeks later, they asked her to make them one also. It brings me a lot of comfort to have it.
I know a young woman who makes memory gnomes and animals. We’re not sentimental in that way, but H’s mom & sister are. We had a gnome for each made out of his shirts. They love them.
I was very happy that my young, stylish daughter kept some of my mom’s clothes and wears them! I also wear a few things. One blouse still smells of her perfume.
My dad has a ton of shirts that I’ll gladly turn into quilts, bears, holiday stockings, etc. I’m on some quilt groups where folks have made beautiful memorial items.
we had a friend of my mom’s offer to make bears from Dad’s shirts. My mom said no, I thought it was a good idea so I snuck 4 shirts out and delivered those but still no bears yet
My dad always carried a handkerchief – a real honest to goodness monogrammed one. He had a stash of extras and I will hand one out to all his grands at some point. But I am finding the desire to keep everything fading away. My brain likes to pipe up and say “sure! Keep the chair/hat/watch! But he’ll still be dead and you’ll still never see him again so what exactly is the point”.
My brother and I each have one of my dad’s “kitchen/lab” coats, handkerchiefs, bathrobe and a couple of shirts. My H uses some and my brother gave my H two of my dad’s watches and cufflinks that he wears regularly. I have a dress of my mom’s that she loved, a coat, and the bulk of her jewelry. I wear a piece of her jewelry almost every day.
The holiday appetizer thread reminded me that one of my prized family possessions is the recipe box that was given to me at my bridal shower. All the attendees wrote down their favorite recipe so I have a box full of handwriting from all my family and friends and I love love using those recipes and seeing their writing. Almost all of the women in the older generation are gone so I love keeping their recipes alive. I also have my grandfather’s wooden spoon that I use every single day (he was a chef) and most of my kitchen items were my parents (as are my D’s).
He was an avid golfer. My husband bought his almost brand new clubs. My bil was sure they were the key to a better game
And my husband thinks fondly of his beloved brother in law when he uses them. Which is often because my husband is an avid golfer. Not as good as his brother in law though!
Dad had a specific book that he really loved, wrote his name inside it,author autographed it, he read it to me in stages when I was maybe 10 or 11. One of the few books he would not lend (he was forever giving us all books that we “had to” read) .
About a year ago he handed it to me and said “keep this safe for me”. So it’s here with me now, and that’s a comfort.
Have any of you had problems with multiple persons wanting the same keepsake?
My dad built a grandmother clock for my mom when we lived in Germany in the early 70s. I was drafted to help him with holding pieces of wood together while he nailed, sanding, etc.
All five of us kids wanted the clock. He gave it to his favorite grandkid, who is in the military along with her spouse. Clock gets damaged every time they PCS. Said grandkid has gotten most of the things that have meaning in our family, which has caused some sore feelings. She is a real sweetheart and a truly kind person, so noone begrudges her. She was also the only local grandkids growing up, so my dad feels closer to her than the other grandkids. But still…Dad isn’t consistent or terribly thoughtful (and at times forgetful about who asked for what) about how he’s distributing things, and that has caused hurt feelings.
Dad instead gave me a different clock that we got in Germany. My youngest brother has said he’d like a couple items with sentimental value (Dad keeps giving him tools). I gave the clock to my brother instead under cover of darkness. Literally! Took it out of my trunk and put it in his during our niece’s wedding reception. My dad will never go to my brother’s house, so he will never know the clock isn’t with me. But my brother will always remember the story. He doesn’t have kids, but has promised to pass on the clock to S1, who has expressed an interest in it.
There are a few items that multiple sibs want, all of which are purely sentimental. Maybe we’ll draw straws? Bid for each item? I’ll help coordinate, but am not clamoring for anything.
My mom died less than a month ago and I am having really conflicted feelings. My dad died 17 years ago and my only sibling almost 6. Mom never required physical assistance with her care but more so assistance with financial and legal matters. I never knew what a void her passing would leave as I spoke with or saw her nearly every single day. I’m her executor and trustee with a lot to clean up and it’s so stressful. My sister’s two children inherit her half of the trust estate which means dealing with my BIL who I absolutely despise. After Mom’s burial, he wanted to go back to her house, which I agreed to. He immediately told the kids to “take what they wanted” and proceeded to grab all kinds of photos. I drew the line when he was taking things off the walls and announcing what he wanted. I was able to tell him that he was neither named in the will or trust and while he might want things, they were not his to ask for. It’s a lot to deal with.
I was super lucky that my brother and I get along great and we were very fair about splitting things up. His partner was actually shocked because her sister took everything of value when her mom died and she thought there would be battles.
It took us a long time though because we did the “no, you take it” discussion with almost everything. The grand kids all know that when we die, if they don’t want to keep stuff, the cousins get right of first refusal before anything is sold off.
